Boston Bruins First To Adopt Five-Blade Technology

Look Out, Mr. Turco

The NHL Closer is written by the five feathered friends at Melt Your Face-Off. When not flying south for the winter and molting, they recap the night in Hockey. Reasonable Doubt, contrary to popular belief, is not a Red Wing. He has not, nor has he ever been, a member of the communist party. He might switch for Emma Andersson, though.

Johan Holmqvist is on Line 1, Mr. Turco. The Detroit Red Wings dominated the Stars in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals, winning 4-1 in a game that was never even close, thanks to Marty Turco blowing goats all night long.

Previewing The Flyers-Penguins

The Deadspin NHL Playoff Previews are brought to you the five wealthiest people in the world known as the MYFO Pentaverate. They blog from a secret country mansion known as the Meadows. Beware their wee beady eyes and those smug looks on their faces. Today, Hextall454 breaks down the Eastern Conference Finals.

In the days of Old-Time Hockey, a shiny silver trophy was all the reason you needed to win a playoff series. Times were simpler. Helmets were optional. TV coverage was...well, about the same as it is today. But the point is the players of yesterday didn't need an emotional X factor to help lift them past their Eastern Conference Final opponent. The media didn't have a storyline to shove through our eye sockets just to make the game more interesting. Now I'm not saying that the Flyers or the Penguins will have said factors to bank on for their Best-of-7. But if ESPN were to accidentally cover ice hockey this week, this is what they'd say:

Rocky Statue: Target Of Penguin Terrorist Plot?

Previewing The Red Wings-Stars

The Deadspin NHL Playoff Previews are brought to you by the five foppish gents at Melt Your Face Off. Please don't wear an ascot when a cravat is called for, or they will be right put out. LeNoceur breaks down the Western Conference Finals.

Forget kindergarten. Everything you need to know about life can be learned from old Westerns. You can't trust anyone like you trust your horse. Getting drunk and playing cards is really all the entertainment you need. Real men drink whiskey. People will kill you just to steal your boots. And if you need some iron to take down the local gang of rustlers, you go see the Swede.

The Dallas Marathon

The NHL Closer is written by five immigrants from Mexico that moonlight on Melt Your Face-Off. When not braving the mighty Rio Grande and ducking the Minutemen, we TAKE UR JOBS!

Happy Cinco De Mayo, Spinners. The second round ended.....eventually. But before we get to the marathon that happened in Dallas and the ass-whipping that happened in Pittsburgh, MYFO sends our congratulations to the Wailers Hockey Club in Montclair, New Jersey for their second championship in the Over 30 Recreational Hockey — oh, who are we kidding. None of you care who these girls are or why they're here. Stare at them. That's all they want out of life anyway. (Photo via Sports By Brooks.)

Facing Sweeps, Home Cooking Served New York Well. Colorado? Not So Much

The NHL Closer is written by the five aspiring television writers from Melt Your Face Off. When not huffing toner, they can be found desperately trying to get a pilot episode green-lighted for their action adventure series, Puck Force Five - Hockey Bloggers By Day, Crime Fighters/Lady-Killers By Night.

Well, hello there. A fine Friday it is, wouldn't you agree? MYFO is here to help you wrap-up your work week - or for those of you that are underemployed, to remind you to bring up all the dirty dishes to Ma (she's been asking you to do so all week) — with a recap from an exciting night of NHL action.

Serious Internet Hockey Journalism Starts NOW

The NHL Closer is written by the five hardcore streetfighters at Melt Your Face Off. Their favorite pastimes include kicking ass and chewing bubblegum. And they're all out of bubblegum.

Buzz Bissinger was right. We are full of shit. All of us. We are rude and crude, mean and cruel. From now on, this little hockey corner of Deadspin will no longer be your home of cocknocker references and busty puck bunnies. Serious Hockey Journalism Only. I was nominated by my compatriots to take on this task because I possess a Journalism Degree (from an accredited university!), with the requisite Professional Training and Responsible Judgment that come with being part of such an elite fraternity. So get ready to eat your sports vegetables, kids.

A Word To The Wise: Always Be In A Good Position When The Puck Is Dropped

The NHL Closer is written by five amateur sports media analysts over at Melt Your Face Off. When not playing make-believe by pretending that they are participating in a round-table discussion about what is wrong with how sports are now covered while being railroaded by Bob Costas, they mind their business, keep their heads down, listen to their elders and do as they are told.

Good day, fans of either playoff hockey or scantily clad women (or both - we don't discriminate), there were three huge games last night so let's get right to it.

You Wouldn't Like The Hatch When He's Angry

The NHL Closer is written by the five Staal brothers of Melt Your Face-Off. I know what you're thinking: aren't there only four Staal brothers? Silly Deadspinner. You're forgetting Tito.

In Philly, We Love to Chant for Best Picture Winners. Up until this season, I can't imagine the Wachovia Center faithful had the name "Marty" on top of their list of supportive unison incantations. Thanks to a certain netminder just over the River in Jersey, any chanting of said name was done in the spirit of mocking (as well as quiet jealousy). However, that Martin has been dispatched from the 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs, and the Flyers goalie Marty Biron remains. Much to the chagrin of the Montreal Canadiens.

Elisha Cuthbert Needs to Get Back Together With Sean Avery -- For Everyone's Sake

The NHL Closer is written by the five Masters of Their Universe over at Melt Your Face Off. When not trying to fix the damn trap door in their Castle Grayskull, they can be found debating whether Teela or the Sorceress would have been the easier lay.

Previewing The Stars-Sharks

Deadspin's NHL Conference Semifinal Series Previews are being brought to you by Melt Your Face Off, where hockey is the official religion but all the editors are atheists. MYFO's Weed Against Speed breaks down the Dallas/San Jose series.

Larry Hagman and Burt Bacharach. The last time these two were names were associated together was when they were caught snorting blow out of Joyce DeWitt's asscrack at the Playboy Mansion in 1981. Oh, to be a fly on the wall that night.

Previewing The Rangers-Penguins

Deadspin's NHL Conference Semifinal Previews come courtesy of Melt Your Face-Off. Over at MYFO, Sunday service starts tonight, and holding back when the collection plate comes around earns you a two-minute seat in the penalty pew. In the meantime, Hextall454 brings you the righteous preview of the New York/Pittsburgh showdown.

From Paul's First Letter To The Russians: So the Prophecy according to Bettman didn't come together exactly. The free will of the orange-clad mortal Joffrey Lupul in DC Tuesday night may have altered a few plans. The first of many playoff battles between the league two great young talents, Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin, just got pushed off until the next testament.

Mike, It's Mom. Hey, Didn't You Retire?

The NHL Closer is written by the five big kids over at Melt Your Face-Off. Separated, they are a quintet of meandering hockey bloggers. But combined, they make up the most powerful Blogging Voltron the Interwebs has ever seen. That is, if one of them would just give in and agree to be the fat guy who pilots the Yellow Lion. Stubborn bastards.

1997 was a time when The Worldwide Leader did, in fact, cover hockey. Barry Melrose got to showcase every last one of his tragically pinstriped suits. Darren Pang was on the payroll and could be counted on to fit into the small spaces behind desks should you drop your pen back there. Hell, NHL2Night was a nightly fixture, giving The Deuce something to break up all the thrilling coverage of a group of guys sitting around a table staring at playing cards. And yes, the only rivalry that could overcome Bristol's East Coast Bias was the Detroit Red Wings and the Colorado Avalanche.

Fire Up the Car-B-Q, Montreal: The Flyers Are On Deck

Deadspin's NHL Conference Semifinal Series Previews are being brought to you by Melt Your Face Off, where hockey is the official religion but all the editors are atheists. MYFO's LeNoceur breaks down the Montreal/Philadelphia series.

If this turtle has two faces, then this series has four. Which teams are going to show up on a given night? Will it be the Candiens team that blitzed Boston 5-0 in Game 7, and scored seemingly at will in four games of that series, or the one that struggled to put anything past Tim Thomas in the other 3? Will it be the Carey Price that had consecutive games of giving up 5 goals, or the one that had two shutouts?

Previewing The Red Wings-Avalanche

The NHL playoffs continue tonight with the Conference Semifinals. The five degenerates over at Melt Your Face Off will preview each matchup.

Put away the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. I hate to break it to those who lost interest in hockey in the late 90's and early 00's, but these are not your childhood's Wings and Avs. Yes, most of the major players have returned; Lidstrom, Maltby, Draper, Osgood, McCarty, Sakic, Forsberg, Hejduk, and Foote are all older and wiser. But this is not a bloodbath at the McNichols Sports Arena; this is attrition at the Pepsi Center.

Game Sevens Beyond Thunderdome

The NHL Closer is written by the five degenerates over at Melt Your Face Off, who attempt to reconcile their deviant behavior by invoking Sykes & Matza's Neutralization Theory and participating in the recreational pursuits of latch-hooking and bad MS Paint projects.

Thunderdome. Two teams enter, one team leaves. Tina Turner as Aunty Entity, singing "We Don't Need Another Hero" while swinging a hockey stick. Mel Gibson as Mad Max, before all the anti-Semitism, cycling the puck with a bunch of orphans. You've seen it all before.

Canadiens Fans Advance To Second Round With Quiet Dignity