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| Problems of Delayed Adulthood: Don't Forget the Simple Remedy | ||
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January 5, 2008
Back on December 8th, the N.Y. Times ran a column entitled "A Challenge for Churches: Adulthood Takes Its Time" by Peter Steinfels, who outlined the insights of two sociologists of religion on delayed adulthood, "a time between ages 18 and 30 or so, when marriage and parenthood are often delayed, formal schooling is prolonged, job switching is frequent and parental support extended." Sociologist Christian Smith (the more astute of the experts, in my opinion) is quoted at length in the article:
"[T]hese are crucial years in the formation of personal identity, behavior patterns and social relationships." One returns a different person, possibly formed quite independently of any earlier faith, certainly of any participation in a religious community (Steinfels, N.Y. Times, 12/8/07).
In addition to those fortunate enough to get parental support, we also have to think of the legions who do not get extended parental support of any kind, but still navigate these years of delayed adulthood with even more vulnerability by going from one makeshift domestic arrangement to another in search of a stable economic household of some kind. This reality further emphasizes the importance of this comment:
Professor Smith puts "sex, cohabitation and marriage" (in that order) squarely on the table as "key dimensions" of the changed situation. Any emerging adults who want to abide by traditional strictures against premarital sex, he says, "face a very difficult peer culture in which to live (Ibid, emphasis added)."
In the phrase "in that order," we have the crucial key to what is happening in delayed adulthood: the American way of relating male and female has three steps (I can't call it courtship without being sacrilegious). First, sex. Second, cohabitation. Last of all, possibly marriage with one of the several or many who have been partners in sex and/or sexual cohabitation. The introduction is sex. Then, marriage is mocked in realistic detail by the involved mimicry of sexual cohabitation with whoever is willing and able to split the rent. Finally, someone along the way becomes the eventual marriage partner when no one else is left standing. Notice what this sequence does to marriage. First, the sexual act is totally divorced from any unique marital meaning or expression. Second, the act of sharing a roof, bed, and financial expenses is also divorced from and ripped out of marriage. Unsurprisingly, the eventual marriage ends up as fundamentally meaningless — it's just the last stop on a long, crowded bus ride when, finally, there is nowhere else to go. We should thus not be surprised that many marriages end or that many of those that last are really de facto, empty shells enveloped in social denial.
Smith proposes earlier marriages as a solution:
Professor Smith jumps in with the idea that perhaps parents, who already offer their adult offspring considerable financial and caretaking support, should challenge the cultural assumption that marriage ought to await financial independence. Instead, they should provide social and financial support for marriage in the early 20s rather than the late. "Teenage marriage is the best recipe for divorce," he writes, "but marriage in the 20s itself is not."
"A good argument can be made that true, authentic selves are made more than found," he writes. "It is arguably as much or more by making and keeping promises than by dabbling and deferring that we come to know who we as persons really are and are called to become (Ibid)."
For those parents and young adults who have the financial means, I think Smith's suggestion is worth very serious consideration. But many are not in that situation of extended parental financial support. This otherwise fine article, not surprisingly, evades two fundamental issues: chastity and contraception. Delaying marriage poses no hazard to personal development or to a future marriage if the young adult reserves sex for the end of the journey — for marriage. As Smith points out, chastity is very difficult in today's peer culture. Imagine the plight of a virgin in today's typical coed college dorm. He or she is likely surrounded by casual sex and sex acts taking place all over the place, with such acts being the constant theme of gossip. That's why young adults need to maintain contact with other young adults in a church where chastity is encouraged. That's why college choices and living arrangements are so crucial.
The other topic avoided is contraception. Even if we have earlier marriages, the focus will still be on delaying children through contraception so that studies can be continued with minimum interruption. As a Catholic, I view contraception even within marriage as deforming the marriage and the meaning of the marital act. The marriage becomes a form of playacting — it's not the real thing if fertility is medicated out of existence. In early marriages, where there are good, serious reasons to delay having children, natural family planning is the alternative that respects fertility and the life-giving meaning of the sex act. Yet, there is a very simple remedy that avoids and leaps over all of these complications and issues about child-bearing. The need for such a straightforward remedy is why I come back to the theme of chastity — better to delay marriage as a chaste person than to enter a contraceptive marriage that disfigures the meaning of marriage as procreative.
Some young adults, with extended parental support and great maturity, will be able to take the route of marriages in their early 20s. (By the way, one Catholic writer I admire on this topic suggests, based on his experience, that marriage in one's late twenties is better — so not all who have considered the issue are in agreement as to the best timing.) Yet, I suspect that, given our educational system, many will continue to delay marriage for financial and academic reasons. Most importantly, many should also delay marriage simply because they have not yet found the one person God wants them to marry. If you are not praying for and about your future spouse, even if as yet their identity is unrevealed to you, you are already setting the stage for a very risky and likely traumatic gamble. I heard someone say it to a group of teens, and I have to repeat it to myself and to all of us, regardless of age: if you can't truthfully say that your most important relationship is with Jesus, you are not ready to have a relationship of any kind with anyone of the opposite sex. In addition, no one should settle for a mismatch in maturity and interests just to get hitched early based on the advice of a sociologist. The vagaries of different human situations, personalities, economic circumstances, and levels of maturity require maximum freedom for deciding when and whom to marry. We can get that maximum and flexible freedom in a way that does not harm our personal development by being chaste — by reserving sex for marriage. In my view, the solution is not to urge everyone to marry earlier — although that is an alternative that should not be automatically pushed aside or ignored, but rather to urge everyone to reserve sex for marriage during these crucial years when one's personality is being formed. If you are chaste, the exact timing of your marriage will not be crucial and need not be put on a fast track according to the latest sociological findings. If you are chaste, you get the maximum freedom and flexibility suited to your own particular circumstances, talents, dreams, and level of maturity, without losing in the process your soul and your capacity to love fully. That's the easiest formula for dealing with delayed adulthood — not trying to engineer a cookie cutter rush to earlier marriages for everyone.
God loves you .
Of maturity, one simple answer is to 'grow up, and keep growing up'. That doesn't seem very popular nowadays.
Of maturity in personal spirituality, relationships and toward marriage, I have a book that I am s-l-o-w-l-y reading, for all my 'corrective' comments, that I want to give to my granddaughter. Written by a lady named Susan Piver, it is the hard questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do". (http://www.amazon.com/Hard-Questions-100-Essential-Before/dp/1585420042/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1199547128&sr=1-1)
If any know a better book, let us all know. Susan Piver seems astute and mature - just not Christian let alone Catholic in orientation. E.g., she lived with her eventual husband for a few years before even considering marriage; and these questions came out of her intense internal debate about 'giving up her freedom'. More modern absurd-o-blarney.
I want to get this to my granddaughter before she distances herself generation-wise, and before she just might get into sex and so-called 'love' which will cloud her judgment.
With my exhaustive comments appended in the book at the pertinent pages, I am steering toward abstinent chastity before marriage. This, as well as supporting asking tough questions that will help any couple decide on compatibility, and knowing just where they are coming from, one to the other. A couple need not fully agree, but they simply must know and understand. The book is (and I am) concerned for the important issues (and the chapter headings): Home, Money, Work, Sex, Health and Food, Family, Children, Community and Friends, Spiritual Life.
I was blessed with a future Missus in my late wife, Sharon; with whom I spent hours and hours sitting on opposite ends of the front seat of my car talking out such tough issues; about which she was 95% responsible that we were so importantly involved. As well, note that we had established up-front that our answers amounted to the 'fine print' of our marriage contract. Most if not nearly all couples avoid these isuues for being 'UGH'-ly awkward on just what to say and ask, the apparent lack of 'romance' and - frankly, sex. (I once broke up an engagement by asking the simple question: "how many kids do you want?" Her - 'four' - him - 'NONE'. "OOPS!" But, how had they become engaged without asking each other that question!??)
Remember, I love you, too .
In our delighted glory in our Infant King,
Pristinus Sapienter
(wljewell @catholicexchange.com or ... yahoo.com)
Submitted by wljewell on Sat, 01/05/2008 - 10:00am.
It is most interesting to find this article this morning. Two other moms and I were just discussing this very thing. We are in a unique situation. We have been part of a very vibrant faithful Catholic homeschool environment, and now a faithful Catholic middle/high school environment.
Our teens have been inculcated with solid teaching and have taken "Theology of the Body for Teens" course. They grew up with the focus on Jesus as their first and most important relationship, and learning how to be and being friends with the opposite sex, praying for their friends future vocations, and praying for their future spouses and their families.
We are seeing that the kids exhibit a level of maturity in a good way that is just not found in the general population of teens. We've been discussing that apart from the financial aspect these kids could be ready for marriage very soon out of high school. This article gives us more to ponder and add to our discussion.
How does one lend extended parental support without creating dependency, as kids who might not have a work direction, much less a means of financial support for a new family, could be dependent for quite some time, while education is being completed, vocational direction decided, employment secured, and financial stability attained. I just think of how long it took my husband and me! And we're still at times financially precarious.
Also, what about the option of working while going to school? One of our moms pointed out the loss to society of so many productive years while waiting for these young adults to complete lengthy years of education, and that with lower numbers of young people our society can little afford to lose this productivity, as it could with our (speaking of the baby boomers) generation since there were so many of us - many went right to work, allowing many of us to prolong our youth and education.
I often think it would have been much better for me to have gotten into the "real world" and begun working sooner, rather than to have put off having to face reality while I complete a Master's Degree which I have never used.
Submitted by RWW on Sat, 01/05/2008 - 10:07am.
I'd caution that delaying marriage could very well be a hazard to personal development and a future marriage in that it may very well mean either no children or less children. Fertility rates continue to decline and secondary infertility is on the rise. It isn't fair to presune that if you wait to get married you will be able to have children. The Church asks us to choose a vocation; therefore, it is rather ironic that even in solid Catholic circles marriage is vocally discouraged while higher education is seen as an unquestionable obligation. Young people can do both and often do so while learning the true meaning of service and sacrifice.
Submitted by beate on Sat, 01/05/2008 - 2:31pm.
I got married young (22; my husband was 29). If I had the chance to do it over, I would do the same. We did use NFP to postpone starting our family until we were on more solid financial footing although we would have welcomed a child if God had sent one. I do understand the reasons why people delay marriage today but I think early marriage can be a good thing. While chastity is certainly desirable, if you have met the right person, an extended engagement of many years maintaining celibacy is often not realistic. It is better to get married and have that outlet for sexual expression. God gave us our sexuality as a gift for marriage.
Submitted by pfmacarthur on Sat, 01/05/2008 - 4:03pm.
Pristinus Sapienter —
You might also consider the following book for your granddaughter: "The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband" by Steve Wood.
It is VERY Catholic, and has come highly recommended. I even know one young married couple who used it as a "marriage improvement" tool.
I hear that there is a newer version for young men, too.
Guitarmom
Submitted by guitarmom on Sat, 01/05/2008 - 7:03pm.
My son is 22, and he lives at home while he works & goes to college. He has a steady girlfriend from church & they have been dating over 2 years now. But, I worry if they continue to have a chaste relationship.
I talked to my son about it. We would welcome his girlfriend as his wife if he chooses to get married & we would continue to help them get on their feet financially. There isn't anything wrong with a little efficiency apartment with some second hand furniture. There are ways to have a decent life, even if you purchase things from Goodwill & the Dollar Store, take your lunch to work or school & cook all of your meals at home. Some newly weds ride a bus, use less airconditioning, drive a second hand car, do not eat out and even dry their clothes on a clothes line. Necessity is the mother of invention.
Many young people are unwilling to accept "poverty" as newlyweds today. They want to walk out into a life as good as their parents have, after a lifetime of working.
I remember that I could only afford to buy my husband a package of socks our first Christmas together. But, he didn't care. We loved each other and we still do. That is what really matters.
Submitted by laurak on Sat, 01/05/2008 - 7:29pm.
The older generation would prefer if their children did not have sex until after marriage. However if the children do, perhaps it is best not to lose their friendship and break up the family.
Being a parent nowadays is difficult, especially since some girs mature at three and boys at thirty three.
God bless,
NoelFitz.
_________________________________________________
In necessariis, unitas; in dubiis, libertas; in omnibus, caritas.
_________________________________________________
Submitted by noelfitz on Sat, 01/05/2008 - 8:08pm.
noelfitz,
How much mortal sin should we permit under our roof?
At what point does such permissiveness undermine not only our children's, but our own beliefs?
Not easy questions, I am afraid.
Submitted by Protect the Rock on Sun, 01/06/2008 - 8:29am.
Guitarmom,
I was going to recommend the same book.
I felt odd reading this article, I guess because I didn't realize how "strange" I am, having gotten married when I was 21...coming up on my 20th anniversary in May!
NoelFitz,
What you suggest is in direct contradiction to what Jesus preached.
" He that loveth father or mother more than me, is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter more than me, is not worthy of me." Matt 10:37 (Douay-Rheims)
We are not doing anyone any favors by allowing our children to continue in mortal sin and pretending that it's not happening in order to "keep peace" in the family. We endanger both their souls and our own.
Submitted by staceyjohnson on Sun, 01/06/2008 - 8:57am.
Hi PTR and Staceyjohnson
Thank you for your replies to me.
I think the answer is to discern.
One wants to do what is really best for our children.
Before Christmas our priest shared some thoughts at Mass. He said parents, especially mothers, asked him to go easy on their children who would be attending Mass at Christmas, maybe the first time since Eaastrer. The priest was in a quandary about how to welcome these young folk back to Mass, yet discourage them from receiving, unless they were reconciled with the Church.
As usual he did a great job.
God bless,
NoelFitz.
_________________________________________________
In necessariis, unitas; in dubiis, libertas; in omnibus, caritas.
_________________________________________________
Submitted by noelfitz on Sun, 01/06/2008 - 9:50am.
"Delaying marriage poses no hazard to personal development or to a future marriage if the young adult reserves sex for the end of the journey — for marriage."
Yes, it does. It poses several risks, not only to personal development but very real physical risks to women. Fertility for women is optimum between 17 and 24, this is simple science. It decreases steadily through the late 20's and 30's. Physically pregnancy is much easier for the 20 something then the 30 or 40 something. Not that women in their 30's and 40's can't and don't love being pregnant but this has been true for me and for many other women I have been in contact with throughout the years.
Another real risk is women's risk of breast cancer. The later a woman experiences her first full term pregnancy the more her risk of breast cancer increases.
As for personal development, one can take the stand that delaying marriage and focusing on only oneself can be hazardous to one's development.
For the folks worried about NoelFitz's comments, he did not say to approve of the actions but to maintain the relationship. You will never be able to influence in a positive manner people with whom you have no relationship and that includes your own children. I'm continually stunned by Catholics who treat their children as if they are not equal in human dignity and worthy of respect.
God bless ~
married in 1989 at 20 to Bill now 39 and mom to seven ages 18 to one
Submitted by Sabine_s on Sun, 01/06/2008 - 1:33pm.
It's amazing that this issue of delaying adult responsibilities seems to boil down to sexual intercourse. No wonder God chose to image his relationship with his Chosen People in such a language. Understanding this language, called Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul the Great, and living it will obviate any desire to fornicate and speak the language of a lie.
Just as priests are chaste for their beloved, unmarried people can be chaste too. (Indeed, we're all called to chastity within our state in life.)
I do understan the progressive nature of growing in holiness, therefore, parents need live the truth within their state of life and continue to call their children--of all ages-- to embrace reality and not the false promises of a pagan life.
(addendum: my sister informed me that young men in their early 20s are starting to get vasectomies so they can fornicate without marriage EVER being on the horizon. The despair of such an act saddens me beyond measure. I think we should all offer up the suffering of living our state in life chastely for our young people who seem without hope. Christopher West actually calls the marriage bed the "alter" upon which married couples offer up the consumation of their love...if you've never pondered the mysterious sacrificial nature of married sexual love, I would recommend spending time doing so. Your love for your spouse and for God will increase.)
Thanks for this discussion. It is truly needed....we are created male and female and sexual beings for a reason. We as integrated people need to be led in this study by the Church....so, priests, if you're out there reading these posts, how about a few homilies on topic?
Submitted by elkabrikir on Sun, 01/06/2008 - 1:50pm.
There's no easy solution to this problem, that's for sure. The Catholic Church in the U.S. pretty much gave up the fight on the chastity front almost right after the close of Vatican II (ditto its surrender to the pervasive contraceptive culture). Look where all that "progressive" Catholic teaching has gotten us: Catholic youth are no more likely to pursue a chaste and celibate life than their unchurched counterparts. Don't count on today's Catholic families (with rare exceptions) to provide much support. Catholic parents now raising teens were themselves the object of "progressive" moral theology back in the '60's and '70's, so unless they have taken a pro-active approach and embraced true Catholic teaching in these matters, and then introduced these moral principles into their family "culture," one can only anticipate the recurring cycle of "sex, cohabitation, then (maybe) marriage" to remain the rule rather than the exception.