My 17-year-old is a wonderful boy, great student -- the only issue is his messy room. Is there a way in which we can agree on him tidying up his room that will work on a regular basis? Is this even important or should we just let it go, as all teenagers are messy? When asked to do this, his reply is "I'll get to it," which never happens, then I will get upset, and it's done, and so on. Thanks!

Some of the questions I get these days are about relatively new issues: "My son won't turn off his video games," or "How can I protect my daughter from inappropriate things on the Internet." But your question is an ancient one, addressing an issue that I suspect has plagued parents forever.

Teenagers are messy. Period. Unless they have friends coming over who are worth impressing, most teens don't even see the mess their parents are complaining about. Chances are, the dirty clothes tangled in his sheets or the clutter on his floor don't even register on your son's radar.

For someone to be interested in solving a problem, they first have to have a problem. Right now, other than a nagging mom, your son doesn't have a problem when it comes to his room.

The solution? Give him a problem!

Dear AdviceMama,

My 15-year-old daughter is awful to my 13-year-old son. She is the second out of five children but only treats my third child with hate and anger. He cannot even look at her when she starts to belittle him. I am at my wits end trying to put an end to it. Should I send her to counseling?

Signed,
Siblings are Suffering

Dear Siblings are Suffering,

While sibling rivalry is commonplace, there is an ever-growing body of evidence that suggests that abusive relationships with brothers or sisters can have an even greater impact on a child than poor parenting can.

Dear AdviceMama:

My 6-year-old daughter is very well liked and is asked to a lot of playdates. We live in a relatively affluent community, but personally, my husband and I struggle financially. There are several stay-at-home moms who often want my daughter to come to their house to play with their kids, which I fully support.

My daughter loves it! I try to reciprocate as best as I can with a playdate in return. I operate a home day care at my house, so it is not really too much trouble. However, twice now on separate occasions parents have asked to take my daughter out to lunch or do an activity that costs money. It was last minute and not a luxury I could afford, but did not feel I could say no since it was as they were picking up my daughter. I don't think that the parents meant for me to pay but, as an after thought, I am not so sure I did the right thing. I know I should have offered to pay but in all honesty I do not have the cash to spare.

I hope I didn't make a terrible mistake.

Signed,
Not the Joneses

Dear AdviceMama,

My 5-year-old will get angry at me/the family and yell, "Everyone hates me!" or "Do you think I'm stupid or something?"

It's usually when things aren't going the way she plans, and yes, she may be a bit hungry or tired. But what do these words mean? You've talked about the child speaking above the neck and below the neck (not your exact words, I'm sure), but how do I know what's going on? I'll say to her, "Tell me more" or "What do you mean?" hoping I'll get a better understanding of what she means. But I don't get much.

Signed, Translate, Please!

Dear Translate,

Your question touches on a misunderstanding that many parents trip over regularly. When a child misbehaves or acts out, our first instinct is to ask them why they did what they did. If you have an especially precocious child -- one who is very talkative or verbally sophisticated -- it may seem perfectly reasonable to ask them why they hit their brother or, in your case, why she thinks that everyone hates her.

But when we ask an upset child to explain why they did something, we're really asking them to an impossible question. They don't know why.

Dear AdviceMama,

My little one is slightly overweight and is desperately in need of exercise. It's been raining a ton here lately and the highs have been in the 30's, so it's either too wet or too cold or too muddy to go out. What are some indoor exercises that we could do together that would keep her 3-year-old self interested and actually burn some calories without making her feel overworked?

Signed,
Wet, Cold and Muddy

Dear Wet, Cold and Muddy,

A 3-year-old who is overweight does of course need exercise, but I would be more concerned about what she's eating to put on the extra pounds that about tricking her into burning off calories.

Dear AdviceMama,

My 15-year-old son (only child) is an honor student, soccer player, chess player and wants to be a psychologist as a career. During free time and school breaks, he likes to camp out on the couch and play an online war game pretty much nonstop. He says he does it as a stress reliever and as a way to socialize with his friends, who often play with him as team. My husband feels this gaming is going to be his ruin and looks down on him for this, saying he'd be better off practicing or studying. Your thoughts?

Signed,
Gamer's Mom

Dear Gamer's Mom,

Your question taps into a serious but unacknowledged problem affecting more and more teens across the country. I've seen any number of young men get pulled deeply into games like World of Warcraft, with ever increasing anger -- and rage -- when parents try to get them to turn the game off and go to bed, start their homework, or join the family for dinner.

Dear AdviceMama,

My husband and I (second marriage for both) have two teenage children that live with us, and we each have a daughter that lives with their other parent. The teenaged girls that don't live with us have not visited or communicated much since our marriage several months ago. The parents they live with discourage contact with us. Our lawyer has advised us to just keep the faith and when the girls want to, they will visit. It has been heartbreaking, as we were both very close to our girls and we miss them so much. I feel that we have no rights at all to see them. Is it right to just wait? We know it is much better for kids to have both parents. What should we do?

Signed, Missing Our Girls

Dear Missing,

Typically a court will dictate that noncustodial parents have reasonable access to their children since it is usually in the child's best interest, but it sounds like neither of you have any provision in your custody arrangement for this, so I will answer your question with the understanding that the decision to visit you is entirely up to your daughters.

Dear AdviceMama,

I'm a single full-time father of three girls (ages, 7, 6, and 3). Their mother left us, so it's just me and the kids. I bathe all three of them in the tub at once; it's quicker, saves on water, and we all sing songs, so it's kind of fun. My question is, when do I begin to let the older children bathe on their own? I figured I would keep it up until one of the girls mentioned they wanted to try it on their own. If they are comfortable with it and I am comfortable with it, I don't see much of a problem. So, regardless of how much we all may love bath time together, when should I push them to be a little more independent and start washing their own hair? Any feedback would be great!

Signed, Mr. Clean

Dear Mr. Clean,

Bath time at your house sure sounds like a lot of fun! (And conservationists will be happy to hear that you're saving water!) I think it's great that you're finding ways to incorporate connection and play into your daily rituals, and that you're also sensitive to the fact that sooner or later, your girls will want -- and need -- more privacy when they bathe.

Dear AdviceMama,

I have two sons, 14 and 8. The 14-year-old is from a previous marriage -- his father abandoned him. The younger one's father is around although we are not married. I found the older was getting aggressive towards the younger one because the young one was telling the older to stop saying "Dad" to his dad. I spoke to both, and tried for peace, what else can I do?

Signed,
Aching for Fatherless Son

Dear Aching,

Reading your question, I am reminded yet again of the fact that despite every parent's hope that their children will have an easy time growing up, childhood can be difficult. As much as it pains us to see our children suffering, there are times when we simply can't fix what's wrong.

Dear AdviceMama,

The school district wants to put my son in a self-contained class all day at school. What is the best way to fight this? He has Asperger's, ADHD, and some behavior problems, but he is very smart (tested above average on their IQ test). He mainly throws temper tantrums if things don't go exactly his way, and has tics when he is anxious. There is a class in the district for Asperger's, but they do not want to put him in it because the Asperger's kids don't have behavior issues in this class (what???). I really want to keep him out of the self-contained class, please help.

Signed, Unrestrained or Self-Contained