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DH : I love my wife but know she would be happier with someone else, someone that would buy her jewelry every month and let her have unlimited spending on her credit cards - if I love her, do I set her free?
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OP, hmmmm, just once in awhile i see something deeper in her and i do love her, but the other 80% of the time i cannot believe i am with someone that would be like this. I tried to break up with her when we were living together but she promised me she would change that i was not seeing the "real" her
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OP, maybe not, but it might be better for her to be out looking to know it for herself... we have a couple that are friends, he is nerdy guy and lavishes jewels on his wife, eve though she does not find him attractive, I think she would leave me for him if she were free to do so
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Ok, so maybe you guys are perfect for each other. I know a few couples, usually wall street, where the guy loves his wife because she's hot and the wife loves the guy for his money. In the cases I am thinking of, it doesn't seem like there is much else going for them - don't love, say, the essence of each other without the money and hotness.
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Why do you think she loves money? Maybe the way she receives love is through gifts and tokens of appreciation. Does it have to be expensive? Have you tried surprising her with things that are rich in thoughtfulness but not necessarily $$?
[ Reply | Options ]OP, she has spending prob - went to see shopaholic with her last friday night on our date night and that was her!
[ Reply | Options ]I guess as long as you have gobs of money to support it, I can see how you might survive, but to me, I would resent the hell out of my partner.
[ Reply | Options ]OP, but i thought most of the women in NYC and on UB are exactly the same way - all about the money?
[ Reply | Options ]FAKE FAKE, FAKITY FAKE. You just blew it. Good going for a couple of minutes, though!
[ Reply | Options ]OP, i like that you think this is fake ( i am chuckling) , but after the last 12 months of my marriage i truly believe all women in NYC are like this
[ Reply | Options ]I think if you think all women in NYC are like this, you are in a group of shallow, superficial friends and colleagues and maybe you need to get out of your little shallow circle.
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you work on wall st. and live in a world where men make money and women focus on their looks. you do realize there are many many other worlds in NYC right?
[ Reply | Options ]y, i do - i hate my job and the treadmill i am on, have invested in other businesses trying to break away from it - all the people i work with are scumbags, they would steal my biz in a minute - get calls to have interviews everyday, from people who want to steal my biz, i grew up in a better place than this but have landed in hell
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the question here is why would you want to be with a woman that felt this way? don't YOU deserve better? she sounds like a total douche, i don't care how "hot" she is, she's unredeemable if she puts $ before anything else.
[ Reply | Options ]pretty sure i am the wife in question here....let me just say that for 10 years I have been paying all the bills, all the child care, all the groceries, all the AMT taxes. He doesn't even pay a full half of the rent. So if this means I am only after money, so be it.....the fact is i feel he should help out and feel I have given him a very long time to do so. he is not a perfect as he is making himself out to be. As for our "nerdy" friends, they are very happy, he does provide for his family....would i want that man, no.
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Here's another thought: look at the situation through your wife's eyes. She is (presumably) SAHM and all mom friend are similarly focused on their looks, possessions etc. You seem to expect that you have the Wall Street job and accoutrements but your wife, somehow, is supposed to step out of this and "be different". My DH, similiary (?), wants the big money, the fancy schools, the great social life and he sometimes doesn't understand that certain possessions are "signals" in the social pecking order.
[ Reply | Options ]OP, i never bought into the wall st "role", i just followed the path that led to success and though I may not be as willing to spend to keep up with the Madoffs, i do know that i would rather have a deeper relationship with my family than anything that money can buy - the road I am on feels foreign and i do not enjoy the company
[ Reply | Options ]OR: Focus on the changes you want to make and see if wife is open to change. Leaving her isn't going to make you happy if you are unhappy for other reasons and will introduce lots of new pain/unhappiness (dcs) and cost (separate households).
[ Reply | Options ]OP, thx for the advice - decisions and change are painful to accept, i am weighing the benefit for the dcs either way, not sure why these people are calling me fake for posting my painful thoughts here - life is not that easy
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I don't think this poster is fake. I mean you do glorify gold-digging. We have entire shows devoted to them Real Housewives of (insert city). Millionaire Matchmaker. I don't think it's so far-fetched that OP just happened to marry a gold-digger. She probably was gold-digger-lite or a gold-digger in training when they met, so he missed the warning signs to stay away from her. But once she got her french manicure nails into him, she was all about the bling. OP needs some therapy to rebuild his self-esteem, Prozac, and one heck of a barracuda divorce attorney.
[ Reply | Options ]whoa there, i disagree. he married a shallow "hot" woman and we all know how well those characteristics wear. Now he wants something deeper and more meaningful but she's not capable of giving it. Buddy, you made your bed when you were young and horny. Doubt very much she's going to change and really you can't expect it.
[ Reply | Options ]Oh. Missed that part about the "hot wife". Okay, OP does have 50% culpability. But if either of them can't change either on their own or with the help of a marriage counselor, he will either live with the status quo or get out and try to find a more meaningful relationship. But I suspect, he will again fall for the hot twenty-year old who is about as deep as a puddle.
[ Reply | Options ]when i was younger i'd see these guys who didn't seem too bad marrying godawful shallow, conventionally 'hot' women and wonder how things would turn out. the guys just seemed like such fools, but then again you couldn't blame the women for being all that they were trained to be. makes you feel bad for humanity. but then i'm the poster below who married a gay man.
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you are all really mislead by this guy. I am telling you, he is my DH. We have over 10k in rent, child care, groceries etc every month, his contribution....1600.00!!!!! so yes, i do want him to step it up and contribute more money....i never received a tennis bracelet for xmas...he is making himself look so positive and looking for sympathy, meanwhile, all i ask for his more help to support the family and he could do that
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I can't believe all this BS. I am married to a WS guy. I had no idea before we moved in how much $$ he made. Loved him before. He is an exception on WS. Truly. Home almost every night by 5:15. Includes me in everything. He asked what I wanted for my 40th BDAy. I said some quality time for just you and me. no kids. He took care of it. He is good looking and his friends have called me hot. We get on eachothers nerves and annoy eachother and even argue sometimes, usually about kid stuff. But I would be poor and live in a shoebox apt...(I was when I grew up) rather than be without him. BTW, we moved out of Manhattan..can't stand the non-family oriented element. Don't be a bad example to youre kids and mess them up. Get out Dope
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Maybe the problem is not the jewelery darlin - maybe that is just what she is saying. Maybe your inability to deliver is not so much financial but in other ways as well - ways that might be too hurtful to even mention. Maybe she has put up with you and is channeling all her issues into money...and maybe you should not be on this board venting - but talking to your wife..who you know is on this board as well. Thanks darling....
[ Reply | Options ]i knew a couple like this. the woman didn't know how else to express herself except through material means. when she pushed him for a bigger diamond it was her way of saying she wanted to make the marriage work when they were at a crossroads.
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OP, well she should tell me instead of dancing around about money, besides she is out of town for conference this week and I took the day off to think about things and talk to my lawyer. meeting legal eagle at 1:30. thought I would see what the view was on here
[ Reply | Options ]yea right...nice way to try to throw me off. you know very well i am in town at work! Why don't you get off UB and try to make some money so you can help with the household bills and bills for kids. Stop trying to make me out to be the bad guy!
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yep, i am here as I have posted above, pretty sad that he comes here...do your husbands? I am at work by the way...not a SAHM like i told him I wanted to be. But since our family does need to survive, i continue to work and make the majority of the money. He does not help to support his family.
[ Reply | Options ]Op-maybe I just need to come out and tell you - I have had emotional affairs and physical affairs with countless women and expect you to put up with it, b/c my mom who had no self esteem did. and maybe you should not desire a better life in any way - monetary or otherwise - b/c I am a loser with low self esteem
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UrbanBaby Asks...
If a woman can afford to stay home with her kids, should she?
- No, she should continue to work. It's good for her to keep up her career and economic independence.
- She should do whatever she wants to do, and not be judged for her decision.
- Yes, she should. Why have kids if you're going to have someone else raise them?
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