2005 Flak Film Also-Ran Awards: The Steak Knives

"As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado," says Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross. "Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired."

Look around the meta-movie world in the early months of the year and man, are there a lot of Cadillacs. Some are Eldorados, and some are Escalades; most are DeVilles. Everyone's cousin's blog is rattling off the best films of the year, each list typically a mild permutation of its neighbor. Of Million Dollar Baby, The Aviator and Sideways, which will win, place and show? Oh, the drama.

Flak would like to invite you to take a step back from the prestige factory with its first annual film also-ran awards, the Steak Knives. In order to come up with the rest of the best of the year, our critics were forbidden from considering any nominee for an Academy Award, Golden Globe or Independent Spirit Award, or any candidate that placed in the top five in its respective category in the Village Voice's Take Six critics' poll. Just because a film was nominated for one of those awards doesn't mean that it was entirely off-limits — it's only disqualified in the field for which it was nominated. For instance, I Heart Huckabees' screenplay nomination doesn't stop us from giving props to Naomi Watts. The end result of this is that a lot of candidates were excluded (check the list); the good news is that these are the films about which you've already heard too much.

The Steak Knives honor those solid, A-for-effort films that were never considered to be in contention for top honors. Spider-Man 2 and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou are the kings of this hillock with three nods apiece, followed by the twice-decorated Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. Naomi Watts made a big splash, with both of her Best Actress nominations sewn up after the first round of voting. Beyond that are a host of Little Films That Should've — Mean Girls, Primer, Osama, Shaun of the Dead — whose praises we're all too happy to sing. The envelopes (sent media mail, of course) please ….

Second-best Picture
Second-best Director
Second-best Actress
Second-best Actor
Second-best Screenplay

— graphic by Derek Evernden (derek@ocellus.net)