• I’ve got fat, but I’m not a father.
• I’ve got a coat, but I’m not a coat rack.
• I’ve got heat, but I’m not a heathen.
• I’ve got a cat, but I’m really more of a dog person.
• I’ve got ambition, but I’m not one of those people who’s just going to knock everyone out of his way to get what he wants, you know?
• I’ve got a rash, but I dont’ think it’s contagious.
• I’ve got cocaine, but I’m just holding it for a friend.
• I’ve got some David Bowie CDs, but I’m no David Bowie.

This is the last one kids! Enjoy!

By Beth Edwards, from “Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney’s Book of Lists,” to be published by Vintage Books next month. We’ll be publishing a list from the Book of Lists every day this week.

I guess it’s possible she’s talking about something other than these hocking loogies-at-the-photogs incidents, but we got this email from Avril’s people announcing that she’d like to “sincerely apologize for [her] behavior with the Paparazzi.”

So: In addition to feeling so much better after hearing from their idol, fans will be psyched to know that she have always go out of her way for her fans and values their relationship. To understand that last sentence check out the full release after the jump. (more…)

For those still pondering 2001’s emo question of year, “Is Chris Carabba an unapologetic sellout?” hear this: Broseph has signed on as music director for next week’s episode of MTV’s really really real reality show Laguna Beach. So on the October 4th episode, you can hear tunes that Carraba himself lovingly selected as a backdrop for Kyndra’s Valentine’s Day dinner party and Rocky’s romantical night out with Alex. Our collective breath is, like, so totally bated.

Any excuse to write about those crazy Carters works for us. They are just so . . . how do you say? Ridiculous. Check out this Page Six item, which summarizes Nick Carter’s appearance on Howard Stern. The interview apparently reveals that Carter lost his virginity to Debbie LeFave, that teacher from Florida who made headlines for doing it with her 13-year-old student. (more…)

You heard it here first, folks. Unsigned quirk-rock geniuses Clap Your Hands Say Yeah — who played a pretty swell show with equally quirky Aussie outfit Architecture in Helsinki at NYC’s Central Park Summerstage last night — will be headlining a special New Year’s Eve concert at Manhattan’s Hammerstein Ballroom. Those of you planning to be in the area for the holidays can order pre-sale tickets beginning October 3rd. Stay tuned for more info and details on the full New Year’s lineup.

As anyone who’s ever misheard the lyrics to Elton John’s “Benny & The Jets” knows, sometimes the word “boots” can be mistaken for one of our personal favorite cleavage euphemisms. Which might explain why, when one of the all-too-vocal audience members at Regina Spektor’s Town Hall show in NYC last night shouted, “I love your boots!” the singer adjusted her body-hugging floral wrap dress, wiggled a little on her piano bench and gave an eyelash-fluttering “Thanks.” She was, for the record, wearing a pair of impressive red suede boots, and they stayed planted firmly under her grand piano for the majority of her brilliant set. (more…)

• Cartoon band Gorillaz have their own autobiography and it’s coming out in early November. If you go here you can find out how to get a signed copy by making the coolest video about the book. (Wow, that’s so meta it makes our heads hurt.) If you wanna read about more supercool rock books coming out this fall, peep the next issue of Rolling Stone, on stands October 6th.
• Fab Five Freddy and President George Bush Senior got into it at the Superdome during the big Saints game the other night, according to The Post. “I got in his way and [yelled], ‘We need to bring the troops home!’” Freddy said, adding, “He told me, ‘We must win this war.’ So I said again, ‘Bring the troops home’ - and even though people tried to herd him away, he came back and said, ‘I don’t really have anything to do with it.’” Au contraire, George: If you and Babs had just used a rubber. . .
• Have The Academy Is … kicked out their guitarist, Tom Conrad?! Drama in emo-land.
• Madonna, the highest paid female singer ever, makes everybody rich. Especially H&M.
• We are amped to the max about the forthcoming Three 6 Mafia reality show Adventures in Hollywood. Not quite as amped as we are about Nick and Aaron Carter’s deliciously trashy House of Carters, but amped just the same.
• More exclusive downloadable Cat Power stuff, including covers of Otis Redding’s “Remember Me” and Hank Williams’ “Ramblin’ Man.” Nice.
• Is it punk to reference The Outsiders? Well the sweet-ass “Stay Gold” hoodie from Pete Wentz’s Clandestine collection can be yours for the totally not-punk price of $84.95. But we kind of want it anyway.

So, right, there are these clips up on YouTube from an upcoming documentary about Courtney Love. We’ve been watching them. The one where she shows the reporter her shoe collection and then happens upon the jacket Kurt died in feels so self-promoting and manipulative that it made us not want to watch any others. But the clip that’s up today, which puts into context footage from the first clip and shows bits of interviews with Billy Corgan and Linda Perry, is actually really intriguing.

(more…)

If we had a nickel for every time we thought about the plight of the humpback whale . . . . well, we’d still be flat broke because we’re self-involved like that. Luckily, the folks at Stopwhaling.org are way more considerate of our fine blow-hole-having friends. So much so that they came up with the genius idea of getting folks to remix recorded whale-speak. (You know the stuff we’re talking about: that weird, moany noise they pipe into the soundsystem at Sea World.)

The trick was to assemble a slew of music bigshots — including MC5’s Wayne Kramer, Le Tigre’s Joanna Fateman, and No Doubt’s Tom Dumont — and have them choose the best ones. Twenty-year-old Luke Moellman from Miami got top honors, which means that his track will be featured in some PSAs that raise awareness about (sniff) whale slaughter. Listen to his cool, acid jazz-ish remix and try your hand at making your own here.

This is one of the weirdest videos we’ve seen in a while. It starts off as this Honey I Shrunk The Kids-esque scenario in which the band members are very detailed and human-like bugs exploring the world . . . and then we meet the blonde. Suddenly the bugs/band are crawling up her leg making a beeline for the panties. Then she’s spraying them with fluorescent green bug killer. After some disturbing bedroom scenes involving a flyswatter, Cee-Lo-the-bug and his blonde are strolling hand in hand down the beach. It’s all very wrong — and maybe genius. Watch it.

• Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s last record - A Son Unique - will be released on November 7th, the two-year anniversary of ODB’s death.
• Audioslave’s Tom Morello was arrested in LA yesterday at a protest for worker’s rights.
• What’s shocking about the news that Madonna has knocked Britney Spears off the Guiness World Records’ list of highest paid female singers is that Brit was ever ahead. Thank god this has been remedied.
• Flavor Flav is set to release his self-titled solo debut, which, he says, will also be his last solo album ever and will feature zero collaborations. The man has principles or something.
• Miles Davis was inducted into Hollywood’s RockWalk yesterday. We have no idea what this means but Miles Davis is cool.
• Is Gerard Way starting to channel Billy Corgan? The video for new single “Welcome to the Black Parade” is absurdly awesome and reminds us of something the Pumpkins could have done circa Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness ... we mean that in a good way.
  [via Stereogum]

Sexy bitch par-exellence Naomi Campbell was a no-show at her court date on Wednesday (’member when she was charged with assault for beating yet another maid with a telephone?) and now she’s got the ruling judge so pissed he’s threatening the uber-model with jailtime.

We know it’s evil, but we’re sort of relishing the image of Ms. Thang being carted off to the pokey and have been coming up with scads of ideas for songs that would make a good backing soundtrack if/when the judge throws the book at the irate glamazon. Here are a few of our picks. What are yours?

• “Smack My Bitch Up,” The Prodigy
• “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” Pat Benetar
• “Queen Bitch,” David Bowie
• “The Bitch Is Back,” Elton John
• “Crazy Bitch,” Buckcherry
• “Baby Bitch,” Ween
• “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” Britney Spears
• “Oops, I Did It Again,” Britney Spears
• “Hangin’ On The Telephone,” Blondie

When we read that actress Emma Watson might not reprise the role of Hermione Granger in the next two installments of the “Harry Potter” movies, we cried. Then, to cheer ourselves up, we rocked out to Harry and the Potters, who inspire us to embrace our inner geekiness with the songs “This Book is so Awesome” and “Save Ginny Weasley.” We’ve no doubt the band is composing an appropriate Hermione-centric song this very moment. Check out their stuff on MySpace and get your dork on.

Our intrepid photo editor was (totally slacking off) and watching the really amusing Weird Al video for his genius track “White and Nerdy” when she noticed that the Trivial Pursuit card he holds up has actual questions on it. And they are freaking hysterical.

• In what city is the largest ball of twine built by one man?
• What’s the deal with Lindsay Lohan? I mean, seriously?
• FDR - was he faking it?
• On what page does Harry Potter die in the next book?
• What is the melting point of a gorilla’s head?
• How many Wicket men are there on a 43-Man Squamish team?

UPDATE: Many thanks to Hulka who helped us decipher the last question via Wikipedia. Wikipedia is officially terrifying in its thoroughness.

Finally an answer to the enduring question: Who the hell cares about Russell Crowe’s music? According to New York Magazine, RZA cares, and he cares a lot. The rapper, who is co-staring with Crowe in the Ridley Scott flick American Gangster is particularly into the Crowe-penned track “Weight of a Man” with the lyrics: “I’m so hard to handle … my life’s a suitcase that’s never been closed / But … you’re not one bit scared / to shoulder / a burden like me”. “I was like, ‘Damn, I kind of feel that‘,” RZA reportedly said. (more…)