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Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War

issue 4605 | 02.01.10

THE OREGON WILDERNESS—"I think World War II was justified, and I got behind the first Gulf War [in 1990]," said the bird, who has served as...
Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Devastating Personal Attack On Illinois Man

issue 4604 | 01.28.10

WASHINGTON—The highly coordinated strike, which made light of his ample girth, lack of employment, and inability to meet single women, occurred...
'How Bad For The Environment Can Throwing Away One Plastic Bottle Be?' 30 Million People Wonder

issue 4603 | 01.19.10

WASHINGTON—"It's fine, it's fine," thought Maine native Sheila Hodge, echoing the exact sentiments of Chicago-area resident Phillip Ragowski,...
Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

issue 4602 | 01.12.10

LOUISVILLE, KY—"The other week, I was this close to picketing in front of an abortion clinic," the mortified teenager said, his eyes...
Nation's Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau Of Masochism Reports

issue 4601 | 01.05.10

WASHINGTON—"The vast majority of U.S. citizens are simply not receiving the physical punishment they deserve,” said Masochism Bureau chief...