[-]This is none of my business in some ways, and I usually stay out of my dh's relationship with his family, but I'm worried about him. His dad recently passed away, and it was a big blow to him. He loved him very much. And he just told me that he read the will, in which everything goes to his mom, with a contingency that if his mom had passed away before his dad, that everything would go to my dh's older brother. Nothing about my dh. My dh says it isn't a big deal and it's just a "firstborn" thing that is cultural (his parents are from another country originally), but how can he not have this change the way he thinks about his dad? It's a moot point anyway (since it all goes to his mom), and it isn't about the money or anything like tha...
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[-]I am so mean to my DH. I call him names and hiss at him almost every day. I try to be nice, but honestly, the stress of taking care of almost every single detail in our lives (we have 2 kids) makes me crazy. DH helps out, but sometimes he's slow to react and I get mad all over again. Is this normal?
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Really? Phew! I was starting to think my marriage was on the rocks or something... I'm still trying to tone it down, though, because I'm pretty sure DH is tired of me calling him a f*cking a$$hole!!! Thanks.
[ Reply | Options ]i'm not sure if you are asking for advice but i'd say that even though this is normal, if you are starting to notice it, you need to take steps to get out of the habit. stop all the name calling and nasty language. then make a commitment for a certain amount of time. even if it's just the first ten minutes after he gets home in the evening. and for those ten minutes, you will be pleasant. it works wonders, for both of you. good luck!
[ Reply | Options ]OP: Yes, I agree! I feel that I get angry for valid reasons, but my response to it is downright rude. DH does help out (a lot more than some), so I have to start focusing on that and cut down on my expectations that he's going to start thinking like me. I've always been the alpha in the family, but it's gotten extreme...sigh...
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I was going to do a poll about the division of household work, but decided that it would just piss me off. I'm not a yeller, but DH does squat, while I take care of almost every detail in our lives, and it can be so frustrating. (I also have a guilt-issue - we both work, but DH makes much, much more than me.)
[ Reply | Options ]Normal? Maybe. Healthy? No. Hope you don't mind that your husband is cheating on you.
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[-]Can't decide if we really can't afford a bigger apt...or if we just don't spend our money wisely. How much is your total HH income? And how much is your mortgage/rent?
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[-]31 wks pg and really bad sunburn. having trouble walking my legs are so burned...any suggestions?
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[-]What do you do about annual raises when your nanny has been with you for a while? Ours is currently making $20/hour for 3 DCs (although in reality she has 3 for at most 3-4 hours/week of her 40 hours and about 25 hours are with just DB). She's been with us for 6 years, gets 2 official vacation weeks (but about 4-5 in practice) plus 10 days. Her annual raises have be $50/week (which we inherited from the family that had her before), but now that is starting to seem too much given her level of pay-she makes >$40K per year off the books. WWYD?
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]talk to her and say you cannot continue giving her raises. If she wants to leave she can.
[ Reply | Options ]op: I don't want her to leave, but I also want to pay a reasonable amount, which I already think I am
[ Reply | Options ]She may resent you, but she would not leave as she would not make this kind of money elsewhere. In fact, she would be lucky to find a job at 16-17/hr, even if she has experience and she has college degree. I'd offer her $25 raise though. If you cannot afford it (or do not want to), then I'd let her go. I think the resentment she would feel with no raise would prevent her from doing her job well.
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The nanny is off the book, so benefits are not a possibility. Plus they are not cheaper than $50/week.
[ Reply | Options ]There are various definitions of "benefits", you know. MetroCard. Gym Membership. Come on, people. This is not brain science.
[ Reply | Options ]I can't say about OP's nanny, but my nanny would never prefer a Gym Membership to some cash. She gets a MetroCard because she needs it and to her is equivalent to actual $$. I'd say almost all nannies would take cash instead of a gift. Only exception may be health insurance, although if offered cash for it, they may go for cash.
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i'd just stop giving raises. i know you don't want her to leave but i think you have to ask yourself two questions: 1. is she likely to get another job paying the same amount even if you stopped giving raises, and 2. she isn't your dh. would it really be terrible if she left? i mean, at some point you have to ask yourself if it's worth the money you are paying.
[ Reply | Options ]Pssstttt... maybe she's a great nanny. Ever think that some people DON'T want a nanny who spends her whole day on the phone?
[ Reply | Options ]you know, there's something in between. and there are even great nannies who aren't getting $20/hour. i don't care what she pays her nanny. but she does need to re-evaluate and ask herself if it's still worth the amount she's paying. a knee-jerk "i don't want to lose my nanny" sounds more like a comfort level than anything else.
[ Reply | Options ]Ridiculous. If this woman wasn't a good worked and commited to OP's children, it is hardly likely that the relationship would have lasted 6 years. OP seems to be one of the PRECIOUS few people in this city who recognize the importance of finding a good nanny, establishing a long term relationship with her, and paying her a decent salary. Yes, at this point, it seems like a raise is not totally necessary. But the idea that she's keeping this woman around out of a knee-jerk "comfort" level is absolutely absurd.
[ Reply | Options ]that's all nice and good. but she is also finding herself paying over 40k for someone to watch her baby. plus vacation. you can talk about "paying decent salaries" out the wazoo. very few families can easily swallow that amount of money. it doesn't mean the nanny isn't good, it just means that she'll have to decide if it's still worth that amount to her.
[ Reply | Options ]Nice way to redirect your argument. I'm sure this woman can afford the nanny. Otherwise she would be posting, "I can't afford my nanny". This is not the case. She is merely trying to decide if the current nanny needs a raise. She likely does not. However, please refrain from stupid arguments like "you're just in a comfort relatioship" just because the OP prioritizes hiring a quality nanny and establishing a long-term relationship with her.
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At next review I would give a nominal $25/week raise, then explicitly state that I would not be able to give another raise for 2 years. Average cost of living raises are 3-5% annually. Sounds like you have been giving well above that. Not to mention that virtually everyone I know has received pay cuts or salary reductions in some form from blue collar to top finance to medicine (stagnant). Nannying is not a recession proof field and your nanny will likely understand completely, and be grateful to have a well paying job in this economy.
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[-]We will need a babysitter from 2:30-5:30 mon/fri starting in the fall for our 4 yr old. We've never had a nanny (nor do we go out much - we don't even have a sitter!) What is the best place to find someone, what should we expect to pay, and when should we start looking? Would love an energetic college-age or so person. TIA!
2 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Barnard College babysitting is great if you live on the UWS: http://eclipse.barnard.columbia.edu/~bbsitter/index.html
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[-]Our Principal told us that she's really concerned about the quality of teachers going down in our school now that she can only interview from "the pool of undesirables". The more new classes a school opens next year the worse the teacher quality is going to be thanks to Bloomberg
9 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]wonder what the process is like. When I worked for the NYC gov't certain jobs had to be hired from a list (that people took a test to get on). So if you were looking for someone and the list just started, you got the people who scored well on the test at least. Once though we were hiring for a position and we were give 2 weeks to fill it and the "list" was 80% exhausted. We had to interview off the bottom 20% of the list (one of the applicants had dozed off while waiting to be called it)....we were told we could interview 5 people and we HAD to pick one. It was then I realized why city agencies run so poorly.
[ Reply | Options ]Before, there were no mandatory process. The hiring freeze is because of the budget. Holding 1000 teachers (not sure of the number) in the reserve because they cannot be replaced is now a big deal, so they are trying to fix it by not allowing anyone to be hired outside of the system until summer.
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i don't understand. i thought bloomie's takeover of the schools was about this type of thing NOT happening. what gives?
[ Reply | Options ]The pool does not consist of "undesirables", those would be the 'rubber room' teachers. The teachers waiting in the pool are there because their schools either closed or they were otherwise displaced. This whole notion that schools have to hire the idiots from the rubber room is nonsense! The RR teachers are there because they were accused of something and they are waiting for due process -- they are not there waiting to be hired by some unsuspecting principal. Principals often don't want to choose from the pool because they have more experience and cost more in salary than someone straight out of school. Do your homework before you go blasting Bloomberg...
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Is NYKB on 2nd Ave closed?
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[-]So here's my latest paranoid concern: I know it's impossible for any of us to know who the other posters are unless they out themselves. But do you ever worry that the UB folks keep track of who we are and what we say? People often reveal a scary amount about themselves to anyone with the ability to put it all together--HHI, sex life, children, to say nothing about true opinions of schools. Just wondering. . . .
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Has anyone really looked at the gender breakdown on the 2009 ELAs? I took a quick look, and was a little taken aback by the big gaps between female and male performance at some schools like LL (on a percentage basis). Any thoughts anyone? Are some of our schools better with boys than others?
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