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In the many months leading up to Noby Noby Boy's release on the PSN, I have held firm on one important fact -- that the Boy of the game's title is a dark and brooding hub of black, thirsting evil in the purest of forms. He is all of man's malevolence, condensed and contained with a soulless vessel. Just look at him! It's obvious!
Having played Noby Noby Boy for several days now, all my deepest, darkest fears have been made flesh. Boy is indeed the obsidian child, and I have the proof! For all those who believe in that which is good and Holy, please read on, and join me in my fight to stop this grotesque menace!
He Promotes Communism:
If you need a clear example of why Noby Noby Boy is Lucifer's consort, then look no further than the entire point of his game. Noby Noby Boy is a black ritual in which everybody who owns the game works together for a common goal, pitching in their resources and surrendering all they have worked for in the name of the common good. Sound familiar?
The aim of Noby Noby Boy is to stretch the Boy out throughout the course of a play session and acquire an overall length. Before you quit the game, you then need to report your length so it can be added to the Girl, who will eventually reach The Moon. Everybody with a PSN account is expected to do this. Young or old, big or small. If that's not something that would have given Lenin a hard-on, I don't know what is.
It is my belief that Boy, as part of his agenda to destroy civilization and, of course, overthrow the Christian values of America, is spreading the filthy word of Communism to all good little boys and girls who are unfortunate enough to play this game. Boy's natural color is also pink as well. Pink? Pinko? Pinko Commie Vodka Drinking Bastard? Oh yes, Boy practically flaunts it.
Also, just in case you didn't notice, the point of stretching Girl is to get her to The Moon. Tell me, who had a space program and wanted to get to The Moon before America? That's right! Russia's goal of Lunar superiority never died, and it now works vicariously through the twisted machinations of Boy. The truth will out!
He Eats His Own Arse:
Boy is the ultimate symbol of decadence and perversion, a noir reflection of man's own potential for debasement and sinful horrors. If you've played Noby Noby Boy for any length of time, you'll know that Boy can split himself in half sometimes. As if being cut in twain and move both ends independently of one another wasn't enough of an affront to all that is righteous, what happens next is sickening to behold.
If you want to join the two halves of Boy back together, all you need to do is have him EAT HIS ARSE. That's right, Noby Noby Boy practices masturbatory cannibalistic analingus. Is there no end to this carnal carnival of gruesome gratification? No, there is no end. The only end in sight is the rear end that Boy is chowing down to satisfy his infernal lust. Somebody ban this sick filth!
He Cavorts With Devils:
Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight? Boy has, and he's not ashamed to admit it. Noby Noby Boy is full of devils that seem to wear crude jockstraps and parade around with pitchforks, dancing like maniacs while their cold, dead faces betray not one slightest jot of emotion.
We captured the above photographic evidence, which was difficult to do since Noby possesses a sentience that sees him wander off on his own accord the second you try and take a screenshot -- further proof of his evil. He definitely tried to stop the camera from taking any evidence of his demonic consultations, but we snapped this as he casually walked away. You can't walk away from this Boy! The net is closing in -- the GOODNESS net!
He Is Basically Eugene Victor Tooms From X-Files:
Eugene Victor Tooms is one of the most popular villains from The X-Files, an immortal cannibal who is capable of contorting and stretching his body in order to reach his prey. Sound like anybody you know? Yup, Boy has modeled himself on a hallmark of sci-fi evil, and pursues his sinister goals with reckless abandon.
Boy is able to eat innocent people for his own selfish ends, and does so without remorse. He too can stretch his body to fantastic proportions, sometimes just to accommodate more human flesh. Boy is Tooms. The truth is out there.
He Plays God:
Noby's list of crimes is long, but the prime example of just how low he'll sink remains his unethical and cruel genetic experimentation. We recently unearthed this dank and grisly secret as Boy, casually indifferent to our presence, embarked on horrific human experiments so demented and sadistic that even Josef Mengele would feel queasy.
First of all, Boy did what Boy does best -- he cannibalized a human being, swallowing him whole as a snake would swallow an egg. His murderous hunger not satisfied, Boy then swallowed an African Rhino! This in and of itself was disturbing, but when he then proceeded to defecate his two-course meal of murder, the mutated, malformed monstrosity that exited his rectal region was a sight to behold.
Yes, Boy had managed to splice together the genes of a person and a rhino to create the ravaged wreckage you see in the picture. His unholy son, the rhinocerhuman! Even worse, you can win a PS3 Trophy for doing this. The game actively rewards and encourages crimes against nature!
He Admits It:
If that's not proof that Noby Noby Boy is the product of the Great Beast, then I don't know what is. I rest my case, even though some of these choices were ... a bit of a stretch!
I want to say this was funny... I want to say that I laughed out loud... but I know Jim would be hurting inside like Boy eating his own ass... if I said this was not funny...
I don't get the game at all. For $5 it was no financial loss, but I played it for a few hours to try to "get into it" and finally exited with a feeling of "That was absolutely boring. Cute, but boring."
Putting on that "Satan's Spawn" text was hysterical, though!
John B- My take on the game is that it's taking Sandbox gameplay to a new level.
Animal Crossing and GTA claim to be sandbox games, but they still give you objectives and goals. Noby Noby Boy pretty much denies any of that, and instead says "Here is some stuff. Play with it" then leaves you alone.
You [i]can/i] make little goals for your self, like splicing characters together, or knocking everything off the map, or even pursuing the proposed "purpose" of the game which is to make yourself as long ass possible, but you don't have to. It's all up to you.
My average session of Noby Noby boy has consisted of me running around, stretching, eating, and pooping as much as possible until I get bored of the map I'm on. Then I head to the next map, and repeat.
So far, I've been able to do that for hours and not get bored, and I haven't seen the same map twice.
Yeah, the first thing I did once I found about writing on BOY was write "WHAT THE HELL AM I?!!?"
It's an excellent way to spend $5 if you're into weird, quirky games.
If the game is accurate with the real distance, GIRL is pretty damn close to the moon. Last I checked it was nearing 300 million meters and I think it's like 360 million meters from the earth to the moon.
Excellent work jim. It's about time someone had the courage to take this bastard down.
Not only have I put hours into it alone, but we partied at my house last night and oh my god, the little demon hijacked our shingig. We fucked around with it until 7 in the morning. Hypnotized by its satanic stare.
My friend Matt said something that scared me last night. He said he was seriously considering getting a PS3 just because of that game. A $400 system for a $5 game? WTF? After I talked him down from his noby noby high, he agreed that might be stupid idea.
Still, it's the next day and I haven't heard from him yet. I think it got him. And I'm scared.
Be strong, necrozen.
Remember, however, that if your friend turns up with a PS3, then that person is no longer your friend. Stay away from them, but if confronted, steel and fire make good defences.
Around here they make you wait 72 hours before you can file a missing persons report. But then I think, what's the point?
If it got him, hes inside. Screaming. Locked in a crayola prison of technicolor hell. And when it is done with him, what will come out will look like him and act like him, but it won't be him. Because that's what it does.
Jesus, I just realized I've been typing all this with one hand. My other.... is on my ps3 controller. I can't stop my other hand. It is reaching for the PS3 controller right now. It wants more------
Game isn't about anything, people seem to like, I don't. If this wasn't a game of some sort you'd keep your five bucks. If someone wanted to tell you something that made no sense, and couldn't be explained, and wanted to charge you $5 for it you'd do it right? If so I'll give you my address and you all can send me your money.
@naia-the-gamer
It's actually a lovebird, which is technically the smallest bird in the parrot family, but as the damn things rarely learn to say a damn word I think of them as little more than a loud, annoying bird. (I have two of the damn things and THEY are the spawn of satan. One even looks like the one in NNB)
Quit ragging on the Prince of Darkness...poor guy just can't catch a break ever since being exiled from Paradise. He's been getting nothing but negative PR campaigns ever since the Christians slaughtered all the Pagans...doesn't he deserve a little sympathy? ;p
I fully respect your opinion. However, I think that the reason the people behind this game didn't tell you what it is about is because the exploration process - or finding out what it is about to you - is part of the fun.
It's like when you were a little kid. During recess the teachers let you out on the playground. They didn't take you on a detailed tour of it, explaining each aspect of the playground and giving you instructions on how it was to be used. You used it as you pleased. When I was little we played king of the mountain on the big, half-buried tires. They weren't made for that, but that's what we decided they were made for. Or some days we'd climb inside them and pretended they were caves.
If they had been too specific about this game, it would have defeated the purpose of making it open ended in the first place.
Do you know what hell is? Walking down the street and fearing that at any moment you could be devoured, spliced together with the hot dog vendor on the corner, and pooped out into some terrible, unnatural beast. You remember the end of the Fly when Brundle fuses with the teleporter and begs Julia Roberts to kill him?
Yeah. It's like that. Do not pray for Noby Noby Boy, pray for those who fall in his shadow.
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OMG, now I'm so damn scared, thanks Jim!
Aww, how can something so cute be a slave to Satan himself? D:
Before, reading this piece, I liked this game.
Now, I'm in god-damn love with it. Thank you, Jim!
masturbatory cannibalistic analingus
This phrase has been burned into my mind, and I will commit the rest of my life to interpreting it through dance.
Ok, you got me Jim, I'll buy the damn game!
So after 3 days of playing can you kindry explain what the hell the game is all about?
"Before, reading this piece, I liked this game.
Now, I'm in god-damn love with it. Thank you, Jim!"
What he said.
@Jim:
'This is mental!'
That pun at the end made me crap my pants.
Hm. #1 seems like more of a euphemism for sex. I mean, you increase your length, so you can give it to the Girl and send her to the moon!.
It's all good though, Satan is my homie, until he invites me over then he's MY BITCH!
damn commies
Man noby noby boy is awesome. Probably the best five dollars I ever spent. The fact that it doesn't make sense is the best part!
As for Boy being satan-spawn, I firmly believe that that little tutorial fairy that NEVER SHUTS UP is more likely possessed. Damn fairies these days.
I knew he was Satan the minute I saw the damn seizure parrot at the beginning. The parrot and squirrel scare me.
night terrors
I want to say this was funny... I want to say that I laughed out loud... but I know Jim would be hurting inside like Boy eating his own ass... if I said this was not funny...
NOT FUNNY JIM!!! Try harder next time...
I don't get the game at all. For $5 it was no financial loss, but I played it for a few hours to try to "get into it" and finally exited with a feeling of "That was absolutely boring. Cute, but boring."
Putting on that "Satan's Spawn" text was hysterical, though!
FRONT PAGE!!!!
Oh wait...
Space Squirrel Approves this post.
Seriously that Squirrel made my day. This post too. I love the game.
I cried at that last video.
It hurt too much.
The truth is finally revealed. I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed this.
John B- My take on the game is that it's taking Sandbox gameplay to a new level.
Animal Crossing and GTA claim to be sandbox games, but they still give you objectives and goals. Noby Noby Boy pretty much denies any of that, and instead says "Here is some stuff. Play with it" then leaves you alone.
You [i]can/i] make little goals for your self, like splicing characters together, or knocking everything off the map, or even pursuing the proposed "purpose" of the game which is to make yourself as long ass possible, but you don't have to. It's all up to you.
My average session of Noby Noby boy has consisted of me running around, stretching, eating, and pooping as much as possible until I get bored of the map I'm on. Then I head to the next map, and repeat.
So far, I've been able to do that for hours and not get bored, and I haven't seen the same map twice.
Ha!
Yeah, the first thing I did once I found about writing on BOY was write "WHAT THE HELL AM I?!!?"
It's an excellent way to spend $5 if you're into weird, quirky games.
If the game is accurate with the real distance, GIRL is pretty damn close to the moon. Last I checked it was nearing 300 million meters and I think it's like 360 million meters from the earth to the moon.
My god, we must cleanse the game in FIRE!
@Jonathan
Exactly my thoughts.
"masturbatory cannibalistic analingus" ??
I saw them play last week! Best indie band I know!
Excellent work jim. It's about time someone had the courage to take this bastard down.
Not only have I put hours into it alone, but we partied at my house last night and oh my god, the little demon hijacked our shingig. We fucked around with it until 7 in the morning. Hypnotized by its satanic stare.
My friend Matt said something that scared me last night. He said he was seriously considering getting a PS3 just because of that game. A $400 system for a $5 game? WTF? After I talked him down from his noby noby high, he agreed that might be stupid idea.
Still, it's the next day and I haven't heard from him yet. I think it got him. And I'm scared.
I kinda want to buy this even more now.
Jimmy!
Be strong, necrozen.
Remember, however, that if your friend turns up with a PS3, then that person is no longer your friend. Stay away from them, but if confronted, steel and fire make good defences.
As funny as this article is, Jim is pretty close to the truth. There is certainly a deeper meaning hidden behind the bright colors of this game.
I agree, this game gave me nightmares.
@ Mikular
Around here they make you wait 72 hours before you can file a missing persons report. But then I think, what's the point?
If it got him, hes inside. Screaming. Locked in a crayola prison of technicolor hell. And when it is done with him, what will come out will look like him and act like him, but it won't be him. Because that's what it does.
Jesus, I just realized I've been typing all this with one hand. My other.... is on my ps3 controller. I can't stop my other hand. It is reaching for the PS3 controller right now. It wants more------
I SEE THE LIGHT!
.. AND IT BURRRRNNNNSSS!! @_@
Game isn't about anything, people seem to like, I don't. If this wasn't a game of some sort you'd keep your five bucks. If someone wanted to tell you something that made no sense, and couldn't be explained, and wanted to charge you $5 for it you'd do it right? If so I'll give you my address and you all can send me your money.
@naia-the-gamer
It's actually a lovebird, which is technically the smallest bird in the parrot family, but as the damn things rarely learn to say a damn word I think of them as little more than a loud, annoying bird. (I have two of the damn things and THEY are the spawn of satan. One even looks like the one in NNB)
HAHA that was very funny.
Quit ragging on the Prince of Darkness...poor guy just can't catch a break ever since being exiled from Paradise. He's been getting nothing but negative PR campaigns ever since the Christians slaughtered all the Pagans...doesn't he deserve a little sympathy? ;p
$5? When I got en e-mail from Sony, they announced the game for $10.
Was that a mistake, or did they originally want $10 for this?
@ Corak
I fully respect your opinion. However, I think that the reason the people behind this game didn't tell you what it is about is because the exploration process - or finding out what it is about to you - is part of the fun.
It's like when you were a little kid. During recess the teachers let you out on the playground. They didn't take you on a detailed tour of it, explaining each aspect of the playground and giving you instructions on how it was to be used. You used it as you pleased. When I was little we played king of the mountain on the big, half-buried tires. They weren't made for that, but that's what we decided they were made for. Or some days we'd climb inside them and pretended they were caves.
If they had been too specific about this game, it would have defeated the purpose of making it open ended in the first place.
i need this fuckeng game. damn gamestop is 40 miles away and in the same parking lot as walmart. fuckeng psn cards.
Yeah, Noby Noby Boy is obviously the reincarnation of Stalin. But if you really want evil then look no further then Pokemon. WHITE SLAVERY!
The moment I saw this game , I KNEW you would do this article ..(humpf , previsible...)
haha, great article Jim, I never knew that boy was a pinko commie.
I suppose I should turn on the ole pstriple and download this because I support all that Boy represents.
hail satan
Yes, but he sure is a cute satans spawn.. *pinches cheek*
Do you know what hell is? Walking down the street and fearing that at any moment you could be devoured, spliced together with the hot dog vendor on the corner, and pooped out into some terrible, unnatural beast. You remember the end of the Fly when Brundle fuses with the teleporter and begs Julia Roberts to kill him?
Yeah. It's like that. Do not pray for Noby Noby Boy, pray for those who fall in his shadow.
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