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 Let's take this fledgling industry and go BIG! By Dave "Fargo" Kosak | October 11, 2002  My formula for success begins by replacing skilled gamers with enthusiastic performance artists. In masks. And costumes. shaithis: God bless America. Kill me now. Fargo: shaithis, the reason I brought you into my column this week is because I have an idea on how we take this professional gaming concept and just blow the DOORS off of modern entertainment as we know it. You see, gaming leagues nowadays are working, but they're all based on sporting models. Probably the closest example would be X-treme sports, which have boomed from a tiny group of enthusiasts to a mainstream audience.  "Okay, B4ll_Bu5t3R? After the hot chick moves aside, you're gonna point at ToeTaGGer and yell, 'Hobble home now, gimpy! I'm gonna put the rail.' Then, he'll grab the chair..." Fargo: The problem with professional gaming vs. X-treme sports is that gaming isn't as exciting to watch as some guy getting his nuts cracked by the whirling knobbed tire of a BMX bike. Oh c'mon! Like there's any better reason to freeze-frame your TiVo. See, Professional gaming lacks a big consumer audience because it's more like fencing or genuine athletic wrestling: Fun to participate in, but not that exciting to try to watch. I ask myself, "If I were a professional gamer, how can I get hordes of screaming fans? How do I get women to throw their bras at me?" shaithis: Aren't you married? Fargo: Yah, but when my wife throws a bra at me it's because I didn't do the laundry again. I'm talking about GLAMOUR, man! Have you ever met a professional gamer? These guys (and girls) are MACHINES. They're good. But they're not always ripe TV personalities.  "You heard me, CampaKillah! I'll see you at the Oregon State University Center this Saturday and you'll be eating your words while we eat your flag on Pay Per View, RWWAAAAH!!" Fargo: No -- but now that you mention it, I'll add it to my list. Naw, see, here's what I was thinking: Let's look at a different business model. PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING. That's right: just drop the hoity-toity pretense of this being a "sport" and call it "sports entertainment." We hire 'gamers' on the basis of charisma and then script out all the matches. Here's my business plan -- shaithis: I knew where you were going with this as soon as I saw the pictures on the side of the page. Count me out! Fargo: Hang on. Just an example. The August 1999 WWF "Summer Slam" had 19,404 fans in attendance, all of whom paid to get in. Then, MILLIONS of people forked over $29 bucks for the pay-per-view telecast. That was just one event. What a business! The numbers are mind-boggling.  "WOW, Murderh34d just totally tripped on ToeTaGGer's rocket. Wait, his manager just threw salt in TaGGer's face! 0wned!" Fargo: See, we build arenas with networked PCs on a raised platform, and then underneath the platform are a bunch of hidden guys playing the game based on the script we worked out. No, wait, better: It's just a bunch of bots going through the motions. The guys in the public eye only pretend to play while shouting smack talk and hitting each other with chairs. Then, at halftime, out come THE LOTTA BOTTOM GIRLS! And the techno music: Umchaka Umchaka Umchaka... shaithis: This is sick. This kind of lowbrow entertainment panders only to the lowest common denominator... all of whom have pay-per-view. So, you're saying I can get in on this, right? Advertisement
shaithis: Sleeper holds? Fargo: Oh baby YAH! You know how they have to keep inventing stupid wrestling moves so that every wrestler has a schtick? Like the "Cobra Clutch?" Well, we'd invent gaming moves, and I'm not just talking about rocket jumps. I'm talking about crazy schizat like "The Venus Death Blossom." We'd do instant replays in slow-motion and all that good stuff, intermixing game footage with events happening ringside. "Oh my God, Fragmaster just sent [BJ]Formless to the turf with a knee drop -- wait a moment -- Corporal Claw jumped out of the rafters with a rocket launcher! He wasn't even supposed to be ON this server!"  And here, kids, is my idea of the model professional gamer. One week he's playing Unreal, next thing you know he's governor of Minnesota. Fargo: ... whoa. Dude, you're a natural. I think I've unlocked your inner Vince McMahon. shaithis: How many Lotta Bottom girls will I be able to fit in my new limo do you think? Fargo: Depends on how lotta a Lotta bottom is. But I'm determined to find out. - Fargo [PlanetFargo is posted every Friday on GameSpy.com. Fargo also writes the Daily Victim, so go there! Mail Fargo.] |
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