Signs of an Emotional Affair
Is Your Lover Having an Emotional Affair?
By Mary Kearl
Everyone seems abuzz about this new breed of affair -- the emotional variety -- from Angie and Brad's much-debated on- and off-screen chemistry during Brad's marriage to Jennifer Aniston, to Madge and A-Rod's current headline-stealing "special friendship." Or maybe this sex-free extramarital intimacy affects a relationship more dear to your heart -- your own. Just what is it? Is it just a strong friendship? Does it lead to sex? Divorce? We discuss these and other intimate details with Ronald T. Potter-Effron, Ph.D., M.S.W. and co-author of "The Emotional Affair."
jupiterimages
People Who Are Having Emotional Affairs
Don't share important aspects of their lives with [their partners]. They don't share their emotions. They spend less time with their committed partner, and they're obviously enamored with their special friend -- who seems to meet their needs. If they talk about their "friendship" with that other person, they seem to have stars in their eyes. That person is special and unique, and understands them so well, so perfectly.
Getty Images
Her Behavior Around the Newer Model
You'll see a dynamic quality to it. They seem to, in some sense, have eyes only for each other. You see the excitement and physical connection between the two. Not all physical connections are erotic. There are many ways of showing intensity without being sexual, such as eyes brightening and voice fluctuation.
Getty Images
He Picks Fights
It's possible that, as the person becomes more involved with the third party, that he sees the third party as all good and his partner as all bad. He may blame his affair on his committed partner, saying "It's all your fault that I'm doing this." This may cause the partner to retaliate, giving him more reason and justification for having the emotional affair, which causes a spiral.
Photodisc
She Avoids You at All Costs
Since these things are damaging to the committed relationship, what you will see are more avoidance behaviors -- excusing themselves to go to the computer more often, coming home late -- all so they can have more time with the person with whom they're having the emotional affair.
jupiterimages
Is It Just a Mid-life Crisis?
People can have an emotional affair at any age -- couples in their 20s and 30s, not just couples in their 40s, 50s and 60s. I think the key is commitment. In a midlife crisis, you may be vaguely looking around for something more in life -- which could be a human being -- but it could be a new career or a golf game. The emotional affair is when someone is looking for someone with whom they can experience an intensely emotional experience.
jupiterimages
If She's Always Logged On
Online dating sites and social networking sites make emotional affairs even easier to develop. You can present yourself any way you want to on the Internet. You may idealize your Internet partner, who you may have never even met. It's easier to justify too, because you're not actually meeting in person.
Getty Images
Emotional vs. Sexual Affairs
Physical affairs involve people whose primary reason for being involved with each other is erotic. They may share feelings with each other, but that's not what drives them together. The sexual affair is more immediately detrimental because in our society that's considered a clear violation. It would lead to immediate crisis. Emotional affairs are more subtle. It takes more time to gather the evidence. They are simply easier to deny.
jupiterimages
Do emotional affairs necessarily lead to something more?
I co-wrote this book with my wife, Patricia S. Potter-Efron, M.S. She thinks they're more likely to lead to what I call a "total affair," whereas I think they're not likely to, because if that were to happen they may lose the special friendship that this emotional affair entails.
Getty Images
Friendship vs. Special Friendship
There are three main differences between friendship and an emotional affair. Friendships are always limited in their being. Friendships are not all-encompassing. Even a good friend is "just" a friend Good friends add spice to the soup, but they're not the stock of the soup. The committed relationship is the stock. Relationships are all-encompassing.
Even the best of friendships do not drain energy from the marriage. They compliment the relationship. They don't steal from it. In an emotional affair you keep secrets -- in a friendship you would not.
Friendships do not represent a threat, whereas emotional affairs drain energy. Friendships do not lead to divorce.
Getty Images
Recent Comments
jejozi 02:32:54 AM Nov 14 2009
No, Honey30010, "men" don't cheat, aren't selfish, lazy...blah, blah, blah....YOU"RE man is. It'd be like saying all women are coch teases and use sex to marry a man, then shut it down after the vows are exchanged. Careful with your generalizations, honey. Just wondering, honey, did you take care of him in bed or think just your mere presence should be satisfying for him?
Honey30010 07:09:53 PM May 18 2009
Men cheat! They shouldn't but they do! They feel that they are entitled to, over some imaginary "wrong" that you committed! Doesn't make them bad people, they are just selfish and greedy! If anyone had told me my husband would cheat on me, I would have called them a liar! I found the evidence, the woman wrote him a letter in four-letter words about the wonderful experience that she had with him and what a great evening. He did not even try to hide it and blamed me for the affair! Men are selfish and only care about themselves. That is the reality! I am very sorry that I married him!
Raggamufma 12:14:53 PM Apr 23 2009
To the young lady that called men such pigs and glad her fiancee is not like that. May be you are that lucky or may be you are that blind. I was never the cheating kind still not really the cheating kind. What started off as good conversation with a friend has not lead to sex but we do have a very strong bond between us. She gets mad when I tell her I am thinking about other women. I am in the middle of a divorce and I have looked back hard and seriously at myself and my spouse. We both broke down things in our marriage. So folks all I can say to you is this if you think you have a problem communicate with each other and listen to each other be real and be focused. I admit my faults my wife thinks she has known or is too proud to admit them. If you dont have a pproblem then you cant be fixed. There was a reason that I needed to talk to another woman. Guess what I am not running to or in the arms of my friend she has remained that and I have not gone there with her.
Jnny22Ja 11:47:10 AM Apr 23 2009
I think a lot of the people who are talking about having their best friends know them well but not be cheating are missing the point of the article. Yes everyone has a friend who has known them for years, knows more about them than anyone on the planet and can finish their sentences (or I hope they do because that can be one of the most fulfilling relationships you will ever have), but does that relationship with your best friend interfere with the relationship with your partner? When you're with your partner do you often wish you were with your friend or even feel resentment because you're not? That is the point of the article, if there is something so wrong with your relationship that you have to seek elsewhere to fulfill a need and then lie about it or hide it from your partner there is something wrong with that.
xxlil8ballxx42 03:06:27 AM Apr 22 2009
I am a young married woman with a 10 month old baby, and alot of times I really don't have the energy to have sex or stay up all night talking..and he doesnt eather. and he works alot. most the time when hes at work I am awake and when he gets home I am alseep so I talk to my guy friend about a lot more then I talk to my husband..its only because we dont see eachother and we dont have time to talk as much. I dont think just cuz I talk to my guy friend and he knows me better that I am cheating..and I really don't think it will go any farther then just friends.
mariaitaliana33 02:13:27 PM Apr 06 2009
It seems to me that one too many people have developed this sense of selfishness. Too many times I have heard people say, " I wanna do what I wanna do." I absolutley hate it when I hear that. I guess the reason is because when I'm committed to someone, I give of myself and my time...I was married for 10 years to a man who didn't appreciate me at all. He would get off of work and sit in front of the video game for hours on end. I tried to get his attention by making sure that when he got home, the kids were in bed, and I was showered, make up on, hair looked nice, and lingere....my body had really snapped back into shape after having the kids (thanks to the gym). I would walk in front of him with next to nothing on but beautiful bra and panties set, and he would just move to the side as if to say, " you're blocking my view of the tv". Talk about rejection! This man just didn't appreciate a thing I did. He could never say I denied him sex. I used to try to have it..but I guess Mortal Co
WiltedLilyGirl 07:06:24 PM Mar 22 2009
This is seriously the craziest thing I have ever heard of. No single person can fulfill every single need of another person. We are all different people. Having a friend who meets a need your partner cannot is, by default, complimentary because it allows you to appreciate what your partner gives you without resenting what they cannot. Some people are snuggly when they are affectionate, some are vocal, some are neither. Friends can meet that need when the two systems of expressing caring do not connect within a relationship, etc., etc. but that doesn't mean you're having an "affair" because of it. And having a friend who can "read your mind"? Don't most people have a best friend who truly understands them? If not, you're missing out on a basic part of life. The real question here is: Do you have a partner that trusts you and understands that passion in a relationship will wax and wane with time, that sometimes you will want to see your best friend more than others, or do you have an obs
Lchanners 04:07:22 PM Mar 22 2009
OH please, comlaining that women cut their husbands off of sex. I guess thats after you ignore her all day right? and don't help out with the chores or the kids and then expect her to just roll over right? some of you are so freaking selfish, i'm glad my fiance is nothing like any of the pigs on this site.
VogueRoguette 12:59:39 PM Mar 22 2009
For those who are vulverable... its best to have protocols in protecting your vows and relationships. Protect it like a profession. Have your do's and don't list and abide by it..... One step over the Line is a Pass Card to Failure.... When your married, it doesn't have to be a prison.. but know your boundaries, and protect them wisely.
VogueRoguette 12:53:26 PM Mar 22 2009
One of the Hallmarks of a sound and fulfilling relationship is the Prime Perk itself. Emotional commitment and connection. If someone else has that, then really what is left except something superficial like sex or perhaps some stablizing factor as monetary security. But truly, the perk of a loving relationship is that "Emotional bond" "the emotional commitment" and the "emotional specialness:. Its wise to devote all your energy into your committed relationship, and don't let others intervene. It can be hard, ecause there there are alot of players out there who are very cagey.
