Listen to Me, I Can't Hear You

I just had a left tympanoplasty with mastoidectomy (you don't have to click them, I'll tell you later). I was under the knife for a couple of hours and had my first general endotracheal anesthetic. They dripped that in over my Valium pre-op butt shot, followed by the post-op anti-nausea wake-me-up, with a chaser of Propoxy-n/apap.

I was born, raised, and have always remained a recreational-drug-and-alcohol teetotaler, but it was nice that modern medicine allowed me to kick off the Stones tour feeling more than a little like Keef Richards.

I had a hole in my eardrum that my body tried to fix. My body, being as smart as me, decided the best way to fix it was to grow wild skin all over the inside of my head. It covered the "bones of hearing" (a good name for a band), and was working its way to my brain. My East Coast ear guy (I have an ear guy on each coast), said, "These cysts are always benign -- but if you leave them alone, they'll keep growing, make you deaf, destroy your balance, paralyze all the muscles in at least one side of your face, and eventually, they can kill you." His definition of "benign" and mine differed.

So, why did this happen to me? (Besides the obvious "I angered the evil spirits" or the more accurate "we live in a random godless universe full of pain.") And the an swer comes back: Overly aggressive compulsive aural hygiene.

The one-word, brand name answer is "Q-Tips."

When you walk into an ear specialist, the first question is, "Do you use Q-Tips?" And if you 'fess up, it's like you just coughed out "Pall Mall" to you r pulmonary specialist. He figured I had taken all the protective wax out of my ear and given myself constant nano-nicks with the devil's little cotton pitchfork. As I got deeper into middle age, the tiny infections ate a little hole in my eardrum.< tt> My West Coast ear guy (who's actually the one who sliced my ear off and crawled around in there), said it wasn't Q-Tips.

West Coast guys are more accepting. They're more likely to blame evil spirits.

Want the details? Using my Q-Tip, I would probe that little hot pink aural canal every day all the way to the hearing maidenhead and, well, I finally popped the audio cherry . It necessitated this serious operation. Thanks to modern medical science, after another operation in about a year (time for another Stones tour?), I'll have my full hearing back.

I have no one to blame. I sure can't blame Q-Tips: They put the warning right on the box . It made it very clear that I should use their product for anything but what I was using them for. (In my defens e, in a day and age when there are warnings on McDonald's coffee that "coffee is hot," it's pretty easy to get used to ignoring warnings.) I have no beef with Q-Tips (they have their hands full with that unauthorized Q-Tip site). Everyone -- boy scouts, health class, the "smaller than your elbow" rule -- warned us all repeatedly. You've been warned plenty, but if you were waiting for some big ugly temporarily-stone-deaf-in-his-left-ear magic/comedy guy to tell you not to stick Q-Tips in your ear canal in an EXcite column, it's time to listen up.

Don't stick Q-Tips in your ears! (For you Jeff Foxworthy fans: "Don't stick Chevy keys in your ears!") Not ever.