ORLANDO (BorowitzReport.com): The Borowitz Report has obtained the first draft of Tiger Woods' official statement regarding his recent woes:

To my fans:

I am writing to set the record straight about a number of rumors that have been spread about me, my actions, and my character.

Prior to last weekend,...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The morning after President Obama laid out his new strategy for the war in Afghanistan, media critics are expressing concern that the focus on Afghanistan could distract the media from getting to the bottom of the Tiger Woods story.

With the budgets of media companies...

ORLANDO (The Borowitz Report) - In a development that rocked the worlds of sports and politics, golf superstar Tiger Woods announced today that he was hanging up his clubs to become a politician.

"After two days of refusing to speak to the media about suspicious aspects of my personal life,...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House earlier this week made their way to the Oval Office and came within seconds of triggering a nuclear war, Secret Service officials admitted today.

According to a Secret Service spokesperson, the uninvited couple managed...

GENEVA (The Borowitz Report) - In what is being seen as a setback for Roman Polanski, the Swiss court that ordered the famed director free on bail today prohibited him from poking people on the popular social networking site Facebook.

The court order also bans Mr. Polanski from using a...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a potentially embarrassing situation for the Obama White House, a turkey pardoned by President Obama earlier this week went on a three-state killing spree on Thanksgiving Day, killing nine.

While authorities were still piecing together the motivation behind the recidivist fowl's homicidal rampage, a...

WASILLA (The Borowitz Report): One day before Thanksgiving, Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following "thankfulnesses list":

This being my list of the thankfulnesses I'm tapping into this year...

I have thankfulness that we have a President who is learning to celebrate our American holidays like Thanksgiving and...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Former CNN host Lou Dobbs said today that he was seriously considering running for president after being urged to do so by an imaginary friend.

In a conference call with reporters, Mr. Dobbs said that he had not thought about seeking public office until...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Facing mounting criticism from the public and the media, Goldman Sachs announced today that they would cancel plans to dance around a bonfire of thousand-dollar bills.

The company had planned to perform a pagan dance around the inferno of blazing thousands while roasting a...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - A homeless man who began shouting at New Yorkers in 1985 said that Oprah Winfrey was the inspiration behind his decision to call it quits in early 2010.

"I've had a good run," said Tracy Klugian, who has barked non sequiturs at passersby on...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - As the health care reform bill makes its way through the U.S. Senate, Sen. Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn.) said today that he was "actively exploring" new ways to be as big a dick as humanly possible.

For Sen. Lieberman, whose reputation for assholic behavior is legendary,...

NEW WORD: Republizombie (re-PUB-li-zom-bee) (n) 1. Former GOP office-holder, now undead, unkillable; see Palin, S.; Cheney, D; Delay, T.; Armey, D.; Gingrich, N. A flesh-eater, the Republizombie counter-intuitively eats the flesh of other GOP; see 23rd Congressional District, NY. 2. Former relative of a former GOP office-holder, such as the...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a plan that would solve the thorny problem of where to transfer the detainees currently held at Guantanamo, Attorney General Eric Holder said today that the enemy combatants would be transferred immediately to a Department of Motor Vehicles office in Manhattan.

While Mr. Holder...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Amid the publicity blitz for her new book, Going Rogue, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said today that "she was looking forward to reading it, big time."

Gov. Palin said that the book caught her interest as she was promoting it on Oprah last...

BEIJING (The Borowitz Report) - Hours after scientists confirmed finding evidence of water on the moon, the United States and China each announced ambitious plans to become the first nation to pollute the moon's water.

Both space programs argued that there were more than bragging rights at stake, with China...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - One day after clashing with CNN host Larry King, former Miss California Carrie Prejean showed another flash of anger today, storming off the set of her own sex tape.

While it is unclear what precisely set Ms. Prejean off, she seems to have been...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Controversial CNN host Lou Dobbs bade the people of Earth farewell today as he embarked on a long voyage back to his planet of origin.

Standing on a launching pad with his rocket ship at the ready, Mr. Dobbs addressed a crowd of dozens...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - In a move that took many in the publishing industry by surprise, the vibrator of former Miss California Carrie Prejean signed a deal today to write a tell-all memoir.

The book, tentatively titled "Still Buzzing," will offer what the publisher called a "vibrator's eye...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - A scathing new memo on Afghanistan written by one of President Obama's top security advisors emphasizes the futility of a continued U.S. military presence there, at one point going so far as to compare the war to NBC's "Jay Leno Show."

"When you go at...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Goldman Sachs' Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein's comment that bankers are doing "God's work" came under fire today from one of the longest-standing allies of the firm, Satan, the Prince of Darkness.

In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Beelzebub blasted Mr. Blankfein for...