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At the AV Club: Taste Test: Chicken in a Can

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issue 4508 | 02.16.09

Nation's Blacks Creeped Out By All The People Smiling At Them

WASHINGTON—"Obama gives a speech and it's like my team just won the Super Bowl. I didn't even vote for him. I'm a Libertarian," said Chicago...

• Muzak Files For Bankruptcy • Florida Gun Sellers Short On Bullets
issue 4507 | 02.10.09

Japan Pledges To Halt Production Of Weirdo Porn That Makes People Puke

TOKYO—"We had no idea people did not enjoy this stuff," said one official, expressing regret for the bondage, rape, and utensil-rape porn...

• Former eBay CEO Running For Governor • Michelle Obama To Be On 'Vogue' Cover • Black History Month: George Washington Carver • Marijuana Use Linked To Testicular Cancer
issue 4506 | 02.03.09

Action Figure Fights On Despite Loss Of Dragon Sword

SETH’S BEDROOM—"I am more powerful than the most powerful man on earth, who is me," shouted Huntarr the Warrior, after performing the splits...

• Digital TV Conversion Delayed • Most-Wanted Nazi Believed Dead In Cairo • Disney Fails To Meet Expectations • Black History Month: Harriet Tubman
issue 4505 | 01.27.09

Obama Disappointed Cabinet Failed To Understand His Reference To 'Savage Sword Of Conan' #24

WASHINGTON—President Obama received confused silence upon suggesting that his staff might have to "team up with Taurus of Nemedia" to secure...

• Octuplets Doing Well • Football Players Suffering Brain Damage • Why Aren't We On Facebook? • 55,000 Laid Off Monday
issue 4504 | 01.21.09

Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined By Incessant Jackhammering

WASHINGTON—"Well, I know one guy who doesn't need a job," said the new president, growing more annoyed as it became clear that the thumping was...

• Kennedy Removes Self From Senate Consideration • New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs • New President, New Website • More Peanut Butter Products Recalled
issue 4503 | 01.13.09

U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon

NEW YORK—"Tremble before the might of this cooperative assembly of appointed representatives," said Ban Ki-moon, clutching a stack of...

• Gannett Forces Employees To Take Unpaid Week Off • Texans Elect First Jewish Speaker • How Are We Losing Holiday Weight? • Winehouse, Husband Divorcing
issue 4502 | 01.06.09

Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date

WASHINGTON—According to the Department of Homeland Security, the U.S. could soon find itself in a "very real" 5/25 scenario, as well as a...

• Consumer Electronics Show Shrinks • Bank CEO Requests No Bonus • Where Are We Taking Our Visiting Parents? • China Cracking Down On Digital Pornography

The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

At the AV Club: Taste Test: Chicken in a Can

News Archives

Nation's Blacks Creeped Out By All The People Smiling At Them

Japan Pledges To Halt Production Of Weirdo Porn That Makes People Puke

Action Figure Fights On Despite Loss Of Dragon Sword

Obama Disappointed Cabinet Failed To Understand His Reference To 'Savage Sword Of Conan' #24

Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined By Incessant Jackhammering

U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon

Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date

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