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Amy Dickinson
Ask Amy |
Amy Dickinson joined Newsday in November 2003 as the newspaper's general advice columnist, following in the tradition of the legendary Ann Landers.
Prior to the Newsday, Dickinson was a frequent contributor to Time magazine, where she penned a column about family life, often drawing from her experiences as a single parent and member of a large, extended family.
In addition to writing for Time, Dickinson provided commentary for National Public Radio's "All Things Considered" and to "Sunday Morning" on CBS. She worked as a producer for NBC News in New York and Washington, D.C., and has written for The Washington Post, Esquire, Allure and O magazine, among other publications. In the early days of the Internet, she wrote a weekly column, carried on America Online's News Channel.
Dickinson hails from the Finger Lakes region of New York and is a distant relative of poet Emily Dickinson. She is a graduate of Georgetown University and lives in Chicago with her teenage daughter.
ASK AMY
DEAR AMY: My 19-year-old son is a U.S. Marine in Iraq. At times I share stories from him with friends or close co-workers. I hate it when someone says, "Well, remember he chose to join, no one forced him. He's there because he wants to be." My son enlisted because he wanted to support his country. Did he know the risks? It feels like a slap in the face. Please help me with a quick and not too smirky comeback to these know-it-alls. Sleep well, America, because my son has your back. He is a Marine.
March 18, 2006
When should sharing a bed set off an alarm?
DEAR AMY: I've read letters in your column regarding children sleeping with parents. My boyfriend has a son in the fourth grade who has been sleeping in the same bed with his mother (my boyfriend's ex) for years, and I think this is extremely unhealthy. I have concerns that this will permanently and adversely affect his sexual development. My boyfriend doesn't like this either, but for various reasons (because he doesn't want to have problems) he has not intervened. It has bothered me to the point that I've considered reporting this to authorities. What do you think?
March 17, 2006
Mom finds MySpace a harmful disgrace
DEAR AMY: I didn't realize the harmful nature of MySpace.com until I received an anonymous copy of my 16-year-old daughter's MySpace page. She thought it was "just fun and games" when she posted provocative pictures on her home page. I was shocked when I read her Web space, which was tame by comparison to other kids from our community who have posted lewd pictures with profane comments for the world to see! I'll be monitoring my daughter's activity, if not deleting it altogether, but what about the parents who are unaware of this Web site? What has our culture degenerated to when photos of girls imitating sexual acts and wearing bras in the midst of boys are posted online for anyone to see? No wonder we are so concerned about predators. Our children are making themselves targets for anyone to exploit.
March 16, 2006
Monthly mood swing calls for doctor visit
DEAR AMY: I'm a 16-year-old girl with no real cause for complaint. I get good grades, have a great relationship with my parents. I have good friends and recently got a large role in the school musical. But this year, once a month for a week, I've been having issues with depression. I'm not sure why, nor do I really know what starts off these cycles - though they do seem to happen about the time of my period. There's no real cure except to dread the week to follow and ride it out. Sometimes these moods don't even last a week; the last one lasted for two days. I cry a lot for unknown reasons. One crying jag was so bad that I almost considered cutting myself. But I've criticized self-mutilation so many times, so I just very lightly poked my thumb with a safety pin, thought, "This is so stupid," and put it down. My parents know about my depression and are pretty supportive, and so are my friends, but mostly I don't tell anybody about it. My mom offered to take me to the doctor and maybe get some medication for me, but I thought it was a pretty sad state of affairs when a 16-year-old girl needs antidepressants. What do you think?
March 15, 2006
Adopt a plan to deal with family secret
DEAR AMY: I am 36 and was recently told that I was adopted. My mother was on her deathbed and wanted to clear her conscience. I have cried for many days and nights because the happy moments that I remember from my childhood were tarnished. I am not against adoption, but my point is that I think I would have taken the news better when I was younger. I have held a lot of anger toward my parents because of the way I was told about this. Slowly, each day passes and I am starting to get over the whole thing. I have a close relationship with my father and so do my children. My kids do not know about this. As for my birth parents, I have no clue about their identity. I have filled out paperwork to see if I can find out about them. What do you think about this?
March 14, 2006
Friend's size weighs heavily on her mind
DEAR AMY: I am in a PhD program at one of the most competitive schools in the country. I have become a great friend with one of my classmates, "Wendy." She is a superstar with an Ivy League education. She is very loving and outgoing, and she is friends with everyone. As I have gotten to know her, I've come to realize how insecure Wendy is. She hates herself. She thinks that because she is a size 16, she is worthless and that no man will ever want to be with her (something her mother apparently told her and she firmly believes it). When she finally starts dating someone, she sabotages the relationship because she thinks there must be something wrong with a guy who would want to date a fat girl. This self-loathing has begun to affect her research and is making her extremely depressed (or perhaps the depression makes her self-loathe?) I tell her that I refuse to listen to her put herself down and that she is not seeing herself as we all do, but it does not sink in. She is definitely not fishing for compliments; I think it is a cry for help. I'm at a total loss. How do you tell a woman you love and admire that she needs therapy? I'm worried that she will continue this downward spiral until she does something drastic.
March 13, 2006
Tough cycle of life for wife to handle
DEAR AMY: Please help me handle this like a sane woman. So far, I'm not doing a good job. My husband and I have been married for more than 25 years. We have two teenagers living at home. We golf together, enjoy working in the yard and doing home projects. We also have hobbies that we do on our own. About three months ago, my husband mentioned that he wanted to get a motorcycle. This is the first time he was even remotely interested in them. After realizing I was making the motorcycle more desirable by resisting it, I told him it was OK with me, although I would rather he purchase something the family could enjoy. I am petrified of riding it with him, though he says he wants to take me out when he feels more comfortable driving it (I don't see that happening). I am very worried about him getting hurt, and I am distressed that he is already taking time away from our family to ride it. Every time he goes out on his motorcycle, I get furious. I want to live happily again with my new "Harley" guy!
March 12, 2006
ASK AMY
DEAR AMY: I come from a very close family. I am close to my siblings and their children. Most concerns are easy for us to discuss, but I worry that others will cause hurt feelings.
March 11, 2006
Considering a trip to meet online 'love'
DEAR AMY: I think I'm going to marry a certain girl. She's great. I mean, thinking about her makes me happier than anything. We really get each other and talk for hours. But I've never met her. She lives almost across the country. We only know each other online or through letters. But I love her. I'm pretty sure she loves me, but I'm afraid to meet her. I'm not the best-looking guy, and she is gorgeous. She is the reason I haven't dated for a whole year. I consider other girls, and then I think about how they're not her, and how they couldn't possibly be as good as she is. She has admitted to having the same problem and tells me that she loves me, but I don't know - she has dated a handful of guys in the 3 1/2 years we've known each other, and all of them fell through. One time, we talked about long-distance relationships, and she said she wants someone close. I think that if I met her and we hit it off, I would be willing to relocate. But what happens if she doesn't want me? What if I'm not attractive enough? I don't know if I could take rejection. Is there any way not to get crushed by this? Should I go to see her? If I do, how long of a trip would be the right length? Should I stay with her (she has offered a few times), or get a hotel room? Worried
March 10, 2006
Engaged cashier has a crush on customer
DEAR AMY: I am an attractive woman in my late 20s, working as a clerk for a large drugstore chain. I have been engaged for three years. In the few months I have worked at this drugstore, a middle-age man, "Bert," comes in every Sunday morning, buying various things. I have found myself very much attracted to him, and he is always on my mind. We usually talk while I check out his purchases, and he is very nice and funny. I have no idea if he is married or dating, as it has never come up. He often winks or smiles at me, so I think he has similar feelings for me. I brought him up in a conversation with my fiance, and I know that he now suspects me of liking Bert - and he is right. I am afraid to get married to him if I still have feelings for Bert. Yesterday, Bert came in and bought a box of condoms. I don't know if this means he is married or just has a girlfriend, as he has never bought anything like this before. I am worried about this, Amy. I don't want to embarrass myself or have Bert stop coming here to shop. At least I want to be friends. Help!
March 9, 2006
By George, don't date like Costanza
DEAR AMY: I am in my early 50s and have been divorced for two years. I'm having a problem with dating protocol. Generally when I go out with a woman, I have a good time. I attribute this to maturity and the simple fact that I go out with nice people. My question is simple. If I go out with a woman two or three times and have a good time but don't want to go out with her again, do I have an obligation to call the woman to tell her that I won't be seeing her again, or can I simply not call? I don't want to be rude, but I am lost as to what the expectation is. Without sounding too much like an episode of "Seinfeld," after how many dates do I have to call to tell a woman that I won't be calling again?
March 8, 2006
Is marriage without sex worth keeping?
DEAR AMY: I am a 55-year-old woman married for two years to a 63-year-old man. During our courtship of six months, we shared an adequate sex life, but after he moved into my home (and our subsequent marriage), we have only been intimate about six times in the past two years. There is no physical reason for his problem. We have gone to counseling and he says that he loves me but that he operates on two levels. He feels that sex has nothing to do with love. I feel betrayed, hurt, rejected and lonely, but we both still love each other. I am struggling with either being celibate for the rest of my life or divorcing this man and remaining platonic friends. My husband has not been abused, nor is he a latent homosexual. He says it would take years of therapy to get to the bottom of his problem. He says that if I am willing to accept the status quo, we should stay together. Is giving up one's sexuality to remain in a marriage too much of a sacrifice? Would I be compromising myself and setting myself up for future resentments?
March 7, 2006
Online is no place to shop for friends
DEAR AMY: I'm 13. I have been home-schooled for the last several years. I like it very much. Although I have many friends, I don't get to see them or talk to them on the phone all that often (a lot of them live abroad). I correspond with them mainly by e-mail and instant messaging. I have an older sister (22) and a brother (18), and I am very close to them, but they're away at college. Last year, I met "Charlie" online. He is 17. We IM'd each other a lot and talked on the phone as well (so I definitely know that he is who he says he is). We thought of ways that we could eventually meet in real life, so I told my sister about him and she said I'd have to ask our parents. Well, they weren't happy about it and said I'd have to break off the whole relationship. I did. A week or so ago I got in touch with a friend of Charlie's who is 16. "Brad" lives about 30 minutes away from me. A friendship with him seems to be forming. I don't want for this friendship to end up the same way it did with Charlie. I completely understand my parents' point of view, but it's not as if I'm going online and searching for random people to be friends with who live nearby. But there aren't any kids my age for me to hang out with in my neighborhood. Other than that, I'm pretty content with everything. What should I do?
March 6, 2006
Proxy pregnancy weighs on a union
DEAR AMY: Greg, my wife's best friend from high school, is gay. He and his boyfriend have been "married" for several years and want to have a child. My wife agreed to carry Greg's baby. I'm outraged at Greg for even asking my wife. I don't want her having sex with Greg, and I don't want her pregnant with his baby. She had a rough pregnancy with our daughter, and I don't want her constantly sick and irritable during those nine months if it's not my child. I could never be comfortable being intimate with her again, knowing that she could be comparing me to Greg. We've had fights about it. She claims it's because I'm against gays, which isn't true. I don't want my marriage to fall apart over this.
March 5, 2006
ASK AMY
DEAR AMY: I was a first-time visitor to a mainline denominational church recently. The first words out of the pastor's mouth were "I'm going to tell you a joke. It's OK because a blonde told it to me." Then, he recited a dumb-blonde joke to a huge audience. I was so offended, I moved so that he would not serve me communion. His joke doesn't belong in church. Is it appropriate to speak up during the service that his words were offensive? Should I have left? Should I have said something to the pastor or church board?
March 4, 2006
Little voice inside is shouting again
DEAR AMY: I'm a very accomplished woman - young, attractive ... seem to have the world going for me. ... hold a PhD in an in-demand field. In most respects, my life is a dream. But I am the worst at relationships. I left my marriage three years ago. I married a man who was "absent" both emotionally and physically (a workaholic). Now I'm involved with a man who is not absent, but we fight all the time. He is the most wonderful guy, but this fighting is wearing me down. He says I have a lot of unresolved anger from events in my childhood. My childhood was not a happy one, but I went to counseling for five years and feel that I have resolved most of my issues. I feel that he sometimes locks in on specific issues in our relationship and pushes really, really hard until we end up fighting. My question is, do I listen to a man who I think has my well-being at heart or do I listen to that little voice inside of me and allow the relationship to end? My little voice told me to marry my first husband, so I don't really trust it anymore.
March 3, 2006
Who's Dad, and who's not Dad?
DEAR AMY: When my daughter was 5 months old, I ended up leaving her father because of emotional and mental abuse. Luckily, I started dating my now-husband when my daughter was 9 months old. She is now 5. Through the years, her biological father has had an on-again, off-again relationship with her. He is only allowed to visit with her once a week (court orders) because of his unreliable past with visitation. My daughter sees her stepdad every day of the week. My husband and I have expressed to her that she has two dads - her biological father, whom she calls "Dad," and her stepdad, whom she calls by his first name. She had gotten used to this. However, on a recent outing with her biological father, my daughter told him the story, only to be told that she was wrong and that she only has one dad. Now my daughter is confused. She even went as far as to ask me to tell her biological father that she has two dads. I am at a loss as to what to tell her. I desperately need your advice. My biggest concern is to have my daughter grow up in an environment that is "normal" and not confusing.
March 2, 2006
Looking for gal pals as you get older
DEAR AMY: I am a 41-year-old woman who has been happily married for 10 years. My husband is my best friend. The problem is that lately I feel like he is my only friend. Although I consider myself shy, I never had any problem making and keeping friends when I was younger. As the years go by, my old friendships have fizzled out and it's almost impossible to find new people that I have anything in common with. I don't hang out with the younger singles, and I rarely meet a married woman my age without kids. My husband and I have only a few "couple" friends that we socialize with, and most of them were his friends when we met. I would just like one or two friends who have time to return a phone call or go out for a drink. I am an independent contractor, so I can't even make friends at work! Is something wrong with me?
March 1, 2006
Adult needs to know about teen's rape
DEAR AMY: I am 13 years old and in a very difficult situation. A very good friend recently told me that her 16-year-old sister was raped. Her sister has a history of sneaking out, which her parents know about, but she hasn't told them about this. My friend says that she will not betray her sister's trust and tell her parents, but I think that they need to know. I haven't told anyone because she doesn't want me to. What should I do?
February 28, 2006
Nickname reversal could make it worse
DEAR AMY: This is responding to the letter from a writer who asked how she could get her sister to stop shortening her son's name from "Alexander" to "Al." She should create a little nickname for "Auntie" in response. Each time her son is referred to as Al, she should refer to Auntie by her unwanted nickname. If Auntie says, "I love Al's new toy," she should respond with a smile and say, "Oh, Alexander, Aunt 'Fluffy' loves your new toy!" She'll then know how it feels to be called by an unwanted name. This technique works!
February 27, 2006
What to do when Mommy's at war
DEAR AMY: My 24-year-old daughter is active Air Force and stationed in the Mideast. She is divorced and her ex is stationed in Alaska (also Air Force), so her 3½-year-old daughter is living with my husband, our two teenage children and me. Although "Emma" has stayed with us for two previous tours, this time seems the worst. She is upset more, looking up at passing planes, pleading, "Mommy, come back!" It is heartbreaking. We've made a "Mommy Calendar," where we check off the days until Mommy is expected to return. I've shown her a globe of where we are in relation to where Mommy is (a tough concept for a 3-year-old). How do I convince her that Mommy is coming back? Is Emma's sadness just something she needs to go through and will quickly forget once her Mom is back home? I tell her constantly how happy I am that she is with us and I can take care of her until Mommy comes back, that I love her and will always protect her. Is this enough?
February 26, 2006
ASK AMY
DEAR AMY: Our home is small but quite comfortable. Animals do not fit our lifestyle or our house. Out-of-town friends want to spend a few days with us, and I don't want to make them uncomfortable by asking them if they're bringing their dog "Muffin." We're hoping they don't bring him, of course, but how can we handle it if they do. Worried in Wyoming
February 25, 2006
When should a date reveal health secret?
DEAR AMY: I have recently rejoined the dating scene after being in a serious relationship for seven years, during which time I was diagnosed with lupus. I have met someone and am interested in pursuing a relationship with him, but I don't know when it would be appropriate to share this information. I didn't mention that I had this disease upfront because I didn't think it necessary for me to reveal this personal information right away. It is not a communicable disease, plus I was afraid it might "scare" people off. However, I'm afraid that if I wait too long, then I might make people upset with me for hiding this secret. When is it right to tell?
February 24, 2006
Instead of snooping, focus on your future
DEAR AMY: I am a senior in high school. One of my close friends was accepted to a very prestigious Ivy League university. I spent the night at her house and found her application while I was alone in her room. While looking at it, I discovered that she lied about several of her extracurricular activities. I am torn about what to do. If the school finds out, she will have her acceptance rescinded. She is very smart and deserves to go to college, but it is not right that she lied. She can probably still apply to a state school if her admission is revoked, but telling anyone means admitting that I was snooping around her room and possibly losing other people's trust. What should I do, if anything?
February 23, 2006
Stop being a baby about dad's family
DEAR AMY: I am a recent college graduate with a decent job, my own apartment, a loving boyfriend and wonderful friends. My parents divorced seven years ago, and my mother died almost two years ago. My father, 50, recently became engaged to a woman, 40, he has been dating for more than two years. My family and I are happy about this. But I found out that they've been lying to me about the reason for the prospective marriage - she became pregnant two months ago, and they decided to have the baby without mentioning it to anyone - then announced their engagement. My father expected me to be completely happy and supportive. Instead, I was furious. I decided to give myself some time before I spoke to either of them again. I can't figure out how to support such an irresponsible decision. He will be 70 when this child goes to college. There will be no siblings, grandparents or cousins near the child's age as it grows up. As I begin to think about starting a family of my own, I am disgusted that a child I may have in the next few years will be the same age as my child's uncle or aunt.
February 22, 2006
Seek mediation, for new baby's sake
DEAR AMY: I was dating this guy for 2 1/2 years and am now pregnant. He wanted me to abort the pregnancy, and I decided not to do that. Well, he broke up with me because he feels that since he's the man I should have done what he wanted and that I am trying to trap him. I try to be sympathetic to how he feels and assure him that he can still do all he wants with his life. We work together, which makes it more difficult. He says I have ruined his life and will not tell anyone in his family about my pregnancy. We are an interracial couple; his racial comments also concern me. I still love him and don't understand how he can walk away like that. I also feel that his parents have a right to know about this. He should be the one to tell them, but what if he won't?
February 21, 2006
Daughter's marriage preceded her wedding
DEAR AMY: My daughter's wedding is coming up and my heart is broken. I know that she and her "fiance" will have a very happy marriage. The problem is I just discovered they are already married! They don't realize that I know this. My daughter has planned every detail of the wedding and we've had a wonderful time making the arrangements. This isn't for my benefit because I believe everyone is entitled to whatever kind of wedding they want. Although her dad and I have always wanted her to have a traditional wedding, we would have been fine with a private ceremony. If they wanted to be married privately, why didn't they just leave it at that? If they truly wanted a church wedding with family and friends, why didn't they just wait the few months and be honest about it? I know she isn't pregnant. My daughter and I are extremely close. Now that I know the truth, I feel like all of this is a big farce and the joke's on me. I haven't told her dad. How should I deal with this? I definitely won't confront her before the wedding because I wouldn't do anything to diminish her happiness, but should I just go on pretending that I don't know the truth?
February 20, 2006
Gay neighbors deserve apology
DEAR AMY: My husband and I have lived in our quiet suburban Denver neighborhood for six years. About two years ago, two young gay men moved in across the street. They've taken the ugliest, most rundown property in the neighborhood and remodeled and transformed it into the pride of the street. When it snows, they shovel out my car and are friendly, yet they mostly keep to themselves. Last month I went out to retrieve my newspaper and watched them kiss each other goodbye and embrace as they each left for work. I was appalled that they would do something like that in plain view of everyone. I was so disturbed that I spoke to my pastor. He encouraged me to draft a letter, telling them how much we appreciate their help but asking them to refrain from that behavior in our neighborhood. I did so and asked a few of our neighbors to sign it. Since I delivered it, I've not been able to get them to even engage me in conversation. I offer greetings but they've chosen to ignore me. They have made it so uncomfortable for the other neighbors and me by not even acknowledging our presence. How would you suggest we open communications with them and explain to them that we value their contributions to the neighborhood but will not tolerate watching unnatural and disturbing behavior.
February 19, 2006
ASK AMY
DEAR AMY: I've been writing to a pen pal for four years who lives 3,000 miles away and is married.
February 18, 2006
Health, not finances, may veto a third baby
DEAR AMY: I am a soon-to-be 40-year-old happily married woman and full-time mother of two beautiful girls, ages 4 and 2 1/2. Before having children, I suffered three miscarriages, one with twins in my second trimester. To conceive my first child, we went through extreme fertility treatments. Being a mom has given me the greatest joy ever! Since my youngest was literally 5 minutes old, I knew that I wanted/needed to have a third child to feel complete. Last summer, I miscarried. My husband was initially not happy about the pregnancy. After my miscarriage, he became surer that he didn't want a third child. He is concerned because of my age, but he says the financial concern is his biggest worry. I don't put a price on children. This desire to have a third child is so strong that I am depressed to think that it might not happen. My oldest will be in school five days a week and my youngest for three days. I talked to a social worker after this last miscarriage, but I don't think seeing a social worker again would be helpful.
