Rad reviews Spiderman 3!

By Damien McFerran - 11 May, 2007

I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN

After months of inactivity the Mean Machines Archive Forum is now packed to the rafters with ex-EMAP staffers from all parts of the globe (including Australia). We posted about Tom's side-splitting contribution yesterday, and today we bring you yet another exclusive - Radion Automatic's review of the recent Superhero blockbuster, Spiderman 3! What makes this review so amazing is that Rad hasn't actually seen it yet, but he still manages to hit most of the more important points on the head!

Read on...

---

"I haven't seen Phil Spiderman 3 yet, in some sort of pathetic protest against it having three villains. Yeah! Take that Columbia Pictures! How's your record-breaking opening weekend now? Boo-yah!

Anyway. I was also lying to myself, as I fully intended to go and see the 'IMAX Experience' version, to fully appreciate the undoubted awesomeness of Sandman, which I assumed would be its one saving grace, even though he is being played by a tool.

Now I hear the story and powers of Sandman have been 'fucked up', which is just not on. He's already being played by that napkin-using ginger twat from Sideways, who looks like a 'Queer Musicology' lecturer rather than a bullnecked Brooklyn hod carrier who would otherwise be running with the Yancy Street Gang. How much more do they need to fuck him up, for fuck's sake? I can handle Venom being 'fucked forever', I knew that would happen when he was relegated to a black-costume subplot in a film which already had one villain too many. Actually, I think I knew it when I saw the Burger King Dark Whopper which, apart from sounding like a fucking Lexington Steele franchise, made me realise the black costume was only introduced to render all the world's children's Spiderman merchandise obsolete. But anyway. I knew he was never going to say 'I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN', which was all I wanted to hear, so I could handle it. And obviously I can handle the Gay Goblin being fucked, because he's been getting reamed like a snitch in Westin Hills since the first movie (I like the voices-in-the-head device, but that fucking costume was a right pile of Optimus Prime's lips). But fuck me, for Sandman to be played by some ginger gay-music-analysing lecturer, from the University Of Santa Barbara of all fucking places, waving his fucking so-called 'credentials' in my face and telling me how to bring up my kids, AND to have crap tartrazine-damaged special effects, AND to have his powers AND story 'fucked up'... well. That's not very good, is it?

Apart from that, I scanned through the rest of that email to avoid spoilers and just saw the words 'jazz dance skit', 'Inspector Clouseau', 'Ted Raimi's new marketing campaign' and 'I swear they fucking raped him' all leapt out. I don't think I want to see it at all now. That sounds like the aversion therapy video from Clockwork Orange. I don't want to see that on IMAX. I would therefore like you to cancel my subscription to Spiderman 3.

Exfucksior,

Rad

PS: I was going to say that it would have been better if the plot had involved them actually raping Venom, but I bet that would have just ended up as some crap Pulp Fiction spoof. And while I'm still here, the only good Stan Lee cameo is the one in the Simpsons, where he tries to squeeze a Hulk action figure into some kid's Batmobile, and breaks it, and when the kid starts crying that he broke it, he says 'Broke it... or made it better?'. Oh, and when I said that thing about Lexington Steele, I didn't mean Burger King would actually produce a Lexington Steele edition Dark Whopper, because I for one don't even want to think about what they would put in the black pepper sauce."

Rad reviews Spiderman 3!

Have your say about Rad reviews Spiderman 3!

Leave a comment