The Hollywood Celebrity Diet

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. Except for food.

This is the quandary behind "The Original Hollywood Celebrity Diet" (as seen on TV), which promises that you can lose up to 10 pounds in two days. The diet is endorsed as "The Official Diet of Hollywood," licensed by the Official Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, and called "The Best Kept Secret Secret of the Hollywood Stars!" — how can you go wrong?

Well, that's easy. Get this: for two whole days, if you want to lose these supposed 10 pounds, you can't eat, drink alcohol, drink caffeine, or smoke. Instead, you drink the "specially formulated juice diet" containing "over 100 percent of the US RDA of essential vitamins and minerals" as well as "botanical extracts for added antioxidant benefits."

You've gotta love botanical extracts: they always sound great, and then they often end up giving you a heart attack or liver damage.

Honestly, not eating for two days wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the lack of caffeine and nicotine. Anybody who has gone through college knows that a person can extract a surprising amount of sustenance through the precious bean and weed.

Day One went like this: I woke up and immediately had a panic attack at the pending task. I went to the gym, congratulating myself on my diligence, but the rest of the day was downhill. Not only was the work day intolerable, knowing I couldn't partake of any food during or afterward, I wanted to cry due to the lack of caffeine. Celestial Seasonings tea, Orbit gum and the Hollywood Diet juice, which is pleasant tasting in a generically tropical way (although with an odd, musty aftertaste), simply didn't cut it.

I spent Day Two at home, sleeping. The best way to do the Hollywood Diet if you're weak-willed like me: unconscious. Another good tip for Hollywood Dieters is to NOT grocery shop before the diet, unless you're a masochist and enjoy mourning the food going uneaten in your refrigerator.

To cut to the chase, I didn't lose the 10 pounds, but I did lose eight pounds in two days, which is nothing to sneeze at. A pair of summer pants fit a little bit looser the next day, but with no wedding, no reunion, or no hot date for which to lose the weight, it was a hollow victory.

The Hollywood Diet DOES work, simply because consuming 400 liquid calories a day (as opposed to the recommended 1500-2000 calories) is certain to slim you down. However, one could conceivably do it with normal, everyday juice, or even with nothing at all. It is still unclear to me how going without cigarettes or coffee or Diet Pepsi helps one lose the weight, however.

Yes, losing up to 10 pounds in two days is a grittily satisfying experience. But not nearly as satisfying as gaining it all back the day after.

— Claire Zulkey (clairezulkey@hotmail.com)