Tom Leonard: Day of the dad

Tom Leonard laments overrated Hollywood dads

Compared to the instant bond that mothers seem to strike up, I've never found much solidarity and camaraderie between fathers.

Maybe it's down to shyness or the fact that the last thing they usually want to discuss is their children. Even so, there are limits to our reserve and when the slur against our calling is serious enough, we come together in common outrage.

Such an occasion occurred on Tuesday afternoon when I was half listening to two cable news presenters discussing whether Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards might benefit from the increasingly catty remarks being traded by Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

One of the journalists then mentioned a new list of the 50 most influential men under 45, in particular the entry for number eight, "the Good Fathers".

According to Details, the glossy men's magazine that compiled the list, America's "new parental role models" are the celebrities-once-removed Kevin Federline and Larry Birkhead. And the magazine was completely serious.

All talk of the presidential election abruptly stopped. Mr Cable News Anchor (a father of four) and his colleague were horrified. I shared their pain.

For Federline is famous for having married Britney Spears and Birkhead is famous for not having married the Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith but - as a paternity suit had to establish - for fathering her daughter. A couple of bozos who managed to impregnate a couple of bimbos, then.

The boys on cable news pointed out that Federline, a former backing dancer, was a particularly odd choice as a role model for fathers as he dumped his heavily pregnant girlfriend (by whom he has two children) so he could be with Spears.

Birkhead's family guy motivation - jobbing Los Angeles photographer finds fame after fathering celebrity child worth a fortune - has been questioned, too.

Federline is known as KFed while Birkhead is not known as LBirk.

Their respective children are called Sean Preston and Jayden James, and Dannielynn. Due to the unavailability of the children's mothers - Spears is in substance abuse freefall; Smith has already landed - both men are now the main parent.

The fact that they are a regular sight in celebrity magazines wheeling pushchairs, pushing swings and helping to blow out the candles on first birthday cakes is enough for Details magazine to name them "America's new parental role models" - Hollywood dads who really are "involved".

Apparently, both drive the kids to the supermarket, decorate their bedrooms and even let their children dictate their career direction. KFed, who is dipping his toe into acting, says he doesn't want to play bad guys any more.

"To be a father is… everything," he says. "It shows how little I am." Devotion and humility.

Still, a little cloud is allowed to drift across the sunny scene when the magazine concedes that "being the guy the judge calls Daddy has become this decade's most efficient method of scuzz removal".

I hope nobody's suggesting there could be cynical motives at play here, and that these men are embracing fatherhood because the children are more famous than them.

KFed and LBirk have simply discovered, as other dads eventually do, that men are defined by their children.

"Ahhh, you are [fill in blank]'s dad." It conveys that same feeling of personal unimportance - KFed would call it "littleness" - whether it's said by a parent outside school or a television producer looking for guests for a celebrity potholing show.

A last word from KFed, who complains that his television sets are stuck on children's channels. This is something I can believe.

"Anything from SpongeBob to Finding Nemo, and you know, I'm still trying to decide which one I like more," he says. Which what? Which cartoon? Or which child?

I am very confused by much of KFed's wisdom - I only hope that any impressionable young reader seeking tips on fatherhood is too.

Apparently, magazines like Details are now aware that some of their readers are ageing to the stage where they are capable of human reproduction.

A bit of fatherly advice - just because a man can push a buggy in a straight line and find a supermarket's baby food section with a paparazzo in pursuit, it doesn't make him Superdad. We can all just about do that.