Former Prom King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners
Sports »
Spud Webb Getting Smaller And Smaller Every Time People Recount 1986 Dunk Contest
ATLANTA—In recent accounts of Spud Webb's astounding victory in the 1986 NBA Slam-Dunk Contest, basketball fans across the nation have reportedly exaggerated the diminutive point guard's size by greatly diminishing his height with each retelling of the event. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Senator Misses Simpler Time When He Could Do Abominable Things In Peace
WASHINGTON—After being targeted by a Senate Ethics Committee probe for engaging in alleged improprieties with a former staffer, Sen. John......more»
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News In Photos »
Obama's Embarrassing Ska Album Resurfaces
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Local
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Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status
MADISON, PA—Local asshole Skyler Berwin, 28, was granted world-class asshole status Saturday during a special ceremony held in recognition......more»
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National News Highlights »
LUBBOCK,TX-Paramedic Travis Flood breathed a sigh of relief at his retirement party, having made it 25 years without anyone figuring out that he doesn't know CPR.
World
Entertainment
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Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lunch insiders confirmed rumors Monday that Mayonnaise and Black Forest Ham would share top billing in a highly anticipated......more»
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Horoscopes »
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
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TV Listings »
Olympic Curling
NBC
7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST
Men and women who have trained their entire lives for this moment are humored by television crews while the figure-skating rink is resurfaced.
Science & Technology
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Video »
Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk
Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or afterwork get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases....more»
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Infographic »
Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies
In anticipation of the snowstorms that paralyzed the mid-Atlantic, store shelves were stripped bare, leaving some unlucky citizens without the......more»
Opinion
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Commentary »
I Don't Talk Much, But When I Do, Nobody Really CaresI'm not the type of guy who likes to throw his opinions around willy-nilly. Most of the time, I'm happy enough to just sit back and take in what......more»
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Corrections »
In last week's issue of The Onion, all of the references to NASA and NAMBLA should have been switched. The Onion regrets the error.
Economy
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Ford Recalls 2010 Mustang For Being Too Cool
DETROIT—-Ford officials issued a massive recall of the entire 2010 Mustang line Tuesday, apologizing for a quality-control oversight that......more»
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Forgotten Assyrian God Revived To Name Sports Drink
NEW YORK—Powerade representatives said it was Nisroch's pronounced calf muscle in various depictions from the eighth century B.C. that initially attracted them to the once highly revered eagle-headed farming deity. ...more»
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Stockwatch »
SWY
SafewayStock prices climbed today on word that the supermarket chain's in-store brand Eating Right had absolutely nailed the cheddar flavor of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish with its new value-priced Cheesy Trout Crackers.
