Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 10, 2009 - July 16, 2009 | Issue 45•28

Nation About Due For Big Cult Suicide

WASHINGTON—Citing a general feeling that it has been a while since one last occurred, the FBI warned Monday that the nation should prepare for the possibility of some kind of crazy, cult-related mass suicide...

Hideous Man-Beast Washes Up On Shore Of Municipal Pool

issue 4528 | 07.10.09 | News

SEWARD, NE—The unnatural creature was thought to be a pile of rotting sewage until a lifeguard noticed that its lower extremities were... more»
Jilted Hasbro CEO Laughs Coldly As Scrabble Destroys Another Relationship

issue 4528 | 07.07.09 | News

PAWTUCKET, RI—"All fools must one day learn, that we will all be a few letters short of spelling H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S," said the embittered CEO. more»
Girlfriend Loves Spending 'Alone Time' With You

issue 4528 | 07.10.09 | News In Brief

SAGINAW, MI—According to your girlfriend, your request for some "alone time" this afternoon sounds fantastic, and she'd love nothing... more»
Report: Ugh, No One Would Care Anyway

issue 4528 | 07.09.09 | News In Brief

PRINCETON, NJ—A new report compiled by the Institute for Advanced Studies stated Monday that, aw, you probably wouldn't be interested... more»
Military Institutes New 'Don't Tell, Let Me Guess' Policy

issue 4528 | 07.08.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Pentagon officials announced Tuesday a new policy toward homosexuals in the armed services, the so-called "Don't Tell, Let... more»
Biden Requests To Be Named Special Envoy To Reno

issue 4528 | 07.07.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Saying there are national security matters that "need sorting out down there," Vice President Joe Biden requested Friday an... more»
Movie Not Nearly As Awful As Hoped

issue 4528 | 07.06.09 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Saying it was a waste of $11, Los Angeles resident Dan Bevver expressed disappointment Sunday that The Taking Of Pelham 1... more»
Baseball Fans Delighted By New Between-Innings Fuck-Cams

issue 4528 | 07.09.09 | Sports News

WASHINGTON—Attendance may be down, but the fans at last week's game didn't care—they were too busy enjoying the stadium's new Fuck-Cam. more»
Mississippi The Fattest State

issue 4528 | 07.10.09 | American Voices

An annual survey found that, for the fifth consecutive year, Mississippi was the American state with the highest rate of adult obesity. What do... more»
Chinese Porn Filter A Failure

issue 4528 | 07.09.09 | American Voices

Green Dam, the image-scanning software designed by the Chinese to block pornography, also blocks more benign images, including a Garfield movie... more»
President Obama Still Smoking

issue 4528 | 07.08.09 | American Voices

Claiming to be "95 percent cured," President Obama admitted he still occasionally smokes a cigarette. What do you think? more»
30 Years Of The Walkman

issue 4528 | 07.07.09 | American Voices

Portable music became a reality 30 years ago with the introduction of the Sony Walkman. What do you think? more»
Karl Malden Dead

issue 4528 | 07.06.09 | American Voices

Actor Karl Malden, known for his work in A Streetcar Named Desire and The Streets Of San Francisco, died at 97. What do you... more»
Area Woman To Award Herself To Winner Of Barroom Brawl

issue 4528 | 07.12.09 | Radio
Abstinence-Only Education Ruined By Trip To Zoo

issue 4528 | 07.11.09 | Radio
Moment Of Silence Interrupted By New Tragedy

issue 4528 | 07.10.09 | Radio
Area Man Still Waiting For Those Extra Napkins

issue 4528 | 07.09.09 | Radio
Georgia Decriminalizes Public Urination

issue 4528 | 07.08.09 | Radio
Netflix Doesn't Think Area Man Is Ready For ‘Blue Velvet’

issue 4528 | 07.07.09 | Radio
Large Hadron Collider Detects Elusive 'Lady Particle'

issue 4528 | 07.06.09 | Radio
Pacifist Rooster Is Torn Apart In Cockfight

issue 4528 | 07.05.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - July 6, 2009

issue 4528 | 07.06.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Cancer Walk Goes Under 15-Straight Miles Of High Tensile Power Lines

issue 4528 | 07.11.09 | News In Photos
Seattle’s Space Needle Blasts Off After Collecting Enough Rain For Home Planet

issue 4528 | 07.07.09 | News In Photos
I'm Not Questing With You Until You Admit You Screwed Up The Zul'Aman Raid

issue 4528 | 07.09.09 | Columnists

I have had enough, Paul. It is no longer worth the gold it costs to fly to the Ghostlands if my soldiers are going to fail me halfway through... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4528 | 07.07.09 | Horoscopes
How To Save California

issue 4528 | 07.07.09 | Infographic

With the federal government refusing to lend its assistance, the State of California is in dire financial straits. Here are some of the... more»
What Are We Bringing To The Party?

issue 4528 | 07.08.09 | Statshot
New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time

issue 4528 | 07.09.09 | Video

In The Know's new live internet poll feature revolutionizes how pundits shamelessly cater to what viewers want to hear. more»
Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out U.S. Assholes

issue 4528 | 07.06.09 | Video

Citizens across Mexico hope that the new Asshole Wall will stem the tide of assholes that visit from the US each year to aggressively drink, vomit. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4528 | 07.13.09 | Slideshow
Talking To Your Kids About Death: Five Easy Places To Leave This Magazine Lying Around

issue 4528 | 07.10.09 | Sunday Magazine
"Feet Don't Fail Me Now," Says Charlie Manuel Before Walking To Mound

issue 4528 | 07.09.09 | Photo Finish
Baseball Conversation Enjoyed By Two-Sevenths Of Group

issue 4528 | 07.12.09 | Newswire
Impotent Man Greeted By Improbable Number Of Limp Objects

issue 4528 | 07.10.09 | Newswire
Easy Girl Incredibly Difficult

issue 4528 | 07.06.09 | Newswire