Articles filed under Humor

Salon

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Huffington Post
in·ten·tion: A course of action that one intends to follow, no matter what one actually says.

"We don't dispute that the ISOO (Information Security Oversight Office) has a different opinion. But let's be very clear: This executive order was issued by the president, and he knows what his intentions were. He is in compliance with his executive order." --White House Spokesman Tony Fratto

Location: The White House Pressroom

Tony Snow: Good morning. I see we have an overflow crowd today. We
intended to build a bigger press room with more chairs, so will those in
the back please sit in those seats. First of all, the President would
like to send out early birthday wishes to Professor Irwin Corey who will
be 94 next week. Helen...

Helen Thomas: Vice President Cheney is refusing to allow an inspection of
his office by the National Archives' Information Security Oversight
Office. Isn't that a clear contempt of President Bush's own executive
order?

Snow: Oh, I'm sorry, Helen. I intended to call on David.

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Pottersville
My fellow Americans:

I will resist the temptation to brag about what the twins got me for Father’s Day this year, as I have the previous six years. Well, so as not to keep you in mystery, I will say the girls somehow managed to find the time to get me an awesome present while they were honoring graduation parties the world over, including Paraguay. This morning, the twins presented me with a set of shot glasses that say, “#1 US President in the World.” That’s an honor, one on a par with the reception that I got in Albania a week ago.

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Huffington Post
The following is a forecast of next week's news, for the week of Monday, May 21:

Monday, May 21: President Bush will say that the American people agree with him on the NSA's wiretapping program, stating, "If they were having angry conversations about it, I would have heard them by now."

Tuesday, May 22: After planning the war in Iraq and running the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz will announce that he is "actively seeking" a new institution to fuck up.

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AlterNet
When a ton of crap is dumped from way high above into the lake of our lives, we rarely worry about the tiny arcing droplets splashing on our face mainly because we're too busy keeping our boats afloat and our breathing apparatuses above water, but I would like to spotlight a seemingly insignificant drop of moisture pooling at the end of our nose that is destined to affect us for the rest of our natural born days. Namely: the name George. Which is getting such a bad rap these days, it will soon qualify for 12 step status. "Hi, my name's George and I'm a George."

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Newsweek
May 1, 2007 - The White House in recent weeks has been quietly searching for candidates for the position of “lying czar,” a high-level administrator who would oversee all distortions and misrepresentations about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, a White House source confirmed today.

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Truthdig
With his closing monologue from last week’s “Real Time,” Bill Maher took aim at the president and his followers, “the 29 percent of Americans who still think he’s doing a heckuva job.”

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AlterNet
I'm afraid it is my duty to impart some bad news people, and I advise you all to sit down before you fall down. The Attorney General of the United States apparently is suffering from a horrible disease. Best case scenario is we're talking a tertiary case of situational amnesia here. And for a lawyer, that can't be good.

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Newsweek
April 23, 2007 - As part of a bold new strategy to confuse the enemy, the Pentagon announced today that it was sending comedian/impressionist Rich Little to Iraq to entertain the insurgents.

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Newsweek
Feb. 27, 2007 - Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received an Academy Award for his global- warming documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth,” the Supreme Court handed Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Oscar and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead.

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New York Times
So I was sitting around watching “Oprah” yesterday afternoon when I realized how I could stop W. and Crazy Dick from blowing up any more stuff.

All I needed to do was Unleash my Unfathomable Magnetic Power into the Universe!

Energy flows where intention goes. Or maybe it’s the other way around.

Anyhow, Oprah taught me how to stop abusing myself and learn The Secret. I finally get it: because the Law of Attraction dictates that like attracts like, my negativity toward the president and vice president is attracting their negativity and multiplying the negative vibrations in the cosmos, creating some sort of giant doom magnet.

(Paid Subscription Required)

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Who could have anticipated having a ministry of propaganda inside the U.S.?

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Thomas Paine's Corner
There are plenty of warnings and warning signs in this world. One of the surest is when philosophers start proselytizing about morality. The way to avoid being taken in by these pretenders, is to get to know them for what they are. The goal of every philosopher is debauchery of tried and true convention, leading to arousing the population to seditious mayhem, insurrection and mutiny.

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New York Times
JAY LENO
President Bush tonight announced that he is creating 20,000 new jobs. They are all in Iraq.

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Campus Progress

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Huffington Post
(Beginning in January, Citizenship and Immigration Services will begin administering the following revised and updated ten-question oral exam to applicants in selected cities around the country.)

1. What was the 39th state?

2. Name the last three Secretaries of the Interior.

3. Explain the infield fly rule.

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Newsweek
Nov. 14, 2006 - An international group of scientists who demoted the planet Pluto to dwarf status three months ago met in Oslo, Norway, today and reclassified the Bush White House as a dwarf presidency.

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Newsweek
Oct. 24, 2006 - A man who found himself in Denver with absolutely no memory of who he was or how he got there has now found himself at the epicenter of the midterm election campaign, as the White House moved aggressively today to court his vote.

The amnesia victim, who was known only as "Al" and could not recall any recent events, was instantly pegged as an "ideal voter" by GOP political strategist Karl Rove, who flew the man to Washington today for a private meeting with President Bush in the White House.

"Here's a guy who has no memory of Iraq, Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff or Mark Foley," Rove told reporters today. "From where I sit, I think we have a chance at getting this guy's vote."

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Thomas Paine's Corner
It’s a hard day at the trough-shop sucking up to the snot-nosed kid-boss with his M.B.A. thanks to Grandpa’s Trust, and you’re back home late and the wife’s cheesed off cause little Johnny’s flunking Math and Alie’s off with the trench-coat Goth, and you wonder, “Could it get any worse?”

You’re one missed payment from losing the house, and the bums on the street have your color skin, and the wife’s making eyes at the guy with the prize, and Sue-Ellen at the coffee shop gives you a wink, and you wonder, “Is Fascism really so bad?”

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Guardian

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New York Times
Jay Leno

Iran announced today that it cloned a sheep. They plan to use the sheep to pull the wool over the U.N.’s eyes.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says that people marching in the streets of Baghdad shows that democracy is working and that the Iraqis will be our allies in the war against terrorism — as soon as they’re done chanting “Death to America.”

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Truthdig
AUSTIN, Texas—Never let it never be said our president does not provide laughs, even as we wobble on the rim of war in the Middle East.

Look what a good time Vladimir Putin had with him. Bush, responding to questions from the international press corps on his conversation with Putin the previous evening, said, “I talked about my desire to promote institutional change in parts of the world like Iraq, where there is a free press and free religion, and I told him that a lot of people in our country, you know, would hope that Russia would do the same thing.”

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Village Voice

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Campus Progress

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San Francisco Chronicle
One of my favorite philosophers is Yogi Berra. He once said you can observe a lot by just watching -- and in all the years I've been watching what goes on in the nation's capital (which long ago replaced Hollywood as our entertainment center), there is one thing I've learned: Like life itself, politics is too important to be taken seriously.

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Guardian

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Truthdig
As the commencement speaker for a small Illinois college, Stephen Colbert told the graduates, “God wrote (the Bible) in English for a reason: So it could be taught in our public schools.”

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Guardian

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Village Voice

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New York Times
At the end of last night's "American Idol," Ryan Seacrest pointed out that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in history has received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine.

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San Francisco Chronicle
Balm for your tormented soul. Reasons not to off yourself with a handful of whippets and a bottle of Maker's Mark while reciting Yeats' "Sailing to Byzantium" just yet. Feel free to add you own:

1) Bush at 31 percent and falling fast
The apocalypse is yawning and going back to bed. The man can do no right.

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Thomas Paine's Corner
An advanced new technology will keep corporate managers safe even when climate change makes life as we know it impossible.

"The SurvivaBall is designed to protect the corporate manager no matter what Mother Nature throws his or her way," said Fred Wolf, a Halliburton representative who spoke today at the Catastrophic Loss conference held at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Amelia Island, Florida."This technology is the only rational response to abrupt climate change," he said to an attentive and appreciative audience.

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New York Times
Jay Leno

The president of Iran wrote a letter to President Bush. Did you know about this? And it seems that's caused some problems. Turns out, it's a chain letter. Now Bush now has to send to 10 other world leaders or there's some kind of curse.

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Editor & Publisher
WASHINGTON A blistering comedy “tribute” to President Bush by Comedy Central’s faux talk show host Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondent Dinner Saturday night left George and Laura Bush unsmiling at its close.

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Guardian

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One Thousand Reasons

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One Thousand Reasons

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Newsweek
Feb. 21, 2006 - Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff raised eyebrows today by announcing that the United States would outsource all of it homeland security operations to a little-known North Korean film called Jim Kong-Il Inc.

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AlterNet
David Rees never wanted to make political statements. He didn't even want to be a political cartoonist. In the days directly following September 11, when he was living in New York City, he just needed to hear an honest rendition of his country's internal dialogue about fear and war. As the media doggedly delivered a highly formalized and polarized debate about revenge, Rees listened to another line of discourse playing out in the white-collar offices where he worked as a temp, in the streets, in the music, and mostly in his own head. There he found horror, misunderstanding, hip-hop slang, and yes, jokes. There he found "Get Your War On."

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One Thousand Reasons

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Guardian

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One Thousand Reasons

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Off the Wahl

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Huffington Post
If you're interested in political cartoons, visit the Huffington Post's monthly contest site. Note in particular the work of Stephen Pitt, who has contributed regularly to One Thousand Reasons.

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Stephen Pitt

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Village Voice

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New York Times
Dick and Rummy are holed up in the den of Rummy's Chesapeake Bay retreat, Mount Misery, pawing through sheafs of transcripts of wiretapped telephone conversations, hunting for inside dope.

Chinook helicopters patrol the skies above the red-brick waterfront mansion. Rummy loves the take-no-prisoners lineage of his $1.5 million getaway, built in the 19th century by Edward Covey, an evil slave owner.
(Subscription Required)

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Intervention
Washington D.C. -- In a desperate move to counter his plummeting poll ratings, President Bush announced today that he is sending legislation to congress that would privatize the Department of Defense.

“This is a certain plan for certain victory,” the President said in a speech before an enthusiastic audience at the newly formed coalition, More Oil For More Bucks.

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San Francisco Chronicle
May the Lord bless you and keep you this wonderful holiday -- unless, of course, you are gay or thinking about becoming gay or unless you have at one time during the past three years considered in any way supporting the "gay lifestyle." You are all in my thoughts always, unless you are a woman or pagan or a liberal or Tom Cruise.

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Lew Rockwell
The following is an advance copy of Vice President Dick Cheney’s remarks on behalf of Tom DeLay at the legal defense fund dinner to pay for DeLay’s legal expenses.

My fellow sleazebags. As I look down at this audience of fat cats who suck the blood of the state as if it were their own, I am filled with a sense of gratification that I am not alone in standing up for America’s biggest phony, and that includes the president and myself. That all of you have forked up a grand a piece so a pack of Washington sharks can make a bundle off of Tom’s legal troubles proves to me that the system is in tact, notwithstanding the cowardly criticisms coming from the anarcho-radicals of the left wing of the Democratic Party.

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Stephen Pitt

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Village Voice

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Stephen Pitt

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Guardian

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The Onion
WASHINGTON, DC—In response to increasing criticism of his handling of the war in Iraq and the disaster in the Gulf Coast, as well as other issues, such as Social Security reform, the national deficit, and rising gas prices, President Bush is expected to appoint someone to run the U.S. as soon as Friday.

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Toronto Star
In its continuing quest to ensure that no child is left behind, the U.S. government is revamping the nation's school curriculum from top to bottom. Desperate to improve students' test scores in arithmetic, the government is now urging more and more schools to introduce a program known as "Dubya Math."

What follows are a few sample questions from an official Dubya math exam:

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Jerry Rellick
We are now just getting more details of what has been without doubt one of the most stunning developments in recent world history. On February 12, 2010, former president George W. Bush was arrested in Matamoros, Mexico, under a 27-count indictment for war crimes and crimes against humanity handed down by the International Criminal court (ICC) in October 2009.

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Guardian

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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AJC

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New York Times
WHEN we hear grumbling coming from the depths of our computer, we know that Ars Magna, the software program that always answers in anagrams, is awake and worrying.

This software sometimes can seem opinionated. Lately, for instance, it speaks happily of the Statue of Liberty as "built to stay free," but when it hears the name George W. Bush, it's likely to cry, "He grew bogus!" Ars is still angry about that C.I.A. leak.

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Stephen Pitt

Creating Yellow Cake. War Chef finds Tony & George preparing another load to dump on the People. 

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Stephen Pitt

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The Onion
WASHINGTON, DC—The White House denied rumors of wrongdoing by anyone named Karl Rove Monday, saying the alleged deputy chief of staff does not exist.

"To my knowledge, no one by the name of Karl Rove works for this president, his staff, or for that matter, anyone on earth, since he is not a real person," White House press secretary Scott McClellan told reporters Monday.

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Slate

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Swift Report
Florida Governor Jeb Bush has asked a state prosecutor to investigate possible links between Hurricane Dennis and Michael Schiavo. Critics say that Mr. Bush's attempt to implicate Mr. Schiavo in the category 3 storm is a transparent effort to shore up his support among 'values voters,' who blame Mr. Schiavo not just for blinding squalls and flying debris, but for rising gas prices as well as a rash of recent shark attacks.

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AJC

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Stephen Pitt

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Tom Burka
Republicans today criticized Paul Revere for his famous ride, saying that he had violated professional colonial ethics by divulging military secrets in violation of his duty to his lord, the King of England.

"These were sensitive informations about military troop movements with which he had been entrusted," said G. Gordon Liddy, an expert on ethics in government and a professor at several unaccredited law schools.

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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The Onion
ST. LOUIS, MO—At an appearance at the St. Louis Convention Center Sunday evening, President Bush declared the "grave and pressing need" for a preemptive attack on the Social Security program.

"My fellow citizens, at this hour, brave administration and congressional forces are in the early stages of an all-out attack on Social Security, with the ultimate goal of bringing down the oppressive legacy of the New Deal, and big government itself," Bush said. "Through bold and decisive action, we will liberate our grandparents and our grandchildren from the threats of the system established by Franklin D. Roosevelt to provide retirement compensation for America's workers."

According to the Social Security and Medicare Boards of Trustees, if Social Security revenue and payouts remain unchanged, the nation's largest entitlement program will be unable to pay full benefits in 2041.

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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MNFTIU

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Stephen Pitt

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Slowpoke Comics

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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Stephen Pitt

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