Updated April 28
It's the Tuesday after the NFL Draft, and you know what that means: report cards.
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| The Red Sox have made their 2-6 start a distant memory. (Getty Images) |
Bleacher Report: Power Rankings
No, we are morally bound to slap a letter-based assessment on everyone and everything that crossed our path during draft weekend -- like the B-plus boisenraspberry smoothie that dribbled down my chin during the draft's first eight minutes, the D-minus swine-flu hysteria that has the hypochondria lobby hoarding a doomsday supply of surgical masks, or the thanks-for-trying C earned by the xXx: State of the Fast & Furious Union
I'm awarding the first few weeks of the 2009 baseball season an A-minus -- much more impressive when you consider that this mark includes the soggy-pants Nationals, for whom we need to invent a letter grade lower than Z-octuple-minus.
Of course, that grade comes with the caveat, to be repeated every week until mid-June, that it's premature to send out early-semester warning notices.
Alas, we need something, anything to tide us over until Ghosts of Girlfriends Past arrives in theaters Friday, bathing us in its heavenly rom-com froth. Hey, you do what you gotta do to get by.
The latest Power Rankings:
| Power Rankings | ||||||||||
| Current | Team | Previous | ||||||||
 | 1 | Red Sox · Trends | 5 | |||||||
| That whole "they won't hit enough and Kevin Youkilis' 2008 power numbers were a fluke" thing? Not my finest moment. ... What they have that most contenders lack -- hell, that most corporations, universities and governments lack -- is depth. If somebody goes down, the Red Sox don't pull out their hair and shake their fist at the heavens above (well, the team itself doesn't, anyway). They simply plug in the next guy on the depth chart and go about the tedious business of winning regular-season games at a 60-percent clip. ... As for the great David Ortiz, last seen waving at a Damaso Marte happy pitch that his 2007 self would've sent into orbit, he says that he's not hurt. Here's the thing: I no longer trust any athlete who claims, with fists clenched righteously, "I'm not hurt" (nor, for that matter, "I've never ever ever never ever used steroids" or "dude, that kid ain't mine"). We've been burned before. Can you blame me? | ||||||||||
 | 2 | Dodgers · Trends | 1 | |||||||
| Their next game against a team that might rationally expect to contend comes on May 12, when they venture east to face Philadelphia. Until then, they get to fatten up against division patsies and the gigglepuss Nats. ... I'd be all up in Clayton Kershaw's bid-ness about his regression in throwing strikes, but the kid's got unholy stuff and he's only 21. You watch, the light bulb will go on before too long. | ||||||||||
 | 3 | Cardinals · Trends | 6 | |||||||
| I'm not saying that dummyhead skippers like Ron Washington haven't been introduced to their players, but few managers know their guys like Tony La Russa does, if that makes any sense. Take Joel Pineiro, whose gaudy 4-0 record masks the fact that he couldn't throw a fastball past an elf -- La Russa knows enough to use his best defensive alignment during Pineiro's starts and yank him out of the game at the first sign of trouble. ... Somebody tell Rick Ankiel that the ironic-mustache thing only works for skinny-pants hipsters and the Weezer singer. ... Albert Pujols is our benign baseball overlord, but let's give some minor props to the guys who keep getting on base in front of him, too. | ||||||||||
 | 4 | Blue Jays · Trends | 4 | |||||||
| According to my Google Trends report, there has been a sharp spike in the ascription of mythical, extrasensory winning qualities to Cito Gaston since the Jays started kicking tush. ... How many pitchers do the Jays currently have on the DL? 14? 22? ... They haven't lost a series or back-to-back games this season. | ||||||||||
 | 5 | Mariners · Trends | 8 | |||||||
| This ranking feels way inflated, but I don't know who else to slot in front of them. The pitching-and-defense thing is working out nicely for them and the hitting has been happily and surprisingly average. ... Kudos to the Mariners for being the first of eight teams to figure out how to use Russell Branyan. You play him against righties and you sit him against lefties. Baseball is not all that difficult a game. | ||||||||||
 | 6 | Phillies · Trends | 13 | |||||||
| Mets/Phillies, one of several to-the-death rivalries that exists only in the minds of fans of the two teams, fires up once anew on Friday. ... My new favorite player name: Antonio Bastardo, a lefty prospect currently toiling in Double-A. It's too bad Philly isn't a tabloid town, as "Magnificent Bastardo!" is a headline begging to be written after the kid's first big-boy moment in the majors. ... Raul Ibanez sure seems to be taking well to his new league, even if he's totally planning an awesome sleepover with his AL friends during interleague play next month. | ||||||||||
 | 7 | Tigers · Trends | 9 | |||||||
| I'll be honest: I don't have the slightest idea which of the five flawed AL Central teams will eventually edge out the other four. Until I do, the set ranking position for the AL Central front-runner will be number 7. ... Congrats to Magglio Ordonez, and by extension to my mixed-league roto team, on the occasion of his first extra-base hit of the season ... Perhaps I was wrong about Edwin Jackson. Maybe he's a pitcher and not a belly-itcher. | ||||||||||
 | 8 | White Sox · Trends | 7 | |||||||
| For all the yammering about wanting to diversify their attack, the Sox remain a smash-ball-far offensive unit. This is not a bad thing, as hitting the ball out of the park tends to be a favorable outcome. ... Sorry, Getz-addled ChiSox fans, but you're not going to see Gordon "El Gordito" Beckham this season. Don't worry, he will be worth the wait. ... Gotta love Tuesday night's John Danks/Felix Hernandez matchup. | ||||||||||
 | 9 | Royals · Trends | 16 | |||||||
| I root for them in much the same manner I root for 74-year-old marathoners. The effort is noble, even if the eventual result might not be. ... It is borderline irresponsible to miss a Zack Greinke start nowadays. Any Greg Maddux comparison is a silly one, but that's the most apt analogy I can draw. ... The Joakim Soria injury looms as a killer, in that it could force the Royals to use Kyle Farnsworth in situations where the team isn't leading or trailing by at least seven runs. I'm too lazy to crunch the numbers, but I'd venture a guess that Farnsworth has better stats in such low-leverage situations than Mariano Rivera, Sandy Koufax and Christy Mathewson. Truly, he is the Cy Young of blowout wins and losses. | ||||||||||
 | 10 | Cubs · Trends | 2 | |||||||
| I've been overrating them, I think. Yeah, the mini-injuries to the likes of Aramis Ramirez, Milton Bradley and Carlos Marmol have something to do with their recent lethargy, but Derrek Lee looks cooked and Geovany Soto looks hurt and/or distracted. ... Lou Piniella is giving me a headache with all the batting-order do-si-dos, especially Monday's practical-joke alignment that had Reed Johnson in the cleanup slot. Maybe he's trying to confuse Alfonso Soriano into wanting to hit somewhere other than leadoff? | ||||||||||
 | 11 | Yankees · Trends | 10 | |||||||
| Run! Hoard canned goods! Enter into legally binding suicide pacts with your loved ones! The end of days is upon us, a mere three weeks into the season! ... I don't own a radar gun and I don't trust the inflated readings flashed on stadium and TV screens, but it sure looks like Joba Chamberlain isn't throwing anywhere near as hard as he did last season. ... It turns out that there is a slight difference between the baseball abilities of Alex Rodriguez and those of Cody Ransom and Angel Berroa. Who knew? ... Bullpens are fixable; injury-prone regulars on the wrong side of 30 are generally not. If I were a Yankees fan (cough! wheeze! aah-choo!), that would be what concerns me most. | ||||||||||
 | 12 | Marlins · Trends | 3 | |||||||
| Timmmm-berrrrrrr! ... See, this is what happens when you make overarching conclusions about a team that spent the first two weeks ritualistically abusing the weak-sister Nationals. ... From the nyah-nyah-told-you-so-even-a-blind-squirrel-occasionally-finds-a-nut file: opening-week sensation Emilio Bonifacio has put up a .109/.163/.109 line with 16 strikeouts in his past 11 games. ... Fredi Gonzalez: "I have faith in Matt Lindstrom." Everybody else who has seen Lindstrom pitch this season: "I don't." | ||||||||||
 | 13 | Braves · Trends | 14 | |||||||
| An awful lot hasn't gone well for the Braves so far -- Chipper Jones' usual potpourri of aches and bruises, Brian McCann's hysterical blindness, the inept corner-outfield offense -- and still they're bopping along around .500. That's a good sign. ... Opposing hitters apparently didn't get the memo that newly imported Japanese hurlers like Kenshin Kawakami are supposed to be unhittable their first time around the league. He has brought shame and dishonor upon his family. | ||||||||||
 | 14 | Reds · Trends | 20 | |||||||
| Things got a little chippy between the Reds and Braves over the weekend. Brushbacks, ejections, you-think-you're-hot-but-you're-totally-not repartee, etc. It says a lot about how soft the game has become that we take notice of such macho posturing. Back in the day, such hostilities erupted multiple times per week. ... Not that being able to whiff minor league hitters means a whole lot, but Homer Bailey did notch a 15-strikeout game on Sunday. ... Dusty Baker's daily postgame rationalizations of Edwin Encarnacion's play (.127/.286/.190, Swiss-cheese defense at third) keep getting less and less plausible. Someday soon, he'll just admit the obvious and retort, "Have you looked at our depth chart?" | ||||||||||
 | 15 | Twins · Trends | 17 | |||||||
| Yay! Joe Mauer! Wheee! ... Ron Gardenhire on Scott Baker, taken slightly out of context: "He needs to unstink." ... The unwalkable Carlos Gomez is as suited to leadoff duty as a platypus is to data entry. | ||||||||||
 | 16 | Mets · Trends | 11 | |||||||
| With apologies to the hil-Larry-ous Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a low-functioning organization when ... the highlight of your week is hosting an Ugly Betty film crew. ... When replacing a wayward member of your starting rotation with Tim Redding is perceived as an upgrade. ... When an opponent's best offensive strategy is hitting the ball straight at your motion-impaired left fielder. ... When your stadium security mutts confiscate every fan-brought sign, even the "K" cards. ... Meanwhile, a quick memo to Carlos Beltran: Slide! OK? | ||||||||||
 | 17 | Rays · Trends | 12 | |||||||
| While only dumbasses and talk-radio muckrakers buy into the importance of a single series in early May, it'd sure be nice for the Rays to show a little something against Boston this weekend. ... It remains amazing to me that the Yankees and Red Sox, two organizations that generally have some vague idea what they're doing, pronounced Carlos Pena finished a few seasons ago. ... I know Rays fans have been shrieking about the pitching, especially in light of the staff's generosity in issuing free passes to first base, but it ain't like David Price is lighting up Triple-A (1-2, 3.71 ERA, eight walks and 20 K's in 17 innings over four starts). | ||||||||||
 | 18 | Rangers · Trends | 19 | |||||||
| In what alternate reality is a 4-3 road trip to Toronto and Baltimore something to build upon? Come on. ... Actual sentence from a Fort Worth Star-Telegram story about Scott Feldman's Saturday outing against the Orioles: "His first start of 2009 was one of the best by a Rangers pitcher so far -- five innings, one run and four hits at Camden Yards." Yessir, we've set the bar quite high for the Rangers' pitching staff. | ||||||||||
 | 19 | Padres · Trends | 15 | |||||||
| Once more, with feeling: The standings can say whatever they want, but this remains a talent-deficient franchise. Do even the most resolute Padre homers believe their team would beat any of the ones ranked above them more than four times out of 10? Be honest. ... Sign number 37,463 that something ain't right with Jake Peavy: He allowed five runs in five innings to a Pirates lineup that didn't include Ryan Doumit, Freddy Sanchez or Nate McLouth. Also, he's walking a bunch of dudes. ... Shawn Hill? On the disabled list? That has to be a typo. ... Nice work by the Chris Young/Nick Hundley battery holding the Rockies to a mere eight stolen bases in three innings Monday night. | ||||||||||
 | 20 | Giants · Trends | 27 | |||||||
| Some of my verbatim notes from Wednesday's San Francisco-San Diego game, won 1-0 by the Giants in 10 innings. "Please, God, let somebody hit the ball out of the infield." ... "The hitters are making Barry Zito look like a major league pitcher and Chris Young look like the love child of Pedro Martinez and Bob Gibson." ... "We should punish naughty children by making them watch NL West games." ... To be fair, the Giants can pitch. That alone elevates them above the NL West fray. | ||||||||||
 | 21 | Brewers · Trends | 22 | |||||||
| Milwaukee Brewers: Mike Cameron's running forearm shiver, which knocked Humberto Quintero into next week, would likely have been deemed excessive in MMA. ... Someday, Manny Parra might choose to throw a pitch other than his fastball. And on that day, the cherubs shall sing and the tree nymphs shall dance. ... They have four more games against the Pirates, who they've beaten something like 39 straight times, in the next week. | ||||||||||
 | 22 | Pirates · Trends | 21 | |||||||
| Pirates fans: I appreciate the fact that your team is trying reeeeally, reeeally hard and that the early returns on 2009 have been promising. I am happy that you are happy. But you're just setting yourselves up for heartbreak over the next five months. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know deep down. ... The Pittsburgh staff includes Tyler Yates, Jeff Karstens and Donnie Veal and, as of Monday at 5:23 p.m. ET, it led the majors in ERA. There is no statistic on the planet that screams COURSE CORRECTION UPCOMING as much as this one does. ... Now that beloved character guy Jack Wilson is down with a finger ouchie, don't expect the Pirates to use napkins or help little old ladies across the street until he returns. | ||||||||||
 | 23 | Orioles · Trends | 25 | |||||||
| Adam Jones is hittin' and occasionally walkin'. Ssssshhhh. ... Given that their starting rotation is the baseball equivalent of an open sore, the O's are one of the few teams in baseball history that could make an intelligent case for carrying 13 pitchers. | ||||||||||
 | 24 | Athletics · Trends | 24 | |||||||
| Why is Eric Chavez still employed as a professional baseball player? He doesn't hit anymore and he can't remain upright. Last I heard, he "might" be able to make the third-to-first throw before the week is out, assuming his elbow of death responds to ice, ibuprofen or whatever home remedy he can concoct from goat innards and a spool of surgical thread. ... Getting the ball in the air against A's relief magician Brad Ziegler -- it's too limiting to call him a closer -- is like attempting to juggle watermelons underwater: the end result can only be measured in degrees of "nice try." | ||||||||||
 | 25 | Angels · Trends | 23 | |||||||
| The hitters can't get on base, the pitchers aren't healthy yet, blah blah blah. ... I don't know where else to put this, so I'll cram it in here: Lost Son of Havana, a film that documents Luis Tiant's return to Cuba after 46 years in exile, is both heart-breaking and life-affirming. ... Yes, Angels fans, I just implied that your team was so uninteresting last week that I included a random plug instead of relevant information. Man, we Northeast-based writers can't stand you gas-guzzling left-coasters and your past-our-bedtime franchises. | ||||||||||
 | 26 | Indians · Trends | 18 | |||||||
| I don't know how a team with this much offensive talent can continually fall into lulls where they score 12 runs in six games. ... Along those lines, "without mercy" doesn't begin to describe the way Matt LaPorta is treating Triple-A pitchers. If he can learn to play first base or an outfield corner even half-competently, he'll be a monster. | ||||||||||
 | 27 | Astros · Trends | 28 | |||||||
| We've nudged them up another spot this week, on the strength of Wandy Rodriguez's gilded wing and Hunter Pence's thunderstick. ... Alas, Cecil Cooper's creative batting-order compilations (sure, bury Pence behind Kaz Matsui, Michael Bourn and Miguel Tejada) and the human effluvia that occupy roster spots 12 through 25 keep them moored in the bottom five. Sorry. | ||||||||||
 | 28 | Diamondbacks · Trends | 26 | |||||||
| Stephen Drew is down, Justin Upton is a whiny baby, Brandon Webb will miss at least six more weeks, and now the team goes on the road for much of the month of May. ... They don't hit with runners in scoring position and they don't hit with the bases empty. ... If I were asked to give advice to the D-Backs, my terse response would be this: Punt. | ||||||||||
 | 29 | Rockies · Trends | 29 | |||||||
| Ooh, that Dexter Fowler fellow is positively dashing, as witnessed by Monday night's stolen-base orgy. Much more impressively, he's getting on base at a .393 clip. ... I think we might have to start considering the possibility, however unsettling it might be, that Troy Tulowitzki isn't, you know, good. Get some grief counselors on standby, will you? | ||||||||||
 | 30 | Nationals · Trends | 30 | |||||||
| All this negativity is making me sad, so let's end this week's rankings with a glass-half-full volley about the Nationals. ... They've played in and completed 18 games in 2009, tied for third most in their division. ... They lead the majors in players whose surname starts with 'Z'. ... They left a mere 21 men on base on Monday night. ... They haven't made multiple errors in a game since Saturday. ... They've only misspelled "Nationals" on Adam Dunn's uniform once this season. ... Nick Johnson hasn't yet slammed his hand in a car door or gored himself while gardening. ... See? Optimism is infectious! | ||||||||||
