Jeremy Clarkson
We've made some changes
to The Sunday Times
My eyes don’t work any more. When I dial a number on my mobile, it’s only through sheer blind luck that I get through to the right person. And as for texts – forget it. Then there’s the bothersome business of going out to eat. Most restaurants provide mood lighting, which is wonderful if you are dining with a moose but not so wonderful if – as is normal – the menu is printed in the sort of typeface that’s usually seen on microdots. Mostly, I just point and hope that I’ve managed to miss the marzipan pie with grated butter beans.
Of course, I should go to the opticians but I’m afraid this isn’t possible because, before giving me a pair of spectacles, they will look into my eyes with machinery . . . and here we hit on the problem.
I’m not a squeamish man. I am never unduly troubled by scenes on the news that the BBC’s editorial policy unit has deemed worthy of a warning about “graphic violence and bloodshed”. I can kill a chicken. I could amputate a gangrenous leg. I can even graze the internet and not be constantly fearful that I’m going to be so revolted by something that pops onto the screen that I’ll vomit into the keyboard.
But eyes? No. I can’t even think about them without going queasy. When my daughter needed an operation to correct a squint, the doctor explained the procedure to me, after which I had to be brought round with smelling salts. I have to fast-forward “that bit” in Kill Bill 2, and I have never once used eyedrops. It would be impossible.
As a result of all this, I buy my reading glasses from the only shops I ever visit, which are in airport departure lounges. This is not easy because the instructions you have to follow before deciding what sort of lens you need are printed in a typeface smaller than most bacteria.
Consequently, I usually end up with a pair of specs that require me to position a book six seats in front of where I’m sitting on the plane. Or so close to my face that it actually squashes my nose.
And here’s the really bad bit. The glasses you buy over the counter are a big joke – one that’s being played by the Chinese, I expect. They are held together with nuts and bolts so small that when they come undone – and they do, all the time – you need a carbon nanotube to do them up again. And of course you don’t have a carbon nanotube with you because you’re on a plane, and such things – along with shampoo and tennis rackets – aren’t allowed on planes. What’s more, you don’t even have your reading glasses because they’re in four pieces on your left knee.
I wouldn’t mind, but even if you are not squeamish about eyes, and you make regular trips to the opticians and have a pair of lenses that are perfectly suited to your particular condition, you will look like an ocean-going idiot.
Everyone chooses their specs to make a statement – to make them look interesting or sexy or wise – whereas in fact all spectacles do is tell the world that your body doesn’t work properly. Choosing purple frames merely highlights that fact. It’s like being diagnosed with erectile dysfunction and then buying trousers that have no fly.
So maybe the only solution is that we do without glasses and spend the rest of our lives with a headache from the strain, eating marzipan and butter beans. Or that the worlds of industry and catering accept that half of their customers struggle with anything smaller than 72-point bold type, and that they reprint their instructions and menus to suit.
This brings me nicely to the dashboard of the new Citroën C5. My demonstrator had a 7in 16:9 television screen with a built-in GSM telephone, a radio, a CD player, iPod connectivity, a 10GB hard drive to store music and GPS navigation with traffic alerts and a bird’s-eye-view map.
In addition, there was an electronic parking brake (complete with a system that prevents the car rolling back on hill starts), cruise control and an adjustable speed limiter. And then, in no particular order, I had parking sensors, electrically adjusted seats that vibrate if you stray out of your lane, directional headlamps, switchable suspension, ride-height adjustment, traction control, a dual-zone air-conditioning system, hazard warning lights that come on when you brake hard, an electronic stability program, an electrochrome rear-view mirror, rain-sensing wipers, dark-sensing headlamps, a trip computer, a tyre-pressure monitor . . .
This car made a Mercedes S-class look like the back end of a Cornish cave, and while that’s wonderful, unfortunately all of these things have to be operated with buttons that are mostly the size of pinheads because that’s the only way they can get them all in. It is therefore impossible to find them and even more impossible to read what any of them do, at least not without reaching for your reading glasses, which is tricky when you’re on the move.
Honestly, in a whole week I was unable to activate the sat nav, and any attempt to set the cruise control usually resulted in Ken Bruce being replaced by traction control. To operate the horn you ideally need a head torch and a cocktail stick.
However, I could clearly see that the new C5 was a very handsome car. It sits among other four-door saloons – from BMW, Audi, Ford, Honda and so on – looking much like Angelina Jolie would while sitting in a Wakefield bus queue.
What’s more, we are told it’s no longer built by uninterested Algerians in a factory made from straw, and that as a result it is somehow German. Obviously there’s no way of knowing at this stage whether any of this is true, but I doubt that it is. The French have never been able to make a car that lasts, any more than the Germans have been able to make a soufflé.
What is certain is that the C5 is more comfortable than any German rival. My test car had hydropneumatic suspension, which really does isolate you from the pain of a badly made road. It also means it handles like a blancmange, although to get round that problem you can reach for the “sport” button – which turns on the CD player.
I liked driving this car. I liked looking at it. I liked the sheer surprise of pressing a button and then trying to work out what I’d done. There’s one obstacle, however, that I’d have to jump before I signed on the dotted line.
In the past few years Citroën has struggled to make its products popular in Britain. Or indeed anywhere where people walk on their back legs. So, to get round that, it’s indulged in a business strategy that most experts would call “a bit daft”.
First, it has offered its cars at enticingly low prices and then garnished them with cashbacks, 0% finance and the promise of a Thai massage for everyone buying one before the end of May. I sometimes get the impression there are so many incentives on a Citroën C3, for example, that if you buy one the dealer will give you £40. And some of his daughters.
Of course, this policy doesn’t really work for you because if you can buy a Citroën new for minus £40, what’s it going to be worth when you want to sell? And obviously it doesn’t work for Citroën either, but that hasn’t stopped the company. In about five minutes I found a Citroën dealer willing to offer me a new C5 with well over a thousand quid knocked off its list price.
Of course there was probably some detailed small print attached to the offer. But, needless to say, I couldn’t have read it.
Vital statistics
Model Citroën C5 2.7 HDi V6 Exclusive
Engine 2720cc, six cylinders
Power 208bhp @ 4000rpm
Torque 325 lb ft @ 1900rpm
Transmission Six-speed automatic
Fuel 33.6mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 223g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 9.6sec
Top speed 139mph
Price £24,395
Road tax band F (£210 for 12 months)
On sale Now
Verdict Should play harder to get
You should have chosen a 504 instead of the Merc' to cross the Magkadigkadi Jeremy.
Better qualities, you wouldn't have had to pull doors appart to thunder through the salt pans.
The 504 still rules Africa. A pick up is strong as aToyota
I still have two of them and a 2cv... they are unbreakable
abergasse, Versailles, France
Had a Citroen C5 V6 2004, lasted 54,000kms until the inevitable breakdown. 8 coils, and 3 catalytic converters later the thing still wouldn't run. Swapped it for a Lexus ES300 with 20,000 on the clock, after threats of legal action with the dealer, never going French again!!! The Lexus works........
nickc, sydney, australia
French cars don't last ?
My seven year old Peugeot 406 HDI has done over 120,000 miles and in the five years I've owned it it failed it's first MOT this year. It needed a new ball joint on rear suspension - £45 fitted. What a car - French cars are the business.
Brian Hancock, Rugby, UK
I work for a citroen dealer and the new C5 I have to say is by far one of the best things citroen has done, its germanic qualities i.e solid well built reliable combined with the french qualities of flair, quirkiness and dynamics make this car by far one of the best in the market, UNMISTAKEABLE
Ed Tristram, Mansfield, Nottinghamshire
I bought my C5 2.2HDI exclusive 2 months ago.In my opinion this is the best car i could ever get.Heavy on fuel though.But technology is really remarkable.
Raja, Nottingham, Notts
Sounds like Jeremy is getting too old! At least the Citroen gets its well deserved support round here though :-)
Philip, Preston, UK
I bought a new 2.2HDI C5 in 2002. It was in my financial plan to use it until my younger one had left university in 2010. The antipollution warning and electronic stability warnings came on. The dealer gave me my money back. They said they'd fixed it. Got a Honda accord-delighted but skint for 2 yrs
Roger Brentworth, St Annes, England
Nonsense - there's still Peugeot 205 diesels about not to mention 405 diesels. And what about all those old Citroen 2CVs? Of course Jeremy doesn't like diesels and could anyone see him in a 2CV?
Ian Burgess, Bristol,
we can't all afford Lambos
george, aylesbury,
Ken from Shrewsbury: my mother loves 505's. She ended up buying 4 or 5, but they kept dying (because they all were of a certain age by that point). Heated seats, central locking, 8 bijillion passenger seats. Perfect!
Simon M, London,
Am I the only one to hope that, with all the driving Jeremy does, he does go to an optometrist for an eye test at least once every two years? Otherwise, how does he know that he is fit to drive?
Hannah, Shropshire,
renault 4 went on for yonks,and plenty left down here in spain.
funny have not seen equivalent austins.
never mind its great to have blinkers if you cannot run straight
john haydon rowe, javea,
Jeremy is just being Jeremy and living up to an image he has carefully crafted. I don't believe for a second he believes that the French don't make cars to last.There is a very long list. My neighbours all run around in forty year old Renault 4's and deux chevaux's even older than that.
M.J. Frizell, Payzac, France
Is a Renault 12 considered a car? I once saw a Citroen BX with 800.000kms on it. The driver mixed oil into his diesel. Sorry Clarkson, you're wrong.
simon rance, moralzarzal, madrid, spain
French cars don't last? I have read it to my Xantia HDi with 280 thousand miles on the meter. She was rolling on her wheels with laughter.
Mariusz, London,
At least they still make them!
Fred, London, Uk
Rob, it's really not so weird to like XMs and XJs when they both share the world's best ride quality. Mr Clarkson wouldn't understand: he wants a car that will entertain him for the 2.5 days he has it. You begin to see why short term tests of objects most people own for years are so meaningless!
Phil, Brentwood, UK
I had a peugeot 505 diesel estate for about 7 years.
never had it serviced never used oil got over 30 mpg.
I only scraped it because the heater started leaking,& the exhaust was broken. Well it was 16 years old and had 265000
miles on the clock.I wish i could buy one now.
ken, Shrewsbury, Shropshire
Martin from London -- how bizarre to meet someone who is weird in exactly the same way as me. I have a soft spot for both XMs and XJs, and have owned a run of each. Now will drive only the latter, plus Series Land Rovers. By the way Jezza, this is Citroen. If you want logic, go somewhere else.
Rob, London,
Would you like to buy my wife's C5? £1000 service topped up the fuel additive, but failed to get the computer to accept it. Might just as well have not bothered....or the window which wil open automatically, only way to close it is to disconnect it. Over-advanced.....under-engineered!
Phil Drage, wellingborough, Northamptonshire
I love Citroens and have run CX, XM, Xantia, Saxo, 2CV etc I have also run a Pug 406. The CX broke down. I loved the XM but it was not well built or reliable. Bits fell off the Xantia all the time but it did keep going. I'm on my third Jaguar XJ now - its simply the best car in the World
Martin, London,
I had a Citroen ID19 in 1960. Drove it Africa for 5 years (Bad Roads) - 80,000 miles - No problems. Querky.
Since then I have had several Cits - never a breakdown- 20,000 pa. Now have a C3 semiautomatic. Delightful.
Fraid you have a phobia along with your eyes.
And I cannot stand the French!
M. Cawdery, Portadown, Co. UK, EU
I've just completed 200 000 miles in my 2000 citroen xantia 2ltr hdi and it's all going strong. My dad completed 400 000 km in his peugeot 405 1.9ltr turbo diesel .
The citroen/psa 1.9ltr turbo diesel engine is one of the strongest most reliable engines of all time, better even then the toyota picku
John, mondeville , france
What a load of rubbish the idea that French cars don't last, have you seen them in the Sahara those old Peugeot 203's and 403's, still going strong, English cars have a dodgy reputation, Triumph Heralds, Morris Marina's and Austin whatevers, and even my Jaguar, god love it is not exactly perfection
Anthony Becker, Nice, France
>>"The French have never been able to make a car that lasts..." - Well, (ahem) I'm driving a '71 Citroen DS21 Pallas every day and have had no problems here in the states getting minor repairs made over the years. It's a lovely car, and the C5 is great. Wish they would sell the new Cits here.
Jim Agnew, Rocklin, California, USA
I really don't understand the peculiarly British obsession , as exemplified by Clarkson , of having to feel the car enter a pothole and drive out the other side just to be reassured they are still alive ! (BMW, Audi etc. are worst...watch them ' jitterbug' on a motorway). I just waft in my Citroen
Ted, Canterbury,
Could I just say 'Mazda 323 hatchback'? Best car ever made. Incidentally, someone here tried to sell her Renault back to the dealer after a year, and was it was 'worthless' except as a trade in.
The French haven't got anything right since Camembert. German cars? Hitler's revenge!
Nicko, Cape Town, South Africa
I have had Peugeots for 20 years; first a 205 which was thrashed by all the family and eventually, after 100,00 miles had to have a new driveshaft. Next, a 406, still going strong at 100,000 miles, until I wrote it off!
Very reliable; but if you are talking about Renaults......!
C.Wood, Camberley, UK
Er..., uncorrected vision?
Have you seen the way Clarkson threads those cars round a race track?
Would be nice to see A Jolie round our town!
charles kasosa, wakefield, u k
Whether french cars break down or not I think they are some of the most enjoyable cars around. I was disapointed when i first saw the advert for the C5 claiming it was unmistakeably German. Surely the whole point of buying a French car is to avoid the souless shapes of metal that the Germans build.
George Redman, Birmingham, England
Just curious as to what would happen if you were involved in an accident where you were driving with uncorrected vision?
I seem to recall insurance companies and police officers can be a bit funny about that sort of thing...
David, London, UK
You've obviously got a bad case of myopia. Down here in south west France you never see a Ford - it's all Peugeot, Renault and Citroen and a lot of them are very,very old. 2CV's with a pig in the back, a 50's Peugeot van with no back doors, a horse and a goat staring at us - or maybe I need glasses?
Neil Whitehead, Mouhous, France
Everyone has their own experiences. My 1999 Renault Laguna is still going strong. Sure it needs regular maintenance like brake pads replaced etc. but thats with any car and usually done annually when the MOT inspector does not like what he sees. Otherwise the car has been extremely reliable.
Akhan, London,
I agree with you Clarkson, I have 2 Citroens a C4 LOEB and a C6 after 30 minutes i had a C4 all worked out, but after 6 months and 6000 miles i still no idea how to use anything on the C6! I test drove the C5, after 2 days i gave up and left it sitting on my drive for the rest of the week...
Alex, Kenilworth,
"The French have never been able to make a car that lasts"!
What about the Citroen DS, then?
P Williams, London,
Surely, Stephen, your kidding? Of course a car lasts 6years. The problem is 200k mi & 15years. Then you want a Jap or German car. I love my Peugeot 307sw, but only because its a company car. Like the C5, it looks great and it drives like a dream. But its in the garage, a lot.
Jan, Beveren, Belgium
French cars don't last? my old Renault RX4 is going strong after 6 years and I've just taken delivery of a C4 Picasso with more gadgets than Q's lab. I've no expectation of healthy residuals on any new car though, so either keep them for 6 or 7 years or buy a second hand one a year or two old.
Stephen, London, England
For goodness sake Jeremy, you're driving cars constantly and often very fast. If you can't see you're a menace to yourself and others. Unforgiveable. Get off the road!
Or just be thankful you live in a time when this can be simply and cheaply rectified. Bite the bullet and get your eyes seen to.
Jon, Winchester,
Jérémy !
Since my first encounter, on a parking lot, in October 07, with this new C5 Citroën, I just cannot find any other car to feel all my expectations as a new car.
As for pricing, Citroën is recovering from the 30 years when Peugeot SA designed Citroën cars as the group's cheaper choices.
Alexandre MARTIN, CHAPONOST, France
I like the value of French cars and drive a Peugeot 206 which has behaved well over the four years that I have had it. The basic specs are really comprehensive and it's a pleasant drive. Just to put things into perpective: I do live in Bermuda with an official speed limit of 20 mph!
Nadia, Hamilton, Bermuda
It has to be Jeremy having a little fun,and being a little overawed.The fact that he can't see the buttons he talks about doesn't really matter since most of the controls he mentioned are ON by default.I'm sure he'd much prefer a googly-eyed Merc with rust in every orifice and developing cataracts..
Mike Niblett, Newcastle, Co Down
...and for those of us that can still see, what was the car like? Any good?
Brian Farrah, Bristol, England
Peugeot Citroen is Europe's second-largest automaker, with the C4 Picasso currently the best-selling MPV. Whatever they're doing, they're doing it right.
Citroen has also crept into the manufacturer top ten for reliability, ahead of all the Germans. But I guess the facts are never quite so funny...
Phil, Brentwood, England
Another Clarkson headline designed to raise the hackles. I did 120K miles in an R4; we currently run a Xsara HDi estate that's done 220K km and let us down twice in 9 years Citroën axed the 2CV partly because it refused to fall apart... But not trendy or stylish enough for overpaid journalists
John Adams, Péault, France
This one looks much better than the last C5. Every time I saw one of those I felt depressed. Jeez that was UGLY!
Cars of this genre are usually worthless 2 years later. And Citroen isn't any different to most other manufacturers. Just look at the Scorpio, Safrane, Chroma, or 3500 SDi...
Adrian Elman, Aurillac, France
I enjoy reading Jeremy's columns. You know that for a good, objective review of a car you should go elsewhere, but usually there is some semi-worthwhile comment on what he's supposed to be reviewing.
This week, though? "I liked driving this car. I liked looking at it." And that's it?? Not enough!!
David McMillan, Glasgow, Scotland
I can't have anyone else messing near my eyes. To put eyedrops in, simply tilt your head back, close your eyes and squeeze a couple of drops into the corner of each eye. The liquid will find its own way in as you tilt forward and blink. Hayfever? Try Otrivine Antistin drops, stored in the fridge.
Ian, Stafford,
Take a look at last year's Reliability Supertest in What Car, where Citroen placed ahead of all the German makes - BMW and Mercedes included. While you might argue that German cars are better engineered than many others, are they better put together? There is mounting evidence to suggest otherwise.
Jamie, London,
I bought an 18-month-old Renault 12 when it was the Which? best buy. In the first three months I had a new starter, generator, clutch, something on the front suspension and a new cylinderhead. Then bought VW. I understand the reasoning behind this Citroen advert. I'm not taken in though.
Derek Smith, Brighton, UK
The French didn't flog their car industry off to foreigners, you see, so they are the true successors to British Leyland.
If you want a comfortable, cheap, badly made but reliable car try Jeep Chrysler Dodge.
Dave, Slough,
I agree! it is a fantastic car, but in a few years time all this modern stuff will go wrong, and we will be left with a very expensive car, thats about as much use as a blender!!
Look at the Sinclair C5?
Anthony, Birmingham, West Midlands
How can a 200+bhp car reach 60mph in 9.6s?
Deni, Tirane, Albania
Glenn, Wales - how is Wagner Norwegian?
David, London - he means microdot, watch "The Spy Who Loved Me" for an explanation from Q.
Rob, Birmingham, UK
Quite agree Mr C, but you must be too young to remember my old Peugeot 404 which you couldn't kill with a stick. Then I made the mistake of buying a 504 thinking it would give me more of the same, only to be sadly disappointed. I haven't bought a French car since.
Bill Granger, Brisbane, Australia
Formidable!
Pierre LaRoche, Montreal, Canada
Dude, you are the best damn automotive writer in the world. Whatever they are paying you, have them double it and they're still getting off cheap!
I agree with you about the state of cars and the complexity found in the dash. The only things I need are the speedometer and the fuel gauge.
Jim Duffy, Los Angeles, CA, USA
Thought you were a fan of Peugeot 505s, JC. Had three at one time. But you're right, they are less than 100% reliable, but what is? Japanese cars aside, that is.
Andrew Milner, Karuizawa, Japan
I dont agree Jeremy, the C5 is such a good looking, confortable car. Yes its a Citroën but the way I see it kinda separates you from the others... a friend of mine just bought one in January ( the 2.0 diesel )and its running great (as far as I see, he still loves it :o )
Sorry bad English...
Pedro Cação, Guimarães, Portugal
Having bought a brand new citroen two litre16v xantia at a heavily discounted price, twelve years ago and then finding out it was worth a tenth of what i paid for it upon selling it 6 years later, i would never buy another new citroen, indeed probably not any new car. Buy a nearly new Audi instead.
Steve Chapman, Liverpool, UK
Yes it's the Citroen magic, half 2CV half DS. Discovering all these gadgets is monstrous but its great fun too.
A happy Citroen C4 picasso owner
Paul, London,
Is this the French the car that claims to be German to a Norwegian soundtrack in the TV ad?
Seems a little confused.
Glenn, wales,
Make a great second hand buy though wouldn't it. Besides people don't generally buy cars they buy badges so I doubt it'll do as well as it should...
Gavin Sullivan, Cardiff, UK
I dont agree Jeremy, the Peugoet 404 has definately lasted, must be from the 60's or 70's and they are still going strong in Africa....come to Southern Africa and see, in particular Zimbabwe
Troy, St Peter Port , Guernsey
> the menu is printed in the sort of typeface thats usually seen on microdots.
Or microfilm. Surely a Freudian slip back to JC's acid days :)
David, London, UK
Jeremy--The Peugeot 404s of the '60s were tough old nails, too. Look at any Middle East TV news of the past few years and what do you see in the background? Punched-in 404s serving as taxis, private transport and donkey carts. Just keep them away from road salt and they're good to go indefinitely.
Dave Brownell, Manchester , USA
Where is the car review?
Jimbo, Bristol,
OH I dunno Mr C.` The old Peugeots of the 1970s were the workhorses of much of Africa, tougher than a Landrover,. and lasted forever which is why they were bush buses and taxis in son many countries.
George Edwards, beijing, China
If the Mayor of London's post is filled, it time to go for Prime Minister. I don't think this is the official car though.
Philip Pank, London,