"What do you think is the epitome of laziness?' I asked my friends over the next several days (and grocery store clerk, dry-cleaner cashier, and assorted waitresses).But being in a restaurant in my pajamas might still take the cake - well, actually, the turtle sundae. |
When I finally returned to Judge-Who-Throws-Pencils' courtroom, he said, "Ms. Nimerichter, that was the most extreme stunt I have ever seen an attorney pull to get out of a trial." And then he almost smiled. |
I sit quietly, saying my mantra in my head: Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue, patience is ...
There will be two or three more of these little irritations during the day. |
We needed to match the trim, which was already white. We must have laid 50 chips of white paint next to the trim in our search for a perfect match.
We started with "Pure White." Frankly, I think "Pure White" has been up to some hanky-panky, because she did not look as pure as "Decorator's White" or even "Cloud Cover." |
I admit I am talkative. I've never - even once - been able to give anyone the silent treatment. I always want to have the last word. (And the first and middle words, too!)
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Ever since I was a child, Dad's humor has eased the stressful times. Back then, when I occasionally stumbled, Dad would make sure I wasn't badly hurt - and then he would burst out laughing. Describing my funny fall, he would make me giggle until I forgot my pain and embarrassment. These last few weeks, he has been doing that for his grown-up children as he endures his own pain. |
When Ted retired in 2000, he wanted to take a long trip. Thrilled, I peppered him with ideas: an African safari, the Australian Outback, perhaps the rivers of Europe. He picked an eight-week car trip. |
When Ted retired in 2000, he wanted to take a long trip. Thrilled, I peppered him with ideas: an African safari, the Australian Outback, perhaps the rivers of Europe. He picked an eight-week car trip. |
Buy something at a second-hand shop? Never! But one morning, while marking down items, I had an epiphany. I spotted a blue skirt. The color was like a beautiful summer sky, like the water off the shores of Bermuda. |
I cannot believe that I am spending good money to experience pain - money which could buy new shoes, vacations, gifts for the grandchildren, or new shoes, is now going to someone who yells at me while I do embarrassing things with my legs. |
Saying a mouth full: 'Men use about 7,000 words a day, women about 20,000.' Do you think that is true?" |
On a whine and a prayer: "Grouchy" and "cranky" are two of the nicer words he used to describe me for the two weeks or so that I was deprived of my morning elixir that Lenten season. |
Knights of the right table: To the outside world, he must look like the quintessential gentleman, awaiting his lady's comfort. However, he is only waiting to see if I am going to stay seated. |
If there are no parking spots open, but I need to drop something off, how can I make it happen? My generation was catered to and we do not think we are meant to be inconvenienced. |
So here we are on our third day at a lovely resort on the Pacific coast of Mexico with a friendly staff, beautiful views, a lovely pool and drinkable water - and ice. Who could complain?
Well, ME! |
All the test computers were programmed to shut down after three questions were answered incorrectly. The reason so many people were at their screens for a short time was because they had failed the test. |
I love Ted tremendously, but I have to remind myself that this is a man who likes to have a ham sandwich for lunch - 365 days a year. Perhaps twice a week, for more than 20 years, I have asked him, "What would you like for dinner?" Each of the 2,080 answers has been: "Steak." |
I love Ted tremendously, but I have to remind myself that this is a man who likes to have a ham sandwich for lunch - 365 days a year. Perhaps twice a week, for more than 20 years, I have asked him, "What would you like for dinner?" Each of the 2,080 answers has been: "Steak."
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I am not sure why this is important to me, but it is. It is a badge of honor I must earn. (All you other second wives out there might not admit it out loud - but you want it, too!) Ted's first marriage was not short: 18 years and seven months from wedding to final decree. I must beat that record - and I will be peeved if a little thing like a fatal car accident stands in my way! |
Don't get in between a wife and the television during the Academy Awards, unless you train for it by interrupting a husband's view of the Super Bowl. Just keep the Chardonnay coming, and the bathroom free during commercials. |
I am not sure why this is important to me, but it is. It is a badge of honor I must earn. (All you other second wives out there might not admit it out loud - but you want it, too!) Ted's first marriage was not short: 18 years and seven months from wedding to final decree. I must beat that record - and I will be peeved if a little thing like a fatal car accident stands in my way!
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My anxiety while flying is bigger than any airplane ever manufactured. First, the thought of being in a tin can for hours with no escape is stressful for someone with a mild case of claustrophobia. Being in the middle seat makes it worse. |
All of my life, I had assumed that tattoos were only for bikers, Marines, loose women and drunks. And that impression had not changed much during the last couple of years, when low-riding pants have allowed me glimpses of tattoos on the backsides of too many young women.
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I called the customer service department to complain about a $25.65 charge on our monthly phone bill for a 19-minute phone call to Taiwan. Neither Ted nor I have ever called Taiwan. We do not know anyone who lives there. We are not sure we know anyone who has ever visited there.
"Vell, someone must have come into your house and made the call. Perhaps you had a party."
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I found dresses and blouses that still had the price tags on them. I found items I loved 20 years ago. And items I did not remember buying or wearing.
This hurts to admit but I must acknowledge that I will never again wear a size 10 or below. So I pulled out all the small sizes. I tried not to be nostalgic for either a different era or a smaller body. And I filled up six large shopping bags, putting close calls in the recycle bin. Until ....
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At 50, you really have to acknowledge that the chances of living another 50 years are slim. You are over the hump. So why do people make jokes about a topic that is so unfunny. ("Well, the good news is that in a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.") The insensitivity of people, even my close friends, astounds me. ("You can quit holding your stomach in now because nobody notices you anymore anyway.")
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What he did was stand, look at the floor, kick his toe into the podium, and loudly stammer, "Sorry." The word sorry came out as "Torry." He did not sound sorry at all. Well, maybe sorry he got caught. |
When we go out for dinner and I notice a couple dining but not talking with each other, it strikes me as sad. When I remark upon the scene, Ted will invariably respond, "Isn't it nice that they are so comfortable with each other that they do not need to chatter?" |
There are rules that must be observed, of course, to turn out a successful holiday letter. First, you must have something to say. A high school friend once sent me a letter and the biggest event of her year was the purchase of a futon. If the purchase of a futon is the highlight of your year, do not waste time writing a letter. Go search for some fun.
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Ted and I had one rule going into the remodeling: Only one of the two of us could be crazy on any given day. We hoped this would allow us to focus our agitation on the source of the problem and not on each other. (You know how that happens: "Whose stupid idea was it to put in wood flooring anyway?" "Well, who could not be satisfied with the standard oak floor but had to have something special shipped in from Tanzania at a cost of a gazillion dollars?")
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The no-gift-giving decision grew out of the fact that my sister Jodee cannot be with us this Christmas. Her husband has started a new job and they will stay home in Manhattan. To avoid shipping hassles, it was agreed by all (well, by all the shoppers which means all the women) that we would not exchange gifts. I heard my mother agree to this in September.
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The guy who wrote sports articles when I was editor of the school newspaper is now the governor-elect of my state. You look like you are going to say that high school was more than 30 years ago. The smile is the same but what are those crinkles around his eyes?
And now he is going to be the next governor of Colorado! Which is good because he has lots of energy. He is quite young. Like me. We went to high school together, you know. Just a few years back.
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Now when we sit down to Christmas dinner, we are a United Nations: people born in five countries on four continents with a contingent of beautiful mixed race children. It has been an interesting ride to see such inclusiveness incrementally creep into my family over my lifetime. Maybe Grandpa would have had trouble accepting his new descendants had he lived to see them. |
We went to a big mall and our first venture was into a national discount store. Andrea was positive this would be the place where she would find the perfect dress. She found a few dresses to try on. I suggested a couple of others. My ideas were met with rolled eyeballs. She came out of the dressing room in three of the chosen dresses. Each was very low cut. And she had nothing to hold them up. Or fill them out.
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I married Ted because I was crazy in love-yet there was no doubt but that he was a nerd. There was a lot of retooling to be done. The most important item to change, in my view, was his pants. He bought his pants from the back of the T.V. Guide! They cost $19.99 - for two pairs. They were 100% polyester - not the nice kind you can buy now but the thick, coarse, gross stuff. They had no style. They bunched in the crotch. Dreadful things! |
A worse fear: Was it caused by my new boots?
On Monday afternoon, although it was a cold January day, I went to a meeting wearing flimsy sandals. My friend Mary Ellen glanced at my toe and diagnosed my condition with confidence, "You have gout."
"Gout? I can't have gout. That's what old men get."
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I will never do it again. A 250-mile bike ride is not for me. I am still shellshocked that I signed up and went on this adventure. I did ride 140 miles of it - the other 110 of the mostly uphill miles were in the sag van. A sag wagon is the support and gear vehicle. Or the "take me to the top of this stupid mountain" vehicle.
I will never do it again. |
I will reach a point when I try to lose some of the excess I carry around. But I am not postponing my life until then. I am happy, strong, active, and a fun person to be around - if I do say so myself!
Now, what problem in your life would you like MY advice on? |
Okay, I am not tall and blonde and do not look good in leather pants like my friend Jacqueline does. But I want some acknowledgment that Ted married well. Not just well - hell, "well" can be as simple as a good personality - but married a much younger woman in his middle-age madness!
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I am not athletic - never have been. I play a little golf - nine holes are plenty for me. I bicycle for recreation - usually to a restaurant for a breakfast burrito. I walk - at a leisurely pace. I go to the gym, but only because my doctor tells me I have to - and he cannot make me like it.
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I attribute my love of shoes to the fact that they always fit me, whereas clothes do not. As I yo-yoed my entire life from pleasantly plump to fat, several dress sizes hung in my closet. But whatever my weight, my cream mesh stilettos with real pearls sewn on or my black macho Harley Davidson boots would still fit.
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After a three-hour dinner, we made moves to get up but one of us, I think it was me, suggested a nightcap. As our waiter approached with our last round, he tripped just before reaching our booth. The bottle of beer which I had ordered flew up in the air, made a top-over-bottom flip, and landed back on the tray, standing upright as if nothing had happened. It seemed like a good sign to me.
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