(Nov. 9, 2004) -- "It's unbelievable!" Joe Theismann of ESPN declared
during the Cleveland-Baltimore game. What's unbelievable? The Ravens'
new practice facility, which has a 10,000-square-foot weight room,
full-service cafeteria and video-game room. Sounds nice. But Joe, you
saw it with your own eyes. Why didn't you believe it?
"It's unbelievable," Cris Collinsworth of FOX recently declared. What?
That Clinton Portis fumbled. "It's unbelievable," Joe Buck of FOX
recently declared. What? That the Colts were leading Green Bay by 38-31.
"Unbelievable," Phil Simms of CBS pronounced of Steve Smith's touchdown
catch in the Super Bowl. "Unbelievable," Greg Gumbel of CBS said of the
crowd noise during the Denver-Indianapolis playoff game. "Unbelievable,"
Mike Patrick said of the Minnesota-Arizona contest that ended the 2003
season. "Unbelievable!" Chris Berman of ESPN said of a Dante Hall kick
return. "Unbelievable!" John Madden of ABC said of a long touchdown in
the Indianapolis-Tampa Bay Monday night comeback game of 2003. Dan
Dierdorf of CBS, Daryl Johnston of FOX, Suzy Kolber of ESPN, Tony
Siragusa of FOX, Solomon Wilcots of our very own NFL Network -- if he or
she makes a living talking about the NFL on television, Tuesday Morning
Quarterback has heard her or him describe something as "unbelievable!"
But you just saw it with your own eyes -- why didn't you believe it?
Oscar Wilde once said of the religious, "They only believe what they
cannot see." As a churchgoer, I take the point. But why don't sports
broadcasters believe what they can see?
Yours truly grew up in Buffalo, N.Y., avidly listening to the great Van
Miller, one of the marvelous voices from the Golden Age of radio, call
Bills games. Nobody ever did it better, except that to Miller, every
fourth play was "unbelievable!" Last year, as Miller called his final
game, a dispiriting loss to New England, Miller declared every fumble,
dropped pass, penalty and blown coverage "unbelievable!" Van, you
watched fumbles, dropped passes and penalties for 37 years. Why don't
you believe them when you see them?
When sports announcers say something is "unbelievable," what they mean
is that it's exciting or interesting. This is a reflection of general
inflation of language in American culture. Contemporary editorialists
and politicians never speak of a "problem," they speak of a "crisis;"
nowadays you hear the phrase "serious crisis" invoked because "crisis"
is so overused the word has been hollow. Critics don't call movies or
music "good" or "bad," everything is either "brilliant" or "terrible."
Returning to football, plays that are thrilling or improbable, such as
last-second winning touchdowns, are inflated into "a miracle!" God, we
can feel confident, does not intervene regarding fourth-down passes.
Somehow in our language-inflated culture, it's not enough that a
sporting event be exciting to watch, or a social issue be troubling to
ponder. Language has to be pumped up to make every issue and event sound
totally incredible.
I'm telling you, the serious crisis of sports announcing is unbelievable!
| |
Despite beating the Eagles, Big Ben turned down a glass of champagne from the '72 Dolphins. | |
In other NFL news, at 3:52 p.m. ET on Sunday, as the Eagles left Ketchup
Field in Pittsburgh mumbling "#@!?*!!" under their breaths, corks
popped. In one of the sweetest traditions in sports lore, on opening day
of every NFL season, each surviving member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins,
sole perfect team in pro football history, sets aside a bottle of
Champagne to cool. And it's genuine Champagne from Champagne, not the
boysenberry-infused sparkling-Gewurztraminer wine-like substance that
passes for bubbly these days. At the moment the stadium clock hits
double-zeros for the defeat of the season's last undefeated team, the
1972 Dolphins pull the corks, secure in the knowledge they will reign as
the sole perfect team for at least one additional year. Gentlemen of
1972, enjoy your annual draught. TMQ feels confident you will continue
to sip Champagne each autumn until you are called to meet the football
gods, and greeted by song and feasting.
Note: I just reproduced the above item from my AutoText, substituting
only the name of the last undefeated, the field where it fell and the
moment when all-naughts, the phrase I use now, showed on the clock. For
five years, I have reproduced that item from my AutoText, substituting
only the year's particulars. Gentlemen of 1972, Tuesday Morning
Quarterback feels confident I will continue to reproduce that item from
my AutoText on an annual basis for many seasons to come. My heirs may be
reproducing it decades or centuries in the future.
In still other NFL news, the Bengals wore a Halloween costume of black
pants with orange jerseys as they hosted the Cowboys. As reader Michael
Schatzman of Madeira, Ohio, noted, "Please stand by, the problem is not
with your set." The week after the Eagles showed special black jerseys,
the Ravens showed special black jerseys -- why didn't both teams go
black when they met in Week 8? It could have been called the Stealth
Bowl. The Bills hinted they will return to their handsome previous
regalia: see below. Buffalo, just go back to the way you looked before!
All will be forgiven.
And in still other NFL news, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello announced that if
Indianapolis and Minnesota meet again in the Super Bowl, triple-digit
scoreboards will be installed. "It would be very embarrassing if both
teams went over 100 points and we could not properly display that
information to the audience," Aiello explained.
Stat of the Week
In consecutive games against unbeaten New England and Philadelphia, a
combined 13-0 when Pittsburgh faced them, the Steelers jumped to a
combined 51-6 lead.
Stats of the Week No. 2
San Diego, last year's last-place finisher, has scored the most points
of any NFL team.
Stats of the Week No. 3
Arizona and Oakland, which both won on the road, ended a combined 0-30
road losing streak.
Stats of the Week No. 4
Atlanta has scored 170 points and surrendered 170 points.
Stats of the Week No. 5
The Steelers outgained unbeaten Philadelphia by 307 yards.
Stats of the Week No. 6
From the late second quarter through the middle of the third quarter,
Buffalo held the ball for 27 consecutive plays and 11:03 of clock time.
Stats of the Week No. 7
Since taking the field for their Super Bowl appearances, Carolina and
Oakland, which met Sunday, are a combined 8-27.
Stats of the Week No. 8
Kansas City scored 31 points, gained 459 yards and lost.
Stats of the Week No. 9
Kansas City is averaging 30 points per game and has a losing record.
Stats of the Week No. 10
In two meetings this year, the Browns held Jamal Lewis to 362 fewer
yards than he gained against them in two meetings last year.
Stats of the Week No. 11
With 15 touchdowns, Priest Holmes has more touchdowns than four entire
teams -- Cincinnati, Jacksonville, Washington and Miami. With 12
touchdowns, Shaun Alexander has as many as two entire teams, Washington
and Miami.
Stats of the Week No. 12
Peyton Manning and Daunte Culpepper have combined for 47 touchdown
passes and just nine interceptions.
Literary Cheerleader of the Week
| |
Some of the injuries Melissa's cheered through include a chipped nail and a stubbed toe. | |
Only cheerleaders who list serious books or authors as their favorites
are eligible. This week's, nominated by Jeanine DeBacker of San Leandro,
Calif., is
Melissa of the San Francisco 49ers, who lists The Great Gatsby
as her favorite book. According to her team bio, Melissa is a
Mexican-American who considers "working through injuries" the toughest
part of being a cheerleader: It's not just the gentlemen who are
spraining knees and pulling ligaments and playing with pain to keep the
fans entertained. She also says of herself, "I have a long repertoire of
cheesy jokes." Melissa, just like Tuesday Morning Quarterback!
Sweet Play of the Week
All NFL teams have an action in which the quarterback fakes a handoff up
the middle, then gives the ball to a receiver on the end-around --
Indianapolis showed this action on Monday night, for instance. The
action works if the fake up the middle is a credible threat.
Pittsburgh's opening drive against Philadelphia resulted in a 16-yard
touchdown run by wide receiver Hines Ward on the end-around, following a
fake up the middle to Jerome Bettis. To that point in the drive, Bettis
had carried up the middle five times for 34 yards -- so when the
Steelers faked to him up the middle, the Eagles bought the fake. Many
teams call the middle-fake, end-around when they haven't been gaining up
the middle, and then nobody buys the fake.
Maroon Zone Play of the Day
On the above-cited drive, game scoreless, Pittsburgh faced fourth-and-1
on the Philadelphia 40. Did the Steelers launch some mincing fraidy-cat
punt? As pointed out by many readers including John Shepherd of Dallas,
Pittsburgh went for it, power run for six yards, touchdown on the drive
and the Steelers never looked back. Winning Maroon Zone performance!
Sweet Players of the Week
New England kicked off at St. Louis with injuries at cornerback and
receiver. So linebacker Mike Vrabel lined up as a tight end at the Rams
goal line and caught a touchdown pass, while receiver Troy Brown played
as a nickel back,
recording three tackles and a pass defensed. Both these gentlemen
played in accordance with the Patriots program -- coming out of nowhere,
they performed flawlessly.
Why Tactics Matter
Pittsburgh is the league's hottest team, and while Ben Roethlisberger is
getting the press, the Steelers defense explains much of the team's
success. Currently the Pittsburgh defense is second best in yards
allowed and tied for third best in points allowed, and that's after
back-to-back games against New England and Philadelphia, two
high-scoring clubs. Honestly, how
many Steelers defensive starters can you name without looking?
Pittsburgh does not blitz much -- usually a linebacker pass rushes, but
since the team employs a base 3-4, that still only adds up to the
conventional four pass rushers. What's effective about the Pittsburgh
defense is that offenses are often confused regarding where the rush
will come from: Of the seven-man defensive front, it's impossible to
predict, play-to-play, which four will rush. Also, Pittsburgh rushers
execute usual "twists," rather than simply blasting straight ahead as
most rushers do. Sunday against the Eagles, Pittsburgh defensive
coordinator Dick LeBeau several times had two linebackers line up over
the Philadelphia offensive guards, then rush crossing each other --
making an "X" pattern, the left linebacker rushing right and the right
linebacker rushing left. When this happened, the Philadelphia guards
were confused about which way to turn, and Donovan McNabb had to throw
the ball away to avoid being sacked.
Why Management Matters
Kansas City has a red-hot offense yet a losing record because its
defense is surrendering 26.3 points per game. Why should this come as
any surprise since, in the second half of the 2003 season, the Kansas
City defense allowed 26.6 points per game? Then, in the offseason, the
Chiefs made no attempt to sign defensive players. Kansas City management
decided that a defense that was allowing 26.6 points per game would be
sufficient for the 2004 season. What Kansas City management got is a
defense allowing almost exactly its previous average.
Dr. Phil Counsels T.O., Ray Lewis
On an exclusive basis, Tuesday Morning Quarterback has obtained
this transcript of a private counseling session involving Terrell Owens,
Ray Lewis and Dr. Phil.
Owens: Now, Ray is my friend, I'm not criticizing him. I would
never criticize him. But in addition to wearing mismatched socks and not
flossing, he belongs in the Guantanamo Bay detention center for
interrogation.
Lewis: Terrell is a great player, he's a star. I would never say
anything against him. But he is a menace to Western civilization and his
DNA is 99 percent identical to a laboratory mouse.
Owens: So is yours, assuming you're human.
Lewis: I don't want to say anything against T.O., but his license
tags are expired, he made noise during nap time in kindergarten and
Safeway has him on videotape taking 14 items into the 10-item express
lane.
Owens: If you have five bananas, that counts as one item! That's
what my agent told me, anyway.
Lewis: The bananas had come off the bunch. I've seen the tape,
man.
Owens: You're repulsive and you cannot pronounce
"chlorofluorocarbon."
Lewis: You're insufferable and you cannot adequately describe the
Kellogg-Briand Treaty of 1928.
Dr. Phil: I suggest we all have a big group hug.
Lewis and Owens together: Anything but a hug! I promise never to
criticize him again.
Dr. Phil: Next week we will be inviting Donovan McNabb to join
our counseling session.
The Football Gods Winced
San Diego leading 7-0, New Orleans faced third-and-10 on its 46.
Quarterback Aaron Brooks was under pressure. Rather than simply take the
sack -- sometimes taking the sack is a smart play for a quarterback --
he spun around and, seeing tackle Wayne Gandy behind him, fired Gandy
the ball. Gandy, an offensive lineman, is not the ideal gentleman to
fire the ball to; also, since he was behind the quarterback, where
exactly was he supposed to go? Gandy jumped out of the way of Brooks'
lateral, as if the ball was a live ferret; the lateral rolled to the
Saints 23 before a New Orleans player recovered it, loss of 23 yards.
The Chargers scored a touchdown on their possession following the
fourth-and-33 punt, and the Saints might as well have left to get
blueberry-almond martinis.
The Football Gods Smiled
Leading 27-3, the Steelers reached first-and-goal on the Philadelphia 7
with 2:48 remaining. Bill Cowher ordered his charges to kneel, though
considering the two-minute warning, kneel-downs were not quite enough to
kill the clock. Pittsburgh knelt four times, then let the Eagles get the
ball back with 30 seconds remaining. The football gods reward those who
do not run up the score! Yea, verily, Pittsburgh shall be rewarded.
Why Not Rush the Punter?
Ahead 10-3 late in the third quarter, the Potomac Nanticokes sent eight
rushers after a Detroit punt -- which was blocked and returned for the
touchdown that proved the winning points. Trailing 13-12 in the fourth
quarter, the Ravens forced Cleveland to punt from its 2, and sent seven
rushers after the kick -- which was hurried and went out of bounds at
the Browns 9, setting up Baltimore's go-ahead touchdown.
Watch NFL tape carefully, and you will see that most teams rarely go
after punts. Often, only one or two players really rush the punter:
Defenders lined up on the line are mainly smashing into the punting
team's linemen to keep them from getting downfield, rather than
punt-rushing. For instance, on the next Detroit punt after its block on
Sunday, Washington rushed just one man. When NFL teams do come after the
punter with lots of bodies, it is often a shock and leads to a block or
a poor kick. Houston blocked a punt against Denver on Sunday by rushing
three, which doesn't sound like much, but actually is a lot by
contemporary NFL standards.
Why do NFL teams big-rush the punter so rarely? It's another sign of
coaches playing it safe. If the coach orders a big punt rush and the
result is roughing the kicker, then the coach is lambasted; if the coach
sends one token rusher while everyone else drops back to block, the
receiving team may end up with poor field position, but there's nothing
to criticize. Many teams even call not rushing the punter the "safe"
play -- the special-teams coach will say, "Safe, safe," to signal in a
no-rushing action. Watch college teams that are good at blocking kicks,
such as Virginia Tech, and what is their incredible secret? They rush a
lot of guys. NFL teams might do more of same.
Sour Play of the Week
Game scoreless, San Diego lined up to punt on fourth-and-inches from its
own 47. The punter leapt into the air doing the old high-school bad-snap
fake, while up-man Jesse Chatman took the direct snap and ran 22 yards;
the Bolts scored a touchdown on the possession and never looked back.
New Orleans made the most basic of kick-defense mistakes -- not assuming
fake on short yardage. Whenever a team lines up in field-goal or punt
formation on fourth-and-short, the defense is supposed to assume fake.
Sweet 'N' Sour Play
Yes, it was the old lonesome end -- Troy Brown pretended to be jogging
off the field as the Patriots lined up for a figgie attempt, leading
19-14 at St. Louis. But Brown stopped at the sidelines, lined up, and
was uncovered when kicker Adam Vinatieri tossed him the touchdown pass
that started the New England rout. For the Patriots, the play was sweet.
Meanwhile, Les Mouflons were making the most basic of kick-defense
mistakes -- not assuming fake on short yardage. The situation was
fourth-and-goal from the St. Louis 4. Whenever a team lines up in
field-goal or punt formation on fourth-and-short, the defense is
supposed to assume fake. For the Rams, the play was sour.
Next Time, Wear a Halloween Costume as a Disguise
Buffalo leading 7-3 in the second quarter, the Bills sent Jabari Greer,
a defensive back, in as a wide receiver. Jersey/B defenders immediately
pointed to Greer, as defenders are coached to do when someone unusual
comes in for what is likely to be a trick play. Greer even wears No. 37,
which made him impossible to miss when lining up as a wide receiver. The
Bills handed off to Greer on a reverse, and the gentlemen was swarmed
under by Jets defenders, who dropped him for a loss: He might as well
have handed out cards that said, "I have come in to run a trick play."
Note: Buffalo won despite launching not one but two Preposterous Punts,
the Bills punting from the Jersey/B 37 and taking a deliberate penalty
at the Jersey/B 35 before punting from the 40.
Mass Transit CEO Wants Everybody Else to Take the Subway So There's
More Room on the Roads for His SUV
The Washington Post reports that Richard White, chief executive
of the problem-plagued Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority,
one of the nation's largest public-transit systems, has just announced
he will start commuting by subway. Since assuming his post four years
ago, the Post notes, White has driven to work, "because it was
more convenient."
What the Favre?
Colts punter Hunter Smith was called for unnecessary roughness.
Best Play by a Someone Wearing a Halloween Costume
| |
Uh, guys ... Halloween was last weekend. | |
Cincinnati leading Dallas 9-3 in the third quarter, the Bengals, the
first NFL team ever to take the field dressed in Halloween costumes,
faced third-and-6 on their own 24. Tight end Matt Schobel ran a simple
"seam" route 10 yards straight up the field. There was no strong safety
to be seen; Schobel was covered by reserve linebacker Scott Shanle, who
has never started a game in his NFL career. Shanle lunged at Schobel as
if to "chuck" him -- TMQ continues to think defenders should "charles"
receivers, it's more dignified. Shanle missed; Schobel ran past, caught
a short pass and legged it all 76 yards for the touchdown, no Dallas
safety ever entering the picture. TMQ lamented that last season, the
Cowboys had the No. 1 ranked pass defense, and this season cannot stop a
tight end from going 76 yards straight down the center of the field.
Stop Me Before I Blitz Again!
San Francisco leading 24-21, Seattle had first-and-10 on the Squared
Sevens 25. Before the snap, a mass of Niners crowded the line to blitz;
Blue Men Group quarterback Matt Hasselbeck gestured and barked,
obviously calling an anti-blitz "hot read;" San Francisco did not back
out of its blitz, but at the snap sent eight gentlemen across the line.
TMQ cried aloud, Aaaaaiiiiiiiyyyyyyeeeee! Easy 25-yard touchdown
pass to Koren Robinson, and Seattle took the lead it would never
relinquish. While sportswriters and bobbleheads speak about eight-man
blitzes, the tactic is rarely actually observed because it is an
engraved invitation for the offense to score an easy touchdown.
Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! No. 2
Game tied at 24, Oakland had first-and-10 at the Carolina 41 with 1:25
remaining. The Panther sent eight gentlemen across the line to blitz.
TMQ cried aloud, Aaaaaiiiiiiiyyyyyyeeeee! An Oakland receiver
easily got behind the defense and would have scored the winning
touchdown; a Carolina defensive back grabbed him to prevent the winning
touchdown; the interference penalty spotted the ball at the Panthers 2,
whence the Raiders kicked the winning field goal. While sportswriters
and bobbleheads speak about eight-man blitzes, the tactic is rarely
actually observed because it is an engraved invitation for the offense
to realize a big gain.
Stop Me Before I Run-Blitz Again!
Chicago leading Jersey/A 21-14 in the fourth quarter, the Bears faced
second-and-11 on the Giants 41. Before the snap, strong safety Gabril
Wilson crept all the way up to the line on the Bears' left; at the snap,
Wilson furiously blitzed. Running back Anthony Thomas ran left, going
through the space Wilson vacated, and the Chicago Mingdingxiong --
"bears whose outcomes are determined by fate," in Mandarin -- had a
game-icing 41-yard touchdown.
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk
Trailing 21-0 late in the second quarter, the Eagles faced fourth-and-6
on the Steelers 15. TMQ's immutable law holds: Kick Early, Go For It
Late. Unless, that is, you are way behind, and a 21-point hole qualifies
as way behind. In trotted the field-goal unit, Philadelphia made it 21-3
and the Eagles never threatened again.
Lambasthor, God of Halftime Tirades, Would Smile
Last spring, yours truly
moderated a Brookings Institution forum at which Jeffrey Sachs,
distinguished director of the
Earth Institute of Columbia University, declared that United States
policy toward the developing world "really sucks." Yours truly responded
by saying, "Professor Sachs, here at the Brookings Institution we do not
say something 'sucks.' We say it 'fails to meet expectations.' "
This got me to thinking about the coach's traditional profanity-laced
halftime tirade. What if instead it was conducted by guest speakers
using well-bred language? Here is what would happen if a Brookings
Institution scholar was hired to present the halftime tirade:
Coach: Look, you guys, I'm tired of yelling the same stuff every
halftime. Besides, I left my book of Winston Churchill quotations in the
car. So today we have a guest tirade. I'd like to introduce Gregg
Easterbrook, a visiting fellow from the Brookings Institution. Mr.
Easterbrook is the author of six books, and --
Player: Hey coach, what's a "book?"
Coach: Shut up, Yafnaro. Now, here is our guest tirade.
Me: This team is really bottom quintile, you know that? I've
never seen such a bunch of alienated low-performing descendents of
Homo hablis. You are one standard deviation away from the cellar.
You're -- you're -- you're maladjusted! You failed to meet expectations!
That's right, failed to meet expectations. You there, Yafnaro, what were
you visualizing when you threw that interception?
Yafnaro: I thought the receiver was open.
Me: You thought?! I've seen your SAT scores, don't tell me you
"thought." Didn't you take into account the relative humidity! The
barometric pressure! The curvature of the Earth!
Yafnaro: Um, no.
Me: Apparently not. Listen you nugatory flibbertigibbets, you
know what they are saying about you over in the other locker room?
They're calling you tergiversate! They're saying you are a fascicle of
sebaceous helots mired in desuetude! Are you gonna let that pass?
Players: No! No!
Me: Then what do you want to go out there and do?
Players: Meet expectations.
Me: I can't hear you.
Players: (loudly) MEET EXPECTATIONS!
Now Cinderella Can't Fit Into the Slipper, But She Can Get a
Volleyball Scholarship
According to the market research firm
NPD Group, today one-third of American women wear a size eight or
larger shoe, versus 11 percent in 1987. Why? Blame sports! Foot bones
grow in response to stress, and the huge post-Title-IX increase in girls
and women participating in sports, combined with the huge increase in
numbers of women working out at the gym, have led to an increase in
average women's foot size.
Best Play by a Quarterback Who Actually Wants to Be in San Diego
While Eli Manning watched the Giants lose at home to the lowly Bears and
high-priced holdout Philip Rivers was nailed to the Bolts' pine, Drew
Brees threw four touchdown passes. I don't wish to alarm you, but the
Chargers are 6-3 and Brees, who has nine touchdown passes in the last
two weeks, is the third-rated passer in the National Football League.
Uniform Amnesty Now!
Reader Bob Doling of Arlington, Va., notes Buffalo general manager
Tom Donahoe declared that next season the Bills will wear a
"throwback" of their previous red, white and flag-blue jerseys. Tom,
just junk the incredibly hideous new Bills look and return to the
beautiful old look: All will be forgiven! Buffalo is 17-23 since
abandoning red, white and American flag blue -- not to put too fine a
point on it, but the single-most successful color scheme in world
history -- for its current hideous regalia based on Nineteenth Century
Rusting Russian Dreadnaught Aft Bulkhead Cyanic. Doling notes in haiku,
Hope for Bills next year!
Return to unis of old:
red, white and
flag blue.
-- Bob Doling of Arlington, Va.
Questionable Call Ere the Clock Struck Midnight
Boy, it sure looked like Ray Lewis was holding on the deciding play of
the Browns-Ravens game. At 11:38 p.m. ET, Baltimore led 20-13; the
Browns had second-and-goal on the Ravens 5, with 45 seconds showing.
Cleveland tight end Aaron Shea ran a short turn-in and was open in the
end zone; Jeff Garcia delivered the pass; replays showed Lewis grab
Shea's jersey and yank hard just before the ball arrived; the ball
bounced off Shea's hands and into the mitts of safety Ed Reed, who ran
it 106 yards the other way for a record-setting icing touchdown.
Was the pass tipped at the line? Maybe, but unlike pass interference,
defensive holding is called regardless of whether there is a tipped
pass. Of course, the real-world bottom line is that Shea had both hands
on the ball in the end zone and did not make the catch -- highly paid
professional football players should be able to make a catch even with
some ill-tempered gentleman yanking on their jersey. Still, it looked to
TMQ as if flags should have flown. And note to Ed Reed, that run was
entertaining, but next time you intercept a pass six yards deep in the
end zone in the final minute, take a knee, okay?
Confident Call Ere the Clock Struck Midnight
Game tied at 28, Indianapolis reached second-and-10 at the Minnesota
15-yard line with 55 seconds remaining at 11:58 p.m. ET. The Colts knelt
twice, running the clock down to six seconds before lofting the winning
field goal. (The Vikings were out of timeouts.)
Perfect tactics so long as the kicker hits -- had he missed,
Indianapolis would have seemed very foolish not to attempt to score from
the Minnesota 15.
Sweet Plays Ere the Clock Struck Midnight
Trailing 28-21, Minnesota faced fourth-and-1 on the Lucky Charms 43 with
3:49 remaining. The Vikings came out in a heavy formation left; at the
snap, the running back and all the blockers went left; Daunte Culpepper
bootlegged right and ran 9 yards for the first down, setting up
Minnesota's tying touchdown. But it wasn't a "naked" bootleg, Culpepper
had help. At the snap Jermaine Wiggins, lined up as a tight end on the
right side, blocked toward the left -- then spun around and pulled right
to protect Culpepper as he ran, a very sweet play design. Now there is
1:51 remaining, score tied, and Indianapolis faces third-and-5 on the
Minnesota 21. Peyton Manning, under tackle, used his left hand to throw
a shovel pass to Edgerrin James, who reached the 15, where Indianapolis
got its first down and began kneeling in anticipation of the winning
kick. Left-handed! And not as risky as it looked since, as a shovel
pass, if botched the play simply would have been an incompletion,
leaving the Colts in position for a field-goal attempt.
Why Certain Teams Are 1-8
The Miami Ventral Fins led 23-17 and had Arizona facing fourth-and-8 on
its own 32 with 1:23 remaining. Quarterback Josh McCown was flushed from
the pocket and raced toward the sideline. Miami corner Sam Madison, who
was in the area, made no attempt to run McCown down, merely jogging in
his general direction. McCown got the first; Arizona scored the winning
touchdown with 23 seconds on the clock.
Best Blocks
This week, TMQ lauds the offensive lines of Buffalo, Tampa and
Washington -- three lines much maligned in this space -- which combined
to allow just one sack on Sunday. Meanwhile, the Kansas City offensive
line, praised in this space as the league's best, had a weak outing.
Kansas City trailing City of Tampa 34-31 with 1:50 remaining, the Chiefs
faced first-and-10 on the Bucs 43, holding two timeouts; given the hot
Kansas City offense, you'd figure a last-minute win was in store.
Instead, on first down, the Kansas City offensive line allowed a sack,
though there were only four gentlemen rushing. Now it's fourth-and-18 at
midfield. Tampa rushes just three men, Kansas City has five back to
block and Trent Green is sacked, game over.
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk, Indeed
Television ads for
Burger King's Chickenfight chicken sandwich promotion show guys in
chicken suits being bashed and smashed, but reassure in a disclaimer,
"No real chickens were harmed." Wait a moment, the whole point of this
promotion is to get customers to eat more chicken sandwiches -- that is,
to increase harm to real chickens.
News From the NFL Alternate Universe
Jerry Rice catches the ball in San Francisco! All is as it should be --
except, Rice was not wearing a Niners uniform. It's now four years
later and San Francisco's decision to cut Rice, best-ever player for
the franchise and possibly the best-ever player period, still seems one
of the NFL's all-time blunders. But then, when Rice made his return to
Candlestick Park wearing another team's garb, he did not return to
Candlestick Park -- rather to Monster Park, the facility's new name. You
can now address correspondence to the Niners at
Monster Park, San Francisco Calif., 94124. How long until there is a
Munster Park?
Cheer-Babe Professionalism
Kickoff temperature 55 degrees
with 25 mile-per-hour winds, the Buffalo Jills came out in
miniskirts and bare midriffs. Spectators were wearing heavy coats;
coaches on both sidelines sported windbreaker pants; players on the
benches had ski caps pulled low over their ears; yet the cheerleaders
were scantily attired! This represents one of the most dramatic examples
of cheer-babe professionalism that TMQ has ever witnessed. Needless to
say, the football gods crowned the team with success.
Beefcake note: The Ravens are now the sole NFL team that has cheer-studs
as well as cheer-babes. On Sunday night, kickoff temperature 61 degrees,
the Baltimore cheer-babes showed outstanding professionalism by wearing
two-piece miniskirt numbers. What did the cheer-studs sport? Comfy warm
track suits that covered their entire bodies. TMQ is a traditionalist,
and feels it is imperative that, in the endless battle of the bods,
women maintain tradition by showing more than men. But for the
cheer-babes to be nearly naked while the cheer-studs are fully clothed
obviously is unfair to female fans.
Tasteless Uniforms Haiku -- Referring to the Uniforms, Not the Haiku
Brandon Veale of Mount Pleasant, Mich., notes there is a New Zealand
rugby team called the All-Blacks, whose uniforms resemble the ones
Baltimore wore on Sunday night, and who "perform a traditional Maori
dance routine called the haka before each of their matches, a dance that
looks vaguely like what Ray Lewis does before games." Here, view
the All-Blacks doing the haka.
Veale offers this haiku:
Odd Nevermore duds
look like Kiwi rugby team;
Will Ray do haka?
-- Brandon Veale, Mount Pleasant, Mich.
Of the shimmering all-bright-red look unveiled by the Arizona Cactus
Wrens at Miami, reader Erin Elizabeth Miller offers,
New Cards uniforms
look a lot like union suits:
Where are the butt
flaps?
-- Erin Elizabeth Miller, Washington, D.C.
Game Being Played in TMQ's Nightmares
A round-robin of Cincinnati in its new orange-jersey, black-pants look
versus Baltimore in its black-jersey, black-pants look and Miami in last
year's orange-jersey, orange-pants look.
Running Items Department
Obscure College Score of the Week
Eastern Michigan 61, Central Michigan 58 in quadruple overtime. Four
touchdowns, three field goals, two PAT kicks and two 2-point conversions
were scored after regulation ended -- in all, 39 overtime points.
Located in Ypsilanti, Mich., Eastern Michigan University currently needs
a president, and has retained a company called Academic Search
Consultation Service. Wait, colleges are supposed to be full of smart
people -- yet Eastern Michigan needs to hire a company to tell it whom
to hire? According to its web site,
Academic Search has 19 people who do nothing all day long except
tell universities whom to hire for management positions. Question for
Eastern Michigan University: Will there be any discernible difference
at all between the period when you are without a president, and
after one arrives at great expense?
Bonus Obscure College Score
Wooster 64, Wittenberg 58 in overtime. There were 17 touchdowns and two
field goals in this contest, which featured an incredible 34 total
possessions by the two teams. (Normally there are about 20 possessions
in a football game.) Located in Wooster, Ohio --
"the major metropolitan areas of Cleveland, Columbus, Akron and Canton are all
within a one-and-a-half hour drive," the school reassures --
the
College of Wooster's scenic campus offers a golf course, a
dorm that once was the college president's home, and the
Rubbermaid Student Development Center.
Obscure College Game of the Year Result
Kevin Weidl threw for 256 yards as Indiana of Pennsylvania defeated
California of Pennsylvania in the
Tuesday Morning Quarterback Obscure College Game of the Year.
Indiana of Pennsylvania finished 7-3, in a three-way tie with
Shippensburg and Edinboro for leadership in the PSAC-West conference.
For California of Pennsylvania, the defeat represented the Vulcans' 20th
consecutive loss to Indiana of Pennsylvania in the schools' annual
season-ending confrontation. But because they are Vulcans, the losers
showed no emotions in defeat.
Reader Animadversion
Got a comment or a deeply felt grievance? Register it at
TMQNFL@yahoo.com. Include your name and hometown, and I may quote
from your email and cite your name and hometown unless you instruct me
otherwise. Note: Bonus recognition to anyone who can cite the nod to a
famous Broadway play that is encoded in this column.
The Green Bay-Washington game became the first since the 1936 election
in which the outcome of the final Redskins' home contest before
presidential voting accurately foretold the outcome. Reader Scott King
asserts this only shows that officials flubbed the call when they
overturned the late Washington touchdown that might have won the game
for the home team. The California
Tortilla burrito poll discussed in last week's column also
notched its first failure. Exit polling failed too. But the Family
Circle cookie predictor was correct, with subscribers voting for
Laura Bush's cookie recipe over Teresa Heinz Kerry's recipe in a
landslide. Readers offer these haiku:
Redskins, burritos?
We the people made our choice,
voting booth
trumps all.
-- Frank Hartmann, Boise, Idaho
Maryland? Blue state.
Skewed sample of appetites;
tortilla falls
flat.
--Brenda Izzo, New York City
Political game
history rewritten when
refs make the wrong call.
-- Scott King, Bedford, Ind.
| |
Ken Salazar surely has some good stories from going to school with Gregg Easterbrook. | |
Speaking of exit polls, John Martin pointed out this
unintentionally hilarious Washington Post article which
declares, "After the survey is completed and the votes are counted, the
exit poll results are adjusted to reflect the actual vote, which in
theory improves the accuracy of all the exit poll results, including the
breakdown of the vote by age, gender and other characteristics." So
after the actual vote is known, the exit poll is adjusted to make it
appear accurate all along! Isn't this the same as waiting until the game
is over, then "adjusting" your prediction of the final score in order to
claim you predicted the final score? Martin also lauded the election of
TMQ's estimable Colorado College classmate Ken Salazar as a United
States senator from Colorado.
Last week, TMQ quoted Dick Enberg's mystery comment during the
Ravens-Eagles game, "There is nothing quite like self-flagellation on
Halloween Day." Shaun Kuter of Tempe, Ariz., was among readers who
contended Enberg said "self-adulation." Greg Gumbel from CBS studios in
New York had just broken into the game to show a touchdown by Johnnie
Morton of Kansas City, who after scoring did the Worm; Gumbel made a
cryptic reference to the Worm being self-flagellation; Enberg switched
the reference to self-adulation, perhaps cleverly trying to shift
attention from Gumbel's interpretation. At least that's what I think
happened, piecing together accounts from a dozen readers who were
watching the game.
Tuesday Morning Quarterback has begun to call the Miami team the Ventral
Fins. Erik de Guzman of Manassas, Va., points out that dolphins do not
have ventral fins -- they have dorsal fins, pectoral fins and tail
flukes. But on marine mammals, "ventral" fins are found on the bottom
side, and Miami is currently at the bottom of the standings. The team
will remain the Ventral Fins until no longer bottom-feeding.
Regarding my item asserting that referees are sometimes too slow to blow
the whistle, confusing players about the "play to the whistle" maxim,
Kevin McLaughlin of Chesterfield, Mo., who officiates high-school
football, provides these thoughts: "The down is not ended by the
whistle; rather, the down is ended by downing of the ball carrier. (A
knee down in high school and college, or a knee down as a result of
contact by an opponent, or while in contact with an opponent, in the
NFL). The whistle merely recognizes that the down has ended. You can
have a late hit with no whistle, and you can have a player downed with
no whistle. Ideally neither of those happens, but that is how the rules
are written." He sums in haiku:
Don't play to whistle:
whistle is merely signal.
Play till runner
down.
-- Kevin McLaughlin, Chesterfield, Mo.
Last week, I could not recall "a recent NFL team that went for two to
win or lose at the end of regulation, rather than kicking the singleton
and proceeding to overtime." Many readers, including Jessica Jennings of
Chicago, a Vikings fan, noted that Minnesota went for two with five
seconds remaining
against New Orleans in Week 15 of the 2002 season. The try
prevailed, and the football gods rewarded Minnesota with a nine-game
winning streak. Steve Ferra of Safety Harbor, Fla., added two
unsuccessful attempts: "On Nov. 19, 1995, Tom Coughlin's expansion
Jaguars pulled to within 17-16 with 36 seconds left at Tampa Bay. The
Jags went for two and were denied. On Nov. 12, 1997, Dave Wannstedt
tried the same and failed against the Packers after the Bears pulled
within one point by scoring a TD in the final minute."
Last Week's Challenge
In keeping with the time-travel plots plaguing Star Trek Enterprise, the Challenge was to name some aspect of the NFL timeline that future space
travelers should come backward in time to alter.
Carol Lang-Drapala of Norman, Okla., wants the Federation crew to
prevent the Houston Oilers of 1992 from blowing their 35-3 playoff lead
over the Bills. Carol -- the Oilers could have done that themselves
simply by running the ball in the second half, rather than repeatedly
throwing incomplete and stopping the clock. Dominic Legaspi of Concord,
Calif., would have caused Lawrence Phillips not to miss the 1999 blitz
block that allowed a defender to level Steve Young, ending his career.
Cris Alexander of Toronto suggested time-travelers prevent the Eagles
from converting fourth-and-26 in last year's playoffs. Dorsey Howard of
Harrisburg, Pa., suggested the Enterprise should return to the
Music City Miracle game and use its advanced sensors to show that the
"lateral" was a forward pass.
Jack Atiyeh of Allentown, Pa., would alter the iffy pass interference
call against San Francisco at the end of the 1983 NFC Championship Game,
which propelled the Redskins to the Super Bowl, where they lost 38-9 to
the Raiders. Niners-Raiders that year would have made for a much better
Super Bowl, he contends. Nick Eyrich would have altered the dropped
interception by Cincinnati on the play before a fourth-quarter touchdown
pass in the Bengals-Niners Super Bowl.
Noah Turner, a student at the University of Connecticut, would have had
the Enterprise use its transporter to move Kevin Dyson one foot
further at the end of the Rams-Titans Super Bowl, sending that game into
overtime. Roland Cooper suggested the Enterprise should prevent
the alien starcruiser from bringing "Kurt Warner" to the Rams that year
in the first place.
Sean McCalley of Allen, Texas, would change the "tuck rule" call in the
Raiders-Patriots Snow Bowl, preventing New England from winning the
Super Bowl that year and possibly altering its entire dynasty. Brad
Given of Hurricane, W.V., would have prevented The Fumble -- darkest
event in Giants history -- by having the Star Trek crew tell Jersey/A
that all they have to do is kneel on the ball.
Many readers, including Jenny Werrick of San Diego, would have prevented
the Chargers from drafting Ryan Leaf. Greg Presto would have altered
history to cause the Steelers to draft hometown star Dan Marino. Jayson
Rock of Menomonee Falls, Wis., would have had the Packers take Barry
Sanders instead of Tony Mandarich. Jed Dawson of Wisconsin would have
prevented the Herschel Walker trade.
Many readers, including Charles K. Smith, suggested that time travelers
should make Scott Norwood's last-second kick in the Bills-Giants Super
Bowl go through. Charles, my feeling is that Norwood's kick did
go through, but sinister Giants fans from the future altered the
timeline. Jason Sheehan of Newport News, Va., adds that if the timeline
was altered so that Norwood's kick goes in, the Bills would surely still
be wearing red, white and American flag blue -- not to put too fine a
point on it, but the single-most successful color scheme in world
history.
Jason Tritle of Baltimore was among many to suggest the timeline be
altered such that all NFL franchises remain in their original cities.
Brent Pecenka was among many to suggest that Super Bowl XX be altered
such that Walter Payton gets a touchdown. David Newman of Jackson,
Miss., would have had the Enterprise go back in time and beam up
Mel Kiper's hair.
Rabbi Daniel Plotkin of St. Louis wants time travelers to reverse the
NFL tradition of allowing only Dallas and Detroit to host Thanksgiving
Day games. This year's Cowboys turkey matchup -- Dallas hosting the
Bears -- "kind of makes me glad my in-laws aren't football fans,"
Plotkin says. Luke Twyford, an American-rules football fan in
Wollongong, Australia, wants the Enterprise to go back in time
and convince his parents to move to the United States so that he could
have grown up surrounded by real football ("gridiron" to an Australian),
not rugby and soccer. And Bob Goudreau of Cary, N.C., suggests the
Enterprise go back in time to Nov. 1, 1936, and cause the Boston
Braves to lose to the Chicago Cardinals -- thus preventing the
presidential-election prediction streak of the team that came to be
called the Washington Redskins from coming into existence.
The winner this week is Sean Hart of Cape Coral, Fla., who suggested
time be altered so that NBC aired the end of the Heidi Game. Sean, your
idea shows the danger of tampering with the timeline: There could be
unintended consequences! In the classic 1952 Ray Bradbury short story
A Sound of Thunder -- still the best sci-fi story about time travel
-- the future is benign and happy. Time travel into the primordial past
has become possible, but trips are elaborately arranged so that visitors
only observe from levitated walkways, never touching anything. One man
traveling back into the age of dinosaurs briefly leaves the group and
wanders off alone. When the time tourists return to the present, the
nation has just fallen into hideous dictatorship; the man looks at his
shoe and realizes that far in the past, he stepped on a butterfly.
So suppose NBC had shown the end of the Heidi game. Callers never would
have flooded local affiliate switchboards with complaints; the networks
might not have decided never to cut off NFL games at 7 p.m. Eastern;
there might be less football on TV, an outcome almost as bad as
hideous dictatorship.
Sean Hart is the winner as a cautionary tale, and this year's Challenge
prize is shameless praise. Hart, a Steelers fan, is a software engineer
-- second consecutive software engineer winner -- and wrote his own
praise: "Sean Hart is the William S. Burroughs of software. What he does
may not make any sense, but somehow it works."
This Week's Challenge
Who was the most important player in NFL history? Not the best, the most
important. TMQ already has a theory; offer yours, using the link at
Reader Animadversion. Note: A clue is encoded in this column.
Next Week
NFL teams from Ohio score "provisional" touchdowns!