F l a k   M a g a z i n e   L e t t e r s:
Year 2003, Jan-Apr

Flak welcomes any and all feedback from its readers. Due to quality constraints, not all letters can be printed in their entirety. Letters will be edited for length and appropriateness. Please send your letters to the writer of the piece you'd like to comment on. Send general letters to letters@flakmag.com.

Just a quick thank you for the thoughtful summary of why "Ed" was one of the great unappreciated shows of the last few years. I could never remember when it was on, but every time I caught it, I was entertained and I appreciated that they didn't treat the viewer like an idiot. Your story summed it up perfectly: it's the perfect ending to a very good show. RIP.

Thanks.

— Jeffrey Kronk

...but you missed the point entirely on Far From Heaven.

It is not about inert targets or dead issues. It's a looking glass into the here and now. A lot of people missed this. Even a great number of fans of the film. But for all its loveliness it's a pretty angry film about the neoconservatism sweeping our country. The film is so visually hypnotic that it's easy to stay with it on the period level... and certainly there's an argument to be made (though I don't particularly agree with it) that Haynes obsession with capturing the feel of 50s melodrama limits its accessibility to be understood as a contemporary film.

The USA hasn't been this conservative since the '50s. The new accepted racism (people of arabic dissent) and prejudice (anti-war protesters and anyone concerned with our current administrations neoMcCarthyism when it comes to profiling and keeping "records" of people) that run rampant currently only show how little we've progressed. Racism and homophobia are still alive and well, albeit in less conspicuous forms. And societal repression of individual quirks is also still very much in vogue -and probably always will be.

There are several good reviews on this picture that point out its contemporary relevance that you might want to check out.

Or this top ten note from Private Joker: "By placing this devastating elegy bemoaning intolerance and misogyny in the context of a 1950s Douglas Sirk melodrama, modernist director Todd Haynes was able to comment both on the prejudices of society and on the disparity between how much we think we've advanced (both cinematically and socially) in 50 years and how little we actually have..."

Just a thought
Nathaniel Rogers

how about roy williams? how do you think he'll fare with his woodenized position? after all, we're not just talking about just anybody from in-house. if he had won the national championship this year, the job at kansas could be considered woodenized. or, do you think this just applies to in-house replacements that are assistant coaches, etc...?

btw, my blog is the one that you linked to in this week's column, 'pimped-out suits.' i'm glad to have found your column. keep up the good work.

— eric lee

I liked your essay on this late snowfall, particularly since I know the Long Island "mentality" having grown up in North Babylon, and schooled at St. Cyrils on Deer Park Avenue.

My sister up in St. James was hoarding water last month, and was shocked when I told her I'd intended to become one of the chopper-riding post-apocalyptic gangs.

Glad to see Deer Park has writers in its midst.

Stephen Bracco

Hi Jim,

I just read your flakmag review and couldn't agree more.

I belong to a film discussion ListServ organised by DVDbeaver.com.

I just saw the film on DVD last night and unwittingly posted my thoughts. Boy did I get hammered by all the Haynes cheerleaders!

I mentioned that the film, although beautiful, seemed to me a style-excercise and thinly vieled remake of Douglas Sirk's All That Heaven Allows, with additional cinematic grafting. They all seemed so moved by those very things that to you and I seem are so darn obvious.

The Black gardener, closeted gay husband....the horror, the horror. I was told that Haynes is making a political point by "showing" homosexual embrace and confronting interracial love. DOH! I can't beieve that all these people find this stuff so revelatory. Like you, I feel what the film does tackle is constrained by its overt adherance to Sirk.

Indeed I feel Haynes is blatently ripping-off here, and reaping the rewards on Sirks' stylistic back. All he has done is make a Sirk film and take the originally subtle undercurrent to the surface. Ok Todd....I own the Sirk DVDs. He did those films better (especially when you consider the studio system he worked within). Been there, done that.

Anyways, I was glad to find someone else out there in cyberspace who hasn't fallen absolutly ga-ga for this one.

Cheers!!!
Peter Mann

I thought shysters were out of business? I was surfing the Net and decided to enter "free horoscope." After discovering that I was a shy/outgoing introvert/extrovert with suicidal/homicidal tendencies, I happened upon Sara's site, for about 2 seconds. Who falls for that guff? I'll tell you: the lonely, desperate and superstitious among us that would have previously sent a money order for $8.95 plus tax for a similar result. Thanks for your article; a breath of fresh air from this insidious nonsense. I wonder how much these people make in a year.

Ty Newnham,
South Australia

Ms Rowinsky:

I loved your article about MTVs Sorority Life II With DZO. As a member of a sorority I have not been able to verbalize how ridiculous I think the women of DZO are from their lack of an organized rush program to their complete hypocrisy. While watching it I normally stare at the tv with my mouth wide open. You have summed up everything that I have felt for the last few weeks.

Very well written and really funny!!

HE WILL GET HIS SCORING TITLE AND YOU ARE A DICK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Risen,

I'm sure someone will have written this to you before I have, but even then it'd bear repeating. I think you're wrong about oil and the war -- this war IS fought in large part for oil.

You're confusing two widely different oil issues: access and control. Sure, we may be able to find different places for access, to sustain our economy and military, but having _control_ over the 2d largest oil reserves in the world gives the US an immense strategic advantage over Europe, East Asia, and of course the rest of the world. The point is not merely to secure our own fount of consumption, but to have 'our hand on the spigot' for other nations as well. (This is particularly important because the earth's oil reserves are quickly becoming depleted [perhaps only a few more decades left], making the stuff even more valuable.) The US would be able to deny access to potential rivals and reward potential allies and client states, thus ensuring global dominance for some time to come.

Mother Jones: The Thirty-Year Itch

Some may call this latter-day imperialism, others even toss around conspiracy, but whatever its name, it seems like hum-drum realpolitik to me. This isn't found only in the shrieks of the mad Left, but in the thoughts and plans of our Kissingers and Rumsfelds as well.

Regards,
Marcus Karr

Good to see you get the race reference into your remarks about Kentucky.

I know that "Sports Writing 101" devotes at least one whole class on how to fit in a reference to UK racism into any mention of UK basketball. You had to stretch however when you slipped in your race remark under the "payoffs" category. Gotta give you a C- there.

Can't complain about the rest of the accusations however. I still have doubts about the Emory episode. Would YOU send a boxful of cash through a delivery service when arrangements could easily be made to deliver the money in person? And even if you would have sent cash would YOU not have made a great effort to seal the container in such a way that it couldn't be casually opened? Smells like a possible setup to me.

[For many, many more letters about this column, go to our special letters section]

Mr. Bob Cook,

I was delighted to see your honest review of the "Michael Essany Show." I have just launched a website of, shall we say, "dissent" against the show. 12 hours old, it is still in its formative stages but I will support the cause as long as it is necessary to navigate anti-Essany emails to the E! network.

cheers,

The League Against Michael Essany

Hi Bob,

I read your article on Miller Lite.

Your opinions amaze me.

What is offensive about "Swedish Bikini Team"?

They were blondes in bikinis parachuting onto a beach.

Explain to me — in your grand wisdom, how that is offensive?

Defend your opinions if you believe in them

Mitch Langhart

Alissa:

I just read both your "Sorority Life" and "Venus razor" critique and if I wasn't a big homo, I'd be in love. Thanks for making me laugh out loud, alarming my co-workers.

Cheers.

Roger Jordan — fabulous homosexual groupie

You are absolutly right about this guy — he's gone from being a mildly amusing teenager to a rather disturbing young adult. I have to take a shower everytime I go past the E! Channel.

Sincerely,
Janet B. Lawson
www.kdfc.com

Stephanie,

Please. I strongly disagree with the premise of your article. What exactly is wrong with an editor that fears for his publication and his country asking for those that like what they read to support it, when things are so dire in his mind? You seem to agree with his premise that, they are doing what it takes to survive in a time where freedom of speech is becoming a valuable commodity. You seem to think it is important. Would you have time magazine or CNN stop taking advertising at this time? Yeah right.

The survival of Salon is important to me as an American and the increasing "you are not an American if you do not support this war" rhetoric of the administration makes me think it is all the more important. Your commentary borders on their rhetoric.

This is a scary time for our foundations. It's not like Salon is making a fortune on this deal. This is no different the the ads on the Time pages next to articles by their embedded reporters. What better time to point out their independence and value to people that believe in freedom than now. Really, the old if you do not support this war, means you do not support our soldiers argument is ridiculous.

Brad

Hi,

Through Buzzflash, I was directed to Poynter, and then to your article about reporters having to curry favor now at the White House to get an interview, and then, forced to have someone else dictating how words ought be arranged for a more flattering, attributing view of the White House inhabitants.

Thanks for bringing this to the attention of the "public." I am a newshound and have a list of investigative reporting websites I depend on for news, (particularly since NOW WITH BILL MOYERS, has been bounced off public television stations in 13 cities, and now Donahue, despite rising popularity, was fired by MSNBC) one of my favorites is Charles Lewis's, publicintegrity.org. Have you visited there? He has a humdinger bit of info there at the moment... the PATRIOT ACT II paper that the Justice Dept (allegedly) said didn't exist, plus a cover letter that proves the Patriot Act II paper had been sent to Sen. Hastert and Dick Cheney for their approval. Incredible. The paper is there for you to read, it is chilling.

It is the death knell of the Constitution, is what it is.

I just wanted to write and let you know how much I appreciated what you wrote about, and then I had a brief, but wonderful fantasy about what would Happen if the White House gave a press conference and not one journalist showed up!!!!! I WOULD LOVE IT.... What a statement that would make!

No falling to the knees for crumbs from the bushies... But journalists standing up on both feet and walking out... until...

Sincerely,
Donna

While I realize that to a certain extent you are merely reporting what is happening, you also inserted some judgemnets into your article "The Crumbling Knesset" to which I take adamant exception. The idea that democracy should require compromise or that a government should be stable is simply wrong. Governments should remain as instable as possible, for only then do they remain subject to the will of the people.

Suggesting that a stable government is better than a proper range of choices is a disgusting misunderstanding of the principles of democracy. Of the nations that call themselves democracies, the United States is among the worst, especially now as it has begun restricting civil liberties, coordinating more and more with big business, taking the needs of people less into consideration, and generally moving quickly toward fascism.

Israel and Italy are lucky to have governments that are responsive to their populations, and I wish we could have such a system here. I hope for the sake of the people of Israel that they never create single-member districts. That is among the worst aspects of the American system, and one which I would hope that someday we will be able to discard.

It is a shame that with such a diverse spectrum of public opinion in Israel that they cannot get a madman like Sharon out of office, but I guess there are enough simple conservatives everywhere to prevent progress.

Peace,
Scott Trimble

Frankly, Billy Joel's "The Entertainer" would have been a better fit for Iraq. Maybe they couldn't translate "I won't be here in another year/ If I don't stay on the charts."

Tom Keiser
Audubon, New Jersey

I just read your page on shaving with Bay Rum, and it was hilarious but so true! I bought some Burt's Bees after shave a month ago and had to go back for the cologne just so I'd have something to put on more often than just when I shave. I swear I could nearly get off smelling that stuff! I was doing a net search for shaving mugs and the history of bay rum when I ran across your page. Now I think I'll have to make your site a regular stop. Keep up the good work!

Forest B.
Port St. Lucie, FL

Dear Eric,

Your review of The Aislers Set's How I Learned To Write Backwards is dead on. But I couldn't help but feel as if I've been punched in the stomach when reading the last paragraph (i.e. the dig at the East Coast) — especially as I watch yet another fierce snowstorm develop outside my window here in Manhattan. It seems the only sign of early spring around here can be found in the Aislers Set record. Thus, I hope you don't mind if I listen to it yet again and fondly remember that enchanting trip I took to the Bay Area as if it were still happening. Thanks and enjoy your blue skies.....

Jason R.

What a great piece of writing. You have articulated something that occurred to me when I read about this last week. I agree. But he is from another era, and hopefully you illuminating this point will prevent younger people from holding on to his ridiculous point of view. Besides, assuming The Post should be kinder to people because they are also part of the Newscorp. family is like assuming the people at ESPN should be told not to make jokes about the new Jim Belushi show. These companies have no synergy. That is why their stocks are all messed up. Congrats on a great article.

Judd Apatow

Dear Dakota,

I have never responded to any review we've received (it seems tacky, and I suppose it is) but yours is by far our favorite. Some have loved the show, some have not, but none have so insightfully articulated what we were trying to do. Apart from that, the piece was brilliantly written, and funny too. Rare for any media. Thanks.

Of course, if you're one of those writers that thrives on self-hatred, you can completely discredit the praise by considering the source. I'd hate to disrupt your process.

Phil Lord
Exec Producer, Clone High USA

Andy, just remember what the word "Cubs" stands for, Completely Useless By September, and the best 6 words in english are still, Cubs lose, Cubs lose, Cubs lose. Keep the faith. It's gonna be a good year. Have a nice day.

Harry

My recent addiction to "Joe Millionaire" has led me to question the life lessons that reality TV might be imparting to our youth.

Everything I Ever Learned About Life, I Learned From Reality TV:

1.) "If a man is not ready to commit, it doesn't matter how gorgeous you are — or what a fabulous person you are. He's just not ready."

The reality series "Joe Millionaire" was based on a false premise. Evan Marriot was never looking for a wife. He just wanted to date someone who didn't mind that he was a construction worker.

2.) "Intimate relationships are based on quality, not quantity."

Having twenty women to choose from didn't guarantee that Evan would find a soulmate among them. Some singles might argue that having a hundred people to choose from doesn't guarantee that there will be a soulmate among them.

Joe Mil's women were selected on the basis of beauty, not character. It was simply the luck of the draw that there was a "Zora" among them.

3.) "Good girl/ bad girl: It's all in the editing."

All the characters on "Joe Millionaire" were caricaturized by the editing. But is that truly reality?

When we take an honest look at ourselves, we find both Zora's idealism and Sarah's pragmatism. We each have a dose of Zora's generosity and Sarah's greed. Sometimes, we stand by our convictions — while, at other times, we allow the desires of the moment to sweep us away.

It all depends on the time and the day. We are each capable of kindness or cruelty. Our words often wound, but sometimes heal. Someone could edit my life to show my love for children — or my quick temper, my deep affection for my husband — or my not-infrequent annoyance with him. If the camera is rolling, I hope that the Editor will be kind.

4.) "Life is not a fairytale."

Reality television stubbornly denies audiences those "cliché endings" that we have come to expect from the cinema. Although "love conquers all" in fairytales, a man who has risen from an unknown to a heartthrob might not be too eager to settle down. Although "bad people are punished" in fairy tales, a woman whose boyfriend allowed her to pursue Joe Millionaire might just take her right back into his arms when the series is over.

Poverty might end up being less of roadblock to love than a man who lacks maturity and common interests. And even villains like Sarah feel vulnerable and betrayed when the fairytale is over.

Lisa Dickson
Westerville, OH

Bob —

I am a huge sports fan and I have to say that your recent column on cursing in sports was one of the greatest single articles I have ever read on the Internet. Not only was it funny as shit, but it was well written and brought up some nice examples I was unaware of. The only thing I would have added was Jim Mora's moronic attempts to curse without cursing all time, especially his use of Didly Poo.

Thanks for a great read.

Marty

Thank you. To address your diddly-poo concerns, I will start by saying that you're not the first to note the absence of Jim Mora's 1996 post-game press conference meltdown during his swan song as the New Orleans Saints' head coach, in which he said his team played like "diddly-poo." I strongly considered adding Mora to the list, but what he said would sound cute coming from a 3-year-old, so he didn't make it.

As a Ranger fan who grew up on the south shore of Long Island surrounded by Islander fans, I just want to say I loved your essay.

Tom Panarese

ps. An alternate theory: Could this have been the Isles finally getting revenge for the whole Don Maloney thing?

Thank you, oh, thank you, for the Paul Mokeski reference.

Nicholas Leggin

What a really well-written article! Very entertaining and incisive. Caught your Buffalo Springfield reference, "stop children, what's that sound" — tho I guess it's on the oldies stations all the time. Your words on Stewart are on-target (tho you didn't mention that his clone didn't look ANYTHING like him!). His best role was in "I Claudius." How implausible WAS it that this guy was supposed to have grown up friendless in a mining camp, yet looked like a whiny Goth kid from a rich town?

And Data's "death" was entirely unmoving; after all, he left behind his special needs brother to carry on.

Probably it's time to retire the Trek movies. I really only enjoyed the first half of The Wrath of Khan — before they brought in the earwig. I will certainly check out your mag; maybe writing for Entertainment Weekly is your next career step!

Leigh Cochran

I wanted to know if you knew the names of the models in the Miller Lite (You know what would make a great commercial). The one with the two girls wrestling over the Miller Lite in the fountain. If you do, I would greatly appreciate it if you could e-mail them to me.

Thank You,
Chris Crowley...

OK, for those of you too lazy to Google, the stars of the Miller Lite Catfight ad are Tonya Ballinger (blonde) and Kitana Baker (brunette). There appear to be no naked pictures of Ballinger floating around. However, there are plenty of Baker. Wack away, boys.

Lindsay has done a phenomenal job recapping Joe Milllionaire. I'm not a regular Flak reader, but she has drawn me back each week to see what her most recent interpretation has to offer. She has a great sense of wit, sarcasm, and insight. Keep her around for a while. (Drink...)

Alafia Johnson

I find YOUR opinion of GM technology nothing short of rhetoric. It's a pity that the neoliberal agenda marches on, as flawed as it is.

Might I suggest reading Good News For A Change by Canadian scientist David Suzuki and his colleague Holly Dressel (Stoddart Press). You sound like you could use the enlightenment.

"The promise of progress is propaganda's most elaborate platitude".

increase the peace

Jeff Jorgensen
Ottawa, Canada

First off I want to thank you for writing such an article and bringing attention to the subject matter presented. Having grown up on a farm in central Illinois (one of the largest producers of corn and ethanol in the world) I have a real problem in understanding the arguments and policies put forward by many European governments as well as the EU concerning GM food. Have any of these critics heard about the agricultural revolution, where is the evidence to the contrary? There is a reason why there haven't been any GM related deaths in this country. Coincidence? I think not. Concerning the policies of the European Union, North American agricultural products are cheaper in Europe, thereby threatening European farmers (we have more grain than we know what to do with and we can't even give it away). They are only looking out for themselves in this "global" economy and the politicians will do what they do best, legislate. Why do people fear what it is that they themselves can not or will not understand? Only the Europeans could have drawn a connection between BSE (cannibalism) and GM (yield); that doesn't even make sense.

More importantly, the notion that we are presenting aid to those who make ideological decisions for a population that condones the killing of productive white farmers in an effort to "democratically" redistribute land is ridiculous. The fact that these people would rather starve than accept aid in the form of GM food and their inability to use such a simple device as the condom, leads me to believe that these people don't need food, condoms, etc... The only dangerous weapon in Southern Africa right now happens to be their own ignorance. "External education about GM technology" isn't going to cut it; it's a good start and it just might save a few million people but education across the board is the only solution to this horrible problem.

increase the peace

B.Schupbach, Chicago, Ill.

Just wanted to say — thank you. My mother has been in a wheelchair for the past 15 years, and she hates how people treat her, especially when out shopping in a supermarket. Especially when they pat her on the shoulder or the head as if she's a puppy after she manoeuvres out of the way.

It made me glad to see your article. Even if just a few people see it and are a little more patient when waiting for someone in a wheelchair to cross the road next time, you've done a lot more than most people have.

So, thank you.

Storme