DEAR AMY: Please help me handle this like a sane woman. So far, I'm not doing a good job. My husband and I have been married for more than 25 years. We have two teenagers living at home. We golf together, enjoy working in the yard and doing home projects. We also have hobbies that we do on our own. About three months ago, my husband mentioned that he wanted to get a motorcycle. This is the first time he was even remotely interested in them. After realizing I was making the motorcycle more desirable by resisting it, I told him it was OK with me, although I would rather he purchase something the family could enjoy. I am petrified of riding it with him, though he says he wants to take me out when he feels more comfortable driving it (I don't see that happening). I am very worried about him getting hurt, and I am distressed that he is already taking time away from our family to ride it. Every time he goes out on his motorcycle, I get furious. I want to live happily again with my new "Harley" guy!

Worried Wife



DEAR WIFE: Women don't always understand the desire that many men have to suddenly live on the edge at midlife. But men who do this are experiencing an important life passage, and it is your tough job, as your husband's life partner, to watch your guy become a thrill-seeker.

Welcome to the Midlife Wives Club. As hard as this will be on you, you need to step back and stop fighting over this. If your husband needs to spend a few hours a week feeling the wind ripple his golf shirt, then let him do it. Obviously, you two should work on negotiating terms whereby you both can more or less get what you need - but you'll have to accept that he needs to do this now. Make sure he is aware that according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, "Per vehicle mile, motorcyclists are about 32 times more likely than passenger car occupants to die in a traffic crash." Yikes. How dangerous.

A book you might find helpful is "How to Survive Your Husband's Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories from the Midlife Wives Club," by Gay Courter and Pat Gaudette (Perigee Books, 2003). The authors also are charter members of the Midlife Wives Club.

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