Scrappy Crew Of 'Good Morning America' Decides To Put On A News Show
Sports »
Rachael Flatt vs. Kim Yu-Na
It's America's Sweetheart versus the presumed sweetheart of the rest of the world as figure skaters Rachael Flatt and Kim Yu-na square off in Vancouver. more»
Recent News »
U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Tea Party Movement Hopelessly Divided Into Enraged, Apoplectic Factions
WASHINGTON—Organizers of the Tea Party movement, a group opposed to the federal government’s attempts to alleviate the ongoing financial......more»
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News In Photos »
Line To Meet Sarah Palin Goes Straight Through Mall Fountain
...more»
Local
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Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status
MADISON, PA—Local asshole Skyler Berwin, 28, was granted world-class asshole status Saturday during a special ceremony held in recognition......more»
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Community Calendar »
Feb. 20, 9 a.m.
The Colleyville Women's Society will be holding a fundraiser for Colleen Starnes, a 40-year-old woman who can no longer afford the fees of the Colleyville Women's Society.
World
Entertainment
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Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lunch insiders confirmed rumors Monday that Mayonnaise and Black Forest Ham would share top billing in a highly anticipated......more»
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Horoscopes »
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
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TV Listings »
That Show That Guy From High School Was In
CBS
8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST
In this episode, that guy you went to high school with has a few lines, I think in like an auto repair shop? He looks so different, that's all I know.
Science & Technology
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Video »
Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk
Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or afterwork get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases....more»
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Infographic »
Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies
In anticipation of the snowstorms that paralyzed the mid-Atlantic, store shelves were stripped bare, leaving some unlucky citizens without the......more»
Opinion
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Commentary »
I Don't Talk Much, But When I Do, Nobody Really CaresI'm not the type of guy who likes to throw his opinions around willy-nilly. Most of the time, I'm happy enough to just sit back and take in what......more»
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Corrections »
In last Sunday's paper,The Onion forgot to print the answers to our "Spot the Difference" puzzle. The differences were: the boy's hair is parted on the left, the tree branch is missing, the Bible is wider, the rainbow bumper sticker is inverted, and the flames on the cross are taller. The Onion regrets the error.
Economy
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Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 Of What It Calls Jobs
BENTONVILLE, AR—"First, we tried cutting what is hard for me in good conscience to even call benefits,” said Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke. "We even tried negotiating with what we would probably refer to as the workers' union if, in fact, they even had such a thing."...more»
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Hospital Paperwork Reduces Man's Reading Comprehension To First-Grade Level
HOUSTON—The frustrating paperwork for a routine visit to St. Luke's Episcopal Hospital reduced Kenneth Anderson's reading comprehension to a......more»
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Stockwatch »
SWY
SafewayStock prices climbed today on word that the supermarket chain's in-store brand Eating Right had absolutely nailed the cheddar flavor of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish with its new value-priced Cheesy Trout Crackers.
