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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The ratings race

What Australia watched, Monday, October 15.
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1. BORDER SECURITY - AUSTRALIA'S FRONT LINE Seven: 1,904,000 485,000 554,000 354,000 222,000 289,000.
2. THE FORCE - BEHIND THE LINE-MON Seven: 1,877,000 462,000 586,000 317,000 214,000 298,000.
3. CITY HOMICIDE Seven: 1,695,000 452,000 524,000 269,000 211,000 240,000.
4. SEVEN NEWS Seven: 1,485,000 370,000 395,000 288,000 178,000 255,000.
5. HOME AND AWAY Seven: 1,436,000 393,000 385,000 265,000 170,000 222,000.
6. TODAY TONIGHT Seven: 1,425,000 361,000 378,000 263,000 186,000 237,000.
7. CRIMINAL MINDS Seven: 1,212,000 343,000 343,000 199,000 173,000 153,000.
8. TEMPTATION Nine: 1,189,000 311,000 403,000 237,000 114,000 124,000.
9. A CURRENT AFFAIR Nine: 1,175,000 323,000 366,000 266,000 110,000 109,000.
10. NATIONAL NINE NEWS Nine: 1,143,000 307,000 348,000 260,000 138,000 88,000.
11. AUSTRALIAN IDOL - THE LIVE VERDICT Ten: 1,092,000 330,000 316,000 198,000 116,000 132,000.
12. ABC NEWS-EV ABC: 1,083,000 300,000 360,000 191,000 113,000 119,000.
13. FOUR CORNERS-EV ABC: 1,010,000 304,000 314,000 180,000 109,000 104,000.
14. SUPERNATURAL Ten: 977,000 240,000 274,000 204,000 123,000 135,000.
15. MEDIA WATCH-EV ABC: 974,000 287,000 359,000 137,000 92,000 98,000.
(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Editor's note: For the next week The Ratings Race will come to you in downsized form. David Dale, who normally edits this blog, is working overseas. Kerry Coleman, his replacement, will publish daily ratings figures and approve comments, but won't be able to research extra questions. We hope readers talk amongst themselves on this blog until David's return on October 18, when you'll see "Tribal Mind replies" start to appear again at the end of comments.

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Students turn to jelly in the name of art

SITstudents.jpg
IF ANYONE had any doubts about the funding crisis in universities, they need look no further than this photo.

Students from the University of NSW's College of Fine Arts have taken some rather unusual steps to raise funds for the graduating students' final show.

"We thought we should buy a squillon boxes of chocolates and doughnuts and help corporations raise money via our lame efforts to fund an art exhibition," an event organiser said. "But instead we held a massive jelly wrestling tournament."

The puny College of Fine Arts students took on members of the Marrickville Jelly Wrestling Foundation at the NSW Uni Roundhouse last week, although organisers stressed no one was hurt in what looked more like performance art than a sporting competition.

The jelly wrestling raised about $1000 for the show that opens at the college at Paddington on November 28.

Blunt warning: Weddings, funerals ...

James Blunt, who arrived in Sydney yesterday to promote his new album, is a songsmith for all occasions. In 2005 the British tabloid The Sun reported You're Beautiful had ousted Robbie Williams's Angels as the most popular wedding anthem. By the following year Blunt's Goodbye My Lover had ousted Angels as Britain's most popular funeral song, according to a survey by the Bereavement Register.

And for the trifecta, You're Beautiful beat Axel F's ring tone favourite Crazy Frog to be voted the most irritating song of all time, according to market researchers www.onepoll.com.

Blunt is here to plug his new album, All the Lost Souls - which could be dedicated to all the couples who have requested You're Beautiful for their wedding. The song is actually about perving on a girl on the subway and Blunt warblingly admits: "I will never be with you".

But there have been many other odd choices at weddings. The Police's Every Breath You Take is about Sting stalking his former wife after she left him. REM's The One I Love is about dumping a lover, and Max Merritt and the Meteors' Slippin Away (from You) was a popular wedding waltz in the '70s.

An English bride who wanted Bryan Adams's Everything I Do (I Do It for You) from Kevin Costner's Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves walked down the aisle to the theme tune to the BBC's camp 1950s TV series after requesting the "theme from Robin Hood". For funerals, can anyone top Peter Sellers' choice of In the Mood?

Send us any other great song choices for weddings or funerals.

Animal watch: Show drags the cats in

The claws came out in New York on the weekend, with the likes of Disco Nofurno, Leonid the Magnificent and Oscurl Wilde competing at the 2007 Cat Fanciers' Association Cat Championships. The show attracted more than 300 of America's most spoilt pussies to Madison Square Garden, but for some it was all over before it began.

On the way to the show, Caroline Scott's American Curl cat, Madeline Curlbright, vomited all over her perfectly coiffed 'do. "You bathe the cat for two hours straight and blow-dry every little hair and they get in the carrier and you hear [burp]," a devastated Scott said. "That's the worst sound a show person can ever hear."

For those who reached the show unscathed, the weather made last-minute primping difficult. "Today is crisp so we're dealing with a little bit of static here," Brenda Playhill said over the hair dryer she was pointing at her unfortunate Maine Coon cat. "We're fluffing him up and the object is to not let any two pieces of fur stick together."

Even the cats' rear ends didn't escape beautification: "It's a little embarrassing, but it has to be done," said Jerry Fellerman. "We don't see what goes on behind the scenes at Miss America, but I'm sure they powder and puff a lot."

For for the record, the contest was won by black and white Japanese bobtail Wind Chimes Tess.

Top of the wits: Rocker joins poets

William Shakespeare and Noel Coward, sure - but Liam Gallagher? A new survey has named the Oasis frontman one of Britain's greatest wits.

The poll of 3000 comedy fans named Gallagher the 10th wittiest Briton of all time for his criticism of Victoria Beckham's autobiography. "She cannot even chew gum and walk in a straight line at the same time, let alone write a book," he said.

The playwright Oscar Wilde, whose last words were "Either these curtains go or I do", topped the list with 20 per cent of the vote, narrowly beating the comedian Spike Milligan, who had "I told you I was ill" engraved on his tombstone.

A surprise No. 4 was Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson, whose famous one-liners include: "Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you."

Winston Churchill was fifth for his notorious put-downs. When accused of being drunk by MP Bessie Braddock, he famously said: "Madam, you are ugly. But in the morning I will be sober."

Stephen Fry, Coward, Shakespeare, Paul Merton and late football manager Brian Clough rounded out the top 10. The highest-placed female, in 12th spot, was Margaret Thatcher, who once quipped: "Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't."

Those aspiring to be included in next year's list would do well to heed the advice of Coward, ranked seventh. He once noted: "Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade."

Sex survey: Boredom in the bedroom

Australian men better lift their game. A whopping 69 per cent of Australian women wish their love life was more exciting and 75 per cent own a vibrator, according to survey of 1360 women.

The survey, conducted by "adult" Tupperware party organiser Pash, revealed 16 per cent of women in a relationship never wear sexy lingerie, while 48 per cent only get out the sexy underwear on special occasions. Sixty-one per cent of single women under 35 said their love life was "boring as hell" or "nothing to write home about".

Many surveyed came from Pash's database so the results could be a little skewed. Well, men can stick to that line.

Instrument of peace: Violinists draw short bow

In Sydney it can be hard work shutting down a party at 4am - but don't even think of playing a violin in Manchester. Two concert violinists are looking for a new home after the council threatened to seize their instruments because of "noise nuisance", the Press Association reported.

Oliver Morris and Hazel Ross, both 25, received a letter from the city's Anti-Social Behaviour Action Team telling them their violin practice "will not be tolerated" and "the behaviour must not continue".

Morris, who has performed with the BBC Symphony Orchestras, said: "We are definitely moving because of the situation and because of the way it has been dealt with."

The response from Manchester City Council's director of housing, Deborah McLaughlin, was simple: "We received a complaint about excessive noise and had a duty to respond to this." If only local government was always so efficient.

The Tribal Mind: Not coming to a cinema near you

Enough with the candy bars and online ticket machines. Based on the blockbusters over winter, it's time for some real services for filmgoers.

Early on, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End took $33.1 million at the Australian box office. But amidst all the colourful action and romance, who really had any idea what was happening? Was there a plot in there that made sense? At Wit's End would have been a more accurate title.

Next time there's a Pirates movie, cinemas should install a giant whiteboard in the foyer, with the plot outlined like one of Einstein's more complex equations. Filmgoers could crowd around afterwards saying things like "so he was really dead!" and "that's why they were upside down".

Shrek the Third was even more successful, taking $33.5 million. But it sadly lacked the heart and humour of the first two Shreks.

What was needed was a video screen showing the best scenes from the earlier movies, then a message from their director, Andrew Adamson, explaining that he wanted to make The Chronicles of Narnia so the studio had to get someone else. A studio executive could have explained why Shrek the Fourth would definitely be better. Everyone could have felt more cheerful then about spending their $15.50.

The Bourne Ultimatum was a well-deserved hit, taking $20.9 million. But watching it was like being hooked up to jumper leads after five cans of Red Bull. Afterwards, you wanted a quiet room with some peaceful music and a calming hot chocolate. Definitely no surveillance cameras.

Leaving No Reservations, the chefs romance that took a modest $5.4 million, there should have been a counter serving that magical bowl of pasta from the movie. The one so magnificent it immediately bonded a traumatised orphan to an itinerant chef who seemed to have escaped from a Papa Giuseppe's commercial.

The Lord did not smile on Evan Almighty, about a modern Noah building an ark. It cost many shekels to make but has taken only $6.9 million.

In Genesis, Noah was 600 years old when the flood arrived. In the movie it just felt like that long.

There should have been a Gideon's stand in the foyer, highlighting relevant and inspiring passages from the Bible. One that springs to mind is: "It profits a man nothing when he tries to please God."

The comedy I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry - aka Strange Bedfellows: the Brooklyn Years - was a modest hit, taking $7.3 million.

For fans of Adam Sandler it might have been hilarious. If you enjoy Rob Schneider at his method acting best, this was your movie.

But there was only one stand I wanted when I left the cinema. It would have been selling something alcoholic. And enough of it to repress the memory.

Monday, October 15, 2007

The ratings race

What Australia watched, Saturday, October 13.
Description Total Sydney Melbourne Brisbane Adelaide Perth
1 NEW TRICKS-EV ABC 1,336,000 379,000 439,000 217,000 162,000 140,000
2 AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO SHOW Nine 1,182,000 295,000 403,000 200,000 126,000 159,000
3 SEVEN NEWS - SAT Seven 1,170,000 291,000 326,000 223,000 126,000 204,000
4 ABC NEWS-SA ABC 1,142,000 327,000 358,000 194,000 144,000 120,000
5 NATIONAL NINE NEWS SATURDAY Nine 1,003,000 249,000 385,000 151,000 126,000 91,000
6 BILL-EV ABC 856,000 227,000 318,000 131,000 82,000 97,000
7 M-TARZAN Seven 790,000 210,000 300,000 185,000 94,000
8 GARDENING AUSTRALIA-EV ABC 702,000 199,000 226,000 118,000 90,000 69,000
9 TEN NEWS AT FIVE SAT Ten 697,000 149,000 229,000 140,000 76,000 103,000
10 JUDGE JOHN DEED Seven 670,000 215,000 207,000 150,000 97,000
11 BATMAN BEGINS Nine 627,000 135,000 217,000 115,000 88,000 72,000
12 DEADLIEST CATCH Ten 626,000 144,000 217,000 107,000 69,000 89,000
13 SON OF THE MASK Nine 610,000 166,000 170,000 109,000 73,000 91,000
14 BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II RPT Ten 598,000 156,000 225,000 81,000 72,000 62,000
15 SPORTS TONIGHT SAT Ten 588,000 127,000 194,000 111,000 66,000 90,000

(OzTAM preliminary estimates, mainland capitals)

Editor's note: For the next two weeks The Ratings Race will come to you in downsized form. David Dale, who normally edits this blog, is working overseas. Kerry Coleman, his replacement, will publish daily ratings figures and approve comments, but won't be able to research extra questions. We hope readers talk amongst themselves on this blog until David's return on October 18, when you'll see "Tribal Mind replies" start to appear again at the end of comments.

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

OFFICE AFFAIRS: On the job

If your spouse is working back late, then you have a good reason to be worried.

Nearly half the workforce (47 per cent) has had sex with a work colleague, according to a survey by the online sex shop AdultShop.com.

While it is hardly surprising that 55 per cent said they had been attracted to someone at work, 36 per cent of those said they had pursued it and gone out with the person. Thankfully, 32 per cent said they would only look and not touch. More worryingly, 15 per cent of respondents said they were obsessed with a work colleague.

Sixty-two per cent of respondents said they were not interested in sleeping with their boss, while 11 per cent had and 2 per cent regretted it enormously afterwards.

Amazingly, 12 per cent of respondents were involved in a relationship with a colleague, and 22 per cent were having sex with one.

The survey drew 892 responses from people who prefer to shop online rather than enter a sex shop. Or maybe they just don't own mackintoshes.

Meanwhile, a global survey by the condom maker Durex has found that Kiwi women have the most sexual partners - an average of 20.4, against a world average of 7.3. The survey, which questioned 26,000 people in 26 countries, found Austrians topped the male list with 29.3 partners, more than twice the global average of 13.2.

New Zealand was the only country where women were more promiscuous than their men, who averaged 16.8 sexual partners, the Christchurch newspaper The Press reported.

WACKY WORLD: Jail house rocks

A homeless and unemployed Brazilian man jailed for stealing has asked to remain inside after finishing his sentence, the Brazilian news website G1 reported.

Fabricio, 21, said he resorted to stealing because he was "enduring hunger and cold" in the city of Perdoes in the Brazilian state of Minas Gerais. Set to be freed, Fabricio sent a letter to the judge who had granted his release, saying he feared he might again resort to crime since he has no personal documents, no job, no home and no family in Minas Gerais.

"I want to go out onto the street, freedom is priceless," he said. "But I want to have a job to support myself, not to have to knock on doors asking for a plate of food again."

Brazilian law does not allow prisoners whose release has been granted to remain in jail.

"In 12 years as a judge I never faced a situation like this," said Judge Sergio Maia.

HEALTH WARNING: Some mothers do 'ave 'em

Not only do boys require more attention in the classroom, they also drive their mothers to an early grave.

Sons reduce a mother's life span by an average of 34 weeks, a study published in the latest edition of the Scientific American has revealed.

A University of Sheffield evolutionary biologist, Virpi Lummaa, who studied Finnish birth, marriage and death records from two centuries ago, found that villagers who bore sons did not live as long as those who gave birth to daughters.

Higher birth weights and testosterone are the main reason for this discrepancy, Lummaa said. Testosterone compromises the immune system of mothers, leaving them especially susceptible to infectious diseases.

Boys are also more costly to raise, draining more physical resources from their mothers and less likely to stick around to help their mothers in later life.

But sons aren't just tough on their mothers - they can also seriously affect the lives of their siblings. A study of 754 mixed-gender twins born in the 1800s revealed that exposure to testosterone in the womb left the female twin 25 per cent less likely to have children, 15 per cent less likely to marry and significantly more likely to die from an infectious disease than those born with a sister. Lummaa said this suggests evolution favours same-sex female twins.

Maybe that's why men are dying out.

BRITNEY WATCH: New album 'leaked'

Britney Spears has co-written just two of the 12 songs on her upcoming album, Blackout, Reuters reported after her label, Jive Records, released the track listings.

While Avril Lavigne stretched the meaning of the term "written" when she wasn't able to tell an Australian journalist which parts of her songs were hers, the term "co-wrote" has always been pretty flexible, with a single line often enough input for a credit.

With two "co-wrotes" to her name, Spears has obviously been too busy with media opportunities, such as custody battles, rehab, severe haircuts, car crashes and parties.

Blackout, her first album in more than four years, will be released on October 29 - two weeks earlier than planed because of leaks, Jive Records said.

But as most leaks have been material that didn't make the album, similar to the Kylie leaks preceding her upcoming album, we presume this is just part of the marketing campaign.

WHO WE ARE: We can be heroes

A column about Australia by David Dale, published in The Sun-Herald 14/10/2007
The government is keeping secret the list of 200 questions with which it will test peoples' suitability to become citizens of Australia, but a glance through the study guide, Becoming An Australian Citizen, suggests that a propensity for hero-worship would give the applicant a head start. The text, written at the comprehension level of an eight year old, speaks with infectious enthusiasm about the giants who created this nation. Let me quote some highlights ...

Arthur Phillip "took great care over the feeding and welfare of the convicts and very few died on the voyage. When starvation loomed in the early years of the colony, he put the whole settlement, including himself and military officers, on the same ration."

Governor Lachlan Macquarie "is remembered with great affection because he treated reformed convicts as if they had never offended. He invited rich ex-convicts to government house and expected the free settlers to treat them as equals."

"English woman Caroline Chisholm, who came to Australia with her army officer husband in 1838, became known as 'The Immigrants' Friend'. She worked to improve life on the ships bringing people to Australia and helped people start new lives."

"The failure of Burke and Wills, though easy to explain, can not easily be forgotten. Their story has inspired great writing and art. It remains a symbol of a country that can destroy you."

"Sir Charles Kingsford Smith became an international aviation hero in 1928 when he and Charles Ulm completed the first trans-Pacific crossing from the United States to Australia in the Fokker trimotor Southern Cross."

"Except for small scale battles between settlers and Aboriginal people, Australia has been a remarkably peaceful country. There have been no civil wars or revolutions. It is strange then, that it has a very strong military tradition and that the ordinary soldier, the digger, is a national hero."

Anzac Day "honours the qualities of the ordinary soldier: mateship, endurance, humour in the face of adversity. One individual soldier has come to stand for all these qualities - John Simpson Kirkpatrick ... He acquired a donkey and was allowed to work on his own carrying the wounded back to the shore."

John Monash "was one of the most creative generals in the war and the only Australian general who has come close to having heroic status."

The Melbourne Cup: "the great winners have become national heroes ... Phar Lap, the most famous of them ... made many people happy in dark days."

Sir Donald Bradman "was the greatest cricket batsman of all time. He was small and slight but amazingly quick on his feet, playing his shots almost like a machine ... Among all Australian sporting heroes, Bradman is the best known."

If the applicants for citizenship are as simpleminded as this level of writing assumes, they may draw the conclusion that to become a good Australian, you need to invite rich ex-convicts to dinner (ensuring your ration is the same as theirs), befriend immigrants, get lost in the desert, acquire a donkey, fly in a trimotor, and be quick enough on your feet to make people happy in dark days.

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