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An unbelievable column, plus guest speakers give the halftime tirade  
 
Gregg Easterbrook  By Gregg Easterbrook
Special to NFL.com

(Gregg Easterbrook will contribute his column to NFL.com readers each week during the NFL season. He is a senior editor of The New Republic, a contributing editor of The Atlantic Monthly and a visiting fellow at the Brookings Institution. His latest book, The Progress Paradox, released by Random House, is in bookstores now.)

(Nov. 9, 2004) -- "It's unbelievable!" Joe Theismann of ESPN declared during the Cleveland-Baltimore game. What's unbelievable? The Ravens' new practice facility, which has a 10,000-square-foot weight room, full-service cafeteria and video-game room. Sounds nice. But Joe, you saw it with your own eyes. Why didn't you believe it?

"It's unbelievable," Cris Collinsworth of FOX recently declared. What? That Clinton Portis fumbled. "It's unbelievable," Joe Buck of FOX recently declared. What? That the Colts were leading Green Bay by 38-31. "Unbelievable," Phil Simms of CBS pronounced of Steve Smith's touchdown catch in the Super Bowl. "Unbelievable," Greg Gumbel of CBS said of the crowd noise during the Denver-Indianapolis playoff game. "Unbelievable," Mike Patrick said of the Minnesota-Arizona contest that ended the 2003 season. "Unbelievable!" Chris Berman of ESPN said of a Dante Hall kick return. "Unbelievable!" John Madden of ABC said of a long touchdown in the Indianapolis-Tampa Bay Monday night comeback game of 2003. Dan Dierdorf of CBS, Daryl Johnston of FOX, Suzy Kolber of ESPN, Tony Siragusa of FOX, Solomon Wilcots of our very own NFL Network -- if he or she makes a living talking about the NFL on television, Tuesday Morning Quarterback has heard her or him describe something as "unbelievable!"

But you just saw it with your own eyes -- why didn't you believe it? Oscar Wilde once said of the religious, "They only believe what they cannot see." As a churchgoer, I take the point. But why don't sports broadcasters believe what they can see?

Yours truly grew up in Buffalo, N.Y., avidly listening to the great Van Miller, one of the marvelous voices from the Golden Age of radio, call Bills games. Nobody ever did it better, except that to Miller, every fourth play was "unbelievable!" Last year, as Miller called his final game, a dispiriting loss to New England, Miller declared every fumble, dropped pass, penalty and blown coverage "unbelievable!" Van, you watched fumbles, dropped passes and penalties for 37 years. Why don't you believe them when you see them?

When sports announcers say something is "unbelievable," what they mean is that it's exciting or interesting. This is a reflection of general inflation of language in American culture. Contemporary editorialists and politicians never speak of a "problem," they speak of a "crisis;" nowadays you hear the phrase "serious crisis" invoked because "crisis" is so overused the word has been hollow. Critics don't call movies or music "good" or "bad," everything is either "brilliant" or "terrible." Returning to football, plays that are thrilling or improbable, such as last-second winning touchdowns, are inflated into "a miracle!" God, we can feel confident, does not intervene regarding fourth-down passes. Somehow in our language-inflated culture, it's not enough that a sporting event be exciting to watch, or a social issue be troubling to ponder. Language has to be pumped up to make every issue and event sound totally incredible.

I'm telling you, the serious crisis of sports announcing is unbelievable!

Despite beating the Eagles, Big Ben turned down a glass of champagne from the '72 Dolphins. 
Despite beating the Eagles, Big Ben turned down a glass of champagne from the '72 Dolphins.  
In other NFL news, at 3:52 p.m. ET on Sunday, as the Eagles left Ketchup Field in Pittsburgh mumbling "#@!?*!!" under their breaths, corks popped. In one of the sweetest traditions in sports lore, on opening day of every NFL season, each surviving member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, sole perfect team in pro football history, sets aside a bottle of Champagne to cool. And it's genuine Champagne from Champagne, not the boysenberry-infused sparkling-Gewurztraminer wine-like substance that passes for bubbly these days. At the moment the stadium clock hits double-zeros for the defeat of the season's last undefeated team, the 1972 Dolphins pull the corks, secure in the knowledge they will reign as the sole perfect team for at least one additional year. Gentlemen of 1972, enjoy your annual draught. TMQ feels confident you will continue to sip Champagne each autumn until you are called to meet the football gods, and greeted by song and feasting.

Note: I just reproduced the above item from my AutoText, substituting only the name of the last undefeated, the field where it fell and the moment when all-naughts, the phrase I use now, showed on the clock. For five years, I have reproduced that item from my AutoText, substituting only the year's particulars. Gentlemen of 1972, Tuesday Morning Quarterback feels confident I will continue to reproduce that item from my AutoText on an annual basis for many seasons to come. My heirs may be reproducing it decades or centuries in the future.

In still other NFL news, the Bengals wore a Halloween costume of black pants with orange jerseys as they hosted the Cowboys. As reader Michael Schatzman of Madeira, Ohio, noted, "Please stand by, the problem is not with your set." The week after the Eagles showed special black jerseys, the Ravens showed special black jerseys -- why didn't both teams go black when they met in Week 8? It could have been called the Stealth Bowl. The Bills hinted they will return to their handsome previous regalia: see below. Buffalo, just go back to the way you looked before! All will be forgiven.

And in still other NFL news, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello announced that if Indianapolis and Minnesota meet again in the Super Bowl, triple-digit scoreboards will be installed. "It would be very embarrassing if both teams went over 100 points and we could not properly display that information to the audience," Aiello explained.

Stat of the Week

In consecutive games against unbeaten New England and Philadelphia, a combined 13-0 when Pittsburgh faced them, the Steelers jumped to a combined 51-6 lead.

Stats of the Week No. 2

San Diego, last year's last-place finisher, has scored the most points of any NFL team.

Stats of the Week No. 3

Arizona and Oakland, which both won on the road, ended a combined 0-30 road losing streak.

Stats of the Week No. 4

Atlanta has scored 170 points and surrendered 170 points.

Stats of the Week No. 5

The Steelers outgained unbeaten Philadelphia by 307 yards.

Stats of the Week No. 6

From the late second quarter through the middle of the third quarter, Buffalo held the ball for 27 consecutive plays and 11:03 of clock time.

Stats of the Week No. 7

Since taking the field for their Super Bowl appearances, Carolina and Oakland, which met Sunday, are a combined 8-27.

Stats of the Week No. 8

Kansas City scored 31 points, gained 459 yards and lost.

Stats of the Week No. 9

Kansas City is averaging 30 points per game and has a losing record.

Stats of the Week No. 10

In two meetings this year, the Browns held Jamal Lewis to 362 fewer yards than he gained against them in two meetings last year.

Stats of the Week No. 11

With 15 touchdowns, Priest Holmes has more touchdowns than four entire teams -- Cincinnati, Jacksonville, Washington and Miami. With 12 touchdowns, Shaun Alexander has as many as two entire teams, Washington and Miami.

Stats of the Week No. 12

Peyton Manning and Daunte Culpepper have combined for 47 touchdown passes and just nine interceptions.

Literary Cheerleader of the Week

Some of the injuries Melissa's cheered through include a chipped nail and a stubbed toe. 
Some of the injuries Melissa's cheered through include a chipped nail and a stubbed toe.  
Only cheerleaders who list serious books or authors as their favorites are eligible. This week's, nominated by Jeanine DeBacker of San Leandro, Calif., is Melissa of the San Francisco 49ers, who lists The Great Gatsby as her favorite book. According to her team bio, Melissa is a Mexican-American who considers "working through injuries" the toughest part of being a cheerleader: It's not just the gentlemen who are spraining knees and pulling ligaments and playing with pain to keep the fans entertained. She also says of herself, "I have a long repertoire of cheesy jokes." Melissa, just like Tuesday Morning Quarterback!

Sweet Play of the Week

All NFL teams have an action in which the quarterback fakes a handoff up the middle, then gives the ball to a receiver on the end-around -- Indianapolis showed this action on Monday night, for instance. The action works if the fake up the middle is a credible threat. Pittsburgh's opening drive against Philadelphia resulted in a 16-yard touchdown run by wide receiver Hines Ward on the end-around, following a fake up the middle to Jerome Bettis. To that point in the drive, Bettis had carried up the middle five times for 34 yards -- so when the Steelers faked to him up the middle, the Eagles bought the fake. Many teams call the middle-fake, end-around when they haven't been gaining up the middle, and then nobody buys the fake.

Maroon Zone Play of the Day

On the above-cited drive, game scoreless, Pittsburgh faced fourth-and-1 on the Philadelphia 40. Did the Steelers launch some mincing fraidy-cat punt? As pointed out by many readers including John Shepherd of Dallas, Pittsburgh went for it, power run for six yards, touchdown on the drive and the Steelers never looked back. Winning Maroon Zone performance!

Sweet Players of the Week

New England kicked off at St. Louis with injuries at cornerback and receiver. So linebacker Mike Vrabel lined up as a tight end at the Rams goal line and caught a touchdown pass, while receiver Troy Brown played as a nickel back, recording three tackles and a pass defensed. Both these gentlemen played in accordance with the Patriots program -- coming out of nowhere, they performed flawlessly.

Why Tactics Matter

Pittsburgh is the league's hottest team, and while Ben Roethlisberger is getting the press, the Steelers defense explains much of the team's success. Currently the Pittsburgh defense is second best in yards allowed and tied for third best in points allowed, and that's after back-to-back games against New England and Philadelphia, two high-scoring clubs. Honestly, how many Steelers defensive starters can you name without looking? Pittsburgh does not blitz much -- usually a linebacker pass rushes, but since the team employs a base 3-4, that still only adds up to the conventional four pass rushers. What's effective about the Pittsburgh defense is that offenses are often confused regarding where the rush will come from: Of the seven-man defensive front, it's impossible to predict, play-to-play, which four will rush. Also, Pittsburgh rushers execute usual "twists," rather than simply blasting straight ahead as most rushers do. Sunday against the Eagles, Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau several times had two linebackers line up over the Philadelphia offensive guards, then rush crossing each other -- making an "X" pattern, the left linebacker rushing right and the right linebacker rushing left. When this happened, the Philadelphia guards were confused about which way to turn, and Donovan McNabb had to throw the ball away to avoid being sacked.

Why Management Matters

Kansas City has a red-hot offense yet a losing record because its defense is surrendering 26.3 points per game. Why should this come as any surprise since, in the second half of the 2003 season, the Kansas City defense allowed 26.6 points per game? Then, in the offseason, the Chiefs made no attempt to sign defensive players. Kansas City management decided that a defense that was allowing 26.6 points per game would be sufficient for the 2004 season. What Kansas City management got is a defense allowing almost exactly its previous average.

Dr. Phil Counsels T.O., Ray Lewis

On an exclusive basis, Tuesday Morning Quarterback has obtained this transcript of a private counseling session involving Terrell Owens, Ray Lewis and Dr. Phil.

Owens: Now, Ray is my friend, I'm not criticizing him. I would never criticize him. But in addition to wearing mismatched socks and not flossing, he belongs in the Guantanamo Bay detention center for interrogation.

Lewis: Terrell is a great player, he's a star. I would never say anything against him. But he is a menace to Western civilization and his DNA is 99 percent identical to a laboratory mouse.

Owens: So is yours, assuming you're human.

Lewis: I don't want to say anything against T.O., but his license tags are expired, he made noise during nap time in kindergarten and Safeway has him on videotape taking 14 items into the 10-item express lane.

Owens: If you have five bananas, that counts as one item! That's what my agent told me, anyway.

Lewis: The bananas had come off the bunch. I've seen the tape, man.

Owens: You're repulsive and you cannot pronounce "chlorofluorocarbon."

Lewis: You're insufferable and you cannot adequately describe the Kellogg-Briand Treaty of 1928.

Dr. Phil: I suggest we all have a big group hug.

Lewis and Owens together: Anything but a hug! I promise never to criticize him again.

Dr. Phil: Next week we will be inviting Donovan McNabb to join our counseling session.

The Football Gods Winced

San Diego leading 7-0, New Orleans faced third-and-10 on its 46. Quarterback Aaron Brooks was under pressure. Rather than simply take the sack -- sometimes taking the sack is a smart play for a quarterback -- he spun around and, seeing tackle Wayne Gandy behind him, fired Gandy the ball. Gandy, an offensive lineman, is not the ideal gentleman to fire the ball to; also, since he was behind the quarterback, where exactly was he supposed to go? Gandy jumped out of the way of Brooks' lateral, as if the ball was a live ferret; the lateral rolled to the Saints 23 before a New Orleans player recovered it, loss of 23 yards. The Chargers scored a touchdown on their possession following the fourth-and-33 punt, and the Saints might as well have left to get blueberry-almond martinis.

The Football Gods Smiled

Leading 27-3, the Steelers reached first-and-goal on the Philadelphia 7 with 2:48 remaining. Bill Cowher ordered his charges to kneel, though considering the two-minute warning, kneel-downs were not quite enough to kill the clock. Pittsburgh knelt four times, then let the Eagles get the ball back with 30 seconds remaining. The football gods reward those who do not run up the score! Yea, verily, Pittsburgh shall be rewarded.

Why Not Rush the Punter?

Ahead 10-3 late in the third quarter, the Potomac Nanticokes sent eight rushers after a Detroit punt -- which was blocked and returned for the touchdown that proved the winning points. Trailing 13-12 in the fourth quarter, the Ravens forced Cleveland to punt from its 2, and sent seven rushers after the kick -- which was hurried and went out of bounds at the Browns 9, setting up Baltimore's go-ahead touchdown.

Watch NFL tape carefully, and you will see that most teams rarely go after punts. Often, only one or two players really rush the punter: Defenders lined up on the line are mainly smashing into the punting team's linemen to keep them from getting downfield, rather than punt-rushing. For instance, on the next Detroit punt after its block on Sunday, Washington rushed just one man. When NFL teams do come after the punter with lots of bodies, it is often a shock and leads to a block or a poor kick. Houston blocked a punt against Denver on Sunday by rushing three, which doesn't sound like much, but actually is a lot by contemporary NFL standards.

Why do NFL teams big-rush the punter so rarely? It's another sign of coaches playing it safe. If the coach orders a big punt rush and the result is roughing the kicker, then the coach is lambasted; if the coach sends one token rusher while everyone else drops back to block, the receiving team may end up with poor field position, but there's nothing to criticize. Many teams even call not rushing the punter the "safe" play -- the special-teams coach will say, "Safe, safe," to signal in a no-rushing action. Watch college teams that are good at blocking kicks, such as Virginia Tech, and what is their incredible secret? They rush a lot of guys. NFL teams might do more of same.

Sour Play of the Week

Game scoreless, San Diego lined up to punt on fourth-and-inches from its own 47. The punter leapt into the air doing the old high-school bad-snap fake, while up-man Jesse Chatman took the direct snap and ran 22 yards; the Bolts scored a touchdown on the possession and never looked back.

New Orleans made the most basic of kick-defense mistakes -- not assuming fake on short yardage. Whenever a team lines up in field-goal or punt formation on fourth-and-short, the defense is supposed to assume fake.

Sweet 'N' Sour Play

Yes, it was the old lonesome end -- Troy Brown pretended to be jogging off the field as the Patriots lined up for a figgie attempt, leading 19-14 at St. Louis. But Brown stopped at the sidelines, lined up, and was uncovered when kicker Adam Vinatieri tossed him the touchdown pass that started the New England rout. For the Patriots, the play was sweet. Meanwhile, Les Mouflons were making the most basic of kick-defense mistakes -- not assuming fake on short yardage. The situation was fourth-and-goal from the St. Louis 4. Whenever a team lines up in field-goal or punt formation on fourth-and-short, the defense is supposed to assume fake. For the Rams, the play was sour.

Next Time, Wear a Halloween Costume as a Disguise

Buffalo leading 7-3 in the second quarter, the Bills sent Jabari Greer, a defensive back, in as a wide receiver. Jersey/B defenders immediately pointed to Greer, as defenders are coached to do when someone unusual comes in for what is likely to be a trick play. Greer even wears No. 37, which made him impossible to miss when lining up as a wide receiver. The Bills handed off to Greer on a reverse, and the gentlemen was swarmed under by Jets defenders, who dropped him for a loss: He might as well have handed out cards that said, "I have come in to run a trick play." Note: Buffalo won despite launching not one but two Preposterous Punts, the Bills punting from the Jersey/B 37 and taking a deliberate penalty at the Jersey/B 35 before punting from the 40.

Mass Transit CEO Wants Everybody Else to Take the Subway So There's More Room on the Roads for His SUV

The Washington Post reports that Richard White, chief executive of the problem-plagued Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority, one of the nation's largest public-transit systems, has just announced he will start commuting by subway. Since assuming his post four years ago, the Post notes, White has driven to work, "because it was more convenient."

What the Favre?

Colts punter Hunter Smith was called for unnecessary roughness.

Best Play by a Someone Wearing a Halloween Costume

Uh, guys ... Halloween was last weekend. 
Uh, guys ... Halloween was last weekend.  
Cincinnati leading Dallas 9-3 in the third quarter, the Bengals, the first NFL team ever to take the field dressed in Halloween costumes, faced third-and-6 on their own 24. Tight end Matt Schobel ran a simple "seam" route 10 yards straight up the field. There was no strong safety to be seen; Schobel was covered by reserve linebacker Scott Shanle, who has never started a game in his NFL career. Shanle lunged at Schobel as if to "chuck" him -- TMQ continues to think defenders should "charles" receivers, it's more dignified. Shanle missed; Schobel ran past, caught a short pass and legged it all 76 yards for the touchdown, no Dallas safety ever entering the picture. TMQ lamented that last season, the Cowboys had the No. 1 ranked pass defense, and this season cannot stop a tight end from going 76 yards straight down the center of the field.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again!

San Francisco leading 24-21, Seattle had first-and-10 on the Squared Sevens 25. Before the snap, a mass of Niners crowded the line to blitz; Blue Men Group quarterback Matt Hasselbeck gestured and barked, obviously calling an anti-blitz "hot read;" San Francisco did not back out of its blitz, but at the snap sent eight gentlemen across the line. TMQ cried aloud, Aaaaaiiiiiiiyyyyyyeeeee! Easy 25-yard touchdown pass to Koren Robinson, and Seattle took the lead it would never relinquish. While sportswriters and bobbleheads speak about eight-man blitzes, the tactic is rarely actually observed because it is an engraved invitation for the offense to score an easy touchdown.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! No. 2

Game tied at 24, Oakland had first-and-10 at the Carolina 41 with 1:25 remaining. The Panther sent eight gentlemen across the line to blitz. TMQ cried aloud, Aaaaaiiiiiiiyyyyyyeeeee! An Oakland receiver easily got behind the defense and would have scored the winning touchdown; a Carolina defensive back grabbed him to prevent the winning touchdown; the interference penalty spotted the ball at the Panthers 2, whence the Raiders kicked the winning field goal. While sportswriters and bobbleheads speak about eight-man blitzes, the tactic is rarely actually observed because it is an engraved invitation for the offense to realize a big gain.

Stop Me Before I Run-Blitz Again!

Chicago leading Jersey/A 21-14 in the fourth quarter, the Bears faced second-and-11 on the Giants 41. Before the snap, strong safety Gabril Wilson crept all the way up to the line on the Bears' left; at the snap, Wilson furiously blitzed. Running back Anthony Thomas ran left, going through the space Wilson vacated, and the Chicago Mingdingxiong -- "bears whose outcomes are determined by fate," in Mandarin -- had a game-icing 41-yard touchdown.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk

Trailing 21-0 late in the second quarter, the Eagles faced fourth-and-6 on the Steelers 15. TMQ's immutable law holds: Kick Early, Go For It Late. Unless, that is, you are way behind, and a 21-point hole qualifies as way behind. In trotted the field-goal unit, Philadelphia made it 21-3 and the Eagles never threatened again.

Lambasthor, God of Halftime Tirades, Would Smile

Last spring, yours truly moderated a Brookings Institution forum at which Jeffrey Sachs, distinguished director of the Earth Institute of Columbia University, declared that United States policy toward the developing world "really sucks." Yours truly responded by saying, "Professor Sachs, here at the Brookings Institution we do not say something 'sucks.' We say it 'fails to meet expectations.' "

This got me to thinking about the coach's traditional profanity-laced halftime tirade. What if instead it was conducted by guest speakers using well-bred language? Here is what would happen if a Brookings Institution scholar was hired to present the halftime tirade:

Coach: Look, you guys, I'm tired of yelling the same stuff every halftime. Besides, I left my book of Winston Churchill quotations in the car. So today we have a guest tirade. I'd like to introduce Gregg Easterbrook, a visiting fellow from the Brookings Institution. Mr. Easterbrook is the author of six books, and --

Player: Hey coach, what's a "book?"

Coach: Shut up, Yafnaro. Now, here is our guest tirade.

Me: This team is really bottom quintile, you know that? I've never seen such a bunch of alienated low-performing descendents of Homo hablis. You are one standard deviation away from the cellar. You're -- you're -- you're maladjusted! You failed to meet expectations! That's right, failed to meet expectations. You there, Yafnaro, what were you visualizing when you threw that interception?

Yafnaro: I thought the receiver was open.

Me: You thought?! I've seen your SAT scores, don't tell me you "thought." Didn't you take into account the relative humidity! The barometric pressure! The curvature of the Earth!

Yafnaro: Um, no.

Me: Apparently not. Listen you nugatory flibbertigibbets, you know what they are saying about you over in the other locker room? They're calling you tergiversate! They're saying you are a fascicle of sebaceous helots mired in desuetude! Are you gonna let that pass?

Players: No! No!

Me: Then what do you want to go out there and do?

Players: Meet expectations.

Me: I can't hear you.

Players: (loudly) MEET EXPECTATIONS!

Now Cinderella Can't Fit Into the Slipper, But She Can Get a Volleyball Scholarship

According to the market research firm NPD Group, today one-third of American women wear a size eight or larger shoe, versus 11 percent in 1987. Why? Blame sports! Foot bones grow in response to stress, and the huge post-Title-IX increase in girls and women participating in sports, combined with the huge increase in numbers of women working out at the gym, have led to an increase in average women's foot size.

Best Play by a Quarterback Who Actually Wants to Be in San Diego

While Eli Manning watched the Giants lose at home to the lowly Bears and high-priced holdout Philip Rivers was nailed to the Bolts' pine, Drew Brees threw four touchdown passes. I don't wish to alarm you, but the Chargers are 6-3 and Brees, who has nine touchdown passes in the last two weeks, is the third-rated passer in the National Football League.

Uniform Amnesty Now!

Reader Bob Doling of Arlington, Va., notes Buffalo general manager Tom Donahoe declared that next season the Bills will wear a "throwback" of their previous red, white and flag-blue jerseys. Tom, just junk the incredibly hideous new Bills look and return to the beautiful old look: All will be forgiven! Buffalo is 17-23 since abandoning red, white and American flag blue -- not to put too fine a point on it, but the single-most successful color scheme in world history -- for its current hideous regalia based on Nineteenth Century Rusting Russian Dreadnaught Aft Bulkhead Cyanic. Doling notes in haiku,

Hope for Bills next year!
Return to unis of old:
red, white and flag blue.
-- Bob Doling of Arlington, Va.

Questionable Call Ere the Clock Struck Midnight

Boy, it sure looked like Ray Lewis was holding on the deciding play of the Browns-Ravens game. At 11:38 p.m. ET, Baltimore led 20-13; the Browns had second-and-goal on the Ravens 5, with 45 seconds showing. Cleveland tight end Aaron Shea ran a short turn-in and was open in the end zone; Jeff Garcia delivered the pass; replays showed Lewis grab Shea's jersey and yank hard just before the ball arrived; the ball bounced off Shea's hands and into the mitts of safety Ed Reed, who ran it 106 yards the other way for a record-setting icing touchdown.

Was the pass tipped at the line? Maybe, but unlike pass interference, defensive holding is called regardless of whether there is a tipped pass. Of course, the real-world bottom line is that Shea had both hands on the ball in the end zone and did not make the catch -- highly paid professional football players should be able to make a catch even with some ill-tempered gentleman yanking on their jersey. Still, it looked to TMQ as if flags should have flown. And note to Ed Reed, that run was entertaining, but next time you intercept a pass six yards deep in the end zone in the final minute, take a knee, okay?

Confident Call Ere the Clock Struck Midnight

Game tied at 28, Indianapolis reached second-and-10 at the Minnesota 15-yard line with 55 seconds remaining at 11:58 p.m. ET. The Colts knelt twice, running the clock down to six seconds before lofting the winning field goal. (The Vikings were out of timeouts.)

Perfect tactics so long as the kicker hits -- had he missed, Indianapolis would have seemed very foolish not to attempt to score from the Minnesota 15.

Sweet Plays Ere the Clock Struck Midnight

Trailing 28-21, Minnesota faced fourth-and-1 on the Lucky Charms 43 with 3:49 remaining. The Vikings came out in a heavy formation left; at the snap, the running back and all the blockers went left; Daunte Culpepper bootlegged right and ran 9 yards for the first down, setting up Minnesota's tying touchdown. But it wasn't a "naked" bootleg, Culpepper had help. At the snap Jermaine Wiggins, lined up as a tight end on the right side, blocked toward the left -- then spun around and pulled right to protect Culpepper as he ran, a very sweet play design. Now there is 1:51 remaining, score tied, and Indianapolis faces third-and-5 on the Minnesota 21. Peyton Manning, under tackle, used his left hand to throw a shovel pass to Edgerrin James, who reached the 15, where Indianapolis got its first down and began kneeling in anticipation of the winning kick. Left-handed! And not as risky as it looked since, as a shovel pass, if botched the play simply would have been an incompletion, leaving the Colts in position for a field-goal attempt.

Why Certain Teams Are 1-8

The Miami Ventral Fins led 23-17 and had Arizona facing fourth-and-8 on its own 32 with 1:23 remaining. Quarterback Josh McCown was flushed from the pocket and raced toward the sideline. Miami corner Sam Madison, who was in the area, made no attempt to run McCown down, merely jogging in his general direction. McCown got the first; Arizona scored the winning touchdown with 23 seconds on the clock.

Best Blocks

This week, TMQ lauds the offensive lines of Buffalo, Tampa and Washington -- three lines much maligned in this space -- which combined to allow just one sack on Sunday. Meanwhile, the Kansas City offensive line, praised in this space as the league's best, had a weak outing. Kansas City trailing City of Tampa 34-31 with 1:50 remaining, the Chiefs faced first-and-10 on the Bucs 43, holding two timeouts; given the hot Kansas City offense, you'd figure a last-minute win was in store. Instead, on first down, the Kansas City offensive line allowed a sack, though there were only four gentlemen rushing. Now it's fourth-and-18 at midfield. Tampa rushes just three men, Kansas City has five back to block and Trent Green is sacked, game over.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk, Indeed

Television ads for Burger King's Chickenfight chicken sandwich promotion show guys in chicken suits being bashed and smashed, but reassure in a disclaimer, "No real chickens were harmed." Wait a moment, the whole point of this promotion is to get customers to eat more chicken sandwiches -- that is, to increase harm to real chickens.

News From the NFL Alternate Universe

Jerry Rice catches the ball in San Francisco! All is as it should be -- except, Rice was not wearing a Niners uniform. It's now four years later and San Francisco's decision to cut Rice, best-ever player for the franchise and possibly the best-ever player period, still seems one of the NFL's all-time blunders. But then, when Rice made his return to Candlestick Park wearing another team's garb, he did not return to Candlestick Park -- rather to Monster Park, the facility's new name. You can now address correspondence to the Niners at Monster Park, San Francisco Calif., 94124. How long until there is a Munster Park?

Cheer-Babe Professionalism

Kickoff temperature 55 degrees with 25 mile-per-hour winds, the Buffalo Jills came out in miniskirts and bare midriffs. Spectators were wearing heavy coats; coaches on both sidelines sported windbreaker pants; players on the benches had ski caps pulled low over their ears; yet the cheerleaders were scantily attired! This represents one of the most dramatic examples of cheer-babe professionalism that TMQ has ever witnessed. Needless to say, the football gods crowned the team with success.

Beefcake note: The Ravens are now the sole NFL team that has cheer-studs as well as cheer-babes. On Sunday night, kickoff temperature 61 degrees, the Baltimore cheer-babes showed outstanding professionalism by wearing two-piece miniskirt numbers. What did the cheer-studs sport? Comfy warm track suits that covered their entire bodies. TMQ is a traditionalist, and feels it is imperative that, in the endless battle of the bods, women maintain tradition by showing more than men. But for the cheer-babes to be nearly naked while the cheer-studs are fully clothed obviously is unfair to female fans.

Tasteless Uniforms Haiku -- Referring to the Uniforms, Not the Haiku

Brandon Veale of Mount Pleasant, Mich., notes there is a New Zealand rugby team called the All-Blacks, whose uniforms resemble the ones Baltimore wore on Sunday night, and who "perform a traditional Maori dance routine called the haka before each of their matches, a dance that looks vaguely like what Ray Lewis does before games." Here, view the All-Blacks doing the haka.

Veale offers this haiku:

Odd Nevermore duds
look like Kiwi rugby team;
Will Ray do haka?
-- Brandon Veale, Mount Pleasant, Mich.

Of the shimmering all-bright-red look unveiled by the Arizona Cactus Wrens at Miami, reader Erin Elizabeth Miller offers,

New Cards uniforms
look a lot like union suits:
Where are the butt flaps?
-- Erin Elizabeth Miller, Washington, D.C.

Game Being Played in TMQ's Nightmares

A round-robin of Cincinnati in its new orange-jersey, black-pants look versus Baltimore in its black-jersey, black-pants look and Miami in last year's orange-jersey, orange-pants look.

Running Items Department

Obscure College Score of the Week

Eastern Michigan 61, Central Michigan 58 in quadruple overtime. Four touchdowns, three field goals, two PAT kicks and two 2-point conversions were scored after regulation ended -- in all, 39 overtime points. Located in Ypsilanti, Mich., Eastern Michigan University currently needs a president, and has retained a company called Academic Search Consultation Service. Wait, colleges are supposed to be full of smart people -- yet Eastern Michigan needs to hire a company to tell it whom to hire? According to its web site, Academic Search has 19 people who do nothing all day long except tell universities whom to hire for management positions. Question for Eastern Michigan University: Will there be any discernible difference at all between the period when you are without a president, and after one arrives at great expense?

Bonus Obscure College Score

Wooster 64, Wittenberg 58 in overtime. There were 17 touchdowns and two field goals in this contest, which featured an incredible 34 total possessions by the two teams. (Normally there are about 20 possessions in a football game.) Located in Wooster, Ohio -- "the major metropolitan areas of Cleveland, Columbus, Akron and Canton are all within a one-and-a-half hour drive," the school reassures -- the College of Wooster's scenic campus offers a golf course, a dorm that once was the college president's home, and the Rubbermaid Student Development Center.

Obscure College Game of the Year Result

Kevin Weidl threw for 256 yards as Indiana of Pennsylvania defeated California of Pennsylvania in the Tuesday Morning Quarterback Obscure College Game of the Year. Indiana of Pennsylvania finished 7-3, in a three-way tie with Shippensburg and Edinboro for leadership in the PSAC-West conference. For California of Pennsylvania, the defeat represented the Vulcans' 20th consecutive loss to Indiana of Pennsylvania in the schools' annual season-ending confrontation. But because they are Vulcans, the losers showed no emotions in defeat.

Reader Animadversion

Got a comment or a deeply felt grievance? Register it at TMQNFL@yahoo.com. Include your name and hometown, and I may quote from your email and cite your name and hometown unless you instruct me otherwise. Note: Bonus recognition to anyone who can cite the nod to a famous Broadway play that is encoded in this column.

The Green Bay-Washington game became the first since the 1936 election in which the outcome of the final Redskins' home contest before presidential voting accurately foretold the outcome. Reader Scott King asserts this only shows that officials flubbed the call when they overturned the late Washington touchdown that might have won the game for the home team. The California Tortilla burrito poll discussed in last week's column also notched its first failure. Exit polling failed too. But the Family Circle cookie predictor was correct, with subscribers voting for Laura Bush's cookie recipe over Teresa Heinz Kerry's recipe in a landslide. Readers offer these haiku:

Redskins, burritos?
We the people made our choice,
voting booth trumps all.
-- Frank Hartmann, Boise, Idaho

Maryland? Blue state.
Skewed sample of appetites;
tortilla falls flat.
--Brenda Izzo, New York City

Political game
history rewritten when
refs make the wrong call.
-- Scott King, Bedford, Ind.

Ken Salazar surely has some good stories from going to school with Gregg Easterbrook. 
Ken Salazar surely has some good stories from going to school with Gregg Easterbrook.  
Speaking of exit polls, John Martin pointed out this unintentionally hilarious Washington Post article which declares, "After the survey is completed and the votes are counted, the exit poll results are adjusted to reflect the actual vote, which in theory improves the accuracy of all the exit poll results, including the breakdown of the vote by age, gender and other characteristics." So after the actual vote is known, the exit poll is adjusted to make it appear accurate all along! Isn't this the same as waiting until the game is over, then "adjusting" your prediction of the final score in order to claim you predicted the final score? Martin also lauded the election of TMQ's estimable Colorado College classmate Ken Salazar as a United States senator from Colorado.

Last week, TMQ quoted Dick Enberg's mystery comment during the Ravens-Eagles game, "There is nothing quite like self-flagellation on Halloween Day." Shaun Kuter of Tempe, Ariz., was among readers who contended Enberg said "self-adulation." Greg Gumbel from CBS studios in New York had just broken into the game to show a touchdown by Johnnie Morton of Kansas City, who after scoring did the Worm; Gumbel made a cryptic reference to the Worm being self-flagellation; Enberg switched the reference to self-adulation, perhaps cleverly trying to shift attention from Gumbel's interpretation. At least that's what I think happened, piecing together accounts from a dozen readers who were watching the game.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback has begun to call the Miami team the Ventral Fins. Erik de Guzman of Manassas, Va., points out that dolphins do not have ventral fins -- they have dorsal fins, pectoral fins and tail flukes. But on marine mammals, "ventral" fins are found on the bottom side, and Miami is currently at the bottom of the standings. The team will remain the Ventral Fins until no longer bottom-feeding.

Regarding my item asserting that referees are sometimes too slow to blow the whistle, confusing players about the "play to the whistle" maxim, Kevin McLaughlin of Chesterfield, Mo., who officiates high-school football, provides these thoughts: "The down is not ended by the whistle; rather, the down is ended by downing of the ball carrier. (A knee down in high school and college, or a knee down as a result of contact by an opponent, or while in contact with an opponent, in the NFL). The whistle merely recognizes that the down has ended. You can have a late hit with no whistle, and you can have a player downed with no whistle. Ideally neither of those happens, but that is how the rules are written." He sums in haiku:

Don't play to whistle:
whistle is merely signal.
Play till runner down.
-- Kevin McLaughlin, Chesterfield, Mo.

Last week, I could not recall "a recent NFL team that went for two to win or lose at the end of regulation, rather than kicking the singleton and proceeding to overtime." Many readers, including Jessica Jennings of Chicago, a Vikings fan, noted that Minnesota went for two with five seconds remaining against New Orleans in Week 15 of the 2002 season. The try prevailed, and the football gods rewarded Minnesota with a nine-game winning streak. Steve Ferra of Safety Harbor, Fla., added two unsuccessful attempts: "On Nov. 19, 1995, Tom Coughlin's expansion Jaguars pulled to within 17-16 with 36 seconds left at Tampa Bay. The Jags went for two and were denied. On Nov. 12, 1997, Dave Wannstedt tried the same and failed against the Packers after the Bears pulled within one point by scoring a TD in the final minute."

Last Week's Challenge

In keeping with the time-travel plots plaguing Star Trek Enterprise, the Challenge was to name some aspect of the NFL timeline that future space travelers should come backward in time to alter.

Carol Lang-Drapala of Norman, Okla., wants the Federation crew to prevent the Houston Oilers of 1992 from blowing their 35-3 playoff lead over the Bills. Carol -- the Oilers could have done that themselves simply by running the ball in the second half, rather than repeatedly throwing incomplete and stopping the clock. Dominic Legaspi of Concord, Calif., would have caused Lawrence Phillips not to miss the 1999 blitz block that allowed a defender to level Steve Young, ending his career. Cris Alexander of Toronto suggested time-travelers prevent the Eagles from converting fourth-and-26 in last year's playoffs. Dorsey Howard of Harrisburg, Pa., suggested the Enterprise should return to the Music City Miracle game and use its advanced sensors to show that the "lateral" was a forward pass.

Jack Atiyeh of Allentown, Pa., would alter the iffy pass interference call against San Francisco at the end of the 1983 NFC Championship Game, which propelled the Redskins to the Super Bowl, where they lost 38-9 to the Raiders. Niners-Raiders that year would have made for a much better Super Bowl, he contends. Nick Eyrich would have altered the dropped interception by Cincinnati on the play before a fourth-quarter touchdown pass in the Bengals-Niners Super Bowl.

Noah Turner, a student at the University of Connecticut, would have had the Enterprise use its transporter to move Kevin Dyson one foot further at the end of the Rams-Titans Super Bowl, sending that game into overtime. Roland Cooper suggested the Enterprise should prevent the alien starcruiser from bringing "Kurt Warner" to the Rams that year in the first place.

Sean McCalley of Allen, Texas, would change the "tuck rule" call in the Raiders-Patriots Snow Bowl, preventing New England from winning the Super Bowl that year and possibly altering its entire dynasty. Brad Given of Hurricane, W.V., would have prevented The Fumble -- darkest event in Giants history -- by having the Star Trek crew tell Jersey/A that all they have to do is kneel on the ball.

Many readers, including Jenny Werrick of San Diego, would have prevented the Chargers from drafting Ryan Leaf. Greg Presto would have altered history to cause the Steelers to draft hometown star Dan Marino. Jayson Rock of Menomonee Falls, Wis., would have had the Packers take Barry Sanders instead of Tony Mandarich. Jed Dawson of Wisconsin would have prevented the Herschel Walker trade.

Many readers, including Charles K. Smith, suggested that time travelers should make Scott Norwood's last-second kick in the Bills-Giants Super Bowl go through. Charles, my feeling is that Norwood's kick did go through, but sinister Giants fans from the future altered the timeline. Jason Sheehan of Newport News, Va., adds that if the timeline was altered so that Norwood's kick goes in, the Bills would surely still be wearing red, white and American flag blue -- not to put too fine a point on it, but the single-most successful color scheme in world history.

Jason Tritle of Baltimore was among many to suggest the timeline be altered such that all NFL franchises remain in their original cities. Brent Pecenka was among many to suggest that Super Bowl XX be altered such that Walter Payton gets a touchdown. David Newman of Jackson, Miss., would have had the Enterprise go back in time and beam up Mel Kiper's hair.

Rabbi Daniel Plotkin of St. Louis wants time travelers to reverse the NFL tradition of allowing only Dallas and Detroit to host Thanksgiving Day games. This year's Cowboys turkey matchup -- Dallas hosting the Bears -- "kind of makes me glad my in-laws aren't football fans," Plotkin says. Luke Twyford, an American-rules football fan in Wollongong, Australia, wants the Enterprise to go back in time and convince his parents to move to the United States so that he could have grown up surrounded by real football ("gridiron" to an Australian), not rugby and soccer. And Bob Goudreau of Cary, N.C., suggests the Enterprise go back in time to Nov. 1, 1936, and cause the Boston Braves to lose to the Chicago Cardinals -- thus preventing the presidential-election prediction streak of the team that came to be called the Washington Redskins from coming into existence.

The winner this week is Sean Hart of Cape Coral, Fla., who suggested time be altered so that NBC aired the end of the Heidi Game. Sean, your idea shows the danger of tampering with the timeline: There could be unintended consequences! In the classic 1952 Ray Bradbury short story A Sound of Thunder -- still the best sci-fi story about time travel -- the future is benign and happy. Time travel into the primordial past has become possible, but trips are elaborately arranged so that visitors only observe from levitated walkways, never touching anything. One man traveling back into the age of dinosaurs briefly leaves the group and wanders off alone. When the time tourists return to the present, the nation has just fallen into hideous dictatorship; the man looks at his shoe and realizes that far in the past, he stepped on a butterfly.

So suppose NBC had shown the end of the Heidi game. Callers never would have flooded local affiliate switchboards with complaints; the networks might not have decided never to cut off NFL games at 7 p.m. Eastern; there might be less football on TV, an outcome almost as bad as hideous dictatorship.

Sean Hart is the winner as a cautionary tale, and this year's Challenge prize is shameless praise. Hart, a Steelers fan, is a software engineer -- second consecutive software engineer winner -- and wrote his own praise: "Sean Hart is the William S. Burroughs of software. What he does may not make any sense, but somehow it works."

This Week's Challenge

Who was the most important player in NFL history? Not the best, the most important. TMQ already has a theory; offer yours, using the link at Reader Animadversion. Note: A clue is encoded in this column.

Next Week

NFL teams from Ohio score "provisional" touchdowns!

 
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