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[+] how is it having two children? i am two weeks away from my due date with my second? d... 4 replies
- Yes! Marriage adjustments are a given. I have now three kids but the step from no. 1 to no. 2 was huge....
Talk : : November 15, 2008
how is it having two children? i am two weeks away from my due date with my second? did your marriage need adjusting again?
4 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.15.08, 07:17 PM [ Flagged ]Yes! Marriage adjustments are a given. I have now three kids but the step from no. 1 to no. 2 was huge.
[ Reply | Options ]11.15.08, 07:18 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]wow! in what way?
[ Reply | Options ]11.15.08, 07:19 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]It just felt kind of overwhelming to be dealing with two children with so different needs (toddler & baby) and DH's attitude. DH occasionally took care of DC No. 1 and thought he was "giving me a break". He also considered my maternity leave a "vacation", asking me all the time "what are you going to do today" when I was home with a young toddler and a baby. I was really resentful. Much better now with no. 3...
[ Reply | Options ]11.15.08, 07:25 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
Yes. We were expecting the exhaustion -- but I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like to feel that way and have another DC to also care for.
[ Reply | Options ]11.15.08, 07:58 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
[+] I'm bored, depressed. I realize I married someone who doens't have the same ideas abo... 5 replies
Talk : : November 14, 2008
I'm bored, depressed. I realize I married someone who doens't have the same ideas about everyday life as I do. How important is sex to a marriage?
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.14.08, 07:57 AM [ Flag ]-
I need to change
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 08:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
dependson the marriage.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 08:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]fucking not really, but intimacy is essential
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 08:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you know that phrase, "intimate strangers"? I realize I know so very little about him and, what's more, it doesn't interest me.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 08:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
-
[+] Does anyone have advice for finding a marriage counselor in NYC? 2 replies
Talk : : November 14, 2008
Does anyone have advice for finding a marriage counselor in NYC?
2 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.14.08, 07:26 AM [ Flag ]Cehckout the Ackerman Institute. They have a website and I believe have sliding scale fees. Well regarded. Never used them myself
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 07:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thank you! i will check it out.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 07:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Just calculated all our expenses to date this year and dh spent 4x more than me on in... 35 replies
- he looks at the budget. I used the savings I had before marriage to pay off his school loans, I paid for my own engagement...
- That's what I wanted to do from the beg of marriage but he threw a fit saying I am not acting as a...some money in your own separate savings account b/c this marriage is not going to last. He is an insensitive mooch....
- "I used the savings I had before marriage to pay off his school loans, I paid for my own...
Talk : : November 13, 2008
Just calculated all our expenses to date this year and dh spent 4x more than me on individual expenses like food, clothes, etc. not including our joint family expenses, like eating out as a family, he spent appx $2K a month on his own stuff, whereas I spent $500. I am doing everything I can to cut down on expenses, and he just spends what he wants to spend. Did I mention that I make 50K more than he does too? I am so furious. How do I control his expenses when he is in denial?
35 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.13.08, 08:16 PM [ Flagged ]start to keep separate finances.chip in for the rent, etc. too bad if he cries.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 08:44 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Therapy. Keep everything separate.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 08:46 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]That's what I wanted to do from the beg of marriage but he threw a fit saying I am not acting as a family, so I bedgrudgingly started a joint account, but I just changed my direct deposit into my individual account. He is still peeved that I didn't put all my pre-marriage individual savings into our joint. I am so flabbergasted at the audacity of that argument I have no tears left in my eyes. I am trying to stay together for the sake of the kid though...
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 10:13 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I think this is excellent advice. I know therapy is expensive..look around.. see what you can find. I would also just worry about getting therapy for me. He doesn't sound as though he wants to change the arrangement much (except to get into your pre-marital savings. Stop fighting him and find your way.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 11:40 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]"I just changed my direct deposit into my individual account.." CONGRATULATIONS!!! Let us know what kind of fit he throws when he finds out. but, congratulation all the same! Excellent move!
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 11:57 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
How long have you been married?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 08:53 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]We have been married about 3 yrs now. Why is that important - just curious from what angle you are asking the question.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 10:11 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Because he probably won't change. Think about how you'll feel in 10,20..30 years
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 11:37 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
You can't control another adult, so don't waste your time trying
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 04:54 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Possibly this. Or both agree on a set amount per month to spend. But you'll never get him down to $500.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 05:59 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
write it down and show him first. Is he even aware?
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 06:02 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I created an excel spreadsheet. He refuses to look at it, saying he knows my numbers are wrong.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 10:18 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
he can't deny if it's in front of him
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 06:03 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]give yourselves each an allowance of $800-1000/month and maybe he will stick to it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 06:04 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I did the budget. I gave him a generous budget of 1,200 a month on his individual stuff, and he threw a fit saying I can't dictate how to live his life and whether or not he can go out with his friends. He also claimed my numbers are wrong but has absolutely refused to run the calculations himself or even look at my spreadsheet. Last night I asked if he could look at it and he yelled at me saying I can't dictate when he looks at the budget. I used the savings I had before marriage to pay off his school loans, I paid for my own engagement ring, I, with some help from my parents, put down 90% of the mortgage (he contributing 10% bc he and his parents don't have any money apparently), my parents paid for our wedding 100% plus hotel costs for his parents. I feel so wronged it's so difficult to breath. I have so much work to do in the office and I literally can't breath.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 10:10 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]np: oof. you had some warning signs coming into this marriage.... You guys need to come to some agreement soon.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 10:23 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]You need to stop paying for him and start putting some money in your own separate savings account b/c this marriage is not going to last. He is an insensitive mooch.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 10:47 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]"I used the savings I had before marriage to pay off his school loans, I paid for my own engagement ring, I, with some help from my parents, put down 90% of the mortgage (he contributing 10% bc he and his parents don't have any money apparently), my parents paid for our wedding 100% plus hotel costs " Look at what you're saying. Think about it. Then start to take steps to save your financial life
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 11:43 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
1. it is late in the year to be realizing he is off budget. 2. set your budget for next year now. 3. separate accounts. make him ask for a loan from you when he runs out. i suggest LIBOR + 700 based on his credit risk.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 06:24 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]you sound serious!
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 06:29 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]oh - i am. I just told DH he can't use paper towels anymore because he wastes them. I gave up my $1.50 daily coffee cart coffee. Times are lean!
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 06:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I like this reply. Will you be my life coach?
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 05:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
He's in denial? He can't see what is going on? Can you come up with a straw goal. Say, saving up for a really huge vacation in Australia or something?
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 06:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]If you've confronted him more than a couple of times about this and he hasn't changed realize that YOU are helping him to continue. If this is deeply distressing you then you need to think about what YOU need to do so you aren't angry anymore. Ideas?
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 08:01 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]no reply? tell me what ideas you have.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 08:35 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I honestly don't know what I can do so that I am not angry any more. I don't feel like we have the time or money for therapy. He probably would not go anyway. It's not simply that he comes up with excuses to justify his expenses, although he certainly does that. He turns it around and says he is sick and tired of hearing me lecture him all the time and dictating how to live his life.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 10:17 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]you're very honest. I can see that you will find the truth. The difficult part is taking action so that you are not hurt anymore. How can you do this?... besides divorcing him, which you might not want to do at this point. What can you do this week that will help you? I understand your anger better than you might imagine.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 11:34 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Whoever you are, that's a very thoughtful response. You are correct I don't want to divorce him at this point. I want him to change. I am actually sitting at my desk in the office crying because I don't think he will change and I don't want to get divorced, which means I just have to swallow my pain. As far as this weekend, I am not sure there is anything. I am meeting up w/ a friend. I can vent to her but unless he changes, the resentment won't go away.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 11:56 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]No, Honey.. he won't change but you're already changing. See above. You said you started putting your salary into your own account. That's great! It may not be the relationship you want but you don't have to suffer financially if you take some steps to protect your income.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 12:00 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Are a therapist?
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 01:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]No, I'm an RN (specialty:pediatrics)
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 04:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sorry for calling you "Honey". You just sounded so sad. forget about the problem for the weekend. take it easy.. you can think about it again next week.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 05:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
keep separate accounts for own stuff, and one joint account for bills, household expenses, and a % of each spouse salary for savings
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 11:38 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]^^don't re-hash what's done. just set up a new system going forward.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 11:40 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]how hard is it to suggest separate finances after you've been married for a while? Has anyone here done it?
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 05:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I will ask this question in a different way and see what I get. Have you ever had an... 4 replies
- (I don't need them). I was wondering if yoga or something else really mellows you out (I guess pot works, too, but that's not my thing). He is just really difficult sometimes and, if I am going to make this marriage work, I have to let things roll off my back better....
Talk : : November 13, 2008
I will ask this question in a different way and see what I get. Have you ever had anger/over-emotional issues? Have you improved in any way? What did you do to improve? I am way too emotional to my husband's dick-ish moments. I need to learn to chill. What works for you?
4 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.13.08, 06:30 PM [ Flag ]Are you the cool and unflappable poster?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 06:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes. I got one good answer. I don'
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 06:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]don't want to take meds or anything (I don't need them). I was wondering if yoga or something else really mellows you out (I guess pot works, too, but that's not my thing). He is just really difficult sometimes and, if I am going to make this marriage work, I have to let things roll off my back better.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 06:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Stop drinking caffeinated beverages, get enough sleep and exercise. Count to ten before you blow up and say or do something you regret. If it's more serious than that, figure out anger management issues. You don't want to set an example of how to behave in front of your kids. I have the same problem. I do the best I can until I don't.. and end up throwing stuff, cursing, whatever... in front of the kids. It's bad but I am aware and I do try.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 06:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] if a dh wants shared custody (ie. 3 nights a week) and dh and i live in different bor... 24 replies
- i know, and i have been sucking it ou-it would definelty be messy. On the other hand-should i just accept that I will have an unhappy marriage with no laughter, companionship or sex? maybe yes for my kids-i'm trying to figure it out....
Talk : : November 13, 2008
if a dh wants shared custody (ie. 3 nights a week) and dh and i live in different boroughs, what does a jusge do? do they tell us where to live? will they not give shared custody? this is assuming dh and i cannot compromise.
24 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.13.08, 01:26 PM [ Flag ]You guys should suck it up and live closer for the sake of your child. Sorry. Divorce is messy and expensive. How will the whole commute to school thing work? What a drag
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i know, and i have been sucking it ou-it would definelty be messy. On the other hand-should i just accept that I will have an unhappy marriage with no laughter, companionship or sex? maybe yes for my kids-i'm trying to figure it out.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Fine to divorce, just live closer
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]as long as thy can both afford the same area, anyway, as far as I know the courts are not favoring joint physical custody these days, not best interest for the child.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i think i ouwld die if i didnt at least get half custody. how does a jusge decide if the kids a re little and both are good parents?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]in this case I don't know, you both work. In my case I'm a SAHM, so I make no money and I'm with dd all the time, my husband barely see dd when he gets home, too busy with his phone and emails.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 02:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Do you have a lawyer?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]no. i'm in the information gathering stage. Does each side pay for their attny? How much could it cost for a couple who will agree on nothing?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Are you a SAHM?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]no, both dh an I woh
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^but he make more then me. although he doesnt have a straight W-2 so he switches money's and claims losses,so there is never a direct answer for how much he earns.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]who takes care of the kids mostly?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]we both do. our parenting is very shared.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: i should have said the nanny-said but true. dh and I both work.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]then, I guess you'll have to pay for an attny. Where do you live?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 02:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]bklyn
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 02:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I heard about a couple where instead of making the kids switch houses and turn their lives inside out every couple of days, the parents did. The kids stayed with the house and the parents stayed there on the nights they had custody. Seemed an incredibly grown up solution.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np. like you said grown up, not the case of my husband!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]and what happen when one of them gets married? that's messed up for me.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: i wonder if i dovorced, if I ever would remarry?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]maybe not remarry, but have someone to live with you at some point. You live in NYC?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Granted there are all kinds of "what ifs..." but at least for the first few years, while the kids get older, it makes life a lot easier for them. I'd like to think that if dw and I split, we'd be this mature. (I would also worry about her eating all my left overs.) -or
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 02:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: i would consider that option, but we would have to agree on a location (we dont agree on where to live, what school they should go to, etc...)
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 02:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]people are so immature when it comes to divorce you would be surprised.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 02:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Why should gay marriage be legalized? 11 replies
- don't care you marries who. It doesn't belittle my hetero marriage if two men or women want to get married. Divorce rate is...
- For all the same reasons any marriages are....
- There's no reason why civil marriage should be defined as the union of a man and a woman. There was a time when marriage between a black person and a white person was prohibited and...
Talk : : November 13, 2008
Why should gay marriage be legalized?
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.13.08, 11:28 AM [ Flag ]What does it concern you for? I don't care you marries who. It doesn't belittle my hetero marriage if two men or women want to get married. Divorce rate is 50/50 so who says that heteros have it down anyway!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]For all the same reasons any marriages are.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]why should it be prohibited? gay epole exist, they form longterm relationships jsut liek straight people, why not allow these legal recognition adn rights?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]So they have the same rights and protections under the law as any committed hetero couple.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]For the same reason we integrated our schools and decided women should be allowed to vote. People at the time voiced all sorts of real good reasons those things weren't "necessary" either.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]they should have to suffer like the rest of us
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]badabump!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I love you:)
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
14th Amendment. Equal protection under the law.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Because it's a civil liberty. Remember those? It's been a REALLY long 8 years...
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]There's no reason why civil marriage should be defined as the union of a man and a woman. There was a time when marriage between a black person and a white person was prohibited and there was no reason for that either.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] If a friend of yours was heading for a bad marriage, would you tell her what you thou... 7 replies
Talk : : November 13, 2008
If a friend of yours was heading for a bad marriage, would you tell her what you thought of her choice?
7 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.13.08, 11:17 AM [ Flag ]NO. never volunteer this. if she asks you , maybe you can air some of your concerns, but bottomline she is most likely going to marry the guy anyway and be mad at you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I know. What is WRONG with some people??? She comes to me to complain about him, then completely avoids me. It's like I represent the bad for her.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]if she feels safe complaining about him, then you are quite likly the person she wil turn to when it all goes to hell, if she isn't too embarassed.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 12:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]hm - good point! FWIW he cheated on her with a hooker.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 12:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]we belienve you that he sucks! you just can't do anything about it (excetp give her a box of condoms)
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
This is happening to one of my friends right now. I'm not going to say a word, I hope I'm wrong and will be there for her if it ends up the way I think it will.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I just went to a wedding where the entire place was betting on how long it would last. Trust me the bride knows there are problems. Her mistake to make. If I said something it would only alienate her more.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Talk me down: Dh had a long-term affair with a married (but younger and childless) wo... 29 replies
- Yeah, but what good does it do for OP to blame the other woman? If the point is that she is trying to work out her marriage, she needs to focus on what she can work with...
- society we are so quick to blame someone else, instead of looking at our role in the situation. I don't think you can truly fix a marriage unless you're willing to see your role in the dissolution....
Talk : : November 13, 2008
Talk me down: Dh had a long-term affair with a married (but younger and childless) woman. We are in counseling and trying to work things out. I know this woman's name, but not what she looks like. Just discovered that she now has a very public job, two blocks from my apartment. I walk by the place everyday and now I have to keep from poking my head in. Kills me that people I know, friends, relatives may interact with her and not realize that she nearly destroyed my family (realizing dh is 50+% to blame). AAAGGGHHH!
29 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.13.08, 09:48 AM [ Flagged ]So sorry. Have you brought this up in counseling?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:49 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Yes. I was told better to not see her and not have an image in my head.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:51 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Too late for that. Can the counselor help you deal with it?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:52 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
That is very horrible. So sorry that you're dealing with this. I would want to move away actually. Have you thought about that?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:50 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Can't move. Two dcs in school.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:51 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Ugh. My heart goes out to you. How is counseling going? Do you have your own separate therapist in addition? If I were in your situation, I would probably need my own personal space like that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:52 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I am starting with one now. It is going ok. Not sure how long we will last. I want to make it work, but it has been over one year and it still feels fresh.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:53 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I have to really commend you. Not many of us would have the guts to do what you're trying to do. It's very admirable. I hope you realize that you're a very special person for the way you're handling this.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:55 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Thank you. Not sure if I have guts or I am too cowardly to leave.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:58 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
I moved a lot when I was a kid, a couple times mid-year. Just saying.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:53 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
How long is long-term?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:50 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]8 months
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:51 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Good question.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
how can you call him Dear Husband ?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:52 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]not OP, but why assume here that "d" stands for "dear"? There are other possibilities
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:53 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]lol. richard tete?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:54 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
She didn't nearly destroy your family. Your dh did. I don't understand if it is a defense mechanism, but it always amazes me how wives blame the other woman and not the dh.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:54 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]NO, I said he was more than 1/2 to blame for the affair. She is married too, and she was married less than one year when the affair started. Believe me, I know that dh is primarily to blame.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:57 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Her marital status is irrelevant, though. My point is that I don't think focusing on the OW helps you. Walk on a different block if you must, but try hard to not obsess about this woman and focus on the real issue at hand.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 10:13 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
In a situation like this, there's plenty-o-blame to be shared between the DH and the other woman. (not OP)
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 09:57 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Yeah, but what good does it do for OP to blame the other woman? If the point is that she is trying to work out her marriage, she needs to focus on what she can work with...the other woman isn't going to dissolve into thin air!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 10:18 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I think blaming the other woman is silly unless you know EXACTLY what dh said to her.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 10:18 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]ITA. blame yourself for a change. the ow, had very little to do with it. most likely
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 12:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Agree! No one can "steal" your dh. I don't mean to be cruel, but in this society we are so quick to blame someone else, instead of looking at our role in the situation. I don't think you can truly fix a marriage unless you're willing to see your role in the dissolution.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 12:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I think you have to divorce him! He will go back to her.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 12:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ok, can you tell us about your DH's reaction/action/behaviour in this saga? what's he up to these days? is he super nice to u these days?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 12:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]how did their affair end? it matters. did he end it or did the ow?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 12:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]what's a very public job? she's a crossing guard? she runs a cafe?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 12:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My ex had several affairs. The first was with a woman who also has a public job.(wonder if same person) When I could not get over it, she tried to have my then husband have me declared an "unfit" parent because I was too depressed.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 12:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] POLL: What is your families income & do you consider yourselves "comfortable" living ... 44 replies
- 130k. not comfortable, resentful and wishing I'd made differrent decisions earlier in my marriage...
Talk : : November 13, 2008
POLL: What is your families income & do you consider yourselves "comfortable" living in NYC?
44 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.13.08, 05:35 AM [ Flagged ]225K per year; feel strained, but not hurting. It would be hard if one of us lost our job.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:35 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]OMG, you are me, and I just lost my job. I am sooooo stressed!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
180K; private school tuition is killing us, but otherwise we are ok.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:36 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]same here
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 06:15 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
$130K. Comfortable and fortunate.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:37 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Same here. We bought ten years ago, so we live like relative kings.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 10:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Honey? We bought a two family and that rental income sure makes a huge difference.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 10:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Heh heh. We have a rental but we aren't renting it out now. So many of us here in Brownstone Brooklyn!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 10:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Do you live in the rental too or is it just sitting empty?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]At the risk of outing myself, DH uses it for storage for his business. He WAH and was growing out of his space.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]man, I wish I could do that with the crap in the basement and turn the basement into a workshop!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 12:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
240K; yes. 2 dcs, public school for older one, live within our means. No complaints.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:37 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]OP: Do you think your taxes will go up this year with the (1) Bloomberg repeal of the property exception, (2) Threat of income tax increase or (3) Obama tax plan? If so, are you doing anything to buffer your income?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:40 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]we all will have to chip in somehow. I am okay with that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have no problem paying taxes, now or higher taxes in the future. What I don't like is seeing my tax money being used to bail out corporations from their bone-headed decision-making in the past. The Treasury Dept has gone off the reservation at this point. There is no rhyme or reason to it, and I really fear that the decisions made by Paulson right now are going to have lasting implications for us as a society. Huge sums of money are disappearing into the void.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA!!!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:44 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Too bad our high taxes couldn't be used to bail out schools. My kids teacher said the principal was in all day meetings (yesterday) figuring out what to cut. Poor PS 41!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:44 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Amen.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:45 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I don't know if I have much hope in Obama (I supported him) as his secretary of education short list includes Klein!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:49 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Who would be on your short list?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 06:15 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
Paulson is a f'ing joke. Where the hell is congress and out a stop on this man?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:46 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]ITA. can we jsut fire him now and let obama name someone new?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
My taxes will likely go up, but this is the least of our worries. The income hit that is probably coming will be a lot greater. We are cutting back on spending, and (cue laff trak) I am looking for part-time work.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 10:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^ Observe how I am looking. "Work! Say, work! Come find me!"
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 10:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$120k. if it wasn't for the mountain of debt we would have a great life.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:40 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]75K, we do ok. Not very materialistic.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:40 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]OP: Do you all own or rent? What is your monthly housing expense?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:42 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Rent: $3500.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:43 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Own $4000 (including mon. mant.)
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:43 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Rent. $3k/month
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:46 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Own. $3,100 per month
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:48 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]rent 1900 per month
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 06:19 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Rent: $5,100
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 06:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
130k. not comfortable, resentful and wishing I'd made differrent decisions earlier in my marriage
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 06:18 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]like what? What would you have don differently?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 03:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
What does HHI include? Base pay only or base + bonus?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]$2-$3 million. Yes, we feel "comfortable."
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]with that as annual income, I should hope so ;)
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 03:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]That a pretty big range. Whatever you have over $2 Million, please feel free to send my way.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 03:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$150K, wish we were saving more. haven't started to pay for school, but god help us when we do...
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]$150K and happy. dd is in public school. We live comfortably and have everything we need.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 03:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ranges between 3mm and 4.5mm depending on how work was that year. comfortable but still practical. live on UWS. no country house. no fancy car. just private school and nanny and housekeeper bills. paid off my mortgage earlier this year. feeling guilty answering this question but you asked.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 06:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]mind me asking what you do?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 07:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$600k per year; expensive rental, expensive nanny, financially responsible for aging mother, 2 DC at private; no savings left and feeling the strain.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.08, 06:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] tell me stories about getting through a bad patch in your marriage, going on to have ... 5 replies
- (or more) is an incredible strain on our marriage for many different reasons. Full disclosure: we've been...
- 16 years of marriage here. It is hard! But if you work together...will get through. I think a lot of marriages fail when one partner give up. It takes...as you are both still invested in your marriage!...
- the hardest part in our marriage was when dc#2 was born. now it'...
Talk : : November 13, 2008
tell me stories about getting through a bad patch in your marriage, going on to have another kid and being happy. I'm feeling low.
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.13.08, 04:41 AM [ Flagged ]Marriage is about compromise...There are always lows and highs. You just need to work through your low and focus on a common goal. Things will get better. If anyone ever told you this was easy, they were lying!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:42 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]We got through it. Things are not terrific, but stable and reasonably okay. Having 2 dcs (or more) is an incredible strain on our marriage for many different reasons. Full disclosure: we've been in marriage counseling for over 4 yrs now, with no plans of stopping.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:44 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]16 years of marriage here. It is hard! But if you work together, you will get through. I think a lot of marriages fail when one partner give up. It takes two to tango. Things will get better as long as you are both still invested in your marriage!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 05:47 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]another child won't save your marriage. you have to look at your situation, analyse what's bothering you, realize it's probably not going to change and then find a way to free yourself from anger.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 06:30 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]the hardest part in our marriage was when dc#2 was born. now it's a distant memory. good luck.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 07:03 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
[+] New at being a SAHM and trying to do the bookkeeping for dh's business but he's so ha... 1 reply
- Hmmm, I've never done it so I'm speaking out of my ass, but I have a feeling if you want to keep the marriage relationship strong, you might have to drop the working relationship. At least, that's how it would be with me and my husband!...
Talk : : November 13, 2008
New at being a SAHM and trying to do the bookkeeping for dh's business but he's so hard to work with! Our marriage relationship is great, working relationship is really frustrating. Do you work with your dh? How do you make it work? Any advice?
1 reply [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.13.08, 12:03 AM [ Flagged ]Hmmm, I've never done it so I'm speaking out of my ass, but I have a feeling if you want to keep the marriage relationship strong, you might have to drop the working relationship. At least, that's how it would be with me and my husband!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 01:40 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
[+] I need marital advice. DH and I are fighting non-stop. I feel like he is sort of unmo... 4 replies
- There's a book w/ a lot of sage advice called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Sounds like you have different styles / needs that are pretty typical male / female, and it absolutely can improve, not least by your making "connection" a top priority and realizing that talking doesn't make him...
Talk : : November 12, 2008
I need marital advice. DH and I are fighting non-stop. I feel like he is sort of unmoveable and basically wants everything to be fine all the time, and if it isn't freezes up and just moves on. This, in turn, makes me kind of lose it, which is also bad. Last night we had a 3 hour discussion in which I think we both came away feeling disappointed. Yes, we've done couples counseling...
4 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.12.08, 01:30 PM [ Flag ]what are the key issues you fight over?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 01:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]basically those--that I lose it when we argue and that his way of dealing with conflict is to try to avoid, which also doesn't work since he bottles up and is passive aggressive. I'm so depressed right now.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 01:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]This might sound trite, but try hugs. They are great at helping you feel connected again. You need to stay in the hug till you feel the warm feelings that you had when dating. It's not the overall solution, but it helps you get to a place where you will remember why you want things to move forward positively. Then maybe you can talk more easily. Good luck. I feel for you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 02:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
There's a book w/ a lot of sage advice called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Sounds like you have different styles / needs that are pretty typical male / female, and it absolutely can improve, not least by your making "connection" a top priority and realizing that talking doesn't make him feel more connected the way it does you. What is his Love Language? Does he do small things for you? Bring you little gifts? Enjoy doing things in the same space and time with you (though not necessarily "with" you?) Does he need touch to feel connected? There is a lot you can do to change your perspective, without expecting him to change (though, likely, he will). Also, be ok with getting your need for talking, etc. met through other means than him. Sounds like he is committed, if he's been willing to try counseling. Good luck!
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.08, 11:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] same-sex marriage a-OK in connecticut.
Talk : : November 12, 2008
[+] This morning Dh told my 4 year old DS, "You get ready for school or I am going to sma... 16 replies
- bad marriage. Refuses to talk or go to therapy. I am at my wit's end. I do not want teacher to lecture him, but tell us how she thinks we should deal with Ds's behavioral issues. While I admittedly have a marriage where communication doesn't work. I would think in many communities schools confront issues of parents who adhere to cultures or follow previous generation's belief in spanking, etc. children. My family is not a one-off....
Talk : : November 12, 2008
This morning Dh told my 4 year old DS, "You get ready for school or I am going to smack you." This is not OK by me, but Dh just echoes how his parents treat my kids & treated him. How can I constructively stop this?
16 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.12.08, 08:43 AM [ Flag ]you can't stop another adult from doing anything. you can ask them to stop it, but you have no control whatsoever.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]wow. i would have a major sit down with dh on this. shape of things to come. did DH get spanked/hit as a kid too? maybe some parenting books or a coach would be helpful for him (male coach).
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]talk to him...let him know that threatening w/violence is not constructive. come up with different ways to motivate.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]smack him, and ask him how he likes it
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]spare the rod spoil the child
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]it's ok to smack a dh
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Op: This is the thing. Seeing as Dh comes from a patriarchal family that condones such behavior he is pretty dismissive of what I say. I am thinking of asking DS's teacher to bring up appropriate types of discipline in our parent teacher conf. next wk. when we both go. I hate to put her in the middle but I do feel the school should be telling us what they think is appropriate discipline.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]good idea
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]do not discuss it with teachers. seek professional help with family counselor
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Op: That won't fly with DH
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]does he actually hit ds or verbally threatens? either way he needs to learn self-control. can you discuss it with a friend of his? maybe a friend or family member could help
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Hit once. Understood it wasn't right. Just verbally threatens, using the same jargon his father does.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
sure and in a few years the police will be at your house telling you what they think is appropriate discipline too
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You need to rethink this. You don't have the courage of your convictions so you want to put the school in that role. No way, not fair and not appropriate. You two have a lifetime of parenting to do. You need to figure out how to do it together. (Plus the obvious, imagine if the teacher says, "Mr Jones, Mrs Jones thinks we need to discuss this." How's that gonna go over? Or what if he gets defensive and asks you to take his side at the meeting. Are you going to then stand up to him in public?)
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: DH & I have bad marriage. Refuses to talk or go to therapy. I am at my wit's end. I do not want teacher to lecture him, but tell us how she thinks we should deal with Ds's behavioral issues. While I admittedly have a marriage where communication doesn't work. I would think in many communities schools confront issues of parents who adhere to cultures or follow previous generation's belief in spanking, etc. children. My family is not a one-off.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
In all seriousness, is spanking your child illegal? At one point does hitting a child become illegal?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 09:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] vent: my relationship with my nanny is rather strained right now (she wants more mone... 6 replies
Talk : : November 11, 2008
vent: my relationship with my nanny is rather strained right now (she wants more money, adn also claims that 3 months ago i failed to pay her for 3 weeks! (which seems highly unlikely to me, I am not forgetful). i feel like a marriage that has hit a bad patch
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.11.08, 01:37 PM [ Flag ]How do you pay her...wouldn't you have a record of it?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 02:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]no, because i pay her cash
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 02:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]You don't give her or have her sign a reciept?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 02:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you need to pay her at the end of every week. i don't know how you have it set up that this can be disputed.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 02:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA, I pay every week and I am sure the nanny would remind me right away if I forgot, not 3 months later
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 02:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Shouldn't you at least have a record of having made the withdrawals? Presumably you don't walk around with 1000s in cash generally.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 02:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
-
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and i'm not in real life but i play one on tv
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]well, I think you provide a really good service. I am so grateful for my therapist. Do you ever get bored? I feel like my therapist must be so bored listening to my problems week after week, but never shows it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not exactly bored, but sometimes I get annoyed when people can't cope with silly problems.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]what would you term a silly problem?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Feeling insecure about where dc's go to school. (when it was a fine school)
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you're right. That is silly.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
So why are you on UB? out of work?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Someone cancelled. Thought it would be relaxing.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
as opposed to fantasy life?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Waste of a degree.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sorry you feel that way. I think I have helped a lot of people.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: what type of degree?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]MSW
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
what to do when stress is sending husband to a bar once a week to unwind and its turns into 4am. 3 yr old DC at home etc. DH blames wife for making stress bc NYC is too expensive etc etc. wife works and every expense is split.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]marriage counselor asap
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP here: Just a quick response b/c I have to go to work. Many couples fight about money. tell dh that going out drinking is not going to solve the problem or help you cope with stress as a couple. You need to sit down and talk about your expenses, make a budget, and work together. If he is unwilling/unable to face this, maybe you can see a marraige counselor together.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 11:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
How do you avoid the trap of analyzing your kid? I'll never forget the first time I realized my dad was doing that (he's a psychologist.) I was pissed.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 11:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't see children in my practice.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 11:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]she said analyzing YOUR kid, genius.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 11:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR: why the hostility? When you were a kid, did a social worker kill your dog or something?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 11:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
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does anybody have an "open" marriage? can it really work?
8 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.11.08, 07:27 AM [ Flag ]If it didn't work in the 70's -- it won't work now.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You mean screwing other people in the open?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]if by open does my dh ignore the fact that i have been having an affair, then yes
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: No. Open would mean you both acknowledge it. Think of any of the last gazillion leaders in France.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ah. we operate on a gays in the military basis.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]lol
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]humor in everything right? if i knew at 28 what i know at 40....
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You misunderstand French culture, if you think that is the case. IGNORE it is a better way to describe French marriage. And not all French men/women do this!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 08:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] My husband has a terrible habit that he refuses to change after 10 years of marriage ... 12 replies
Talk : : November 11, 2008
My husband has a terrible habit that he refuses to change after 10 years of marriage and some therapy. We are a middle class family and he keeps building up his credit card debt, which is now $13,000. I'm terrified about our financial future, but he seems oblivious to my fears and cannot seem to change. What to do?
12 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.11.08, 06:40 AM [ Flag ]i don't know if i would classify that as a terrible habit. i'd look into taking steps to separate your finances so you aren't liable for his debt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP it's terrible, because we're struggling day by day to get by, have no savings, and he's putting things we don't need on his credit card behind my back, and then paying huge interest!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]is there any way to limit him to 1 cc, and have a low limit on just that card? sounds like he's ok having debt even if there's nothing in the bank. a friend of mine's dh lied to her about thier debt and they almost lost thier house. she was going to divorce him (esp over the lying part) and the only condition that would make her stay was to sign everything over in her name alone. so his paycheck goes to her checking account, she controls the atm and cc cards, and he gets an allowance. works for them, is this something your dh would agree to?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]what is his attitude about this? is it like a "don't worry about it, we'll pay it off" or is it a "yeah, i know i shouldn't have but i couldn't help it".
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP - that's his attitude - don't worry about it, I can make monthly payments, but we have no savings or anything.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
13K? Eh, that's nothing! I have much more than that. You need to pay on time and watch the debt to income ratio. I agree however, it is a bad habit. To that end I teach my kids to be savers and not spenders.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP - yes, but we're very middle class, we make under 100k combined. 13k is a lot of credit card debt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR. OK. Yes for under 100K combined 13K is a lot.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Switch him to an AmEx?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]excuse me, a terrible habit would be nail biting. what your dh is sadly constitutes stupidity, mismanagement, immaturity, compulsiveness, and recklessness. you are doomed to a life of financial ruin with this loser.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP. Um that's a little harsh.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]What a helpful, constructively written response.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I am starting to think sending a kid to NYC public school is like playing Russian rou... 39 replies
- have to feel confident that the school has the basics under control - safety, a decent track record educationally, not too high teacher turnover (not more than 10% annually, I'd say, because that's pretty much marriages, pregnancies, spousal job transfers, commuting casualites)....
Talk : : November 11, 2008
I am starting to think sending a kid to NYC public school is like playing Russian roulette.
39 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.11.08, 06:08 AM [ Flagged ]Only if you don't bother doing any research.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:28 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]What have you researched - care to share?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:29 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Too lengthy for here. But visit schools and trust your instincts (rather than anonymous and usually venomous bored wives on UB) after doing a cursory bit of research on insideschools.org is a good place to start. If you don't trust the vibe you get, you'll just be angry at yourself the first time something goes wrong. Find what feels right for your kids. Your instincts have served you well up to this point, right?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:36 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]This still won't let you know the day to day operations and whether the teacher your dc gets is lazy/burned out/great/good, etc...
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:40 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]TRUE
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:44 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
how will "trusting your instincts" protect you from billions of dollars in upcoming budget cuts?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 07:13 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]THANK YOU
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 09:43 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]You sound like the cuts are going to be the downfall of the public school system. Please. Sure, there will be cuts but there will still be teachers to teach and building to have classrooms in. What else does your kid require to learn?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 05:16 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]There will be some cutting of bells and whistles and if we're lucky, the PTA will step up and all of us will give what we can and raise more money from community events to draw in outside funds. We're not going to lose classroom teachers. Maybe we won't buy that second set of textbooks (one for school and one for home) or maybe the school won't be forced to buy the expensive curriculum consultants that they don't need for as many days as they are currently encouraged to have. Cuts don't have to be dire. Sometimes it's good for housecleaning.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 07:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You live in a la la land. PTA will step up? I am on the PTA of our very involved school, and we are already below targets on fundraising and will be struggling like hell to get anywhere near last year's numbers. Public school parents are impacted by the economy, too.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 07:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not la la land... We're going to try. What's the worst that can happen, we lose a few enrichments. It won't really have that much of an impact on the big picture. They'll have more time to spent on history or writing... big deal.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 07:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
B.S.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:39 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]well, doing research isn't enough. you have to be able to move if the zoned school is bad. it's not easy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:45 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
If you feel that way you should definately not send dc to public school - just know that not everyone feels that way
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:28 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I think so much of DC experience is based upon teacher assignment regardless of the school you attend that you face this every year in public and private.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:29 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]That's true, but you have to feel confident that the school has the basics under control - safety, a decent track record educationally, not too high teacher turnover (not more than 10% annually, I'd say, because that's pretty much marriages, pregnancies, spousal job transfers, commuting casualites).
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:38 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]^^and a fairly active parent population that can help make up for some of the budget cuts with enough energy to do some fundraising.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:38 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]there are many schools in NYC that fit this bill.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 02:55 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
This is true.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 09:39 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
Definitely. We were told repeatedly how great our zoned school was. We're really disappointed though
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 06:39 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]What is that disappointed you and why do you think you would be happier at a private?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 08:34 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]definitely will be happier in private but are leaving the city
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 08:50 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
No matter how "good" the school, even the G&T, they are overcrowded and the kids get lost in the wave.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 09:41 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Those are not the kids getting lost in the wave, certainly not with knowledgable parents who can get them supplemental education in areas where it's really falling short. Put it into perspective. Lots of kids have gotten into the best high schools from sub-standard elementary and middle schools. You can help your child navigate his/her education instead of freaking out or blaming everyone else. Nothing's perfect.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 07:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Ditto. I don't understand why people think it's so great.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 01:32 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Because they are not as snooty as you are.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 05:16 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
Isn't parenting in general like Russian roulette?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 08:34 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]No. You aren't leaving the raising of your child up to someone else. With NYC schools, you have no idea what is going to happen to your kid!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 09:42 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]you don't have a lot of control at any school, public or private. and you know what? a less than ideal school is NOT a bullet inthehead. many of us survived them.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 12:12 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Give me a f'ing break. Nobody is going to do harm to your child. If you think there is something lacking in your child's education and you don't get it resolved with the school you take matters in your OWN hands.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 05:18 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
If you send your DC to public shcool you have a 1 in 8 chance of death? Wow you really HATE public school!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 10:07 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]My husband and I went to public school throughout our childhood and this was through the depression of the 70s and crack-filled 80s and we ended up at great colleges and with pretty terrific careers. Same for my two boys. PS 87, Earth School, Tompkins Square Middle School, New Design H.S. and one has ADHD. One at Ursinus and one at Cornell. I think with a bit of parental involvement, coming in with a good attitude about public school and being an ally to the teacher and principal rather than an enemy Public School can work out just fine.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 12:07 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]What is Ursinus???
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 12:38 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]a really shite college
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 01:53 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Your mother's really shitty, cunt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 02:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^^you need mental help, and fast.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 03:05 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
My family has a similar history. We're more resourceful and resiliant than our friends who had private school, pampered lives. We don't whine about it all and our kids appreciate all we have done and continue to do for them, while our friends' kids are bratty and have had more substance abuse and mental health issues than the kids we know who are our kids' public school peers. Give me a scrappy NYC public school kid any day!
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 07:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
That's letting yourself off the hook. It's not just random fate--you can make good choices or poor ones.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 12:41 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]You are greatly exaggerating! One of my dc goes to a CTT class, the teachers are fabulous! There are 17 students in his class, two teachers and two teachers aids. My other dc goes to a g&t class (19 students) excellent teachers and principal/school staff as well.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.08, 04:38 AM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
[+] Wow, I just learned something that makes me very nervous. I am my parents only child... 13 replies
- yeah, that is what I'm worried about. To be fair, my mom went into their marriage with some significant assets, so it does make sense that as her only child I should get more from her...
Talk : : November 10, 2008
Wow, I just learned something that makes me very nervous. I am my parents only child, but I have 5 older half siblings from my dad's first marriage (the youngest of them is 19 years older than I am). Just learned that my parents made me executor of their estate, and I am to receive half of it upon their deaths, and my siblings each get 1/5th of half... how much are they going to hate me?
13 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.10.08, 02:55 PM [ Flagged ]a bunch
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 02:56 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]yeah, that is what I'm worried about. To be fair, my mom went into their marriage with some significant assets, so it does make sense that as her only child I should get more from her... but I know my older half-sibs are going to be pissed, especially since I am the youngest by so much
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 02:58 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
they might not hate you at all. it really depends. don't b orrow trouble.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 03:04 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]unfortunately they are all the "tit for tat" types, who have gotten upset with my parents in the past for doing things like giving one of them money for something but not giving all of them money at the same times, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 03:05 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]np. do you have much to do with them? If not then don't worry about it. It is your parents money to do with what they want.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 03:07 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]not a lot. My sister, who is youngest next to me, and I are somewhat close. Actually my neices and nephews are closer to my age and I am closer with them, however, they are the only family i have.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 03:08 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
they are going to really hate you
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 03:04 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Your parents should discuss this with your siblings now, and not leave you the burden of dealing with it after they are gone.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 03:05 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]yes, I asked them to do that when they told me about this, and they said that they would
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 03:09 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
arrangement makes sense to me
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 03:08 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]because i am the one from my mom, and there are 5 others from my dad (if they wanted to be really fair I guess they'd split my dad's half 6 ways and give me one part of it, but that's not necessary)
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 03:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Why are you the executor too? Shouldn't it be someone unrelated in case the others want to dispute? I thought people used a family lawyer as executor.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 04:08 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I am executor after each of them for the other... there is a family lawyer who will act as executor if I am unable or unwilling. I don't think being executor makes much of a difference, and if they have intact wills, what is there to dispute?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.08, 11:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Brutal truth needed here: do you ever regret having DB? TTC, and I can't help wonderi... 31 replies
- np: I regretted it a little only when db was a newborn, it was really hard. Once she was about 5 months I was so in love! I miss the freedom of my marriage and life before but watching her develop is so amazing. Just knowing I have my own little family is wonderful. I knew i was ready to be a parent but was ttc at age 37....
Talk : : November 10, 2008
Brutal truth needed here: do you ever regret having DB? TTC, and I can't help wondering if I really want kids or I feel like I'm supposed to want kids. Did you know 100% that you were ready to be a parent?
31 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.10.08, 01:34 PM [ Flagged ]i knew 100%. how old are you?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:34 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]OP: 30. I know I still have time, but still...
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:55 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]i would want to be close to 90% sure before I started trying.. ..where are you?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 02:00 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
I have never known anyone who regretted having thier dc's. But if you do not feel ready and time is on your side wait a bit.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:35 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I'm in the same situation. i LOVE kids and know I want them, but I'm not sure I'm "ready", though I don't know if I will ever really be "ready" or if anyone else is ever 100% ready...
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:35 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]What's TTC?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]tryign to conceive
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:37 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
np: I regretted it a little only when db was a newborn, it was really hard. Once she was about 5 months I was so in love! I miss the freedom of my marriage and life before but watching her develop is so amazing. Just knowing I have my own little family is wonderful. I knew i was ready to be a parent but was ttc at age 37.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:36 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]posted above in same position as op... I am 25 and adore children, know I want them, dh is pushing like crazy to have kids, but I just know life is going to change dramatically and I'm not sure i'm ready for it!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:38 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]you are so young, lucky you. Take some more time please! Tell Dh to back off!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:40 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]thanks, I guess. Dh is almost 30 and really really wants us to be young parents (we both have older parents and he recently lost his dad), which is why he is pushing
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:41 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]well maybe you can compromise on the timing of ttc. My dh pushes me too for #2 cause I am almost 39 but just getting used to life with 1.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:44 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I've already pushed him back nearly a year after he wanted to start ttc... not sure how much longer I can hold him off! (j/k)
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:45 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]well let's face it, the mom does the most work so he will have to wait. you sre both still going to get to be young parents unlike me and dh woh are 38/39 with an 8 month old
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:47 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]Yes, I know... I just want to make him happy, and I know we want kids soon, so I'm starting to cave. Hey, you're younger than my parents - my mom was 39 when I was born and my dad was 59!!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
don't regret having db. but in hindsight i might have waited a little while longer before getting pregnant.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:39 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]dh and I had been together almost 17 years before we had dd. we weren't 100% sure we were ready when I got pg, but we also always knew we wanted a dd (even had the name picked out), so when dd arrived we knew it was meant to be. that said, we are the kind of parents who can't honestly say "we don't remember what life was like before dc...," in other words, we sometimes miss time alone together, etc. but we wouldn't have our lives any other way now.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:40 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]you said it. you miss the alone time but children are a blessing, of course we haven't even hit the terrible 2's yet!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:42 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]they aren't so bad. wait until the f'ing fours.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:43 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]never heard that term before. We are on the honeymoon stage of having a very happy 8 month old.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:45 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]we'd never heard of it either until dd turned four.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:46 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]np: best time, imo, is 6-18 months. enjoy it!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:46 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]we are !
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:48 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
I knew 100%! My SIL knew 100% no kids. I don't regret it but I sometimes daydream I am off on their many vacations with them
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:41 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I don't regret db in the least, but as I TTC #2 I do wonder sometimes if I really want a second. I mean, I know I would love a second, but I do wonder if I would resent the amount of work.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:45 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]i agree. i am almost 39 so we need to get going on #2 in the next year. want db to have a sibling but would be so much easier with just the one.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:46 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
I've regretted my DH more than the DC... but i guess without him, i wouldn;t have them, so the lying cheating bastard did two things right.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:51 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]LOL. See? The glass is half full. Sorry about your DH. Sounds like a jerk!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 02:45 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
You're never "ready" to be a parent. Doesn't matter if you're nesting for 9 months or partying as much as possible to get it out of your system before the baby arrives, everyone gets thrown into the fire in much the same way. Don't rush, at your age, but if you love your husband and want a family, I can almost guarantee you'll find having babies to be the best experience of your life.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 01:59 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I always knew I wanted kids/family in theory, but never felt the burning desire so many women describe. I went ahead and had my first at 31 and second at 33. I never regretted the decision at all, but you do have to go into it with realistic expectations! It does change your life forever.:)
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 02:46 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]I miss my old routine sometimes, but never regret it. if you're not ready yet, wait. you'll know when you are ready.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 02:52 PM [ Flagged | link to this post ]
[+] Anyone have a DH who cheated (not when married but dating or when engaged) and how di... 10 replies
- so if a man cheats before marriage, it's the girlfriend's fault???...
Talk : : November 10, 2008
Anyone have a DH who cheated (not when married but dating or when engaged) and how did you get over it?
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.10.08, 11:07 AM [ Flag ]he would not have been a dh
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 11:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ditto
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 11:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]tritto.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 11:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Unfortunately, he cheated while married. Wish he had done it before.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 11:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP - it is actually worse when before...
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 11:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np- no, you had the chance to back out. Whilst married it involves the legal profession(ie $$)
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 11:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]No way. Now there are dcs involved, common property, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 11:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP - worse meaning why the HELL did I marry him... if after it is not your fault
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 11:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]so if a man cheats before marriage, it's the girlfriend's fault???
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 11:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP - no... my fault I married him and can't get over it
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 11:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I have 2 yr old twins and another 1 baby on the way in March. I have two frozen embi... 15 replies
- I already have one ds. She thinks that should be enough. (She's workaholic, currently destroying her marriage, no kids, etc.)...
Talk : : November 10, 2008
I have 2 yr old twins and another 1 baby on the way in March. I have two frozen embies left. WOuld you try to use them or not? not using them would mean disposal or donating for stem cell research. we are not interested in donation to another couple.
15 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.10.08, 09:00 AM [ Flag ]I would donate to research.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]that's what I am thinking....it seems a waste to dispose of them when they can go to research
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
do you want more children?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't know yet
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you have to decide that before you decide what to do with the ice tots.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you're right, thanks, I think I will store them for not and see where things stand in a year...
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OP: you know soemthing...it's funny but Ihave gotten a lecture from friends about how there are "enough" people in the world and I shouldn't have any more!!! Is this really something to think about? This friend also told me to adopt if I want more!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]nice friend.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sounds like my sister! That's what she said to me after my recent mc. What's wrong with people?!!! FWIW, I think you ought to hold on to your embies until you're sure.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]oh boy, very unenlightened sister. Do you already have a child or two. maybe that was how she could make you feel better, hah
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I already have one ds. She thinks that should be enough. (She's workaholic, currently destroying her marriage, no kids, etc.)
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yikes! I will you all the best in trying to conceive #2!!!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 10:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thank you! Currently in the 2ww, so we'll see..
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 10:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
While I uderstand the sentiment, I think it's rude to express it to someone else in such a personal situation. IMHO, I think more than 3 kids per family is a lot, but that's just me.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]it is alot. My shrink always says "have as many as you want as long as you can afford to educate them", in the city that is hard! I am in Boston, 4 kids probably means moving to the burbs, but Boston has alot of great public schools in the burbs
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] i was the 1 who found out dh was in cabo when i thought he was in colombia... tooo bo... 10 replies
- you said the marriage is over right?...
Talk : : November 10, 2008
i was the 1 who found out dh was in cabo when i thought he was in colombia... tooo boot this wknd.. all these photos of dh were posted on facebook. All innocent, but imagine i found them on fb before he told me. I am soo angry.
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.10.08, 08:38 AM [ Flag ]What was his excuse?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 08:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you said the marriage is over right?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 08:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Dude, he lied to you, and that's a pretty big lie. I would leave ASAP. It's over. I think he's telling you it's over. He doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 08:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]one word - divorce. How long have you been married? Do you have kids? This sounds so high school to me it is scary!!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 08:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thats how i feel. I am soo sick to my stomach & grieving that people get to this level.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 08:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
sounds like a sack of shit
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 08:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]that is really disrespectful. how did you find out that he was in cabo? posting photos is like salt in a wound.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 08:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]he admitted to me that he went to cabo before i saw the fb postings.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 08:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Still. WHY is he posting photos that you will likely SEE and that will just hurt you? I think he told you because he wants out, and the photos are just another push in that direction. I know it is hard to do, and hard to hear, but you need to walk away from this man. He does NOT treat you with respect.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 09:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
normally i'm the poster who says things like a dh flirting at a bar doesn't mean anything and his going out with friends to a strip club is no big deal. this, however, is really over the line. it doesn't matter that the photos are innocent. the fact is that he lied about being in a different country. this would put me over the edge -- and i'm the kind of wife who's been to strip clubs with dh. the lie is the issue. why did he have to lie about it? that's what sends major alarm bells ringing.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.08, 08:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
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