Prior to the game, the Redskins placed prized No. 1 draft pick Sean Taylor on the inactive list, owing to a driving arrest. Tuesday Morning Quarterback has learned that the Democratic National Committee hired a Taylor look-alike to drive around the Washington area, hoping to get arrested. Meanwhile, the Republican National Committee hired a Brett Favre look-alike to wander through the Pentagon, sticking his head into meetings and saying, "I would have found the explosives." This double was supposed to get arrested too, but instead, Pentagon workers mistook him for the real Favre and asked for autographs.

Next, the Republican National Committee secretly supplied extremely skimpy two-piece outfits to the Redskins cheerleaders, which normally ensures victory for the home team. But the Democratic National Committee secretly arranged for a total eclipse of the full Moon, nullifying the advantage conferred by scantily attired cheer-babes. You don't want to know how much soft money it takes to arrange a total eclipse of the full Moon!

Finally the game was played, and it all boiled down to this. Green Bay 20, Washington 14, Redskins facing third-and-8 on the Packers' 43 with 2:43 remaining. If the Packers just play straight defense, a stop is likely. Instead, it's a blitz -- seven Green Bay gentlemen cross the line. TMQ has learned that the Republican National Committee used jamming devices to take over Green Bay's headset system, and made this defensive call. Sure enough, as the Packers go max-blitz, it's an easy touchdown pass to Clinton Portis, the Redskins will win, George W. Bush will be reelected! But wait, penalty against Washington, illegal shift: call not reviewable. TMQ has learned that the Democratic National Committee kidnapped the zebras and replaced them with party officials. Touchdown pass nullified, interception for the Packers on the next snap, Green Bay wins. If history holds, this makes John Kerry the next president. Except on an exclusive basis, TMQ has learned that Ralph Nader was observed in a trenchcoat on the sidelines.

In other NFL news, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello announced that if Indianapolis and Kansas City meet again in the playoffs, all defensive players will be required to wear Nomex flame-protection suits. "We're worried about the offensive players setting defenders on fire as they go past them so quickly," Aiello explained. "It's a safety issue."

And in still other NFL news, two weeks ago the Kansas City Chiefs and Green Bay Packers were a combined 3-8. Now both have rolled over opponents for two consecutive weeks. We have not heard the last of Green Bay and Kansas City, methinks.

Stats of the Week

Kansas City has scored 101 points in its last two games.

Stats of the Week No. 2

Denver and Indianapolis both exceeded 500 yards of offense, and lost.

Stats of the Week No. 3

New England gave up its first turnover-return touchdown since the Patriots' winning streak began in 2003.

Stats of the Week No. 4

Daunte Culpepper is on pace to break Dan Marino's single-season record for passing yards, while Peyton Manning is on pace to break Marino's single-season record for touchdown passes.

Stats of the Week No. 5

Counting sacks, New England coaches called passes on 29 consecutive plays. Counting downs nullified by penalty, Denver coaches called passes on 18 consecutive plays. Both teams lost.

Stats of the Week No. 6

Since taking the field for their Super Bowl appearances, Carolina and Oakland are a combined 7-26.

Stats of the Week No. 7

Kansas City recorded 590 yards of offense, 33 first downs and 233 return yards.

Stats of the Week No. 8

Buffalo scored 38 points despite just 209 yards of offense.

Stats of the Week No. 9

The Tony Dungy-coached Colts are now last in defense, surrendering an average 419 yards per game.

Stats of the Week No. 10

When Indianapolis and Kansas City played in January, Kansas City scored 31 points and lost. When Indianapolis and Kansas City played Sunday, Indianapolis scored 35 points and lost.

Stats of the Week No. 11

Atlanta is third in the league in rushing, and its top rusher is -- Michael-Mike Vick.

Stats of the Week No. 12

The teams with the three top-ranked defenses -- Washington, Buffalo and Tampa Bay -- are a combined 6-15.

Stats of the Week No. 13

The teams with the three top-ranked offenses -- Minnesota, Indianapolis and Kansas City -- are a combined 12-9.

Stats of the Week No. 14

San Diego, the 2003 last-place finisher, is currently the highest-scoring team in the league.

Literary Cheerleader of the Week

Broncos cheerleader Keela Harris and TMQ are both fans of Bill Cosby.

Sweet Play of the Week

In losses to Houston and Jacksonville, Kansas City faced a late third down and, had it converted, could have held the ball for the win or to force overtime; both times the Chiefs failed and ended up losing the game. Leading Indianapolis 38-35 with 2:18 remaining, the Chiefs faced third-and-5 on the Colts' 14. Kansas City play-faked, Tony Gonzalez ran the zed-in, touchdown -- finally a successful late-game third-down conversion.

Sweet Play of the Week No. 2

Leading 6-3, Tennessee faced fourth-and-goal on the Cincinnati 1 with two seconds remaining in the first half. Yours truly would have taken the field goal. The Flaming Thumbtacks play-faked then rolled right, touchdown pass from Billy Volek to who-dat tight end Shad Meier. The play-fake numbered among the sweetest TMQ has seen.

Sour Play of the Week

Trailing 31-10, New England reached first-and-goal on the Pittsburgh 7. To that point, Flying Elvii coaches had called 20 consecutive passing plays. Nevertheless, on first down, New England ran a play fake, incompletion. On second down, New England ran a play fake, incompletion. On third down, New England ran a play fake, incompletion, field goal on fourth down. Who's going to fall for play fakes when you've thrown 20 consecutive times?

Sour Play of the Week No. 2

The "trips" formation -- three wide receivers on the same side -- used to be considered exotic. But then women kissing used to be considered exotic, and now, on MTV, is considered old-fashioned. Similarly, today the trips set is commonly seen in high school games. Game scoreless, Jersey/B came out in a trips left on the Miami 35. Wayne Chrebet, the inside man among the three, simply ran straight up the field, single-covered by Junior Seau, a linebacker: touchdown reception. Miami seemed so confused by the trips formation that only a linebacker was available to cover a receiver deep. And if they were that confused, why didn't Dolphins defenders form their hands into a "T" and stop the action?

Sweet 'N' Sour Play of the Week

Trailing 14-7, Dallas faced fourth-and-3 on the Detroit 35. Rather than launch some mincing fraidy-cat punt, the 'Boys did the correct Maroon Zone thing and went for it, 7-yard run up the middle by Vinny Testaverde. Detroit lined up on the play as if expecting a Hail Mary game-ending pass -- the Lions had four down linemen but no linebackers inside the "box," everyone but the down linemen backed off. That meant Dallas had five offensive linemen to block four defensive linemen; Testaverde saw this and alertly audibled for a quarterback sneak. For the aging Testaverde to rush for a critical first down was sweet; for Detroit to be lined up in what amounted to a "prevent" formation on fourth-and-short was sour. Roster note: At kickoff of the Detroit-Dallas game, Keyshawn Johnson was the sole Cowboys wide receiver dressed who had a career catch.

Jobs May Be Going Overseas, Deficits May Be Mounting, But America Still Leads the World in Beverage Convenience

The new Honda Odyssey Touring minivan has 17 cupholders.

Hidden Play

Hidden plays are those that will never appear on highlight reels, but stop or sustain drives. On Monday night, Miami on its opening possession moved the ball to first-and-10 on the Jersey/B 41. The Ventral Fins called the "flea flicker," on which the running back takes the handoff and pitches back to the quarterback. Marty Booker dropped the pass at the Jets 5; the drive stalled and ended in a punt, meaning Miami failed to take a quick lead on the road. True, the pass wasn't perfectly thrown, but Booker had both hands on it. And as John Jefferson of the Chargers used to say: If you can put one hand on the ball, you can catch it, and if you can put two hands on the ball you must catch it. The dropped pass near the goal line seemed to take the steam out of the Dolphins -- a classic hidden play.

Why Are You Punting???

Trailing 15-10, Baltimore faced fourth-and-6 on its own 38 with 2:11 remaining. True, fourth-and-6 from your own side of the field is risky, but this was the do or die point of the game! Boom goes the punt. When the Ravens got the ball back, they were on their own 29 with 1:34 remaining and no timeouts.

This Survey Made TMQ Want to Rent a BMW and Drive Around Looking for Women In Peugeots

A survey in the German magazine Men's Car concluded that male BMW owners and female Peugeot owners get the most sex, while both male and female owners of Porsches experience the least sex. Even guys who own Kias, Men's Car found, get more nooky than guys who own Porsches, while women who own Audis enjoy sex almost twice as often as women who own Porsches. TMQ has these reactions: 1) You've got to be in your 60s to afford a Porsche, so let's be realistic; 2) Yes, France is the nation of romance, but just sitting in a French-built car makes women hot?; 3) Guys, if you always longed for a BMW, at least now you know why.

Note that when German companies sell things in the United States, they sometimes use German words to sound prestigious. The Mercedes Kompressor models, for example -- kompressor means turbocharger auf Deutsche. But when German companies sell things in Germany, they use English to sound prestigious. The magazine is called Men's Car, not Autos für Männer.

Earnest Wilford Mistake of the Week

"ERRR-nest WILLL-ford, ERRR-nest WILLL-ford," chanted TMQ and my nine-year-old Spenser, a Jax fan, as the Jaguars marched down the field against Houston for what might have been another buzzer-beater win. The stage was set: Jacksonville trailed by a touchdown with 52 seconds remaining, and Wilford had not caught a ball all day, since this gentleman makes his mark only in the final two minutes. Byron Leftwich drops back, he throws to an open Ernest Wilford -- the ball bounces off Wilford's hands and is intercepted by Demarcus Faggins of Houston, who returns it for the game-icing touchdown.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again!

In the Green Bay-Washington game, the Redskins sent a corner blitz on first down, incompletion; sent a corner blitz on second down, incompletion; sent a corner blitz on third down, 18-yard completion to Javon Walker for the first. Green Bay scored a touchdown on the drive to take a 10-0 lead that caused cheering at the Democratic National Committee headquarters.

Dwayne-Rudd-Class Play of the Week

Houston leading Jax 7-0, Jabar Gaffney of the Moo Cows took the ball on the end-around, turned upfield and had an unobstructed path to the end zone. Gaffney started to wave the ball around before getting to paydirt; he lost control at the Jacksonville 1 and the ball rolled out of the end zone, touchback Jax. To top it off, Gaffney jumped up into the crowd to celebrate as officials were busily overturning his touchdown. In the Detroit-Dallas game, Dre Bly of the Lions started waving the ball around 30 yards from the end zone on an interception return, and was lucky he didn't lose it too. Oh ye mortals, give not the football gods reason to knock the ball from your hands as punishment for hubris. Note: I don't wish to alarm you, but the Texans are now 4-3 and eighth in the NFL on offense.

What the Favre?

Brett Favre was penalized 15 yards for throwing a low block.

Kansas City Note

My father, George, was once flying on an American Airlines jetliner that was hit by lightning. (Large aircraft are "internally grounded" for lightning management.) When he got off at his destination, my dad looked back at the plane and saw that much of the red AMERICAN logo had been scorched off the fuselage. That is how the Atlanta Falcons and Indianapolis Colts, the last two teams to play the Kansas City Chiefs, must feel today. Both teams left their games against the Chiefs with the logos practically scorched off their helmets.

TMQ's Health Care Solution

Studies have shown that many prescription drugs are forms of psychological therapy and even types of surgical operations are not significantly more effective than placebos. This causes reformers to express outrage -- though all it may really prove is that the placebo itself is a useful tool of medicine. That is to say, it's not so much that pills and therapy do not work, it's that the placebo does work. The power of suggestion has long been recognized as significant. Probably placebos cause benefits by making you feel you've done something substantial to improve your health: gone to see a physician, swallowed a super-advanced chemical. In turn, via the power of suggestion, your belief that you've taking a substantial action helps you get better.

All of which raises the question: Why aren't placebos a standard course of treatment given by doctors and hospitals? The answer is that placebos aren't expensive enough! Therefore I plan to make my fortune by marketing the incredible new drug Placebon™.

A patented, proprietary formula consisting entirely of sugar, Placebon™ will revolutionize medicine. Elaborately packaged in individual foil doses, Placebon™ will be obtained only with a doctor's prescription. Placebon™ will be the subject of a multi-million-dollar marketing campaign consisting of costly television advertising and full-page magazine ads with hundreds of words of disclaimers. In the TV ads, smiling multicultural people will run through fields of wildflowers laughing and embracing, but the announcer will never give the slightest hint what the drug is for.

Placebon™ will be extremely expensive, thus increasing demand. Pharmaceutical companies will treat doctors to lavish dinners, send them on all-expense-paid cruises and hand out handsome "consulting" fees to get them to prescribe Placebon™. Controlled clinical studies will fail to show that Placebon™ is any more effective than standard drugs, but the manufacturer will lobby the Food and Drug Administration not to report this. Celebrities will be hired to have public breakdowns, then make spectacular recoveries by taking Placebon™. A saccharine pill, Diet Placebon™, will also be marketed. Initially, many insurers will refuse to pay for Placebon™. But as senior citizens stream across the Canadian border to buy low-cost government-subsidized Placebon™, politicians will demand that insurers pay, and the health care share of the GDP will rise again.

By converting the placebo from practically free to extremely expensive, Placebon™ will expand the benefits of the placebo effect from a tiny few who participate in clinical trials to millions of Americans. Eventually a generic will be available at discount, while the patent-holder makes a tiny molecular change in order to maintain proprietary pricing of advanced Placebon™ 24, a longer-lasting version.

Warning: Do not take Placebon™ if you are pregnant, might be pregnant or might not be pregnant. Product not suitable for anyone who is tall or short or not tall or not short or medium height. Do not take Placebon™ without first paying a large amount of money to a doctor. Side effects may include pneumonia, cancer, bubonic plague and amputation. Do not consume any kind or food within 72 hours before or after taking this product. If you had trouble getting dates in high school, Placebon™ may not be right for you. Do not operate heavy excavation equipment, tunnel-boring machines or artillery after taking Placebon™.

Maroon Zone Watch

Trailing 10-3 late in the third quarter, Jacksonville faced fourth-and-6 on the Houston 44, and punted. Set aside that Jax downed the ball on the Texans 1; when the Jaguars finally got the ball back, they were on their own 20 with the third quarter nearly over. When trailing, almost any manageable-distance fourth down in opposition territory should be a go-for-it down.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All

Trailing 20-0, Minnesota faced third-and-2 on the Jersey/A 42 in the early third quarter. This is a two-down situation, so why not just run up the middle on third down and run again if necessary on fourth? Instead the Vikings went pass-wacky, Daunte Culpepper threw an interception directly into the chest of Will Allen of the Giants, and TMQ wrote the words "game over" in his notebook.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All No. 2

Trailing 34-21 at home, Denver reached first-and-goal on the Atlanta 8 with 4:27 remaining, holding all its timeouts. Denver is an excellent rushing team. The game is being played a mile above sea level, where visitors gasp for breath in the fourth quarter. There is plenty of time to score twice. So did the Broncos pound, pound for the likely six points and then for the thrilling final minutes? Incompletion, incompletion, Jake Plummer scrambles 1 yard on a busted pass play, incompletion on fourth down and TMQ wrote the words "game over" in his notebook.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All No. 3

New England rushed just six times for 5 yards. Regardless of the scoreboard, it is impossible to win an NFL game by attempting just six rushes. A reader asks in haiku,

Are Elvii back in
TMQ's good graces, post-
big loss to Steelers?
Maureen Long, Cambridge, Mass.

Therefore, Better to Avoid Scoring Touchdowns

In a tense field-goal contest, Philadelphia scored the game's first touchdown with 9:12 remaining in the fourth quarter. Immediately, Baltimore drove to score the game's second touchdown. Often when a game is low-scoring, the defense plays extremely hard until the offense records a touchdown -- then immediately relaxes, thinking the lead is safe.

Crazy Run of the Week

Game tied at 3, the Eagles had first-and-goal on the Ravens 5. Donovan McNabb lined up in the shotgun -- can't anyone power-run from the goal line anymore? -- then scrambled right. Reaching the 1, he tried to jump heels-over-head into the end zone and fumbled, Baltimore ball. Discretion is the better part of valor! Had McNabb simply hook-slid, Philadelphia would have had second-and-goal on the Baltimore 1.

Personal Lifestyle Information We Would Rather Not Have Known

"There is nothing quite like self-flagellation on Halloween Day." Actual statement by announcer Dick Enberg during the Ravens-Eagles game.

Before Road Games, Coaches Should Explain to Cardinals Players That Those Strange Objects Up in the Stands Are Spectators

Arizona has lost 17 consecutive away games. Must be the disoriented feeling of playing in front of a crowd! Sign of Cardinals' road stupefaction -- Neil Rackers of Arizona attempted a 64-yard field goal in strong swirling winds at Ralph Wilson Stadium. The kick failed to reach the end zone.

Best Play by a Quarterback Who Actually Wants to Be in San Diego

While Eli Manning watched Kurt Warner take over the Giants' jinx on Minnesota and high-priced holdout Philip Rivers was nailed to the Chargers' pine, Drew Brees pumped left and then threw an almost no-look pass back over the middle for the touchdown to Keenan McCardell that put San Diego into a commanding 21-7 lead. I don't wish to alarm you, but the Chargers are 5-3 and Brees is the third-rated passer in the National Football League. Note: Imagine if rather than using the fourth overall pick in last April's draft on the high-priced holdout Rivers, San Diego had instead picked Kellen Winslow Jr. or Roy Williams, and added them to the suddenly bolt-like Bolts offense.

Best High School Play

Leading 6-3, Tennessee faced fourth-and-2 on the Cincinnati 41. In trotted the punt unit. A gigantic sign should have flashed on the scoreboard: WARNING, WARNING, FAKE PUNT. The Flaming Thumbtacks lined up in a high-school trick-play set with five men bunched near the right sideline, two men bunched near the left side, three men plus punter Craig Hentrich in the middle. The Candy Corns looked hopelessly confused: just one defender stood in the center across from the punter and the three blockers. Usually, in high school, this play becomes a screen to the large group at the sidelines; Cincinnati defenders crowded around that group anticipating the high-school action. No Bengals defender had the simple common sense to form his hands into the "T" symbol and stop the action. Hentrich went straight up the middle, three blocking one; got the first down; Tennessee scored a touchdown on the possession and never looked back.

Pennsylvania Resplendent!

Pennsylvania is now the NFL's leading state, with a 13-1 record; Massachusetts has fallen to second place at 6-1; New Jersey is third at 11-3. Note the old-economy Northeastern states continue to beat up on the Sun Belt (California 8-14, Florida 8-15).

Harry Potter Will Be in Grad School By Then

Columbia Pictures has announced that Spiderman 3 will open in May 2007. TMQ suggests casting Ted Washington as Spidey's ultra-enormous nemesis, the Kingpin.

Red Nine! Shift 45 Curl! B Flat, Allegro!

As noted by reader Greg Aaron among others, Eagles star Dhani Jones -- graduate of Churchill High School of Montgomery County, Md., the Official High School of TMQ's kids -- joined the Philadelphia Pops Orchestra last week as guest conductor for the Liberty Bell March . Jones is multitalented -- they teach 'em well at Churchill -- so TMQ is sure he did a solid job, though may have been tapping his baton on the Eagles playbook rather than the score. Probably the Philadelphia Pops Orchestra arranged the whole thing in hopes of getting to meet the Eagles cheerleaders.

Nice Switch

Many readers, including Mike Murray of Chico, Calif., noted that Fox local affiliates switched in the second half away from the Giants-Vikings blowout to the down-to-the-wire Detroit-Dallas game. Bravo! No one knows in advance which games will be hot, but once networks do know, they should switch.

Money for Nothing, Physics Division

Yours truly admires the pursuit of abstract knowledge -- except when pursued at high expense to taxpayers. Particle physics, which involves large machines that accelerate subatomic particles to high velocities, costs a great deal of money, most paid by taxpayers, and has little chance of ever producing information of benefit to those taxpayers. Fermilab in Batavia, Ill., the most powerful particle accelerator in the world, cost taxpayers about $1.6 billion in today's dollars to build, and costs them about $300 annually to operate. Return to taxpayers -- zero, since Fermilab is investigating such abstruse questions as the properties of the "quark," which appears to be the smallest unit of matter, and quark behavior has no applicability to energy production, national defense or anything else in the macro world. There's a tiny chance Fermilab and similar accelerators will discover something of practical value; there's also a tiny chance these facilities will inadvertently generate some subatomic substance that destroys the Earth, in a sort of reverse Big Bang. Anyway, while it's interesting to know how quarks behave, why should taxpayers fund such research? Fermilab and projects like it are basically a jobs program for physics professors and postdocs. Possibly Fermilab's sole feature of value to taxpayers is this page of physics games.

Comes now a nutty new frontier in subsidized physics research of dubious value. The Particle Physics and Astronomy Research Council of the United Kingdom is proposing to spend at least 21 million British pounds to build a "neutrino factory". Neutrinos are subatomic ghost particles once thought to have no mass, and now believed to carry extremely tiny amounts of mass under some circumstances. Already, hundreds of millions of dollars of tax funds have been invested by several nations, including the United States, in building elaborate underground detectors that search for neutrinos coming from the Sun -- research that employs physicists, but has zero practical value to taxpayers. Now the United Kingdom may trigger a race to manufacture neutrinos for the purpose of study. Is there any chance of practical value from such work? Almost none. This sort of nutty research should only be done with private funds.

Just Give a Little Whistle

"Play to the whistle!" high-school coaches endlessly excoriate their charges. Game scoreless in the Metrodome, Daunte Culpepper, feet on the 35-yard line, threw a hitch to Mewelde Moore, feet on the 34. Moore dropped the lateral like it was an angry ferret, and then stood doing nothing as Jersey/A recovered the live ball and ran down to the Vikings 22, setting up the Giants' first score. Not only do high-school coaches endlessly excoriate running backs and receivers to assume that any sideways throw is a lateral and fall on it: Moore stood watching the ball roll on the ground although the whistle had not sounded. Football gentlemen must always play to the whistle, then let the officials sort it all out.

Is there a problem with officials not blowing the whistle soon enough, and players thus getting out of the habit of listening for the whistle ending the play? TMQ has noticed that in a lot of high school and college games, especially, zebras don't seem to blow the whistle soon enough. A players' knee goes down, and then he lunges and loses the ball; it's treated as a fumble because the whistle did not sound when the knee touched. Or half-a-dozen tacklers wrap the runner up and push him back helplessly, yet the whistle does not sound until the runner actually thuds on the ground. A reader provides this haiku about slowness of whistles:

This play is over,
yet I must keep on going:
Ref, blow the whistle!
-- Jeremy McGrath, Tonawanda, N.Y.

Curious Tactics, Dr. Watson

A coaching cliché is "putting players into position to succeed." This seems nonsensical -- why would coaches not put players into position to succeed? But coaching decisions can, in fact, have a lot to do with whether players succeed. Chicago leading San Francisco 7-0 in the first quarter, the Bears facing third-and-goal on the Niners' 12. Craig Krenzel is making his first NFL start at quarterback, and looking shaky. A field goal is great for Chicago here. So coaches, call a run. Instead, Chicago coaches called a complex slow-developing pass, Krenzel held the ball too long and fumbled when hit, San Francisco takes over. The Bears went on to win, in part because in the second half, coaches called fewer passes than in the first half and put less pressure on Krenzel to make big plays -- that is, put him in position to succeed.

The Sampling Error Is Plus or Minus Three Fajitas (Sampling Error, Get It?)

A month ago, TMQ wrote, "Forget those scientific polls, if you want to know who the next president will be, check with California Tortilla. These locally owned Montgomery County, Md., eateries, the Official Rapid Food Restaurant of TMQ, have a flawless record of predicting election results via burritos. Cooks concoct a burrito named for each candidate, then keep track of how many sell: Invariably, the top-selling burrito accurately predicts the winner. Last night, the California Tortilla burrito poll closed. The final burrito count was John Kerry 1,868, George W. Bush 1,738. That's Kerry over Bush, 51.8 percent to 48.2 percent. Let's see how close that comes to today's actual vote.

This Week's Star Trek Complaint

In this radio interview, Star Trek "science advisor" Andre Bormanis more or less admits that many things in Star Trek make no sense scientifically. Bormanis says the original Captain Kirk serials of the 1960s were intended to be scientifically credible (you did have to assume warp speed and teleportation), but doesn't attempt to defend the constant time-travel plots that are plaguing the latest serial, Star Trek Enterprise. Plus, he never explains something that drives TMQ crazy about all Star Trek shows -- why, when a phaser blast hits the outside of the ship, does this cause electrical fires inside on the bridge? Wouldn't faster-than-light starcruisers have circuit-breaker panels?

Best Blocks

Once again, the Kansas City offensive line played so well this item is reserved for it alone. Representative down: Chiefs leading 21-14 in the second quarter, Kansas City called a screen pass on first-and-10. Guards Will Shields and Brian Waters blocked perfectly in front of the screen receiver, Priest Holmes, who rumbled 52 yards. On the next play, Kansas City scored to make it 28-14, and Indianapolis was in a hole. The Kansas City offensive line is playing so much better than any other offensive line that it's almost spooky.

Note: If I was going to mention any other offensive line, which I am not, the Blue Men Group had perfect "down" blocking when Shaun Alexander simply went off-tackle left and ran 44 yards, setting up the fourth-quarter touchdown that iced the Carolina-Seattle game. It's pretty fun to run for 44 yards when everyone in front of you has already been knocked to the ground. I am also not going to mention that San Diego is getting surprisingly good offensive line play from a group of gentlemen whom you have never heard of.

In the Morning We'll Have Light Airborne Pumice, Followed By Scattered Afternoon Lava

Accuweather has been forecasting the "ashfall" from a possible eruption of Mount St. Helens.

Game Being Played in TMQ's Nightmares

Cincinnati in its new road uniforms versus Tennessee in its high-school-style home uniforms. Wait -- that game was actually played Sunday.

More Signs and Portents

Cheerleaders dressed in Halloween costumes didn't do much good.

Babes tease football gods.
Change of dress causes a loss:
Broncos yield to Vick.
-- Michael DeLancey, Denver

As noted by Gabriel Martinez Tribolet of San Diego, the Bolts cheerleaders sported revealing Halloween outfits, and their team was crowned with success. The Philadelphia Eagles cheer-babes appeared, as usual, in barely more than bikinis, and their team won. Yet home losses by Denver, Minnesota and Washington, despite conspicuous cheerleader professionalism, are deeply troubling to TMQ. All I can think of is that a total eclipse of the full Moon, coupled with a Red Sox victory in the World Series, nullifies the normal advantage conferred by nearly naked cheer-babes. Nevertheless, these signs and portents are unsettling. The football gods continue to be restive. Watch for omens such as birds flying north. Even with the New England streak ended, TMQ feels something else mighty is about to happen.

Running Items Department

Obscure College Score of the Week

Chattanooga 59, Appalachian 56. Sixteen touchdowns were scored and 1,337 yards of offense gained in this contest, which made the Indianapolis at Kansas City game seem like a defensive struggle. Chattanooga had an amazing 17 possessions -- ending in eight touchdowns, a field goal, five punts, two fumbles and a turnover on downs. The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga calls itself a "metropolitan university". Just the ticket for metrosexuals!

Bonus Obscure College Score

Hamline 75, Macalaster 20. Located in St. Paul, Minn., Hamline University offers graduate-level courses that include "The History of Relations Between Humans and Animals" and "Home: An Interdisciplinary Study."

Double Bonus Obscure Score

Hastings 60, Dana 35. As noted by reader James Stevenson, Dana quarterback Tom Lensch threw 101 passes; Dana ran the ball nine times. Located in Blair, Neb., Dana College has just 560 students, 93 of whom are on the football active roster with another 10 being redshirted.

Cover-Your-Eyes College Score

East Stroudsburg 55, Cheyney 0. Cheyney has been outscored 511-51. Cheyney coach Lee Brown's postgame speech: "Well, boys, if we score 460 points in our final game against Kutztown, we can really turn things around."

Obscure College Game of the Year

It's Indianapolis of Pennsylvania at California of Pennsylvania this coming Saturday, Nov. 6. Kickoff is 1 p.m. at Adamson Stadium. You can listen to the game here. And really, what are you doing at 1 p.m. Saturday that is more important than listening to the Obscure College Game of the Year?

Reader Animadversion

Got a comment or a deeply felt grievance? Register it at TMQNFL@yahoo.com. Include your name and hometown, and I may quote from your email and cite your name and hometown unless you instruct me otherwise.

Last week's column said humid air was harder to kick a long field goal through than dry air. Many kickers certainly believe this -- it's assumed that water vapor in the air resists passage of the ball, via tiny amounts of friction. But numerous readers, including Roberto Gasparini, a Ph.D student in atmospheric science at Texas A&M, told TMQ that humid air is lighter than dry air and thus resists a flying football less. Dry air consists of molecules of diatomic nitrogen (atomic weight 28) and diatomic oxygen (atomic weight 32); as air becomes humid, some of these are displaced by water vapor (atomic weight 18). The lower atomic weight of water vapor means humid air is less dense than dry air, Gasparini says, and thereby easier to kick through.

In the Week 7 Philadelphia-Cleveland game, the Browns scored a touchdown with a few seconds remaining in regulation, then kicked a PAT to force overtime. Many readers, including Jeremy Zetouny of Tel Aviv, Israel, asked: Why didn't Cleveland go for two and the win? The Browns' chances of winning in overtime were maybe 50-50, Zetouny supposes, whereas their chances of gaining the two yards needed for the deuce conversion were much higher -- NFL teams are successful on about two-thirds of tries on fourth-and-2, which is essentially what a two-point situation is. The incredible crowd energy that would have flowed, had Cleveland gone for two, might have knocked the Eagles over on its own. Or Cleveland might have run a deuce attempt as a fake from kicking formation, and surely taken the Eagles off-guard. Instead Cleveland kicked for one and then lost in the extra session.

TMQ can't recall a recent NFL team that went for two to win or lose at the end of regulation, rather than kicking the singleton and proceeding to overtime. Closest I can think of: Buffalo was at the Miami goal line when a 1999 playoff game ended with the Dolphins ahead 24-17; Coach Wade Philips later said that if the Bills had scored he would have gone for two and the win, but only because several Buffalo players had left the game injured, meaning the team would have been shorthanded in overtime. Not going for the win at the end of regulation is a matter of coaches wanting to avoid criticism. If the coach orders the team to go for two and the attempt fails, then the coach is blamed for the loss; if he plays it safe and take a single point for overtime and loses, then the players are blamed. A reader haikuizes,

Two-point or O-time?
Coaches take the safe way out:
always go OT.
-- Adam Swejk, Columbus, Ohio

Yotam Kaufman of Jerusalem, Israel, writes, "Did you notice that in The Return of the King, the Orc commander yells 'fire!' when he wants his minions to shoot arrows? I find it unlikely the 'fire' command was used before the advent of firearms."

Mike Enos of Phoenix, Ariz., asked, "Is there any way I could convince you to turn the analytical powers of TMQ to this year's Sports Illustrated 40th anniversary swimsuit issue? I'm looking for some analysis about whether a painted-on suit really qualifies as a swimsuit -- or some sort of statistical insight into the number of pictures that only feature half a suit?"

Mike, you noted something caught by many alert Sports Illustrated readers, that apparently the modern string bikini covers way too much, so the only common-sense alternative is to unlace parts. The cover model's top was off, for example. According to this incredibly scientifically advanced analysis by Josh Levin of Slate.com, the latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue included 36 pictures of women in swimsuits, but of them there were "15 women wearing only part of their suits and positioned strategically next to inner tubes, barns, etc., plus six women wearing nothing but body paint." Levin further noted that the issue contained "11 interviews with members of the Swimsuit Hall of Fame." Considering that the Pro Football Hall of Fame initiation ceremonies are broadcast each year from Canton, why aren't the Swimsuit Hall of Fame initiation ceremonies on television?

A reader offers this haiku of shameless praise for the column: No Tuesday lunch out!
Company chili at desk --
TMQ tasty.
-- Linda Robinson, Arlington, Mass.

Last Week's Challenge

Last week's was to name the first football-related legislative priority of the new president, whoever he may be.

If the uniform fits, no reason not to wear it.

Maria of Lancaster, Pa., suggests the president require NFL players to wear see-through jerseys. Arthur Chen of Castle Rock, Colo., suggests a minimum-wage law for cheer-babes, including mandatory time-and-a-half for all instances of cheerleader professionalism -- that is, flouncing around half-clad even when it's cold. Mat Russell of New Market, N.H., suggests outlawing the NFL TV post-touchdown format of commercials, kickoff, more commercials. Aaron Kleinman of Washington, DC, suggests legislation to allow the reimportation of low-cost sidearm-throwing quarterbacks from the Canadian Football League.

Matt Hinton proposes a Leave No Drive Behind bill that would "require teams to go for it on fourth down when trailing and in opponents' territory in the second half." Kosta Karlos of Chicago suggests a New England Patriots Act, which would give the government special powers to wiretap, open mail and inspect computer records to uncover how the Patriots won so many games.

Paul Noonan of New York City wants legislation forbidding NFL zebras from saying "prior to the snap, false start," since false start can only occur prior to the snap. W. M. Whitaker of Level Green, Pa., suggests "eliminating the electoral college and the popular vote and simply letting Redskins games decide all presidential elections." Aaron Still of the United States Naval Academy wants legislation guaranteeing that every American city sees NFL games at least as good as the ones shown that week in Iran -- this Sunday, Iran saw Colts at Chiefs and Panthers at Seahawks.

This week's winner is Scott Buhanan of Salt Lake City, who provided an entire legislative agenda for the first 90 days of the new president. Buhanan's proposals included: "Pardon Al Davis; raise the minimum wage for NFL cheerleaders; use Department of Homeland Security agents as seat-fillers at Sun Devil Stadium; supply cheap prescription drugs for injured Carolina Panthers players; provide Medicare coverage for stick-um for Seattle wide receivers; proclaim Ernest Wilford Day." Buhanan is a software engineer and Raiders fan who says he "enjoys hypothetical moonlit beach walks with Eagles cheerleaders." In keeping with this year's Challenge policy, his prize is a sentence of shameless praise. Here it is: "Move over, Bill Gates -- Scott Buhanan is the new 800-pound gorilla of software engineering." Scott, put this quote in your resume, and just don't mention that it was NFL.com that said this about you.

This Week's Challenge

Suppose the starship Enterprise went backward in time to alter NFL history. What aspect of the NFL timeline should be changed by time travelers from the future? Use the link at Reader Animadversion.

Next Week

Exclusive polls of the 2008 presidential campaign!